"Skill is imbalanced"
-Whoop
|
| WWC-8 | | | Author: | | | IP: | huru27.wXXXX | | Date: | 02/27/00 06:02 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 2, Max: 9, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for WilliamWC3: 9.0882 |  |
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Well
I was going to do a report about my dog chasing a
spider monky around my back yard as described by a
Marxist, represented by Beethoven's fifth synohpy,
represented by an asteroid colliding with Jupiter
as seen through the eyes of a large toad, shown by
a man trying to find his car keys as portrayed by
the American Civil War as renacted by a bus
running over the afore mentioned toad as told by
Kevin Spacey with liberty and justice for all.
However I couldn't make the title jpeg so I
scratched the idea.
StoryWell there I was in the
game. The game. The battle between number
one, grand champion starcraft player of the world,
Silver`Thunder and some punk kid who said he was
number 2. The grand championship of the world,
every reporters dream. Then I got banned for
spamming "KEKEKEKKEKEKEKEKE ME MONKEY BOY ;$#* YOU
OUT *** NO WAY OUT FOR YOU MONKEY BOY!! KA KA KA
SAL SAL HUK HUK YOU CHOBO *&() YOU RACE?? NO!
YOU ZERG YOU P ME T YOU Z ME Z NO RUSH MANNER!!!"
Son of a bitch. Such is life, eh..
Well if
I couldn't report on the number one game of the
world what could I do? What could possibly be a
story deserving of my reporting talents? Could
anything besides the imminent demise of Battle.net
and the starcraft community be such a story?
No.
Ok,
last title jpeg I swear...
Hello
and welcome to Behind Enemy Lines the show where
we exploit tragedy and controversy for our own
advantages. Earlier this week we took a look at
Mark4: The Man,. the Myth, the guy with all the
heads up his ass, and Campaign 2000: Dirty
Politicians and Duck Molesters. Today though we
examine a far more.. uh, far reaching problem.
Mucho money maps. We've all heard of this problem,
but how serious is it, and what does it mean for
God-fearing Temple players? Well lets look at some
statistics.
- The average "mucho money" map has about 25
million minerals.
- In an average day 156, 000 games are created
on "mucho money" maps.
- There are currently only 250 spider monkeys
alive in the Brazilian rain forest.
- Of these appoximately 50% are female.
- More than 99% of "mucho money" players are
not currently known members of the communist
party.
HistoryBefore we can fully
understand this problem however we must study its
history. Big Game Hunters commonly reffered to as
Big Gay Hunters, Big Gay-Ass Hunters and Big
Gay-Ass-Stupid-Idiot-Mucho-Money-Version-One-Million-Lame-Ass
Hunters, was created by an unnamed Blizzard
Employee (we will refer to him as Satan) on
November 31st, 1947 in one of the inner labs of
the Pentagon. The map was kept top secret for
nearly fifty years until its unfortunate
accidental release as a map of week. This is not
as uncommon as people believe; the entire Defence
Department nuclear contingency plan was once
accidentally submitted to a pop music forum. At
any rate, the map's popularity spread at a very
fast rate as predicted in the National Security
Council Document 749: Big Game Hunters Contingency
Planing. Attempts at containment were made but
like the air borne plague which wiped out two
thirds of the world's population in 1977, BGH
spread too quickly and even more distressingly
mutated rapidly as well. Soon there were over
17,000 variations of the map.
But why the
concern today? What does this have to do with the
imminent destruction of battle.net and the
peace-loving starcraft community. And what if
anything can save the spider monkeys and get the
tomato stain off my white shirt? Perhaps this
recruiting poster found by an ISNBGHPA
(Internation Sececurity for non-BGH Players
Agency) agent will shed some light on one or more
of these questions.
Do you like playing on Mucho-Money
Maps?
Are you interested in seeing the
imminent demise of battle.net and the peace-loving
starcraft community.
Do you trade sexual
favors for power or money?
If you
answered yes to one or more of these questions
except the last one which was added to attract
your attention you may be interested in joining
the International Mucho Money Map Party,
IMMMP.
I think I'll let you
draw your own conclusions from this. Also of
interest is this trancript of an IMMMP
meeting:
The floor acknowledges the honorable
representative from the Girl Guild.
The
Girl Guild wishes to express it concern that
Newest White Hunter +++ Mucho v12.71 by Hero99
Guild and Green Hunters v54892 by the same clan
are actually exact replicas of New Ice Hunters v
932,276 and Hunters +++ Mucho Money
&^*&*^@# version 7 both by the respected
Girl Guild.
The floor acknowledges the
honorable representative from Hero99 Guild to
answer these charges.
I would like to begin
by saying how offended I am that the respected
Girl Guild would make such charges. A close
examination will cleary show drastically different
critter placement on these maps with even a
different number of critters in the second case.
The Hero99 Guild would also like to take this time
to express its concern for the growing number of
non 8 player mucho money maps which have ramps and
multiple levels of play in clear violation of the
Mucho Money Convention of 1998...
Lets
destroy Battle.net. MUAHAHAHAHA.
It
was later noted that the last sentence was added
later in pencil. Recent discoveries have
furthermore shown that the IMMMP does keep
transcripts of its meetings as it does not
actually exist. This aside we can see a clear
pattern of violence in the tendencies of these
"mucho money players." Still not satisfied?
Neither was I, so I logged onto battle.net under
my new under cover disguise nick name,
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]. I began at the ultimate
source of information on Bnet, Blizzard Tech
Support. Here is the dialogue of a conversation I
had with one of the officials there.
War~Hawk:
ya
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: Is this Blizzard
Tech Support?
War~Hawk:
ya
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: Would you mind if I
asked you a couple of questions?
War~Hawk:
no
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: What is your
feeling on the mucho money
"problem."
War~Hawk then prompty
left the channel. Here is the trancript of a more
informative though less factual
conversation.
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: Do you know Bob
Amar Hawasli?
StrawberryZ:
no.
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: He is the head
CS101 TA.
StrawberryZ:
oh
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: How do I report
someone using the map hack?
StrawberryZ: I
don't know.
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: What
should I do when I am terran and a protoss has
dark templars and I have no detection and the
protoss has more money than I do and twelve
carriers and all I have is one goliath and a
couple of those guys that go "What do you
want?"
StrawberryZ: How should I
know.
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: Isn't this
blizzard tech support?
StrawberryZ:
no.
Son of a bitch. I had
accidentally stopped chatting on battle.net and
started talking to Peter's girlfriend on AOL
instant messenger again. Well striking out in Tech
Support I decided to head over to the second best
souce of information on Bnet, channel nohunters.
The names have been changed to protect the stupid.
The words have been changed because I was too lazy
to screen shot everything.
NHer#1:
gg
NHer#5: 2v2
anyone?
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: What do you
guys think about the growing number of people
playing on Mucho Money Maps?
NHer#2: that
sucked
*NHer#5 and NHer#6 looking for a
2v2*
NHer#1: yeah zealots
suck.
NHer#3: yeah never build
zealots
NHer#7: @@@@@@GET PAID TO SURF THE
WEB AND SPAM CHANNELS@@@@@@
NHer#8: !ban
NHer#7
NHBOT#1: NHer#8 banned
NHer#7
NHer#4: HA you built
zealots.
NHBOT#2: NHer#8 banned
NHer#7
NHBOT#3: NHer#8 banned
NHer#7
NHer#3: except if they are 2 / 3 /
1
NHer#9: Mark4!!!
NHer#3: then they
beat everything
*NHer#9 sticks head up
Mark4's ass*
NHer#1: except
archons
*NHer#5 and NHer#6 looking for a
2v2*
NHer#4: archons suck
NHBOT#4:
NHer#8 banned NHer#7
NHer#8: !ban
NHer#9
NHer#3: archons rule, you
suck
NHer#8: !ban NHer#5
NHer#6: Why
did you ban NHer#5
NHer#8: !ban
NHer#6
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: Is anyone
concerned with the state of battle.net with
regards to hunters maps?
NHer#8: !ban
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]:
Well so much
for nohunters. If I am going to find any real
information it looks like I am going to have to go
deep into the heart of enemy teritory. I take my
investigation to channel Hunters. Here is a brief
excerpt of the transcript from that
channel.
[Hunters]+@#$Zealot:
— Ë◊›-Ñˇú— Ë◊›óÑˇªúæ∂∞։ʻ
[Hunters]+:::Goon++:
— Ë◊›óÑˇúæ∂¨®§°¢ôõ
∞։ʻ√‹›öö
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: Does the
Hunters clan have any plans for the imminent
destruction of
battle.net?
[Hunters]+@#$Zealot:
Ãà©≈凜¿≤“øº˚¥¥ÙŒÆ¥ûüòÅÑ∆Ò
[Hunters]+:::Goon++:
-Ñˇúæ∂¨®§°¢ôõ
[Hunters]+@#$Zealot:
凜¿≤“øº˚¥¥ÙŒ-Æ¥ûüòÅ-Ñˇúæ∂¨®§°¢ôõæ∂¨®§°¢ôõ
∞։ʻ√‹›öö∂¨®§°¢ôõ— Ë◊›-Ñˇªúæ∂∞
-Ñˇªúæ∂∞։ʻæ∂¨®§°¢ôõæ∂¨®§°¢ôõ ∞։ʻ√‹›ö
ö∂¨®§°¢ôõ— Ë— Ë◊›-Ñˇú— Ë◊›-Ñˇú
$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]:
I'll repeat the question. Does the Hunters clan
have any plans for the imminent destruction of
battle.net?
[Hunters]+:::Goon++:
ˇ®§°¢ô®§°¢ôúæ-Ñ∂¨õ
[Hunters]+:::Goon++:
-Ñˇúæ∂¨®æ∂¨®æ∂¨®æ∂¨®æ∂¨®§°¢ôõ
Well
there you have it. Still how can we judge these
mucho money lovers until we have seen them play.
Plus I think Mark4 will ban me if I don't find a
way to relate this to a game pretty soon. So with
out further ado, adah or even ado-dah, I present
you with the report within the report, 4:4
˚¥¥ÙŒ-Æ¥ûüòÅ-Ñˇúôõæ∂¨®§°¢ôõ.
6:26
AM. Restate my assumptions. One. There are numbers
everwhere in nature. Two. BGH players suck!! Press
return. I join the first game on the list, 4:4
˚¥¥ÙŒ-Æ¥ûüòÅ-Ñˇúôõæ∂¨®§°¢ôõ and find it fills
up quickly. The map is some version of New Ice
Hunters which I don't think I have anymore but is
pretty much like all the other versions of New Ice
Hunters (differences in the numbers and location
of critters aside). I will leave all the players
anonymous until the end to make it more exciting
(yeah whatever).
Move the mouse over things but for God's sake
don't click anything.
So
anyway, everyone picks a race with four protoss on
and three zergs and a 'toss on  . And
the game is underway. Things start out slow as is
typical in these games with about half the players
opting to build "base defense" before any sort of
offensive unit. Green made the first
move by sending a couple of zealots across the map
to Orange. Orange was following
a standard mucho money 3-gate build which involves
building a forge and six cannons before any
zealots. Unfortunately the cannons weren't
finished yet and the zealot was able to do
appreciable damage until some finally started
popping out. Green who was going
straight for dragoons soon had about a half dozen
of the spider-legged creatures and sent them over
to continue harassing Orange. However, by
 now Orange had about six
cannons immediately behind his gateways and a
couple of zealots out. Although Green's dragoons were
able to easily handle the zealots, they did not
yet have the range upgrade and the gateway cannon
configuration proved problematic for
them.
Strategy: Cannons
Note, it is a
popular misconception that cannons are some how
"bad." I have been playing on mucho money maps for
quite some time now and I find that this is
blatantly false. Cannons are your friend. Yes, it
is true that you can have "too much of a good
thing" but generally speaking the more the
merrier. I like to use between 12-16 at my choke
and then surround the edges of my base to defend
against drops.
 Green continues to
send dragoons at Orange and now Purple also
contributes to the mayhem at Orange's base by
sending hydralisks in that direction. The final
blow, however, comes from the third member of the
team, Red who has teched
straight to lurkers and dropped them behind Orange's supply line
signifying the first non-manner move of the game.
On this particular map because the supply line
wraps all the way around your nexus and then
extends in all directions, it is nearly impossible
to build static defense there without interfering
with mining. Of course that is supposing that it
would have occured to Orange to do so.
Anyway, as the three members of raze
the base, Orange escapes with a
probe and rebuilds in Yellow's northern
main.
 You might have noticed that the other
three members of had
been awfully quite during all of this. Would they
now lash out in revenge? No. All three continue to
build base defense. Meanwhile
thinking victory is close at hand decides to stay
on the offensive. There new target is Yellow, who having
finished covering his own base with cannons has
decided to push his huge cannon fleet out into the
center of the map. Red, Purple and Brown all send
hydralisks against the cannon armada (although
Brown who teched to
hive on eight drones only has about sx hydras).
The initial waves get flattened almost before
getting in firing range but gradually the cannons
begin to explode. Finally hydralisks overrun Yellow and Orange's attempt at
rebuilding. Yellow flees to the
saftey of Blue's main while
Orange flees for
the second time, this game this time to Teal.
Now
a long period of time goes by where not much
happens. Red, Purple and Brown continue to
mass produce hydralisks with Red producing by far
the most and Brown producing by
far the least. All of the hydralisks are now
directed at Blue who manages to
hold them off indefinitely with a solid templar -
cannon defense. While holding these attacks off
Blue is also slowly
massing carriers. Teal has meanwhile
built several dark templars along with some other
miscellaneous protoss tech units. Yellow has contented
himself to building cannons at the choke of Blue's base to help
hold off the hydralisk attacks there. Orange attempts to
regain his old main but loses three gateways and
six pylons to one of Green's dark
templars. Green meanwhile takes
the west base for himself using it to begin
developing the zerg he mind controlled from Brown. Green also builds
large quantities of 3/3 dragoons and gets some
other forms of tech.
Strategy: High
Templars
High templars are one of the most
powerful units in starcraft. Good players can use
them to hold off any attack. Unfortunately since
they invovle pressing a button before clicking on
the map they are generally speaking too difficult
to use and impractical. Why use templars when you
can get the same effect by adding fifteen more
cannons?
After a couple hours in which the situation
described in the preceding paragraphs does not
change, Blue finally has
about 14 carriers and an arbiter. He sends this
fleet westward to the nearby Purple main. Purple who has been
continually sending everything he had at Blue's choke is
completely overwhelmed and dies quickly. And then
there were seven. While Red and Brown continue to
send hydralisks at Blue, Teal decides to get
involved in the game with a combined cannon creep
/ dark templar drop against Green's main. Green loses a nexus
and some probes before a combination of reavers
and observers can finally put an end to the
advance.
Strategy: Dark Templars
Dark
Templars are one of the strongest units in the
game this is because other units cannot see them.
This is why I always go protoss cause then I build
dark templars and no one can see them. Sometimes
people can see them but that is because they
hack.
Now
that Blue is only being
bombarded by two players, he feels confident
enough to send his fleet deep into enemy teritory
to attack the north-east Brown base. Red tries to send
some help but the hydralisks cannot get within
range of the carriers before they are flattened by
the hundreds of interceptors, so he changes
strategies and sends his hydras at Teal's main. Green now has the
supply limit in dragoons and half the supply limit
in hydralisks and yet curioulsy does not lift a
finger in this battle. Brown builds a couple
of scourages but is powerless to stop the huge
protoss fleet. He tries to "pull an orange" and
escape to Red's base; however,
Blue follows the
drone and sacrificing the entire fleet to Red's new devourer
scourge amry, manages to destroy the morphing
hatchery just as the last carrier pops. And then
there were six. Meanwhile in the south-east Red's hydralisks rip
through Teal's main, but he
manages to escape with a probe to the south-west
which is already being occupied by expansions of
the other three members of . Also
during the madness, Blue managed to mind
conrtol zerg from Green's western base.
A temporary cease fire is called to take stock of
things.
Strategy: Carriers
Carriers are
the most advanced strategy in starcraft. They take
a lot of things to build. I forget what now but I
built one once. It was cool. Once someone gets
carriers it is basically over because nothing can
beat carriers except maby nukes. I'm not sure.
Terrans are dumb anyway. Never play terran. If I
get terran I leave the game because they suck
because I once lost like fifty marines to one
zealot. It sucked. Terrans suck.
The
player advantage was now 4 to 2 in favor of ,
however all four players were crammed into two
bases whereas the two surviving members of
controlled three bases and had easy access to the
other three. Peace talks commenced. Yellow made it clear
that he wanted to ally. Teal who only had one
pylon and a few cannons left was also interested
in diplomacy, and Red who's teammate
hadn't moved in quite some time seemed amicable to
the idea. Blue, however who was
getting more than a little tired of Yellow's cannon
madness which was blocking his troops from exiting
his own base didn't want to hear it and promptly
dis-allied with the cannon machine. It took Yellow a while to
figure out what was going on but when he did
madness ensued. Cannons fighting cannons; the
protoss encampment erupted in photon balls being
tossed throughout it. Blue, anticipating
the coming battle and having the advantage of
disallying first was the clear winner. At the same
time, Red who couldn't see
any of this, growing tired of waiting on for an
answer and assuming the situation hopless left the
game. And then there were four. Teal was absolutely
furious at this turn of events but having only one
pylon and a couple of cannons at the perimiter of
the South-West he was quickly silenced by a couple
of control groups of hydralisks from the til then
dormant Green.
Now
Orange, sensing that
the south-west is not the safest place in the
world and noticing a high propensity for all the
troops he built there to be immediatly mind
controlled by Blue, took a probe
and a drone which he mind controlled from Blue to the
long-abandoned northern main. Blue and Green both who had
the supply limit in both protoss and zerg troops
eyed each other suppiciously as the third player
gradually rebuilt in the north. When Orange had about
twelve reavers he sent them at Green's western main
but were unfortunately intercepted by a single
scout. Orange then built up
about twenty-four guardians and twenty-four
devourers and sent these at Green's eastern main.
Unfortunately these troops met up with about five
or six templars which obliterated them in repeated
storms. Things continued like this for several
hours with Orange getting
increasingly confused at why Blue wasn't doing
anything with his large army, asking "me out?" and
"18?"
Finally
sick of the charade Green and Blue charge the
confused korean with everything and he is quickly
subdued. And then there were two. Of course the
game promptly ended at this time because the two
remaining players had been allied with shared
vision the entire time. They were none other than
myself( Green) and
Silver`Thunder( Blue), grand master
champion of the world who had just finished
kicking that #2 punk's ass with a mass medic /
optical flare strategy I taught him. As for Orange, he will
forever be remembered as the orange guy. Wherever
you are orange guy, I salute you.
So
I think if we learned nothing else from this
battle report we learned one thing for sure.
Destruction of Battle.net is IMMINENT!
Lesson's Learned
- Destruction of Battle.net is IMMINENT!
- Mucho Money Map's are a threat to our way of
life
- Spider monkeys are in danger... SAVE THEM!
Game Statistics
- # of hours: 51
- # of drones produced by brown: 12
- # of times the game told me I couldn't build
something because there were too many units /
buildings already on the board: 3,541
- # of confused koreans: 6
Special ThanksSpecial thanks go
out to the ISNBGHPA for providing the propaga.. er
materials and to the North Atlantic Treaty
Organization.
DisclaimerI made it all up,
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sory, I don't know where that came
from. Seriously I stole from, plaigerized
misrepresented, abused and slandered everyone I
know in this report. Try and sue me I dare
you!
Disclaimer to the DisclaimerI'm
on medication. Please don't hurt me.
Author's NoteI know, the format
is nothing like anything I've done before. Just
trying something new let me know if you hate it.
Oh yeah and if you don't comment then I'm never
talking to you again so
there!
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