I fired up my BroodWar CD. I wanted to lay some smack. Or have some laid down upon me. It didn't matter. I hungered for blood and this was going to sate it.

I started surfing ~nohunters and pubbies, asking for some carnage. Sadly, all ~nohunters was concerned about at the moment was who had the best D2 equipment, and all of the pubbies were full of the "7v1 Comp BGH no rush" bullshit that we all know and utterly despise. Today I was not going to fall into the BGH pit of despair. I knew better. BGH wins are hollow wins, and BGH losses are ... downright depressing.

In a fit of desperation, I noticed a game named "1v1 Best Map Ever." I joined quickly and found I was the first one in. The game host was a man/woman/whatever named :spitfire:. I didn't bother checking his stats, stats mean nothing these days (unless they're 51-3-49). I was in too much of a lust for some SC Carnage. So much in a lust that I never noticed that the map name was "$$$$THE BEST MAP EVER$$$$" (well I did, but didn't notice the 8 $s in the name).

After downloading, the game began. Only then did I realize my folly.

Imagine, if you wish, BGH. Put approximately 60 mineral patches and 6 geysers in place of whatever scant amount of resources in standard BGH. Then imagine me trying to choke down the chocolate pop tarts that all of a sudden needed to vacate my stomach.

Ah well, might as well make the best of it ... so now it is time for the battle report on

:spitfire: chose Terran at lower-right
DivvyO randomed to Protoss at mid-left

I started a normal hella-resources build, which consisted of pumping probes until I have recieved about 14, then I started forming my army while constantly making that little nexus blink. After a while, I had 2 gates, a zealot, and a heck of a lot of probes. my brave little Nerman, thirsty for some Terran blood, decided to defect and make a run for :spitfire:'s encampment.

Upon reaching the enemy base, Nerman did not like what he saw. Looked like someone was starting a wall-in, consisting of a whole two bunkers (with a third on the way). Using moves he saw from intercepted Terran football game transmissions, the little guy jinked his way around the wallin, escaping with 15 Health. Injured, but still thirsty for blood, he found the way to :spitfire:s peon line, and started tearing shiznit up. One SCV fell, then another, and another. Nerman's hunger sated, my brave little defecting zealot began tearing away at the command center. :spitfire: was no slouch, however, and pulled the marines from his wall in and finished my man off. Rest in peace, little Nerman. You will be missed.

The scouting information Nerman provided will be used and used well. It seemed that :spitfire: was doing a time-honored BGH build, consisting of:

- Build 8 and only 8 SCVs.
- Use 4 of them to build a wall-in so space-laden that an Archon can pass through.
- Tech to Battlecruisers.
- Build as many BCs as you can out of 4 Starports using only 8 SCVs to mine.

Will he break the stereotype of the BGH lamers I've seen in the past? Only time will tell ... but in the meantime, I decided to expand, ot the natural that was ONE SCREEN BELOW ME. That's right kids, a BGH map with a natural. You can cream in your pants .......... now.

With the expznsion starting, I decided to distract my able-minded opponent by sending a force of 4 zealots right at his choke. I knew there was a wall-in starting, but it didn't matter. my zealots were ubergosu and nothing was going to stop them ...

I also decided to tech myself up a bit, just to see what I can build. I haven't played Starcraft in awhile, and forgot about half of the units. I was still sketchy as to what, exactly, a "Scout" was supposed to do in Brood War. Even still, I managed to get up an Observatory, Fleet Beacon, and Arbiter Tribunal. I was going to do the time-honored strategy of:

- Build to 200 Support.
- Make small talk while doing random gay strategies.
- Crush opponent like a McMahon in a wrestling match.

My 2(?) bases were now in full swing, and I started pumping an arbiter-corsair fleet that will d-web and stasis anything in its way. Then I noticed a problem. I have failed to scout my opponent. He could have built 90 Goliaths and I would not have known the wiser. He knew my build (he comsated me many times). I was nervous, so I sent a lone observer his way. IF he had turrets up around the outside of his base, I would have been seriously fux0red.

Suprisingly enough, though ... he didn't. He did, however, have his 4 starports up and running, and a Science Facility building. Since he had 2 factories and an armory, I was still expecting the Goliaths to come at any second and ram oh so many Charon missiles up my nose. Despite being nervous, I pushed through. The time for random gay strategies has come upon us.

I spun the Wheel of Gay(TM) and it landed on "Mind Control Madness". I spanked a couple of my own probes so I could build a shuttle and two Dark Templar, all while researching Mind Control. Don't ask me where I got the rescources for building it all at the same time.

Eventually, I had Mind Control, a fully charged Dark Archon, and a speed upgraded shuttle. I didn't want to kill any more probes for psi (they look too cute), so I sent the lone shuttle with the lone dark archon out to :spitfire:'s base, where the observer still sat.

Coming across an SCV, the Dark Archon began working his mojo ...

DA: Hey, kid, what's your name?
SCV: I'm Timmy, and my General said not to talk to strangers.
DA: Are you sure? I have a deal I want to make with you. Come with me and I'll show you.
SCV: I don't know, you're awfully red and pulsating.
DA: Oh come on, I got candy.
SCV: I'm diabetic.
DA: How about money? I've got lots of money.
SCV: I do too. You see all these $%#@!$!ing resources?!?!
DA: Aw, fuck it.
bzzzzt
SCV: Im ... ho .. tep ... Im ... ho .. tep ...

The SCV made his way into the shuttle, never to be seen again by :spitfire:. I think he noticed his base was open for dropping when he saw the halfway-built Supply Depot the SCV left behind. :spitfire: responded by building a ring of turrets around his base, to provide detection against observers, shuttles, and other Protoss non-attacking air units (Mind Controlled Kakarus?).

NOTE: First post that has the words "balky charocoal" gets a cookie. Any posts before that are dirty smelly nailbiting sluts that have no left testicle/breast/whatever and use "first post" attempts to justify their loss. I read it in a psyche book somewhere.

With my new SCV, I decided to *gasp* expand again, this time to the lower left. Once command center went up, then another. Eventually, I had reached my final goal: mass FIREBATS. No ... no, wait, that wasn't it. I was boring and went for BCs.

The plan was to d-web then yamato, and anything left behind to fend against me would be stasised. However, This did not come about, because :spitfire: ...

No he didn't disconnect. He was starting to lag like a three dollar whore, however, so it was time to drop the hammer once and for all. I needed to see if he had that hidden goliath fleet somewhere around the four battlecruisers that he kept in his base. my observer started poking around, but flew a little too close to a turret, and the Battlecruisers, noticing nothing better to do, smoked it in one volley.

My third loss of the game caused me to feel some real pain, so I sent the whole tamale in (3 carriers, 6 observers, 12 corsairs, 11 arbiters, 8 battlecruisers, and an empty shuttle for good karma), against :spitfire:'s 4 battlecruisers and ring of turrets.

I stasised, I micro-ed, I gaywebbed, I did it all. Nothing was going to stand in the way of me and beating this abusive little bitch down. my observer was going to be avenged, and :spitfire: was going to be a smoldering crater with little bright parts I can roast hot dogs over. This was for Nerman, the observer, and the four nameless zealots that were stupid enough to follow orders and run into a wall-in head on.

I would not have my revenge, however. Before I sent my grand fleet in, :spitfire: left like the limey assraping coward he is. Hacker. He never even sent his battlecruisers to fight. I think they were all stoned. It still counted as a victory, but my thirst, it is not sated. I will bring forth the power and glory of the Best Map Ever to the world, even if I have to force it down everyone's throat.

NOTE: It's a weak ending, but who really cares? I don't. I've never gotten anything over a 6.5 In my life. What are you expecting, the second coming of GRB? HAH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ok, I'm done.