World Free Press Network, Broadcasting Live at 0337 EST.

A joint combined arms Earth/Arrakis force engaged what they have alternately identified in bizarrely contradicting reports as Bugger, Formic, Harkonnen or smuggler operations on either of the two aforementioned planets. The commanders of the Earth and Arrakis military, respectively Mazer Rackham (aka HonorHarrington and William_Wilson) and Paul Atreides, "Muad'Dib," (aka Fortuna and Prester_John) joined reporters at Waypoint Station earlier today, in high orbit around Earth . . or, "Arrakis," as it appears to be known. The following transcript contains excerpts from the press conference.

WFP: Is it true that today's actions could save all of humanity from an unspeakable alien threat?
MR: We've known of the imminent invasion for the last 80 years, and had plenty of time to prepare the International Fleet, and train our commanders at the Battle School. Nonetheless, it will be a hard-fought struggle. We anticipate victory today as a culmination of decades of painful, difficult decisions and sacrifice. Although, frankly, we don't recall so much purple goop from the last conflict. Next.
WFP: Mr. Atreides, some people are referring to you as the Messiah. What do you say to that?
PA: That's never been a title I've pursued. We're all working toward greater knowledge in the interests of all humanity.
WFP: Does it concern either one of you that, despite championing humanity, your armies are distinctly alien?
MR: I think what you're seeing is the result of highly advanced technology developed in secret in order to preserve its effectiveness in combat as unparalleled might.
WFP: So there is no truth to the rumor that the ships and technology being used in this present conflict are actually alien in origin, parcel-fed to us over decades in exchange for human test subjects, landing rights, and our eventual assimilation into a faceless, merciless galactic Overwatch?
PA: I cannot confirm nor deny at this time that you are, in fact, using proper grammatical rules of English. Next.
WFP: We're hearing conflicting reports of precisely who the enemy is. Can you clarify?
PA: House Atreides is even now moving against the private army of House Harkonnen, who is working in collaboration with the most vile indigenous spice-crazed life on Arrakis.
MR: If I may, this species is the very same race which attacked Earth more than eighty years ago, and allied with a rogue human faction, intending our utter demise.
WFP: Well, as long as we're saving humanity, that's what counts in the long run.
PA: Undoubtedly.
MR: Actually, determining the precise nature of ou---
PA: Undoubtedly.
MR: Well, yes.

That concludes the statements by commanders Atreides and Rackham earlier today, spoken from the primary briefing hall on Waypoint Station. We understand that the hostile forces arrayed against Earth --or, Arrakis, wherever we may be-- have been identified under the code names of Lay the Pipe, almost undoubtedly an illicit narcotic reference, and The A-Team, harkening back to large explosions, fast cars, and an uneasy but declining era of blaxploitation. The World Free Press Network has intercepted the following transmissions between the two allied opposition forces, and translated:

LtP: Ziglarahhhnn Haasst klha *crackle crackle* Huh huh, yeah, like, woah. Dude, it's um, like, everywhere. It's freeeee. . . !
AT: We're not afraid, and we know what to do. You better get out of our way, or feel the pain!! YEAH!
LtP: Um. Shut up, doofus. Uh, yeah.

These are well-trained and dangerous foes, presenting the gravest of threats to humanity. We're cutting now to live coverage of the unfolding carnage. The questions foremost in everyone's minds are, first, "Will Rackham survive long enough to put the best and brightest Earth has to offer from Battle School into the conflict," and second, "Can Atreides hold on to a wide enough production base to convince his people to fully support the war effort?" Let's turn to the remotes and see.

Rackham_Mazer and Paul_Atreides, both Protoss, start in the nine and twelve o'clock positions, respectively, while the Zerg Buggers and Terran House Harkonnen are three and six. Rack, the Bugs, and Hark all go with standard starts--

Rack--Pylon, Gate, Pylon, Gate, Forge, Core. Standard 'lot defense at choke, with a cannon and shield battery. Rack scouts early and finds the Harkonnen menace in the south.
Bugs--Being the ravenous empirialists they are, early hatch at natural, then pool and sunken defense with a few lings.
Hark--Supply, Rax, Gas, then practically simultaneous factory/starport/engineering bay. Wall-in at choke w/ rax, bunker, 2xDepots and a turret.

Paul gets unconvential. A probe, lost in contemplation, stumbles across the Bugs' home and finds the quick exp. Concerned for the stunned probe's safety, Paul sends two Secret Service Zealots to escort the wayward probe back into friendly territory but tragically, one of the SSZ's loses his life in the line of duty. Immediately thereafter, Paul starts an exp at his own natural in order to counter the Buggers'.

Harkonnen is the only player who doesn't scout early--Paul and Rack sent out probes, and the Buggers floated an OL, but it's over five minutes into the game when Harkonnen does a flyby of Rack with an engineering bay and finds Rack's camp clear of troops, missing the 'lots and goons stationed out of sight at the choke.

By this time, everyone's choke is sealed up tightly, except for Paul, who opts for a mobile defense of ground troops: 'lots and a few goons, to protect both his main and his natural.

The Buggers upgrade to a lair, get ventral sacs and build a spire and evolution chamber, already starting to crank swarms of mindless hydras from all three hatcheries. Harkonnen, blinded by the taint of blood lust, prepares a four-vulture drop for Rack. He sneaks the drop ship along the bottom of the map, up behind Rack's minerals, and comes under fire from a cannon central to Rack's camp. The vultures barely start unloading by the assimilator when Rack's probes flee south as seven 'lots and three goons charge back in from the choke. Hark futilely scrambles the damaged vultures into his dropship, destroying any chance of doing harm with them before the dropship is blown away with all hands. Back at home, Hark has begun what will shortly become an extensive air defense network of turrets, and puts tanks into production.

Meanwhile, both Rack and Paul have built citadels and robos, Rack has an archives researching storm even as Paul's warps in, and Rack has sent an International Fleet expansion force north to secure the UL island for free humanity. On the offensive upgrade front, Paul is setting the stage for the maintenance of a ground-dominant army by researching ground attack one, while Rack, thinking of the mighty fleet he will need to destroy the Bugger menace, has already begun the first air attack upgrade.

While Rack makes high templar and saves for the construction of his fleet infrastructure, Harkonnen begins to spread his evil influence over the map, simultaneously reinforcing his partner with a siege tank and turret over the Bugger's natural and setting up a turbo-newbie on the plateau overlooking Paul's natural. Hark's first step is the building of a pair of wraiths, which makes sense except for forgetting to use them for the next seven minutes or so. He loads a dropship with a tank and two SCVs, which he sends to Paul's natural to begin the newbie. The tank holds back from the cliff edge so as not to alert Paul to the threat, while the SCVs begin a turret perimeter.

Paul, unaware of the newbie already in progress, realizes his need to defend against just such a threat, but a matter of seconds too late, it turns out. While Hark is readying his perimeter, Paul makes a shuttle and puts a nice care package together of a goon and two 'lots. Unfortunately . . .

This is going to revamp the pilot screening program.

. . . the first shuttle unexpectedly finds two just-completed turrets waiting for it, and without the speed upgrade cannot evade in time to save itself. Paul builds another shuttle, and this time loads it with four zealots. He comes around the south edge of the plateau, trying to elude the turrets, but Harkonnen in his mad turret-building ways has already extended the perimeter. Additionally the Buggers have built their one and only spore colony this game *right on the border,* where in combination with the turrets, it blows away the second shuttle while the now-in place tank starts blasting apart Paul's expansion. Paul manages to save the probes by running them back to his main.

Most people at this point would realize that Fate has decreed that no more shuttles are to be built until there has been a suitable time of ritual cleansing and fasting, perhaps even the sacrifice of one's firstborn. Not Paul. So dedicated is he to the need to destroy the Harkonnen evil that, ignoring Fate's clear demands as delineated in the sentences above, he builds a third shuttle, in which he places an SCV and flies down to the LR island where, jeez, Fate was *trying* to warn him, Hark had already started yet another turret perimeter. Don't let the metaphysical door hit you on the way out to Oblivion, there. Lesson 1: Fate sucks. Lesson 2: If you're going to pretend to have background checks, for crying out loud carry through. Let this shuttle be a warning.

Even as Paul's natural is blasted to bits, a hasty attempt to develop his mineral only is brought down by a mass of thirty hydras with a transport-capable screen of OLs in support. After destroying the newly built nexus, the newly speed and range upgraded Buggers load up and try a drop along the southern edge of Paul's main, figuring after losing a full expansion and a newly attempted one, he ought to be weak. Nope.

While Paul was busy eliminating the Bugger assault, neither Hark nor Rack were sitting on their respective duffs. Rack, passing mad military spending legislation, puts up two stargates, a fleet beacon, starts two carriers, and simultaneously researches shields one, extra interceptors, and air armor one to help further reduce muta bounce damage, (not that carriers are too concerned to begin with), followed by air attack two. Rack ALSO *cough* neglects to make templar at his UL expansion, despite having built a gateway.

Hark, on the other hand, is moving to exploit Rack's defensive oversight. After reinforcing the Buggers' choke, he loads four tanks into a dropship and scouts Rack's expansion with a wraith. Hark drops two tanks off to turbo Rack's natural, which, in fact, Rack was just then trying to expand to, and takes two more to the UL. Hark loses two tanks initially to cannons, manages to reverse course, grab the other two tanks from Rack's natural, and set up the reverse turbo newbie to halt mining operations, screened by four patrolling wraiths. Despite his own problems, Paul nonetheless attempts to fly a shuttle over to assist, but retreats home after spotting the wraiths.

Having built up a fleet of six carriers, with multiple observers, Rack blasts the Harkonnen scum from his UL expansion, and heads across the map to clear even more from Paul's natural.

The Buggers had other plans, however. Spotting Paul's restored mineral only, swarms (20) of hydras are sent raging into the unfortunate midst of Paul's army, standing watch at the exp. Combined zealots, goons, and DTs shred the hydra offense. Not finished yet, the Bugs immediately return with a full control group of guardians. Why the guardians didn't accompany the hydras . . .? Kidneys. That's why they're the Bugs.

The un-upgraded guardians kill the remaining goons, but fare only moderately against their 1-0-1 adversaries. Sadly for the remaining guardians, this is precisely when not only Paul's templar from home but Rack's carrier fleet show up, with predictably squishy results.

While Rack's carriers demolish Hark's turbo, the Buggers are putting together almost a full control group of devourers, accompanied by scourge, and Harkonnen has begun his own evil plan to rule the skies with valks, as short-lived as the scheme will prove to be. Paul sends templar, goons, and a few archons (it's TRUE--people DO make them!) to back up the carriers against the devs, valks (3), and scourge(legion.) Most of those troops survive, but, alas, Rackham's first attempt at a grand fleet ends, like so many conflicts zergy, in goo and shambles. --But not, however, without making a serious dent in the dev/valk numbers.

The Buggers cover a mineral only expansion attempt with hydras and lings, which Paul promptly lays waste to with a concentrated assault of 'lots, goons, temps, and an archon.

The gooey mess had barely begun to soak into the ground when the savage Buggers rally for a strike at Paul's now-thriving mineral only. . . . A little TOO thriving for the Buggers. Paul has two gateways at his mineral only and a few cannons, in addition to troops. Paul opens a can of reavers, templar, and goons on the attack, which never had a chance.

Harkonnen learns of Rack's rebuilt UL expansion, and heads back with a formidable drop force consisting of eight goliaths, seven marines, two tanks. He overflies Rack's up-and-running mineral only on the way, but drops his payload on target and without resistance. Rack's barely revived expansion is flattened in seconds, and Hark begins building defenses even before the fire has ceased. Meanwhile, Rack obtains air armor three, and has laid the foundation for a second fleet, already in possession of four each of 'sairs and carriers, and no shortage of obs.

Harkonnen's work is not done, however. He packs up seven goliaths, three SCVs, and two tanks, and heads north, and, after a minor skirmish with Paul's forces who had razed another attempt at expansion by the Buggers at their mineral only site, speedily overpowers the two goons Paul had left to guard his natural's plateau and starts to rebuild the turbo. Paul uses storm to kill the two tanks and knock the goliaths down to thirteen HP, but before he can recharge and finish them off, the Buggers broodling the temps, leaving Hark with a tankless turbo.

The tanks are quickly replaced, however, with the addition of guardians, and begin dealing serious damage to Paul's natural. Rack, who had been about to clear Harkonnen from the UL island with his second fleet and rebuild, diverts to Paul's defense. With only minor annoyance from scourge, the carrier/sair/obs force assists in laying waste to the Harkonnen/Bugger attack, although Paul's templar don't appear to need any extra help shredding things. As Rack sails to take care of the UL exp, two more carriers, fresh from dry dock meet mid way.

Meanwhile, the Buggers, hurting for resources, try once more to take their min only, and, while they're at it, snag Harkonnen's natural, which he seems to have neglected. To Hark's credit, he tries to expand to his min only with a CC float, but Rack's observers spot it and a surgical strike to kill the CC is executed. Paul get's his natural back on-line, and the tide appears to turn as Hark starts running uncomfortably low on resources.

Rack's carriers destroy Hark's fledgling UL expansion and its protective task force with ease, and then are beset in quick succession by scourge, wraiths, and devourers. The scourge manage to damage a carrier, and Hark's control group of wraiths, cloaked futilely against Rack's obs, barely has time to fire before they melt away from the hellish interceptor and corsair fire.

The devourers, on the other hand, meet a far more humiliating fate . . .

Back on his feet again, Paul starts production of ground troops in earnest again, while Rackham assigns the arbiter he just built to his carriers, and enjoys his 3-2-2 upgrades. The Buggers work to fortify their min only expansion, and Hark launches a goliath asault on Rack's natural while kicking vulture production into overdrive.

Hark's attack destroy's most of Rackham's probes, but the templar Rack had stationed at his choke respond quickly and storm the daylights out of the goliaths. Rack's reserve ground force also rushes to the scene and runs into Paul's troops who were deployed just before the attack began. The hapless remaining goliaths are instantly obliterated.

Paul: I *wondered* where all the goliaths had gone.

Hark orders his vultures into the field where they sow tactical minefields in front of the gateways by Paul's min only, at the edge of the Bugger min only for defense, defending his own new min only, and outside Rack's natural, not that Rack is particularly interested in ground troops at this point as another couple carriers warp into existence. Nonetheless, Hark pulls off the "fire and lure" AI trick and kills several of Rack's zealots before Paul, doubtless getting antsy with his rebuilt army, takes over and rips the vultures to teeny metallic confetti, barely noticing a doomed flanking manuever of zerglings which he slays effortlessly. Equal numbers of 2-0-1 zealots and goons against 1-0 zerglings will do that.

Paul launches a massive attack against the Bugger's min only and surrounding territories, sweeping south in a giant front. As soon as Rack notices the battle has commenced, he orders his carrier/sair fleet over, complete with obs cover and arbiter support.

The base is torn apart in seconds, along with Harkonnen's valk fleet and vulture support.

Goliaths and devourers are the only remaining threats to Rackham_Mazer's extermination of the Bugger onslaught and Paul_Atreides' iron hand of justice to the evil House Harkonnen, but their numbers are menacing. Perhaps with more equal upgrades, the fight might have been closer to even even contest, but as it stands . . .

With the looming Bugger threat no longer looming, and the traitorous, vile House Harkonnen stamped out at last. . .the only thing that remains is to lift your beverage of choice and join in a rousing chorus from an Irish drinking ballad.

Your Daddy, well he died, in the Falklands
Fighting for another man's cause
And your brother, he was killed in the last war
And your mother, well she's lying at home alone

And she wonders at it all
Just in whose name do these brave young heroes fall?
They're gonna fight, and die in another country's war
Where they should never've been at all . . .
. . .Never been at all

I hope you've had as much fun reading this Battle Report as I did creating it! Cheers to all, and (shameless patriotism) God bless America!

Battle Report by Rackham_Mazer