"My wife said: 'What are you doing? Running a marathon over there?' (Apparently, I was breathing kinda hard.) I was like 'Broodwar!!!'"
- - Johnny_Vegas
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| An EV:N Report With a Title Too Long For BR.com | | | Author: | | | IP: | 24.225.1XXXX | | Date: | 09/18/03 06:09 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 8, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for Kazebari: 8.0000 |  | 
Hiya, and welcome to my very first br, so make sure to give me lots of points so that I will be encouraged to make even more second-rate badly written reports, so that I can take up bandwidth on the br.com site and waste hours of thousands of people’s lives! Woohoo!
....
Anyway, I decided to do an EV:N report, because it’s the only game I can actually beat. For you see, in Starcraft, I am that player that everyone calls a newb, I am that player who turtles with cannons then mind-controls a scv so that I make goliaths, the absolutely coooolest unit in the game, and I am that guy who never, ever builds another hatchery. I always cheat, so much that “power overwhelming” and “black sheep wall” and “show me the money” are hard-coded into my brain and that I could type them with two fingers, blindfolded, drugged out, and being beat by various sacks of potatoes. Oh Yeah.
How did I get into EV:N, you ask? Well, the primary reason is EldritchEvil. His awesome storytelling/reporting skills and superb pictures showed me that EV:N could be the game to take up my time when my cable went out, or when I go on a vacation and only have my laptop for gaming, or…well, you get the general idea. The secondary reason was that after skimming through the various plug-ins on the Ambrosia website, I read that
A STAR WARS CONVERSION WAS IN PROGRESS! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG *pant pant wheeze* I mean, how cool would it be to control a freaking Super Star Destroyer?! Or…dare I think it…AN ECLIPSE-CLASS SUPER STAR DESTROYER?!!??!? OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG *pant pant wheeze*
But enough on my SW fanboy-ism. I downloaded the trial version of ev:n, and traveled along the vell-os storyline…then got the “in order for your pilot to continue on this storyline, you must register” message.
...
P(U#@P*@$SHKUHFKSJH#@)(DU*$!!! And you know what I did?!
...
I, uh, visited some of the sleazier forums and begged for a registration code. *shame!* Don’t look at me like that. I eventually bought the game after realizing that it’s only 30 dollars. Pshaw. So I bought it. Whee!
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My name is Guy Boco. After my father died, I took upon the family business. A fairly small business Located on Port Kane, my father only had one shuttle, and he used it for boring trading missions. And he was content.
But I had other plans. I had the ship taken apart, oiled, and put back together. With 25,000 credits in my hand, I set out to create the Legend of Guy Boco.
Stop laughing at my name!
 As I arrived at Port Kane, I was immediately overshadowed by a gigantic Federation Cruiser. I had to veer slightly off my landing vector, but it wasn’t that much trouble.
 Upon landing, I was greeted by a fully fledged ship’s captain, a weather-beaten man, in his early fifties by the look of him. He offered to show me the ropes, but I turned him down, replying “I already know the ropes.”
Bah, he probably just wanted to get on my ship and steal some of my parts.
I sauntered over to the outfitter’s area. After looking over the selection, I eventually spent a thousand of my inheritance on a map. Maps are good, because once they are installed in a navicomp, they immediately update the starmap with various systems that surround the station where you buy it. Good stuff.
After buying the map, and looking over several other outfits, I decided to get to the center of the universe and find some work. So, I brought up the hyperspace map and plotted my course. Hyperspace jumping is extremely easy, as all you have to do is click on a system connected to your current one by a gray line. Then you click another system, and another, and so on, until you get to your destination. Then, you exit the map, travel away from the center of the system, and when you get far enough from the center, a beep will signify your ability to escape the gravity well, and you can jump! As you can see, my map is mostly empty, since I’m just beginnig my adventure.
Ah, Earth of the Sol System. Mother of the Human Race. While we’re here, let me explain some of the things you can do while on a planet.
1- This is the bar. This is where you get most of your storyline missions. While you’re here, you can also hire escorts, gamble (nothing too high) or click to see a holovid. The holovid is nothing special: just a small written event that never really happened. Oh, yeah, and you can also get virtually drunk here. Woohoo!
2- This is the Mission BBS. Here you can get frequent missions that pay you various amounts of money and take up varying amounts of cargo space, from ferrying passengers to making large bulk deliveries. You can also receive storyline missions from here, but very rarely, and they’re usually repeating missions.
3- This is the Trade Center. You can buy and sell goods here, based on the “Buy low, Sell high” stratagem. Yay.
4- This is the Shipyard. Shipyards, basically, are where you buy and sell ships. Duh.
5- This is the Outfitters section. Here you can buy weapons, armor, and other stat boosting addons to your ship.
6- This is the Recharge button. If you do not have 100% energy, this button will always appear. Click it once to refill your energy for a small price. If you have an Auto-Recharger, it will automatically recharge your battery without requiring you to click the button.
7- This is the Leave button. You use it to, well, leave.
8-10- These are extras. A picture of the planet, the name of the planet, and a small description of the planet.
Okay! Now that we have that settled, let’s get crackin’.
First thing I did was check the Mission BBS. Frankly, I have no clue what the BBS stands for, but, as every spacer knows, the MBBS can earn you at least a quick 15k for a jump or two. I quickly scanned the various missions up for grabs. One pops out at me: A three jump trip in a single line to the South Manchester system. Simple enough, and gives me a quick 15k.
 Great, I just landed on Cornwall, in the South Manchester system. I had to perform some tricky maneuvers to avoid a heated battle between a pirate valkyrie class ship and a Federation destroyer with two vell-os darts.
I went over to the MBBS and immediately found a delivery to New England in the Wolf 359 system. This was good, as I could just make one extra jump on my way back to Sol and earn a quick 15k.
<><><>
Landed on New England, collected my pay. I have just doubled my inheritance, and only in a few weeks, too. Feeling tired, I headed over to the spaceport bar. They serve a good brew, but I had a sneaking suspicion that most of their drinks were synthetic.
Hey, Samantha was hot! So I got her drunk, invited her onto my shuttle, and rocked her world. Oh yeah.
<><><>
Anyway, I accepted her mission. It was fairly simple, jump to one system, pick up one ton of cargo, jump to another system, pick up money. Upon landing I was greeted by Sean Clarke.
So, I gain the rank of united shipping courier. Great! Not only do I get a nifty United Shipping Courier title on my ranks and honors page, I can ask for assistance from any Un. Ship. Spacecraft and get free fuel if I’m out and free repairs if I’m disabled. No more "Pay me 2,000 credits," messages for me! Plus, I can now accept United Shipping missions, which pay more than regular delivery missions AND take up only 1-2 tons of cargo!
I made the jump back to Sol, and headed to the Earth Bar.
<><><>
Hey, it’s Charengo! Good, the Cunjo Hunting quest gives you a 75k reward and another nifty title for the minor disadvantage of being knocked unconscious for several days. Hurray!
<><><>
‘kay, back on Earth, home-base, after traveling to Hourglass. The locals have started to recognize me now, and have even established a nickname for me! They call me Gay Ass.
...and that sucked.
<><><>
Ha-haa! Check that out, I’m now a Cunjo Hunter. Boo Yeah. Great, now I have to do the tedious "travel to Europa, buy lux goods, travel to Earth, sell lux goods, repeat" runs. Highly boring, I won’t trouble you with it too much. After countless mindless luxgoods runs, I earn millions of credits. Yay!
And this is the real start of my adventure. The Adventures of GUY BOCO!
…STOP LAUGHING AT MY NAME! I MEAN IT!
<><><>
Okay, first thing I do is buy an Exotic Ships & Weapons license. This allows me to get any ship or weapon providing that I have governmental approval. Currently, the only capital ship in my price range is the IDA Frigate...so....
BAM! I am now the captain of the Elkcip Ship!. Fear my almighty twin/akimbo/dual Medium Turrets! Now, while my idol, Captain Captain Eldritch has universal acclaim for his medium ship piloting skill (heck, there are even a couple of holovids about him) I do not have the nerves or reflexes to commandeer a small ship. Rather, I rely on heavy shielding and armor and slowly whittle away at ships, while my main power is in my escorts. So, I head over to the Tichel system, because that’s where I most commonly find Marine Platoons.
<><><>
I recruit as many marine platoons as I can (which is 9) and set off on my pirating adventure. Now, Marine Platoons are good, because they drastically increases your chances of capturing ships. Unfortunately, I do not have enough money to buy 18 marine platoons, which is the max.
<><><>
Upon entering the Sol system, I see a lone Leviathan slowly pushing towards Earth. This is good, because upon attacking a trader all other forces start to attack you. In a fierce battle, I disable the Leviathan and destroy a Fed Anaconda (a small fighter-class ship) which got in my way. As I board it my 9 marine platoons quickly eliminate the security while I advanced through them like Darth Vader and his stormtroopers, and asked the captain "Where are the death star plans?" He stubbornly resisted and so I snapped his neck using my awesome Force powers.
But in reality, I pushed a button labeled "Capture Ship."
Would my marines overpower the crew? Or would the crew overpower the marines?
....
YES!!!!!!! Bahahaha! I am now the master of a Leviathan, a monstrous ship with 4000 tons of cargo space! Plus, I can sell it for a whopping ONE MILLION credits! Not bad, eh?
I try to land on Earth, but..unfortunately, my landing request is denied.
WTF? I mean, attacking a trader would decrease my governmental points a little bit, but to be a minor criminal from just one Leviathan?
Uh-oh. Remember that Fed Anaconda that I destroyed? Well, it seems the Federation doesn’t like having one of its own obliterated, and immediately changed my status from No Record to Minor Criminal in Sol and various other systems. However, I needed to refuel, so I had to bribe Earth to let me land and recharge so I could escape to a more friendly system. Unfortunately, boosting to Earth meant I had to go through a wall of blaster and missile fire. Which mean that MY LEVIATHAN WAS DESTROYED! ARRRGHhH!
So, to recap:
Captured Leviathan: Good
Destroyed Fed Anaconda: Bad
Landed on Earth: Good
Had to bribe Earth: Bad
Refueled: Good
Lost Leviathan, which was the whole reason for this tiny conflict, anyway: Bad
So, here I am, an outlaw, a fugitive, and with nothing to show for it. Uh oh.
I quickly made the jump to a safer system, avoiding all Federation ships.
This was not good.
<><><>
How will I escape? How will I redeem myself? All will be revealed in the next installment of Going Where Other People Have Already Gone Before: An Escape Velocity: Nova Report! Plus, More Pictures of Ship Battles!
Criticism appreciated, as criticism lets me fix my problems so that I can get a better score. Yippee!
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