"most of the time when im dealing with hurricanes im thinking about 'where is that moisture going to go? how will it affect the jetstream troughs and ridges? Will I ever have sex again?'"
- LoZeR-X
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| SPAM WARS Episode IV: A new Flamer | | | Author: | | | IP: | gateway.XXXX | | Date: | 02/22/01 07:02 | | Game Type: | Other | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 7, Min: 7
Lifetime Rating for Monty Pylon: 6.0390 |  | This is inspired by the greatest sci-fi movie that has ever existed and a parody of said greatest sci-fi movie.
A Long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…..
SPAM WARS
Episode IV: A New Flamer
The galaxy has come under the cold grip of the evil Newt Empire. The Rebellion, under the command of General Vegas, has stolen the secret plans of the Emperors latest weapon of destruction. The ship that is escorting the plans has come under attack and is about to be captured by the Empire's sinister agents under the command of Lord GoZ. In an attempt to prevent the plans to fall back into Imperial hands, the data was loaded into two droids, Mark4 and Hawk2-chobo. The droids were shuttled away in an escape pod and have landed in the field of a young farmer named Iggy.
"I saw Hawk, we seem to be marooned here."
"Bleep, boop, wawa!-Damn, stuck on another planet full of newbies!"
"I think we should find some shelter quick before our circuits rust. Perhaps that young man can tell us where we are. I saw, excuse me, can you help us?"
"Where did you fellows come from?"
"It's a rather long story and I'm afraid we are in a bit of a rush."
"I could probably help you if I knew what you guys were after."
"We are looking for an old and rather decrepit hermit."
"Oh, you must mean that stranger in the valley. I can show you the way to his hut."
"That would be wonderful, allow me to introduce ourselves. I am Mark4, Newbie-cyborg relations and this little fellow is my counterpart, Hawk2-chobo. Don't be rude Hawk, say hello."
"Bleep, bleep, boop, boop, wrrr! -I don't know who you are but you are definitely a newbie!"
"My names Iggy and this is my farm. It's pretty boring here, except when we go get "power converters" if you know what I mean."
"I'm a robot so I have no idea of what you are talking about."
"Blep, bleep, boooooop? - Is that newbie for I suck?"
"Nevermind, I'll show you the way to the hermits place. It's just over the dunes."
The trio set out in search of the mysterious loner and soon became lost in the desert. They walked for what it seemed to be forever and then passed out from heat exhaustion. When they awoke, they found themselves in a small hut.
"Where are we? What happened?"
"You are safe now young man. You had passed out from the heat, you are lucky I was walking by."
"Who are you?"
"I am Obie-do Banobie Scooby-doobie Sosueme Whan and I have the longest name in the entire universe."
"You're the old hermit."
"That I am young man."
"Then these two droids have been in search of you. They said they needed to find you and that it was important."
"You are quite right Iggy, Mister Whan, we have a message for you from General Vegas. Hawk, play the message."
The droid opened a small lens and a video link was established. There stood the general and he was very worried.
"Whan, I must ask that you come to the rebel headquarters on Polaris to help us in our fight against the Empire. These droids contain secret data to a new Imperial weapon and must be delivered to Polaris. Please help us in our time of need."
The message faded out and the four were now left to contemplate.
"I must go at once, you two droids get ready to leave. We must hurry."
"I want to go too. There is nothing for me here, and I have to get away from this place."
"Very well, you shall be of service. Quickly, we must get to KFC Spaceport as soon as possible."
They piled into a speeder and headed west towards the spaceport. In the meantime, Lord GoZ had begun to test the new Imperial weapon. It was a gigantic space station that fired a beam of pure stupid that could cause a planets population to shiver in the wake of an aneurysm. Lord GoZ, began to run final checks with the head generals.
"Lord GoZ, we are pleased to report that the station is fully operational. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe."
"Your weapon is mighty, but it is nothing compared to the ASDF."
"Spare us your religion GoZ, we are not to fear your magic tricks."
GoZ raised his hand towards the general and began to concentrate.
"Polls.. with a capital G!"
That's all GoZ said, but it was enough to cause the generals brain to think hard. It consumed his mind and the general began to shake as this one thought corrupted his mind and then he fell dead of an aneurysm.
"That's enough GoZ, we understand."
"You do? I mean, yes you do. In that case we should test our weapon, head for Alderanus. I intend to have my way there."
The spacesation turned headed for the small planet. At the same time, the foursome had reached KFC Spaceport and were looking for a ship. They came upon a smuggler named SlingsNArrows and his furry companion, Jamellan.
"We wish to receive passage aboard your ship."
"Is that right? You want to go to a rebel hotzone and that isn't very safe for any ship. It will cost you quite a bit."
"We can pay your fee, half now and half later. All we need is your ship and you to fly."
"You got a deal old man. If Jam agrees. What do ya say Jam?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLMMMM."
"Then it's a deal, half now and half later. Meet us at flight bay seven."
An hour later, the group was in the air and headed for Polaris. On the way, Iggy came upon Whan meditating and was curious why.
"What are you doing?"
"I am channeling the ASDF."
"What is the ASDF?"
"It is a lifeforce that surrounds all things. It flows through us and around us and is in all living things."
"Wow, I wish I could channel the ASDF."
"Anyone can do it, I believe the ASDF is strong in you. I will teach you, if you are willing to learn."
And so began Iggy's lessons in the ASDF. Iggy was quick to learn and we doing well in his first lessons. But then a strange felling had come over Whan, as if a trillion IQ points had suddenly died. Unknown to our heros, they had come near the station and a tractor beam pulled them inside the massive station. They group hid and when the coast was clear, they plan an escape.
"Look, if you can open the doors, I can disable the tractor beam."
"I'm not going anywhere old man. This was not in the deal."
"I would suggest you comply or else we will be stuck here for a long time."
"Alright, me, Jam and the kid will go to the control room. You go get that beam disabled."
Whan made his way through the station, using the ASDF to shield him from his enemies. He sensed a presence on the station he had not felt in a long time. He disabled the bean and headed back to the ship. There in a hallway he was confronted by Lord GoZ.
"I knew I had felt your presence Whan. Now you will die. I am the master now."
"Only a master of stupid GoZ."
"The two drew their big ass laser swords and began to fight to the death. Slings, Jam and Iggy had disabled the door and were headed back to the ship. Iggy saw the fight and stopped in his tracks. Whan saw the Iggy and had an idea. He lower his sword and bowed his head.
"If you kill me, I shall become more powerful than you could imagine."
GoZ looked at Whan and swung with all his might. Whan was evaporated and Iggy began to yell and fire erratically. The remaining group sped away from the station and headed for Polaris. A pair of fighters were sent after the fleeing ship but were killed by the twin gattling guns that Jam had installed. The hurried to the secret rebel base and gave the plans to the generals. A meeting was called for all the men who would be attacking the station.
"Alright men, the station is heavily defended and has very thick armor. It is almost impervious to a frontal assault but, it has a weakness. Along a thin corridor, there is a useless pipe that has a big bullseye on it. By detonating a bomb in this pipe the station will be destroyed."
"Sir, why is there such a pipe?"
"I don't know, but isn't it cool!"
"The men manned their fighters and blasted into space. The station was before them and they moved in for the kill. Enemy fighters and gun towers made for a strong defense. The fighters were being blown apart with just a few fighters still able to carry on. Iggy and two fighters headed into the corridor and went for the pipe. Behind them were three enemy fighters, one of which was Lord GoZ himself. Iggy was in front with two fighters in the back. The first fighter was easily destroyed and only Iggy and his good friend Lever were left.
"Iggy, this is lever, I just spilled my coffee. I'm no good to you, carry on without me."
"Wait, who will watch my back?"
"Sorry man your breaking up, I can't hear you."
"Lever? Lever! Damn, ASDF. Wait that's it, I will use the power of ASDF to fire the missile. I have to concentrate."
Behind Iggy was GoZ and he sensed the power in Iggy.
"The ASDF is strong in this one."
He had Iggy lock on, but out of nowhere came Slings who landed a 7-10 fighter split and sent GoZ hurling through space.
"It's all clear kid, take the shot."
"Concentrate the ASDF, concentrate."
In this state he heard a familiar voice. It was Whan.
"Iggy. Iggy, use the computer. That's what it's there for."
"Oh, thanks Whan."
"Iggy turned on the computer and the bombs hit their target. The station was destroyed and the galaxy was safe for now.
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