"~LeLa~ and I_Hate_Medics aren't the same person. They live in the same town. It is called a very good ISP. "
-WilliamWC3
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| 1v1v1: I squirt out a vicroty | | | Author: | | | IP: | XXXX | | Date: | 07/18/99 11:07 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | Starcraft(1), Text Only(1) | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 7, Min: 7
Lifetime Rating for Spuzz: 8.3077 |  | Map: Holy Ground
Game Type: REGULAR StarCraft (not BW)
Players: Spuzz (yours truly) : Chose Zerg, color: Turd Brown
DarkLiegon: Chose Terran, color: Purple
Wuun: Chose Random, got Terran color: Teal
Before I start, be advised that stuff contained within brackets [ ] are pitiful attempts to make the BR more fun. They are skipable.
[The evening began with a lively game of backgammon followed by billiards while me and the boys discussed Keats over a fine Chardené. OK, OK, we were in the bathroom eating packets of mustard, are you happy? (Blatant Simpsons rip-off.) At any rate, war was waged and it started!]
I began in the 12:00 position. I assigned my drones to get their lazy asses to work and had them toil without breaks until I felt comfortable with my mineral income. A spawning pool and hatchery later, I felt confident with my economy and started up some Zerglings. Once they were hatched, I sent them on their scouting ways. The Terran scum was found at the 7:00 position (Wuun), as well as the 4:00 position (DL). Come to think of it, those places were the only other starting points, but I didn't know that at the time.
My scouts were immediately blasted to hell by bunkers and tanks. I was alarmed because I sure as hell didn't have anything to counter that, yet. I scurried to get more resources while clever, pleasantly good natured banter was traded between the players. I continued growing, adding some sunken colonies and Zerglings. Things seemed fine until I realized I forgot a Hydralisk Den. D'oh! How careless! I erected one quickly.
Things were quiet...too quiet. I fought off a small attack of marines, firebats, and tanks with minimal losses. After that, I was left alone for about ten minutes. Meanwhile my opponents cursed each other as they fought it out. It was my chance to strike, but I was too cowardly. I instead worked on my buildings and upgrades.
With four Queens to protect my base from those cursed tanks, I had one scout around. I found a potential back-door just north of the hated Wuun base. I sent 12 Zerglings down to check it out and a Defiler to watch. At this point there was no known use for Defilers, other than that they like to watch battles.
Well, the Zerglings got splattered like boogers by a seige tank that my queen conveniently forgot to mention. She also conveniently forgot to spawn a broodling on the tank. The last of the Zerglings cursed her name with their dying words.
During this little skirmish, there were minor fights. I finally got around to expanding to a point right next to my base. Queen recon told me that there would be no more expanding...there was only one expansion place per player.
Another tank atack! Dammit! 7 of them, with Wraiths and marines! My Queens (now 5 of them) went broodling crazy. I even saw a tank destroyed by 6 broodlings, something I'd never seen before. Take that, Terran scum!
Suddenly DL piped up--a series of curses and desparate begging. It seems Wuun was really layin it down. I took the opportunity to try to get through his back doow again, this time with Queen support and more Zerglings. My efforts reaped minimal rewards.
By now DL was out, spare some buildings. I switched on Shared Vision and let him watch the rest of the game. My queens informed me that there was a large cluster of BattleCruisers heading my way. Good Lord--Science Vessels, too! Ack! Fortunately Wuun's forces had to make a pit stop for repairs, giving me some time. I quickly made some Scourges and prepared my Hydras for some first class defending. Defiler prepared to watch, as usuall. One of my Hydralisks said,
"I dare say, old bean, why not hatch a few more of us Hydra fellows to help with the BattleCruisers?"
I thought this was a splendid idea, so I increased my Hydras. By this time I was all mined out, so I saved 300 minerals...you know, JUST I CASE I had an opportunity to expand, maybe in DL's unused teritory.
At this point Wuun attempted a feeble drop on my expansion. I saw it coming from a mile away, and sent two Scourges to take care of it. He did manage to unload a marine and firebat, but they were quickly killed by the Hydras I stationed there.
Spuzz: A laughable attemt.
Wuun: Yeah, I know. It was laughable.
I tried to counter attack (didn't I read somewhere that you're supposed to counter attack if an invasion failed?) I sent three Guardians and some Zerglings to his front door, and attacked a bunker. The bunker went down, and the contents were killed. Then the BattleCruisers showed up and zapped my Guardians in the butt as they fled. Meanwhile my Zerglings were smeared by those damn siege tanks. His only losses were the guys from the bunker.
Spuzz: At least I got four of you bastards.
Wuun: Hahaha
At this point, he rallied his troops for a grand attack. Thankfully, one of the Science Vessels was parasited, so I saw it and some troops, tanks, and approximately 3 Battle Cruisers approach my base from the SE corner. Meanwhile I spotted a cluster of BattleCruisers (this time about 7) approach from the SW. The bastard was surrounding me. I split my Hydras into 2 groups of 12 to cover both ends, and sent two Scourges to wax the Science Vessel.
The BattleCruisers in the SW corner attacked first. It was intense...my Hydras, knowing they faced certain death, lept forward with the courage of lions. "KEEEEEEYAHHHH!!!" they cried.
[Just then, as the BattleCruisers prepared to massacre my Hydras, a very loud, very rude noise was heard. Suddenly a mysterious orange cloud appeared between the BattleCruisers and my troops. Both sides stopped the fight.
"GOOD GOD," said a nearby Zergling, "WHAT IS THAT SMELL?"
"Oh dear lord...oh my GOD..." said a BattleCruiser pilot. The stench was unbearable. Both sides accused each other of the horrible fart.
"Human scum!!! What cowardly brand of treachery is this?" demanded my Hydras.
"We don't know!" exclaimed the BattleCruisers.
"Lies! How dare you pervert nature into this vile stench!!! Vandals!!" my Hydras screamed.
"Listen, it doesn't even smell like one of ours. Terran farts smell like potatos--I have no idea what this smell is..." answered a BattleCruiser.
To this reply my Hydras were confused. If it wasn't a Terran, then who...
Just then a Drone piped up: "I got it! I remember that smell! It's the same odor I smell right after Defiler gets out of the bathroom!"
All sides looked at Defiler, who turned bright pink. "I don't know what you are talking about!" he said. "I don't even smell anything!" It was totally obvious that he was lying.
"Jeez, Deflier," said one of the BattleCruisers, "I mean, it's ORANGE. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EAT?"
Defiler ran back in tears and comforted himself by eating a Drone (incidentaly, not the Drone who had identified him). Meanwhile the troops had engaged the battle. One BattleCruiser was heard to say "I can't see anything in that cloud!" This gave the Cerebrate an idea.
"Hydras!" He exclaimed. "Get into that cloud!"
"What?? No way!" they said.
"DO IT!!" the Cerebrate screamed. Reluctantly the Hydras went into the cloud and miraculously were proteced from the BattleCruisers.
"This is the worst day of my life," moaned a Hydra.]
From under the Dark Swarm of fecal matter, the Hydras could attack the BattleCruisers safely. Unfortunately a few suffocated in the horrid stench, but this battle wasn't quite over yet.
[Defiler must have eaten the Drone to fast, because he was suddenly sick to his stomach. Running towards the BattleCruisers, he suddenly puked red gunk all over them. The complete and utterly blatant lack of etiquette once again stunned all troops into a cease fire.
"GOOD GOD, DEFILER," said the Cerebrate. "If anyone asks, I don't know you!"
Defiler, knowing his social life was now dead, burst into fresh tears and burrowed himself. The fighting continued.]
Now that the BattleCruisers were plauged, they fell out of the sky like rocks. Any approaching Science Vessels were destroyed by Scourges, and the land units were handled. I had successfully defended the SW corner of my base!
The battleCruisers attacked from the SE side. Fortunately(?), the whole ugly Defiler scene re-occured and the BattleCruisers were again left to fight an untouchable enemy while plauged. Wuun sent some guys from the Firebat swimming team into the Dark Swarm of fecal matter. How did I know they were from the swimming team? Becuase they must've been able to hold their breath well. Thank God for the Sunken Colonies that killed the firebats, otherwise I would have been hurting.
With his fleet demolished, Wuun conceded. I guess he was out of resources. Now it was a simple matter of destroying the remaining DL structures. I won!
This game was really fun--not just because I won, but because the whole time we played, the three of us trash talked and conversed good naturedly. It really makes the game more enjoyable knowing that you're not playing some uptight asswipe who cares too much about winning.
Well, as you can see, I am a pretty lousy player that luckily squeaked out a victory. Any comments to help improve my game are greatly welcomed, as well as comments on this Battle Report. Keep in mind it's my first one...go easy on me!
I also apologise for the lack of screen shots. I'm still trying to figure out how to do it.
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