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YOU PISSED OFF THE WRONG GUY
By Drefsab
It had been an interesting day at work. Gertrude, the business office manager had spilled her morning coffee. Not on her crotch either, but on something more valuable, her new Pentium 1.5 Ghz system. Most of the time, there is a cover on such a machine to protect the valuable hardware from clumsy 44 year olds high on a mixture of Prozac, caffiene, and Midol. But today, I had the cover off. The bitch had wanted a new CD-rewritable drive, not only so that she could back up her valuable Word documents and Excel spreadsheets on something other than the floppy disks that kept mysteriously malfunctioning (perhaps due to the refrigerator magnet of a calfornia raisin stuck to the desk drawer where her disks were kept), but also so that she could burn the Dances With Wolves soundtrack that she had downloaded last week using company bandwidth. Oh, did I mention that Gertrude is the wife of the president of the company?
I'm sure you can understand why I needed a little Starcraft to unwind when I got home.
I collapsed into my desk chair, kicked off my loafers, and loosened my tie. I opened up Internet Explorer and browsed over to the Starcraft Discussion forum to see what was up this afternoon. One particular post instantly caught my eye.
Subject: Shit Guys, Read this!!
Author: Powell
Look guys, I know that there is no way any of you are going to believe this, but this is serious shit. I am posting this from an Internet Cafe. Do NOT flame [EWE]Effo no matter what. Shit, gotta run........
There were already three or four clever responses to the post and I added mine. Powell was fucking hilarious.
I distinctly remembered yesterday's thread and browsed back to it. [EWE]Effo and Powell had fought quite a flame war and had gone back and forth numerous times. Effo was pretty fucking stupid and Powell had the upperhand most of the way. He'd also had various forum regulars throwing in "hahahhahaaureipaosisrsu;lsk;j;al" support posts. The final post on the thread was by Powell.
Subject: P is for Pee
Author: Powell
I'm going to pee on your mom.
I giggled like a stupid little schoolgirl, closed out my browser, and opened up Starcraft.
* * *
Three days went by. I didn't really notice Powell's lack of posts. So many other people posted on the Discussion forum. But eventually, someone who talked to Powell on AIM mentioned that he hadn't seen Powell come online in a couple of days. Other forum regulars soon realized that Powell had been absent since his post from the "Internet Cafe" on Monday.
Subject: Effo, what'd you do with Powell?
Author: Dan the Stork
nt
Subject: Answer
Author: [EWE]Effo
I killed him.
Subject: haha
Author: Dan the Stork
A psycho in our midst. You gonna kill me next? :o
Subject: I don't know
Author: [EWE]Effo
Are you going to pee on my mother?
Subject: I don't know......
Author: Dan the Stork
Yes I do... piss piss. ==D - - o:)
It wasn't the most mature discussion I'd ever been privy to, but for some reason, it had me rolling on the floor. Effo was a stupid fuck. If he would just shut up and quit bringing up these flames, then the guys would forget about it and move on to something else. But I really didn't mind, his stupidity provided some great entertainment and entertainment is what I needed. It was actually kind of nice to see someone else take the brunt after a long day of being the brunt for stupid fucks like Gertrude.
There were two or three other threads on the matter of Powell's disappearance. One was a poll on the nature of Powell's untimely demise which got the poster a batch of "shut the fuck up moron"'s. No one really gave the matter much thought though.
* * *
I spent some time with my girlfriend during the weekend and didn't make it back to the Starcraft Discussion Forum until Sunday evening. The place was abuzz. There were three pages worth of back posts and I began working my way forward trying to decipher what all the fuss was about. It didn't take me long to realize that Dan the Stork was now missing. Since Powell and Stork had been visiting the forum for sometime, most people believed it was a prank that the two of them were playing. However, a few of the dumber posters began pointing the finger at Effo as being responsible. He didn't help matters any with his posts that nonchalantly took credit for their deaths. Eventually, the forum demanded details on what methods Effo had used for his murders.
Subject: Here's How
Author: [EWE]Effo
Powell was a real bitch. He lived in an apartment in downtown Philly and managed to get away. I finally caught up with him in a dead-end ally though. I hit him in the head with a metal bat knocking him out cold. Then I tied him up and waited for him to come to. I told him who I was and then peed on him. When that didn't kill him, I cut off his head and took it with me.
Stork went down much the same way, but he never made it out of his bedroom.
Subject: That's pretty lame
Author: Blast-of-EMP
Like we're gonna believe that shit. Any normal person should be able to take one shot to the head with a metal bat and stand their ground. If you tried to pull that shit with me, I would kick your ass so hard you would wish that all I'd done was pee on your mom.
Subject: haha Blast, you moron
Author: Magnesium
There is no way you could take a blow to the head with a metal bat. Shut the fuck up.
That particular thread pretty much deteriorated off topic at that point. However, discussing Stork and Powell's absences did not stop there. Endless speculative threads continued late into the night. I followed it for awhile but eventually got bored. Another long work week was starting soon so I went to bed.
* * *
On Wednesday morning the shit hit the fan.
I was browsing through the CNN web page and one of the articles towards the bottom caught my eye. It was by an observant AP reporter who had realized that the headless bodies of three teenage boys had been discovered in the last week. Even though great distances separated the sites of the murders, the similarity in crime scenes was eery. Eery enough that the FBI had taken interest. No details on the investigation were yet available but a chill instantly rushed up and down my spine. I hurriedly typed in the URL to the Starcraft Discussion Forum with a sinking feeling in my stomach.
The page opened in my browser and I was greeted with a post that linked the CNN article and then went on to point out that Blast-of-EMP had not posted since Sunday night. There were already quite a few responses to the post. Reactions were mixed as always. However, decidedly more were coming to realize that something major was afoot. Many of the posts were retirement posts. Funny thing was, no one was flaming them. In fact, there were very few posters left who were making "This whole thing is bullshit" posts. And no one was flaming Effo.
Then Effo posted:
Subject: Yup, that's me...
Author: [EWE]Effo
Do you guys believe me now, or do you not?
I don't know exactly what I was thinking, but I do remember a sort of blind rage rushing through me as I read that post. It was probably because I really did love this forum and hadn't really realized it until now. I had pretty much taken it for granted over the last three years, but it really was a sort of family, in a weird, twisted, online sort of way. Three of the guys who had been posting here for months, even years were missing, and this Effo son of a bitch was taking credit for killing them. Even if this whole thing was just a giant hoax, and these three guys were off snickering somewhere waiting to make their grand re-entry, the fact that Effo could sit there and make detailed, sickening posts about how he had desecrated their bodies with no smiley faces, no hahas, no just kiddings, totally infuriated me. It wasn't funny, and even if it was meant to be funny, it still wasn't funny.
And so I posted...
Subject: You goddam motherfucker
Author: Joey-B
Listen here you goddamn son of a bitch. I swear to God if I ever meet you face to face, I will rip your fucking head off and then piss down your neck. I'll stick your head on a fire hydrant so that every dog in the fucking city will take a piss on your face. Then I'll cremate your body and spread your ashes out over a cow pasture so that every last little particle related to your existence on this planet is covered in excrement for all eternity.
Yeah, I was mad. I didn't even edit the post. I didn't give myself time to take it back either. I just typed it and clicked the submit button. Sure there was plenty of time for regrets afterward, even a bit of fear. But I couldn't take it back, and I don't think I would have, even if I could have. I have to admit, I felt a bit of pride at the fact that I had stuck my dick out there and told Effo what was up when no one else had the balls to do it.
Effo didn't respond to my post. Neither did anyone else. But posting slowed way down after everyone got their two cents in and so my post stayed on the front page for the rest of the day.
Even with all the crazy coincidences that had occurred over the past couple of weeks, the idea that Effo would be waiting for me when I got home seemed so absurd that it didn't even hold a place in the rational part of my brain. Yet, when I got home, unlocked my front door, and walked in, there he was, sitting on my couch with a metal baseball bat in his hands and a coil of rope slung over his shoulder.
He was about four feet tall and blue with big white eyes. Each eye had a small black pupil in the center, but the pupil in the left eye was a bit bigger than the one on the right. His skin was smooth and hairless all over. His hands and feet were webbed. The fingers were long and skinny but very flexible. I couldn't really tell because he was gripping the bat with both hands, but I'm sure he had at least 4 joints in each finger. He had a pointed snout that looked a bit like a pig, but it was blue like the rest of him and it was more pointed than you would normally see on a pig. When he stood up, I caught sight of a small stubby tail and it was wagging nervously.
I don't know if it was his looks or just the fact that he was there that shocked me more. I suppose since I was still standing so close to the front door I could have turned and made a run for it. But I didn't. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open as he moved quickly towards me.
When he was about six feet away from me, he leapt into the air with amazing agility and swung the bat. As it moved through the air towards my head I began to move my hands in self-defense but I wasn't quick enough and I heard more than felt the dull thud as the bat made contact. I instantly saw a bright white light and lost all contact with anything relating to my body. As I fell backwards, I distinctly remember thinking of Blast-of-EMP's idiotic post about taking a blow to the head with a metal bat. I might have giggled before I passed out, but I'm not sure.
* * *
Yeah, so you can probably guess what happened next. When I came to, I was tied up. Struggling was pointless. Effo was looking up at the ceiling and when he heard my movements he looked down at me. I hadn't noticed his mouth before because he had no lips, and when his mouth was closed, it all but disappeared. When he opened it to speak, it sunk inwards and I could tell that he had a hard time framing English words with his alien tongue.
"I am [EWE]Effo. I have been orbitting your planet and monitoring your commumications for 100 years. You, Joey-B, have threatened me with the most horrific of deaths, The Pissing as your kind calls it. By the laws of my people, I thereby have the right to destroy you before you have opportunity to take such action."
He took five or six steps back and then reached down between his legs. I hadn't noticed it before, but there was a small protrudance there, maybe about half an inch, He manipulated it with his hands so that it was aiming in my general direction and suddenly, a warm yellow stream hit me. I instantly knew what it was and all kinds of connections fired in my brain. For some reason, urine was fatal to these creatures. How they managed to get it from their bladders to the open air without killing themselves, I may never know.
But however he managed to do it, he did it thoroughly spraying me down from head to foot keeping a close eye to make sure that the puddle stayed well away from him. I watched as his face transformed into one of alien frustration as, yet again, a human vicitm failed to show any adverse affects from his piss. He made another gesture then; possibly a shrug, reached behind him, and produced a long three foot blade reminiscient of a samauri sword. It was definitely razor sharp, and I had no doubt that Effo could sever my head with one swift blow.
I was still in a bit of shock at the absurdness of my situation, but my survival instinct kicked in. I had been drinking bottled water all day and never made it to the bathroom. As Effo stepped toward me and raised his blade into the air, I rolled onto my side and contracted my stomach muscles. This was no time to be pee shy. I felt the warm stream shoot forth from within me. It was a powerful stream and it fought its way through my boxers and my khakis. But the clothes made a powerful barrier and only a few drops made it through. But Effo had stepped forward to deliver the killing blow and the drops landed on his big webbed left foot.
The effect was jaw dropping. The skin on his foot where direct contact was made immediately began to sizzle. It caught Effo totally off guard and he yelped in surprise and obvious pain. Instinctively, he dropped the blade and bent down to grab at his foot. By this time my shorts and khakis were completely saturated and I let forth a final mighty burst of pee. The yellow stream hit [EWE]Effo squarely in the face. The noises he made while his head dissolved is something that I will never forget.
Epilogue:
Yeah, so things were pretty crazy for awhile. At first, there were a lot of interviews with various authority figures. I remember telling my story to the director of the FBI and when I finished, he looked me right in the eye and said in a deep, gravelly voice, "That was quite a pissing contest son."
After the authorities cleared me, I got to sell my story to the media's highest bidder, and the second highest, and the third highest. Let's just say I'm rich as hell now.
Thing is, I often sit here in my modern, cathedral-like living room watching my friends play Madden 2002 on my big Imax sized screen and wonder if there aren't a whole bunch of aliens out there that are pretty upset with me for knocking off their guy. Its a scary thought really. That's why I always drink my 8-10 glasses of water daily. Not only is it good for my health, but it could also save my life.
Oh, and the discussion forum has returned to normal. That's one thing that I don't think will ever die. For awhile the forum was flooded with people who wanted to see the site that the alien had visitted. So the site administrators took it down for a couple of months because that, along with some sort of replay incident really spiked their bandwidth costs. The site-seers started getting that "page not found" error message and eventually quit trying.
They eventually put the site back up, but the forum has never been quite the same without Powell, Stork, and Blast. Every once in awhile, someone will post a link to one of their posts in the forum archives and everyone has a good laugh.
And finally, Gertrude. I send her e-mail viruses daily. Today's virus? Dances_With_Wolves.mpg.exe.
Copyright 2001 by Drefsab
That's right, I copyrighted a story about piss...
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