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Welcome to another report from IcE-Inforcer! This battle report is one huge fothermucker to load, the pics are high quality jpegs (8). This should take about 35 minutes on a 28.8k. I also threw in some animated GIF (I went psycho on those at one point), so here are a few ways to get rid of that anger when things are slow: 1) Punch your grandma, 2) Chew on a popsicle stick or 3) Squeeze your balls very hard.

First off I would like to clear up a few things.

1) I know inforcer is spelled Enforcer, but you see, back in the day, there was enforcer, unforcer and me, inforcer. We played together on money maps. Funny thing is we always won (heheh, we never hacked... why would we... heheh...).

2) I might say fothermucker often in this report.

3) Who cares about the above, on with the report.

First of all, take a look at the Flash I made, it might be a little sketchy if you have a shitty comp, even I had to use uncle Dan's to make sure it was ok, you see, my P200 is the shittiest shit to ever shit. If you're on dial-up, forget it for now and go shoot some birdies, it's really fun when you hit em', they fall to the ground, half dead, squirming around like lifeless birds without a soul, blood seeping... umm... ahem*. For those who think I'm a cold hearted bastard, well you're right.

My first two reports were one on ones on the Lost Temple, I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of it. So I downloaded a replay of my favorite player, hasudrone (NTT), dueling Smuft on New No Way Out.

Map description:
-Dimensions:128x128 (I think)
-Land: Jungle
-Max players: Four
-Bob Barker's favorite map
-The price is right!
-Happy Gilmour can kick Bob's ass
-He proved so in his movie

Now that I got everybody in the gloomy mood of death and violence, let's get this fothermucker going!

Ladies and gentlemen, you are up for a treat. This game was played a long time ago, but it's still a classic and one of my favorites. As you already know, hasudrone is my Sc god. His oponent, Smuft, is one of the best Protoss players I've ever seen. It's amazing how these guys can micro an army, build an expansion base, take out a bengalaas and scratch their balls all at the same time. I learn much from these guys and you will too. So sit back and enjoy! (Please note: ignore all shit you get from your parents while reading this battle report).

Okie dokie, as I told you, this game was played on the awesome map, NNWO. Players start with a normal mineral patch and a single Vespene Geyser. There are expansion spots right next to the start locations, but they are elevated. The bases are surrounded by a ring of high ground. Hasudrone had picked his one and only gay Terran while Smuft had picked his best race, the fothermucking Protoss.

Both players start mining and were soon cashing in on the precious minerals. I looked at Smuft's buildings for a while and noticed an early gas build. Obviously both players would go for early transportation. I swept around the bases and that's when I saw a white SCV on the elevated expansion. How the hell? It's 30 seconds in the game. I check for tech, but there's nothing, not even gas. Maybe he lifted off his CC to make an SCV there? No way that would be stupid. So I crank up the replay again, and I see the coolest shit to be cool. Hasudrone built his first supply depot below the cliff and when the SCV was done building, he got off onto the elevated expansion spot. Hasudrone can now use this at his advantage. It will save him time, and time is very important.Of course, lifting off a CC from the side would also work, but this would take a bit more time. Anyways, as I said both players go for early transportation. Smuft builds a Pylon at 8/9, Assimilator and Gateway at 10/17, Cybernetic Core at 14/17, Pylon at 15/17 and Robotics Facility at 17/25. Hasudrone goes for the following build order: Supply Depot at 9/10, Barracks at 11/18, Refinery at 14/18, Supply Depot at 16/18, Factory at 18/26, Command Center at 21/26 and Starport at 23/26.

No offensive moves were made so far, but things are about to change. Hasudrone has his natural up and running, two factories and one Starport. Smuft, on the other hand, doesn't have an expansion going, but he has a Shuttle loaded with a Dragoon and a pair of Zealots. He sends it straight to Hasudrone's main base, unloads the cargo and watches SCVs fall apart. The miners, in answer to the threat, counter attack with their shittty Fusion Cutters. Smuft reloads his squad and drops it all at the elevated expansion. The SCVs put up a good fight but are soon turned to burning scrap. Hasudrone is forced to lift off his burning CC.

Pissed off, hasudrone has an evil plan piecing together in his tired mind. His Dropships are almost done building and he has Tanks ready to go. He lands his CC back at its spot and unloads 16 SCVs to mine the precious minerals. He sieges to well positioned Tanks to counter any minor ground threat. Meanwhile, Smuft has two brand new Shuttles online. He loads up 4 dragoons and 4 zealots in the slow ass Shuttles, they wait for orders from their allmighty commander Smuft. "To your dea-... uhh, I mean... to the war my minions!"

Off they go, the landing spot is quickly decided and the warriors land on ennemy ground. The two sieged Tanks start pounding on the poor Protoss forces, but the damage to Hasudrone's base is still costly. One tank is destroyed by the Zealots, but hasudrone manoeuvres his SCVs into a wall formation to prevent the Zealots from reaching the remaining tank. The Dragoons take out the Tank, but at the cost of the Zealots, soon the battle is won by mad SCVs with their dreaded Fusion Cutters.

Now that the ennemy is without an attack force, hasudrone decides to put his evil plan to work. Knowing that Smuft has warped a Nexus at his natural, he sends in a Dropship with a Tank and four SCVs. They land on a cliff below the expansion, the Tank is sieged, and it starts pounding on the distant Nexus. The four SCVs get to work and put up turrets to prevent any kind of drop. Sadly the elevation is very long, covering it all would require something like 30 turrets.

But Hasudrone has got an idea. He builds a wall on the cliff. Soon Zealots land on the elevation and head straight for it. They take it down and go for the Tank, it too, blows up like a new year's firecracker. At this point in the game, neither players are suited for war. So both decide to take advantage of the peaceful times. Hasudrone, being the professional expo whore, takes the 6 o'clock expansion and the western center expansion. Btw: Western=Left, for you people without an "educashun". Smuft, the superhero Protoss commander, orders his favourite Probe, Shmgtleon, to build a Nexus at the 12 o'clock expansion spot. Hasudrone puts down two Factories at his central base while Smuft decides to build a few more gateways.

Now Smuft's main is running out of minerals, so he's got to hold on that new expo of his. He sends out a small band of Dragoons to guard the precious location. A quick scan reveals the warping Nexus to hasudrone, so he quickly decides to use his cliffwork skills to try and rape the weird ass... blue... shiny thingy.

Four tanks and a few SCVs land on the cliff north to the expansion. The Tanks are sieged and start ripping parts off the weird... blue... shiny thingy. The SCVs immediately get to work and put down a few Turrets for air defence. Everything looks fine. The defending Dragoons are given the order to hold position, but one of them, probably the dumbess one, walks in range of the Tanks and desperately tries to take them out. It's blown to pieces faster than a toast that pops out of a... well... toaster.

It seemed to me that the expo was going to go down, but Smuft sends in Zealots to destroy the Tanks. Again, the SCVs try their best to defend with Fusion cutters. Maybe next time boys!

Feeling the urge to expand, hasudrone builds a new expansion at the 9 o'clock position. A dropship unloads 8 more miners there and soon the blue shit is being mined by numerous SCVs. From now on the action is non stop, as I said earlier, these guys do 5 and a half things at the same time, and it's very hard as a Battle Reporter to put it all in a report. So I will follow the main battles and keep you up to date with the expo whoring. Anyways... Things are comming along well for hasudrone, nothing could stop him, except for the loss of a few expansions....

Smuft got really anoyed by hasudrone's central expansion. So he puts his options into consideration; HTs? DTs? Zealots? Everything. The warriors are dropped in the mineral line and Smuft micros his Dark Templars and Zealot to target SCVs while storming Tanks with his High Templar (while scratching his balls). At the same time, he launches a surprise attack on hasudrone's 6 o'clock expansion base. The central expansion remains, but the 6 o'clock is flattened, the Protoss force only had to fend off a few Tanks and the expo was gonerz.

Smuft now sits back and watches Terran shit fall apart. Hasudrone takes advantage of this and attempts to destroy Smuft's natural. If he succeeds, he can use the elevated ground to bombard the Protoss base. He lands Tanks on the cliff below the expansion and of course, his indispensable SCVs. As the Tanks do that familiar "pookishweeouhhh-weeekeeeshpeewoooinnng", huge canons emerge from the Tanks menacingly. The Zealot guarding the cliff is disposed of and soon the expansion takes some punishment. The SCVs, once again, build Turrets for air defence.

The Tanks have about 10 seconds of peace before they are under attack again, 3 Shuttles, all loaded with Dark Templars, arrive to save the day. Once again, Hasudrone's attack fails. While all this was happening, Hasudrone builds 2 expansions at the bottom left position. He also has SCVs at both top left expansion spots.

With this happening, hasudrone smashes his fist down on the keyboard. The strategy he's using just won't work, he'll have to change the way he plays if he wants a victory. Then it gets worst. Red dots show up on the minimap as a large Protoss ground force tears down his 9 o'clock expansion. Knowing they would come for his central expansion next, he prepares for the attack. The ground shakes as Tanks unleash hellish hell on the ennemy.

Things are going very well for Smuft now. If he can take out all the expansions, he's got hasudrone by the balls. He successfully takes out the central expansion, but at a very heavy cost. Feeling safe, he naked expands at the 2 o'clock.

This is where the game changes. As I said, if hasudrone doesn't change his strategy, he could end up with swollen balls. He decides to shift his production from mass ground to heavy air. Valks and Wraiths are produced out of his Starports.

Knowing that he must keep his reputation as the best expo whore in the world, hasudrone builds new Command Centers at both top left expansion spots. Then he tries to do what he failed to do the entire game; take out a whole expansion. As usual, he throws some Tanks and SCVs in, but this time he has Valks to prevent any kind of drop. This is where I witnessed the biggest rape ever. Dragoons are blasted to oblivion, three Shuttles loaded with stuff are decimated, the Nexus is flattened and peons run for dear life. Satisfied, hasudrone loads up his troops and flies back to safety.

All game hasudrone seemed to take less accessible expansions, while Smuft takes the ones closer to his main. Maybe hasudrone did this so that when it comes to late game he will have better places to expand? Maybe, maybe not.

Alrighty, time for a coffee break! Here's a cool little cool thingy I thought was pretty cool. Look at the writing and try saying the color, not the word. You'll see, it's pretty hard. Ready, set, go!

Red Purple Black Yellow Red Black Yellow White Purple Yellow Red Black White.

Hard isn't it! You see it's because the right side of your brain tries to read the word while the left side tries to read the color, or the opposite if you're lefty, like me :).

It is now 20 minutes in the game. This is enough for players like Smuft and hasudrone to mine several expansions. Now hasudrone decides to take the expansion right above his main. He sieges three Tanks and unloads three dropships fulls of SCVs.

Smuft knows he has the expo advantage, he also knows that if he can open a can of whoopass on all those expansions, the game could be his. Well, my friends, he does just about that. He takes out both top left expansions and the bottom left expansion. The only one to remain is the elevated bottom left expo. There are now about three Weiss (white) Command Centers floating around pointlessly. Smuft has a Nexus at almost every expansion base and his production is by far better than hasudrone's.

What hasudrone needs now is a miracle. He takes back his bottom left expansion and tries something new. He builds more Starports and decides to use air only. Soon a brand new flock of Wraiths heads north for Smuft's main. On the way, they encounter some Protoss... without detection! The Wraiths slowly chew away at the defenceless Protoss. They then swiftly turn around and head for the naked 6 o'clock Protoss expansion. The three Probes are killed and the Wraiths finish off the Nexus. SCVs are dropped there and start building a new base, mostly Turrets and Factories.

Smuft has 7000 blue turds and gas, while his sworn enemy, hasudrone, has 300 blue turds and 6000 gas. Smuft knows that hasudrone's going to try and steal some of his precious expansions. That's excactly what happens next. Hasudrone's target is the central expansion, hopefully he can get some revenge, it used to be his, but Smuft raped it and put up his own base there. Again those Tanks and their stupid drivers do the job with the company of the mighty flock of Wraiths. All the peons are taken out, but a group of Speedlots come to rip up the Tanks. Problem is, the Wraiths start attacking the Zealots, and they die trying to jump up high enough to destroy the damn flying things.

The Tanks are destroyed, but the Wraiths survive. They stay at the cliff and take out some more Zealots, but soon some Dragoons arrive and start attacking the Wraiths. Hasudrone's quick scan reveals Observers, so he targets them. The tiny thing takes a whole volley of Gemini Missiles before blowing up like a fry in a frying pan used to fry some fries. Another observer arrives and hasudrone is forced to retreat.

Having failed once again, hasudrone doesn't quit, he uses the same strategy on the 2 o'clock Protoss expansion. This time his units have better upgrades, +1 on all weapons and plating. Hasudrone scans, takes out the Observers and pulls away. He sieges his Tanks and takes out the Photon Canons and follows that by another Wraith attack. Before Smuft knew it, his expansion was flattened.

While all this was happening, Smuft ordered an attack at hasudrone's 6 o'clock. A small ground force of Zealots and Goons destroy the unprotected expansion. This also puts a dent in hasudrone's economy, and economy is the key to victory in this game.

Even though he just lost one, hasudrone is going to rebuild an expansion at the old Protoss base he just razed. He builds the CC on the cliff next to it.

Hasudrone's Wraiths run straight into a small force of Dragoons. Before the Terran Commander realized it, he had lost half of his airforce. At this point in the game Smuft has way more money, but only two fully functional expansions. Hasudrone is one poor ass fothermucker, but he has four fully functional expansions.

Smuft decides to pull out the big guns. He warps in 6 Stargates and starts producing Corsairs to counter hasudrone's Wraiths. Soon Smuft has a perfect counter to cloaked air. Hasudrone finds out about the Stargates, and he also knows that Smuft is only producing Corsairs with them. He uses the nearby cliff to rape some Protoss shit. His Tanks do a good job, but not good enough, they damage two Stargates to red hitpoints but are then fucked up by some Speedies.

Knowing that Smuft is now going for mass air, hasudrone needs a good counter. Wraiths will not do the job now that Smuft has a few Observers, so he goes for Valkyries. As soon as they are up and running, they are sent out in ennemy territory to attack vulnerable units. They find easy targets, four idle Shuttles get smoked by volleys of missiles, they try to run (fly), but the Valks are just too fast.

Shortly after that, Cariers are warped in from the Stargates. Hasudrone decides, him too, to pull out the big guns. He orders all his Starports to start putting some Battlecruisers together.

Smuft uses his new fleet to take out an anoying expansion below his main base. His air force consists mainly of Corsairs for air defence, Observers for detection, and Cariers to lead the attacks.

Hasudrone now has a strong air force too. Battlecruisers and a few Valkyries escort two dropships to a cliff that could be very useful in expo raping. The Dropships make it to the cliff and four Tanks are unloaded. They start pounding at two expansions at a time. After nailing something like 50 Probes and destroying a Nexus, the Tanks are slowly ripped up by Interceptors.

Smuft knows he will have to deal with some pretty dangerous shit. He'll need the advantage of all the units he can get. He starts an Arbiter at his favourite Stargate and makes Scouts out of all the others.He adds two Dark Archons for Mind Control or Feedback and a few High Templars for Psi Storm, now he looks ready to take on anything.

Both commanders are now playing cat and mouse near the center. Smuft uses Mind Control on those damn Cruisers and soon hasudrone is forced to fight his own men. Now the Terran commander knows he can't attack head on, if he does things could go very bad. Smuft has the perfect counter to Battlecruisers and if he succeeds in destroying the huge ass fleet, the path to hasudrone's main would be open. So hasudrone decides to take it slow. Thanks to the Japanese, the dreaded Yamato Gun is now available. Hasudrone picks off both Dark Archons to prevent having to nail his own Battlecruisers. Hasudrone smiles evily as he hears the Yamato Guns frying the Dark Archons to death.

Smuft has a good counter to Battlecruisers... but he can't move it all around without Shuttles! Hasudrone orders his whole airforce to attack the Protoss main. The Battlecruisers take out peon after peon after peon before an Arbiter comes to the rescue. Hasudrone didn't spread out his air force, so Smuft easily freezes them all in a Stasis Field. Now all that's left is two Valkyries and a pair of Battlecruisers. They fight bravely, but with their Anti-Matter missiles the Scouts are more than a match for the Valks. Smuft's army isn't spread out either, so the damage to the shields by the missile volleys is immense. With a nice +2 upgrade to air weapons, the Valkyries are the right hand of god, that one's stronger, it gets more exercise, if you know what I mean. So as most of the army is frozen in time, the remaining ships get asswhooping by the entire Protoss fleet (look at all the damage to the shields!).

Smuft knows that when the rest of the juggernaut is free, it will be one hell of a battle. He makes a smart move. The motionless fleet is surrounded by High Templars ready to cast some Psi Storm all over the flying beasts. As soon as the Battlecruisers are free again, the crackle of Psi Storms is heard over and over again. Knowing that he must run like hell, hasudrone retreats his forces. "We'll get you later fothermuckers!" yells out one of the Battlecruiser janitors.

Hasudrone is having trouble with Smuft's air, it's a bit smaller than his own, but it's better. He'll need more than Battlecruisers to take out that Scout/Carier/Storm combo. So he decides to shift his production again. Remember those Factories at the 6 o'clock expansion (or not)? They all start building Goliaths. With the full 3-3 upgrades, they can take out anything that's got wings. Hasudrone orders one of his Machine Shops to upgrade Goliath missile range, and soon the research is complete. The Goliaths are ordered to attack north in a "messed up line formation", they do so.

This is a turning point in the game. For a while, it appeared that the game would be Smuft's. But he produced mass air, thinking hasudrone would stick to his Battlecruisers. It was a mistake, he should of kept at least a small Zealot or Dragoon force in case of an attack by ground. Smuft doesn't know it yet, but soon his western expansion will leveled.

The Goliaths start taking out building after building. Smuft keeps his air force away, attacking the huge Goliath army would be ridiculous. He starts producing ground units once again, mostly Speedlots and High Templars. As hasudrone takes the precious expansions, the Protoss prepare for the final assault.

Smuft knows he can't do anything about the Goliaths for now, so he uses his *Majestic* fleet to flatten the 9 o'clock expansion. A Command Center and a few Factories are razed, but nothing that valuable, the expansion was mined out. Hasudrone has a whole shitload of extra minerals, so he uses it to build Turret wall near the center.

As I said, Smuft would go for ground now. I guess those Dark Templars still think their Santa Claus suits are gonna save them even though there's about 20 Turrets detecting their body heat. Oh well.

Now that things have changed a bit, I think you could all use a little minimap update (the first real one, heheh). Well here it is.

As the Goliaths continue their rampage, Smuft knows he must do something to stop the attack. All he has is a small ground force and a very large air force. He decides to send in his Cariers. This proves to be a wise choice as the buildings from his expansion block the way to the Goliaths, most of them cannot walk in range of the Cariers. Interceptors fall like flies, and soon the Cariers have nothing to send out at war.

Hasudrone has to take out the Gateways in the center. He decides to send in the militia! SCVs attack in a frenzy of crappy Fusion Cutters. The Zealots, all happy that they can tear up a few SCVs, go and get a few scalps each.

The battle was going well for Smuft until hasudrone sends in all his new Goliaths from the 6 o'clock Factories. Smuft pulls back out of the battle, knowing he can't beat 30 Goliaths with a few ground units. He decides to bring over his almighty super omega apocalypse fleet. Hasudrone attacks, but he quickly retreats at the sight of well positioned High Templars, ready to throw 10000 volts of electricity at the Goliaths. Smuft counter attacks with his Cariers, but turns around when he hears some "poooweetwies" from the 15 or so Turrets firing.

Smuft won't give hasudrone the slightess break. He uses long range cheapness to destroy the Goliaths. Storms are heard from miles away as High Templars use all their brainpower to cast Psionic Storms. Now that most of the Goliaths are wiped out, Smuft sends in his ground troops. They destroy Turrets, and more Turrets. They then proceed to destroy Turrets followed by some more Turrets.

The moments of glory would prove to be short for Smuft, hasudrone had, once again, more Goliath re-enforcements on the way. The battle was fierce, and I couldn't tell for sure who would win, the Protoss force was smaller but had the weather on its side. The ennemy, the Terran, had Goliaths pouring into ennemy sight.

Both players showed excellent micro and macro. Hasudrone moving his Goliaths around to avoid Psi Storms and Smuft placing the Psi Storms at the right spots.

The Protoss commander uses a Scout hit and run/Storm to destroy the Goliath army, at the cost of most of his Scouts.

Both armies are decimated and only a few High Templars remain. The way I see it, the player who can get an army up faster wins. Both sides are almost out of money, as most of the expansions were destroyed earlier. Players did not bother to rebuild expansions because the bank was loaded. But now, the unexpected happened, and both players used all their money. Who's going to win?

Both players know the end is near, hasudrone has more money in the bank, but all his expansions are mined out. Smuft, on the other side, has a one and a half running expansions, but no money in the bank. Hasudrone knows he will have to deal with some High Templars, so he builds a few Vultures so he can sweep through and take out some HT's with gas-full pop cans. Smuft puts a small ground force together and quickly sends everything out to war. Both sides collide, the Terran curse and scream before turning to burning rubbish. The Protoss, to proud to even think about cursing, insult the Terran who in turn ask themselves; "who the falk is Adun?".

"Yay! Mommy come and see!" yells out Smuft (real name Oliver Klozov) when he sees his army gets the upper hand. The Protoss march on, and soon they have a shitload of Factories to destroy. Well, you guessed it, Smuft wins, hasudrone loses.

Even though he's the best player out there, I guess he gave Smuft a chance. He's a really nice guy and didn't want to humiliate Oliver. The real reason I chose a replay of hasudrone losing is to surprise people, you probably all guessed I would make this on hasudrone winning right?

The game was very close and both players did an awesome job at trying to get a good shot at the other player's balls. The score was very close too, with hasudrone winning in resources and Smuft winning in structures and units.

As I told you at the beginning, we learn much from these guys, even me, the pro (HA). Even though they are experts, the players screwed up at some spots. Many lessons were learned:

1-Expand alot, usually the player with more money in late game wins.
2-Keep an eye on what kind of unit the ennemy is making, you will need this info to prepare a good counter, Smuft didn't do this while building up his huge fothermucking fleet, he almost lost because of this.
3-Defend your expansions. All you need is a few defensive structures to hold off the ennemy while you send in some back up.
4-Bob Barker owns all, except Happy of course.

Conclusion

I would like to thank both players for being born. I would also like to thank all you Battle Reporters out there, you inspired me, keep up the good work. All my apologies to the people I insulted in this report, even though sometimes I mean it.And for you who think Smuft's name is really Oliver Klozov, it's a joke, a lame one too (all of her clothes off), his real name is Hierate Mich. Not, that means "Marry Me" in German mwuaha!

For replays featuring these players, you can download some at the replay section of this kick ass site. You might want to try hasudrone's other name too, NTT. .

Here's a link to the replay of this goddish game, if you download it, respect it. It's about 200k in size (thanks ling-erie!). And one last word, my dog owns all.

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