"YRM OWNS MY BONES!!!!!"
-Fractal_Wave
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| A TaKtIkS Bashing Battle or Why Protoss = I Ban | | | Author: | | | IP: | XXXX | | Date: | 12/06/99 04:12 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | Image Heavy(1), Famous Reporter(1), Starcraft(1), Gorgeous(1), Long(1), Funny(1) | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 5, Max: 10, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for WilliamWC3: 9.0882 |   |
Warning:
This battle report contains a large number of pictures.
This is inteneded to allow people with a cable modem or
t1 connection to stare at the pretty eye candy rather
than going through the mentally strenuous task of
reading. Therefore members of the inferior subspecies
know as utilus modemus will have to sit on their
asses and wait. Thankyou for your patience and have a
nice day.
 |
 Well
this pleasant little battle report starts in
channel nohunters where many fine battle reports
are born. I was sitting at my computer, staring
blankly at the screen as I often do when I
noticed something interesting. Apparently
several of the channel idiots (presumably
inspired by the recent formation of the
duckyissucky clan and the long standing
tradition of bob_the_fruits and jim_the_trucks)
had gotten together and registered several
loggins mocking aP_TaKtIkS. What he did to
deserve this mocking I'm not sure but I assume
it has something to do with capitalizing Math.random()
letters of his name just to piss off br writers.
So
now I notice that someone has gone as far
getting the loggin IHATE_Taktiks. Wow, what a
goofball. It wasn't until a few minutes later
that I realised this goofball was actually my
roomate who was sitting quietly at his computer
not 6 feet away while I was rambling on about
how rediculous the channel had gotten. Well,
those of you who know the channel know that
there are more than enough channel idiots to go
around, and soon a second group of idiots was
apparently quite confused with the new loggins
of the first, while the first quickly became
confused with the confusion of the second. Now
I'm confused.
Anyway
this lead to several meaningless arguments and
somehow out of all this a challenge emerged.
gayP_Taktiks who as it turns out is actually
Iced-Tree challenged IHATE_Taktiks, my roommate,
JPaikman, Obiwanjebroni, Jose the Mexican
exchange student and bullshitter extraordinaire
to a fight to the death. Well actually just a
starcraft game.
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 So I go to
channel Ruby to check out the scene. Once there I find
our two contestants. Lets take a moment to meet them.
JPaikman is quite possibly best known for losing to
Zileas in one of my earlier reports. He is a solid
player who usually randoms and is also the roomate of
the famous report writer WilliamWC3. 
What? Iced-Tree has lost several reported free for alls,
usually plays 'toss and is very proud of the fact that
he beat Zileas twice.
In the
channel I also see LionLord who will be observing this
game with me. LionLord appeared in one of my earlier
reports as the evil Bill Gates and played in a 2v2 with
me earlier that day against bob_the_newt and BB-chargon
in which we got schooled badly. He asked if it would be
ok if he commented to me during the game, and I said
sure but that I might not respond if I was busy taking
screen shots. I would soon find out that he could carry
on quite a monologue with or without my
input.
Since I don't
use colored names because I think its ugly let me help
you remember who all the players are. Iced-Tree is the
evil protoss player who will play like a bitch and
generally be evil. JPaikman is the non-protoss hero of
the game who will fight for the glory of non-toss
players everywhere. He will also bullshit his ass off as
he is quite prone to doing. LionLord is the other
observer. He will keep a continuous stream of comments
flowing that will get in the way of my pretty pictures.
WilliamWC3 (smurfing as sol999 smurfing as Fear`Factory)
will appear to be more clever than everyone else because
he is writing this report.
I create (so
I wouldn't have to beg anyone not to ban me) on ISL_The
Lost Temple because I think dark temple looks ugly in
reports. I think ISL stands for international sparring
league or something like that. As the game begins fate
lands JPaikman as a zerg cerebrate at 9:00 and the
protoss executor Iced-Tree finds himself at the nearby
6:00 base.
Two pages into the report, the game
begins.
The protoss
executor though I don't realize it at first, because I
am an idiot, chooses an early expand build order. He
builds one gateway, then a pylon and then a second
pylon. Meanwhile JPaikman's overlord quickly finds the
protoss base and the cerebrate decides to brew up some
trouble for the arrogant 'toss. After the drone count
reaches 6, drone production ceases. Soon one of the
drones is pulled off to sacrafice his body for the
overmind (yes the overmind is not dead; its being held
by the CIA in New Mexico). The 6-pool has
begun.
A few
minutes later zerglings are hatched and they tear off in
the direction of the protoss. A probe sent to scout the
zerg base notes the 6 little monsters and transmits a
distress signal back to 'toss encampment. As the
zerglings come up the ramp they are greeted by one
zealot and a good portion of the supply line. The
zerglings quickly turn tail and run. The probes give
chase all the way to the ramp before they return to
mine. However they don't even make it back before the
zerglings have returned. The probes turn around and the
zerglings do likewise saying "This time we really mean
it, we're going back to the hatchery now."
But as
soon as the probes begin mining the zerglings are back
and pounding at the gateway. The probes are pulled off
the minerals once more. This time though one probe gets
there a little too early and is sliced up. Ahh finaly,
bloodshed. Or atleast silicon-shed. A third zealot pops
out and two of the zealots chase the zerglings out of
the base. All six of the zerglings make it back to the
base alive but no doubt wondering if their mission was
successful. Well maybe the zerglings aren't wondering
but I'm sure JPaikman is.
Now I
take the time to check out each players situation.
Iced-Tree, fearing a sustained 'ling rush has delayed
his early expansion a bit and built a second gateway. He
has no form of tech and keeps making zealots. When the
executor has 5 zealots, they move out to the natural
along with 4 probes which are sent not to mine but to
help guard against more 'lings while the expansion is
brought online. Our valiant zerg cerebrate has in the
mean time made a quick recovery from his 6-pool. A
second hatchery is being built at the base and gas is
already being retrieved. Soon I see an upgrading base
and a hatchery being constructed at the natural as
well.
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As I
watch the zerg base I see that the lair upgrade
has finished but no hydralisk den is in sight.
Now if my fellow observer was playing this would
most likely imply a queen rush, but
unfortunately for those of you that enjoy the
non-sensical my roomate was going for the more
standard mutalisk rush. I check Iced-Tree's base
and see no cybernetics and only two cannons
constucted at the choke to the natural clearly
with zerglings and not mutalisks in
mind.
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Spires are
not however known for their exceptionally short build
time, and as the spire finishes a cybernetics core is
also near completion and a cannon at the nexus is begun.
Just as three mutalisks are hatching at JPaikman's main
five zealots 
stroll into his undefended natural. After the zealots
finish the hatchery they pull back to base. Meanwhile
the 3 mutalisks discover the one cannon just before it
finishes warping in and are able to destroy it with only
one loss. Another mutalisk comes in to reinforce
followed shortly by two more. The probes immediately
evacuate to the expansion and the mutalisks go to town
on the nexus.
A couple
of dragoons pop out of the gateways and begin a sort of
odd dance with the mutalisk to the intense enjoyment of
LionLord. This dance does more to distract the mutalisks
than anything else but the nexus' hit points are getting
dangerously low. Iced-Tree now decides to send his five
zealots from the earlier attack along with three new
ones into JPaikman's main. After deterring another
expansion attempt they move up the ramp and into the
base. Here they encounter a few zerglings, one sunken
and one mutalisk. The zealots take losses but it is
clear that they will be able to do a lot of damage
before they are eliminated, so JPaikman pulls his
mutalisks back to deal with the threat.
This
gives Iced enough time to get five goons and when the
mutalisks come back they find themselves unable to do
any further damage. The probes are immediately
transferred back in the famous reverse Maynard transfer.
Iced has also now constucted a citadel and an archives
at his natural. He claims he did this to be sneaky but I
just assumed it was because he didn't have control over
his main at the time. JPaikman uses this short lull in
the action to finally secure his natural.
Now
Paikman has gathered a group of zerglings outside of
Iced's natural. He is just about to send these into the
natural when several zealots and dragoons encounter the
force as they try to leave their base. The troops are
pulled back after getting in a few hits reminding me of
the earlier dragoon dance. Realizing that most of Iced's
dragoons were at his natural Paikman holds his zerglings
back and sends his mutalisks straight for the burning
nexus at the main. They find only one cannon for defence
and are able to "take out the base" and get out before
the dragoons can get back. A nexus is immediately began
where the old one stood and Iced's probes are all
transfered once again to the natural.
Iced has by
now put his archives to good use and has several high
templars stationed at his expansion for defence. These
templars will come in very handy as the mutalisks who
killed the nexus in an effort to take advantage of their
mobility, regroup with the zerglings and charge the
expansion. Things are looking good for the cerebrate
until a psionic storm cuts the zerg's numbers
drastically. The remaining troops are easily dispatched
by the zealots dragoons and cannons defending the
expansion.
As soon
as that battle is over, Iced sends all of his troops out
of his base and gathers outside of JPaikman's natural.
Several zealots, dragoons and two templars charge into
the base. A sunken is torn down and one psionic storm is
gotten off killing several zerglings and a few mutalisks
before the protoss warriors retreat. Zerglings manage to
exact revenge on one of the slow high templars before
Paikman pulls them back to the base. Now the protoss
forces outside the base are reinforced by more of their
kind including an archon.
|
Ok,
back on high ground. Iced-Tree psionic storms
the front of a group of zerglings killing many
of them and then moves all of his troops into
the JPaikman's natural. In the mean time
JPaikman is scouting the map with some scourge
and has built a hatchery at the 12:00 main.
Iced-Tree also busy on the expanding front has
began a nexus at his mineral only
natural.
 Back
to the action, the archon with zealot, dragoon
and templar support is mowing down everything
JPaikman can throw at it. The hatchery at the
natural falls as the drones scurry back to the
main. Iced merges his two templars into another
archon and waits in JPaikmans natural. To make
matters worse a scouting zealot has found the
hatchery at 12:00 and is merrily hacking away at
it.
JPaikman
scrambles 4 zerglings at 12:00 but two dragoons
show up and the expansion falls. Paikman is now
down to zero expansions and to add insult to
injury Iced-Tree expands to the 3:00 natural
giving him 3 active mining sites. A couple of
groups of zerglings presumable excited over
their new adrenal upgrade charge the forces in
JPaikmans natural. Unfortunately two archons
await them and they are fried without doing any
damage. LionLord is excited to note that both
archons now have kills in the high
teens.
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The
protoss troops now move up the ramp and into the base to
finish JPaikman off. However a fresh group of zerglings
charge them and the goons retreat. The archons are
surrounded and burst like the big soap bubbles that they
are. More protoss troops soon arrive on the scene though
and several dragoon dances later there is no more zerg
forces left to stop the evil protoss from raping the
base. As the spawning pool is being taken out the
players discuss the strategies used in the game. With my
lightening reflexes I managed to get a screenshot of
this discussion.
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Wait
a minute Will. Thats not right. Protoss can't
win. Protoss is evil, you said so yourself.
You're reading it wrong. Stop reading it
wrong.
Calm
down now kiddies. I didn't say it was over. (if
you've been paying attention to your scroll bars
you'd know it wasn't over either) We still have
the rematch to watch. Yeah!!
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|
 After a
rather long discussion about whether or not the early
expand strategy which my roomate insists on calling "the
beat down" is beatable, and if so by what, a rematch is
agreed to. A short discussion of which map ensues.
Iced-Tree claims that he is best on temple. I plead with
our contestants not to play another temple game and
eventualy temple's alter-ego rivalry is
picked.
I create
on the map rivalry + 4 observers which I downloaded
during my last battle report. This map has weird names
for the team slots which confuses some and amuses
LionLord which I have come to realize is not difficult
to do. Fortunately since -Tool- is not in this game
there is no confusion. Unfortunately, Iced-Tree, in an
effort to show off his micro skills switches to the
observers slot right before the game starts and then
switches back just in time (presumably in an attempt to
confuse JPaikman and cause him to leave the game). Of
course what he didn't count on was that in the process
of the switch the computer set his race from protoss
back to random. The game starts and Iced-Tree finds
himself as terran. Any hope that he would play the game
as terran quickly fades as his scv's remain idle and he
begins to whine for a recreate.
The
second attempt went of without a hitch, though not
without a joke from lionlord which I was unfortunately
unable to screen capture. JPaikman our noble non-toss
hero randoms to terran in the upper-left starting
location. Iced-Tree shows up as (surprise, surprise)
protoss in the opposite bottom-right corner of the map
and is quickly upset by the sexual orientation of his
probe.
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JPaikmans
early build begins with a depot at the choke
followed by a barracks there as well to begin
the wall-in. Meanwhile Iced-Tree is following
the build he intended to in the last game before
it got interrupted by a six pool. He builds one
pylon, one gateway, a second pylon, a forge and
then a nexus at the natural (or something
similar to this). Iced's probe finds Paikmans
base before the wallin is finished but chooses
to go between the depot and rax anyway just to
mock it. The probe makes it out again with its
circuitry in tact despite  JPaikmans best efforts to stop it
while LionLord gives me some advice.
 Paikman's
scv meanwhile encounters the protoss base just
in time to see the beginning of the nexus at the
natural. The scv, oh what the hell, Deon, is not
quite as lucky as our squat little robot friend,
however and a zealot terminates his life scoring
first blood for the 'toss this game.
Now
what will our hero do in response to this greedy
protoss bastard? Will he heavy metal, or will he
deep six. Will he tank push? Only time and more
scrolling will tell. While my fellow observer
and I wait he asks me about imbalance. I tell
him that a few terran fanatics aside most people
think protoss beats terran. I now check Paikmans
 base. He has added a second
barracks and an academy and has accumulated a
fair amount of infantry including a large number
of firebats. He has also finished a factory and
an scv is busy constructing a starport. You're
not thinking what I'm
thinking...
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When
JPaikman's stargate finished a control tower is added.
Then out pops a dropship. I watch in amazement as seven
firebats and one medic board the ship. I can't beleive
it; we are actually going to see it: the seven firebat,
one medic drop. The dropship heads off in the direction
of Iced's main. Unfortunately it is seen almost
immediately by a zealot scouting his natural. JPaikman
notices the zealot but decides to push onward anyway.
The dropship unloads its contents in the south-west
corner of Iced's main but  is
quickly greeted by a couple dragoons and several
zealots. Combined with a well place cannon the 'toss
forces quickly overwhelm the firebats.
Now a word on
the 7 firebat, 1 medic drop. I first learned of this
maneuver when it was tried on me in a 2v2 game on
Temple. Even though it was completely unsuccessful I was
so impressed by it that I decided to do one my self in a
free for all. This was also completely unsuccessful. The
idea of the drop is simple. It is a sort of terran
reaver drop designed to take out a supply line fast. One
of the major problems with it yet to be worked out is
that firebats short range makes them vulernable to even
light cannon defence. I have still yet to see a
successful example of this strategy but I wait
patiently. Though the attack was a complete failure
JPaikman is awared 120 bonus points for attempting the
strategy.
Now JPaikman
realising that he is out expanded and has yet to kill
anything decides he needs to do something drastic. As
Iced is warping in yet another nexus, this time at the
6:00 expansion, all of JPaikmans troops leave his main
and begin heading southward throught the center of the
map. These troops consist of 4 tanks about 14 marines
and a vulture. Just as the infantry is crossing the
bridge into the 7:30 natural the entire protoss army is
sent eastward through the center where it successfully
manages to divide the terran force in two. The battle
that ensues is way too complicated to explain without
pictures.
Well as you
can tell by the picture, or atleast the alt text of the
picture the terran army is destroyed. Only the four
marines make it back to the base to tell the gruesome
tale. JPaikman is difficult to discourage though and he
immediately sends an scv to the 1:30 starting location
to build a command center. Unfortunately our hero's luck
has not changed and a scouting zealot finds the scv
before the center can even 
be finished. To make matters worse Iced has expanded
again, this time to the 7:30 main bringing his total
number of expansions to three.
Even
more disturbing Iced has constructed the building
pictured at left. Surely this spells certain doom for
our terran hero. He has taken his natural and set up
several tanks around it but he is being greatly out
rescourced by the evil protoss. Does JPaikman have a
plan for winning this game? Does he have a card up his
sleeve that will bring down the empire? Or is he just
wasting our time?
Several
dragoons attempt to attack the natural but the bridge
causes the dragoons to bullshit even more than dragoons
normally bullshit. The result is several pools of blue
goo. Obviously whoever put the bridges on this map liked
long games. Paikman attempts to expand again, this time
to the 12:00 expansion, but that damn zealot finds it
again. The result is a cool screen shot but little
else.
Now Iced has
several corsairs full of energy. He sends them along
with some dragoons and templars to JPaikmans natural.
The corsairs disruption web the entire base while the
templars psionic storm tanks and scv's. As most of
Iced's goons are under his own disruption web the battle
proceeds with all the fury of an ensnared reaver. One
firebat manages to find the one square inch of un-dwebed
map and starts chasing a templar around in it. When the
dwebs finally clear whats left of JPaikmans supply line
takes out the last dragoon.
The game
proceeds on with a series of similar attacks. JPaikman
expands at 12:00 but it soon falls to dweb, dragoons and
templars. Iced-Tree expands to the 9:00 expansion.
JPaikmans interesting attacks during this period consist
of a four vulture drop on the 7:30 expansion and a 12
vulture assault on the 6:00 base. Both are ended by the
arrival of a few dragoons. JPaikman still continues to
micromanage his troops admirably but the defences at his
natural and then his main fall to the cursed protoss.
The three scvs mining gas at the main are disruption
webbed and then stormed before the last terran structure
is torn down. Yes, evil wins. In the words of my
favorite Mel Brooks flic, "Now you see that evil will
always triumph over good because good is dumb."
After the
game there was talk of more playing. However, after we
discussed whether Mark4 can really own the saying "Never
say die," Iced-Tree went off to read ducky's latest
battle report and I gave in to temptation and went to
sleep. Evidently my friend Sol999 / Silver`Thunder and
my roomate did play him again and were still unable to
beat him. Iced-Tree's early expand strategy seems to be
quite effective so if you play him my advice to you is:
rush the fucki** shit out of him.
Lessons Learned1. Never play with
Iced-Tree
2. Building archons and corsairs may
win you the game but it won't get you any bonus
points.
3. You can do an entire battle report on
a dirt background but its a pain in the ass.
Game Statics(combined)# of dragoon
dances: 27
# of 7 firebat 1 medic drops:
1
# of net bonus points for LionLord:
+17.5
DisclaimerI make fun of the people in this
report purely for personal gain and the enjoyment of the
people reading it. They did nothing to deserve this
mocking and should probably kick my
ass.
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