"I give my word as a battlereporter. /me puts hand on Rook"
-Drefsab
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| Crocodile Hunter Does SC - Repost | | | Author: | | | IP: | P124-DelXXXX | | Date: | 07/18/01 03:07 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 7, Min: 7
Lifetime Rating for Syndrome_Zed: 6.0000 |  |
Crocodile Hunter 2285
And now, it's time for our special presentation of...
Crocodile Hunter 2285
G'day, and welcome to the show. Today, we're going on safari to Chau Sara, where they have lots of really GREAT critters for us to see.
Right, as you can see, Chau Sara's a nasty little planet, covered with ashes and there's even a little leftover volcanic activity, so we'll have to be really careful out here. Now over there is the first thing I want you guys to see - Crikey! Just look at that! Isn't it beeautiful! That, my friends, is a Zerg Hive in all it's glory! Y'know, they're over 5 meters tall and very alive! These things provide shelter for all sorts of critters, as well as producing larva for more Zerg! Let's go have a closer look....just follow me!
Now, this gooey, sticky stuff is called Creep - we still don't know exactly what it is, but just look at how my feet get stuck in it - isn't it great! Creep is a food source for the Hive itself, but it's like walking in a movie theater after an all-night Shannon Tweed film festival. Ooooh, and look there! There's a zergling coming this way. Let's get really quiet and see if it comes closer. C'mon, c'mon, that's it, a little closer! Yeah, that's it.
See how much they look like dingoes? They're not REALLY related to wild dogs, they just look like 'em. And look at the tough leathery hide. Oop, I think it's seen me. Urgh...ungh...NOW, IF YOU GET A *ungh* GOOD LOOK WHILE I HOLD HIM UP, YOU CAN SEE *hmmph* HIS BONZER CLAWS...woops....OWW...THOSE THINGS..OUCH..PACK A WALLOP, LET ME TELL YOU! SEE HOW FAST HIS CLAWS *ow* CUT THROUGH *ow* MY ARM? CRIKEY BUT THEY'RE *ow* QUICK! Agh, now that I've let him go and me mates with the guns have chased him away, I'd like you to meet my medic Shiela. "G'day everyone" Shiela's going to fix my arm for me, and replace all the blood I lost. We'll be back in a few minutes while we let Shiela do her job, ok?
Colonel Sanders, sir?
Yes, Private Privates?
When we're stuck here on Chau Sara, and you have that, you know, not so fresh feeling, well, what do you do?
You mean masculine itch, Private?
Yessir, I reckon I do sir
When I have MI, I just use a dollop of UED-brand Penicil Ointment. Made from Zerg Defiler scrapings, it clears everything up, and removes unwanted hair while curing baldness and providing increased sexual energy and even enlarging my penis 12 inches at a dose.
Wow, sir. Penicil Ointment you say? I'll have to try some!
You do that son. Now I've got a date with the medic corps...all of them, heh heh. Just watch out for those Valkyrie pilots, Private, they can get kind of rough. And they have this weird thing about singing Wagner while they're in bed.
Penicil Ointment, get yours today. By UED
And now, back to Crocodile Hunter 2285
Right! We're back here near the Zerg Hive, and as you can see, Shiela did a great job fitting me new artificial arm. Thanks Shiela!
Now, we're working our way around the back of the Hive, and oooh, look there! Y'know what that is? Put the camera on it. There you go! That's a Greater Spire! Isn't it a beauty! Oooh, and look there! That big crab-like thing blotting out the sun? That's called a Guardian. We've never figured out how it can continue to fly without wings, but maybe we can get close enough to find out!
Crikey! These guys are BIG! And see that greenish blob that it just spit out? That's acid, and BOY can it burn! See what it just did to Shiela's escort? Poor guy! But thanks to the Protoss Corsairs and destruction of their natural habitats, these guys are an endangered species now! Let's go away and leave the big bloke alone, and maybe he won't spit any more acid at us! YOW! WATCH IT GUYS! CRIKEY! HE'S IN A BAD MOOD ALL RIGHT! OWWW! THAT WAS ME FOOT! HERE, SHIELA, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HELP? OWCH! YOW! JUST LOOK AT HOW THE ACID EATS THROUGH MY FOOT LIKE IT WASN'T EVEN THERE!
Well, while Shiela's patching me up, we'll take a short break. See you back here in a minute!
Phew, what a great run! Hi, I'm not really a colonial Marine, I just play one on TV! But if YOU want to be a colonial Marine, and you qualify under the New Standards, you can have all kinds of exciting work waiting for you in the Colonial Marine Corps! Why just listen to what Private Viewing Booth has to say....
HI-I-AM-PRIVATE-BOOTH. I-HAVE-FOUND-LOST-TEMPLES-AND-SEEN-PLACES-WITH-LOTS-OF-MINERALS-JUST-LYING-AROUND-SINCE-I-HAVE-BEEN-A-COLONIAL-MARINE. I-LEARNED-A-NEW-LANGUAGE-WITH-WORDS-LIKE-GOSU-AND-CHOBO-WHILE-I-KILLED-EVERYTHING-I-WAS-ABLE-TO-FIND. I-HAVE-MANY-NEW-SKILLS. THANK-YOU-COLONIAL-MARINES. I-NEED-TO-GO-NOW-MY-SEARGEANT-IS-BEING-DRUMMED-OUT-BECAUSE-HE-IS-BEING-CALLED-GAY-AND-CHOBO-AND-THEY-MIGHT-PROMOTE-ME.
New Standards include two legs, at least one arm, ability to die horribly and have no family to try and sue us. Payments will be made in installments, usually to next of kin after you've been killed. Life expectancy less than 30 minutes in infantry, where you will automatically be assigned. You will be given a relatively weak gun and a bulky suit of armor that is penetrated by everything your foes can throw at you. Marine Corps does not guarantee new skills will be learned or retained long enough to benefit you. For more information visit your local recruiting office, or just wait until you're of age and your recruiters will come to your door anyway.
And now, the conclusion of Crocodile Hunter 2285
Hey! Welcome back! As you can see, Shiela's really good at what she does - my new artificial leg looks great!
Well, folks, we've seen a lot on our safari to Chau Sara so far. But there's one more thing that we spotted while you were gone! Come over this way - there! See that thing that looks like a tent? That's a Hydralisk Den! Now let's go over here by the Hive. See this cute little bugger? He's a larva. He's still small because he hasn't become anything yet. Isn't he cute? Just look at that segmenting! Crikey, he's a beauty! He's not as fragile as he looks either.
Now, I mentioned the Hydralisk Den because one of these larva is growing into a Hydralisk even as I talk to you. See the egg over there? Yeah, that's the one. See how big the egg is getting? Let's go watch him hatch!
Now the great thing about hydralisks is when they hatch, they're fully grown! Oop - wait a minute, here he comes! Boy, this is great stuff! Here he comes...a little more...c'mon, you can do it...YES! Crikey, he's a beauty! Just look at those long spines, those great pointy teeth, and that tough, leathery hide! You know, they need that hide because human poachers have taken a heavy toll on them. It's a shame because they're such great beasts!
But they have a way to fight back, too, as our new friend is showing Shiela's other escort. See the spines it shoots - just like our Australian echidna, but with an attitude! And they explode, too! Just look at him shred Shiela's friend! Uh oh, I think he's mad at us! I think *ow* it's time to *OW* end our - CRIKEY - there goes my other arm! Anyway, it's time *owch* to leave Chau Sara *ungh* and find another *YEOW* land to *AGGGH - MY INTESTINES!* explore! SHIELA! HELP ME PUT THESE THINGS BACK INSIDE! SHIELA, COME BACK HERE YOU BLOODY WHshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
We're sorry, we're experiencing technical difficulties. Stay tuned for Judge Wapner's 50th Generation Clone's Animal Court, coming up next after this message from our sponsors.
Crikey! That was a close one! Crocodile Hunter here - as you can see, Shiela and I made it off Chau Sara, even though this artificial netting holding my intestines in looks a little creepy! We'll be back next week with a new trip and bonzer new critters to see! I hear those Bengalass are right beautiful creatures! See you then!
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