"blah blah 9 blah blah"
-DesertDemon
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| The CynicalMagician's Random Grabbag of Assorted Funk and Crazy Crap!! | | | Author: | | | IP: | px3cl.gvXXXX | | Date: | 08/23/00 11:08 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 5, Max: 10, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for CynicalMagician: 8.7556 |    |
Good evening ladies and gentlemen! We're here tonight with Canada's most frequent user and/or abuser of psychic hotlines, the man who spent most of July playing a jetsetter game called, "Find Elvis's Pelvis", the love child of Chevy Chase and Harrison Ford, the Cynical Magician!
Hey hey! I'm back with another BR, and like all my others, this one is chock full of random zany humour, and off the wall excitement. Possibly some porn too! You'll just have to read through to find out, ya wanker! This BR is actually a departure from previous ones that I've done, and also from anything that's been done before. That's right, I'm a pioneer in the land of new age, paving the way for escapees from the psyche ward spelling bee so they too can scare people on the world wide web!
Seriously though, this is a BR about life. About love. About growing up. About learning. About friendship. About getting a woody while dancing with a hot girl. About the death of innocence. About that time you got caught spankin' it in front of the Cosmo mag. About choices. About religion. But most of all about PISSIN' OFF THE DIALUPS!!! SUCK ON JAVA BIATCH! EAT ROLLOVER!! YOU ARE MY BITCH!! MY BITCH!!!@!@!1
Enjoy Sporff.
We rejoin Sporff today as he is being pulled into the hold of a Goron vessel by an insidious sucker device. The generator that could save a trillion lives or kill a quadrillion puppies and baby ducks is stowed in his cargo area, but who knows how long that will last before the Goron's find it. On with this BR's exciting episode!
The alien who had 30 seconds to live was smiling. He looked at his co-pilot and said amiably, "The captain is going to be very proud. We will be heros in our own time." The co-pilot, unaccustomed to such warmth, turned around to look at his colleague. Just in time to catch a bright bolt of plasma in the mouth. His head burst like a cantaloup being hit by a bus.
"Yeah that's right bitches. Eat my ass." Sporff stood in the doorway of the cockpit of the Goron vessel, arrogantly brandishing a brightly coloured pistol in one hand, and a knife of epic proportions in the other. "You thought you could capture me, but guess what?"
The Goron navigator slumped back into his chair, already resigned to his fate. "What?" he asked morosely.
Sporff laughed, and then belched. "That's what!" He giggled at his own joke, and then emptied the remainder of the pistol's clip into the Goron's cybernetic abdomen. Something with the colour and consistency of oil seeped out of his wounds.
Sporff pushed the corpse onto the floor, and took the helm. He quickly scanned the dash and after some intense searching he found what he was after. A small plaque read, "Sucker Device", and underneath were two buttons, one red, and one green. The green one was labeled on, the red one off. The green one was lit up. Sporff taxed his mind and decided to press the red one. A dull 'ka-chung' came from somewhere in the back of the ship, and Sporff glanced out the window just in time to see his spacecraft go gently floating underneath the left wing and drift silently into the void.
"Damnit!! My ship! I forgot to get into it before I turned off the sucker device!! Good god! I thought they tied it down at least!! Son of a bitch!!" More profanity bounced down the hall shortly followed by a Goron head. Our hero was not impressed.
"Why why why why WHY?!" Sporff laid his head down on the dash of the Goron spacecraft and began to cry. He remained in his slouched position for a few minutes, until a claxon rang. Sporff looked up, and saw that the 'Collision Imminent, What the Hell are you Doing' alarm was flashing. He turned his head out the window, and saw a sleek red vessel just meters away from his newly acquired ship. Smiling out the window was the Princess Majong. She looked back at him and raised her hand. She waved. Sporff quickly hailed her on the radio.
"Nice to see you. I had an... er... run in with the Goron's. Can you help me get my ship?"
"I'd love to, I really would, but I think I'd rather take the generator myself and blow up your ship for fun."
Sporff looked startled, and then swore. "What the hell is going on??"
Majong looked back at him across the 10 meters that seperated the two ships' cockpits. "I'm screwing you over, my boy. I'm going to sell this genny myself, and pretend that you stole it." She sighed with mock dramatics. "Alas, I have been taken advantage of once more by the infamous Spaceman Sporff! It's true Mr. Imperial Soldier, he stole the generator for himself! Poor me!" With that, she wheeled her ship around, and with a quick blast of torrential energy, fried the engines on the Goron vessel.
Sporff's mind reeled. Was he being backstabbed? No one backstabbed him. "I'll kill you for this you know. I swear on my mother's pants I will."
"I do hope everything works out for you dearie." She hit the thrusters on her phallus shaped spacecraft, and flew away. Sporff swore once more. He had been duped. No one duped him and got away with it, especially those that touched his ship.
He looked out over the wingtips and saw that the engines on the Goron ship were wrecked and smoldering slightly. He blinked, not thinking it was possible for something to smolder in space. He mused on this for several minutes, until on the radar he spotted another large blotch moving quickly toward him. He indentified it as Bligornian cruiser bearing down on him. Things were not looking up.
How will the daring Spaceman Sporff escape the Bligornians when all he has is an impotent Goron ship? Will he catch the now-evil Majong and get his hands on the generator? Does anyone really read this? Find out next time!
Hmm. I'll take your word for it Sporff. Anyway, this BR is just a bunch of random stuff that I've thrown together (hence the name). It's all based on this neato little navigation... umm... star? Anyway, just move the mouse until it goes over the section you'd like to read, watch the pretty colours light up, and then depress the left mouse button once (Editor's Note: Depress as in push, not as in telling it that it's father is Norm off Cheers, dumbass.). A new window will pop up (among other things), containing the page you clicked on. Read it. Click the X to close the window. Repeat.
By the way, I need to thank several people for help with this BR. 1) [FLS]Prozerran for javascript help. 2) JV for making the BR.com page, which is where I jacked the script from. Ha ha. 3) Slings, Collsy, Yoda, and everyone else I mock for being such sports about me making fun of them the whole way through this BR. Thanks in advance. 3) Fractal_Wave and Sonneillon for emotional support. 4) Richard Simmons for everything else.
Anyway, enjoy. Oh, by the way, there isn't really any order to this whole thing except that you should read the FAQ last. Have fun, and I'll see you on the other side.
Monkeys are funny.
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