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COOKING REPORT (CR)

that's right. instead of reading about a game of starcraft or warcraft while eating raw cookie dough mixed with pizza leftovers from last week and drinking stale tap water, i will try to bring the fine art of cuisine to you.

one of the major problems you will face if you try to recreate this recipe at home, apart from the fact that you are probably a fat stupid loser that cant even cook water correctly, is that i am, in fact, not a citizen of the US of A, and thus some of the ingredients used might not be readily available to you (like eggplant, since for all that i know ronald reagan outlawed all forms of vegetables back in 1768)

let this however not stop you from reading this report and trying your best to cook this dish for yourself, for we are not talking about cooking a 5-star 7-course french dinner here, but a really easy, moderately healthy, and very tasty dish, namely

fried eggplant slices with sour dip

the eggplant is easily one of the most beautiful sorts of vegetable available. it has a cool purplish black color, and manages to look not too much like human genitalia, unlike some other plants

the ingredients you will need for this are shown in this picture. you will need some basic cooking stuff too, like a frying pan or paper towels, but i will take it for granted that those are available, if not then you are probably living in such a messy apartment that cooking anything would probably pose a majore health risk

needed ingredients

after assembling all of the above, you best start out by opening your first beer and putting some good music into winamp, since the act of cooking is far more fun with both of those

the first thing to do, is to put some vegetable oil in your frying pan (so much that it covers the pan about 3mm/0.1inch), and set the oven on medium heat (usually level 2 here, if you live in a country that still cant get it together to use the metric system, it is probably best to turn the knob 5 quarter square inches southeast)

so far so good

while the oil heats up, you now fill your 3 basic breading ingredients into the 3 bowls (note that on this picture, the ingredients are not put in in the right order. that is either because i am a lazy bastard, or because i draw sadistic pleasure from the fact that this probably makes you mess this whole thing up)

the right order would be: flour, egg, breadcrumb

the right order would be: flour, egg, breadcrumb

the next thing to do is to cut up your eggplant in slices about 1 cm (half an inch) thick. try your best to not cut into your finger, your hand, or your penis in this step

now for the messiest part (that is if you did, in fact, not cut into any major blood vessels while slicing up the eggplant). you first put the slices of eggplant into the flour, add salt and spices, then put them into the egg, and lastly into the breadcrumbs

as for the salt: i am using a special spice salt that has lots of ingredients apart from the obvious salt, like oregano, basilicum, majoram, thymian, etc. if you are using normal salt, it is probably best to add pepper, and a little oregano too if available

my digicam messed those up, sorry

the finished product should look something like this:

yeah yours prolly dont look as good

when you are finished breading all the slices, the oil should have reached perfect temperature in your pan (that is, if you are not really slow and/or took a 10 minute break to masturbate while doing it, in which case the oil has probably catched fire and turned your kitchen into a fiery inferno of death in the meantime)

put as many slices into the pan as you can fit in

note to self: use your biggest pan next time you fucking idiot

note to self: use your biggest pan next time you fucking idiot

while the slices are transformed from repulsive and healthy raw vegetables to tasty and fat-rich slices of awesomeness, it is time to prepare the dip

for the dip, mix sour cream and lots of parsley in a small bowl - finished. yeah that wasnt so hard, even you can do it.

do NOT eat the dip before the slices are done

do NOT eat the dip before the slices are done

when the slices look deliciously enough, turn them over

there are NOT only 4 slices here (while there were 7 in the previous pic) because i already ate the other 3 half-raw, but because my digicam totally fucked up the actualy picture of those 7 baking, so i had to use this one

there are NOT only 4 slices here (while there were 7 in the previous pic) because i already ate the other 3 half-raw, but because my digicam totally fucked up the actualy picture of those 7 baking, so i had to use this one

the next step is especially crucial if you are cooking for your stupid vegetarian girlfriend, and promised her beforehand that this was a healthy, vegetarian meal. to avoid having pure FAT, the archenemy of all women in this world, dripping off your slices, follow this procedure:

if you are really serving this to your vegetarian gf, its best to do one slice with pork instead of eggplant, just to spite her

if you are really serving this to your vegetarian gf, its best to do one slice with pork instead of eggplant, just to spite her

and thats it! while the second bunch of slices is getting ready, you can already dig into the first few, the chef especially recommends a cold beer to go with this dish, other acceptable beverages include lager or pils

if you somehow fucked up the dish, just drink a few more beers. beer has calories too, and also some vitamins afaik

if you somehow fucked up the dish, just drink a few more beers. beer has calories too, and also some vitamins afaik

congratulations! you successfully prepared something to eat for yourself! feel the pride, and if you are eating with someone else, be sure to remind him constantly that YOU, in fact, made this dish, while comparing yourself colorfully to some caveman slaying a dinosaur to provide for his family

special thanks to:

fox, who made me do this and provided me with translations to the ingredients i didnt know in english

johnny_vegas, who never ceases to amaze me with his coding, and made this awesome battle report authoring tool that im currently typing in. you spoiled fucks prolly dont even know what you have here. back in the days when i was writing battle reports, we had to manually hack into the site and place our html code on random locations, hoping it would show up as BR on the main page

you, for reading this, ignoring my lack of knowledge for the english language, my hatred for proper punctuation or capital letters, and for not suing me if you hurt yourself doing anything described herein