Hey all and welcome to another KingWombat battlereport. This one revolves around the escapades of a young man names CJ in the pleasant seaside town of Los Santos. I'm sure you all know what game this report is taken from, so I won't bother going into detail on that note. I would like to point out, however, that CJ is by no means representative of the entire African American population and that I do not intend for this report to come off as being racist in any way. Focus on CJ as an individual, not as a member of a group. Without further small talk, on to the report.
From the diary of CJ Johnson, undated:
 "I didn't have no ride waiting for me as I exited the airport. My homies in Los Santos didn't know I was coming, apparently. I tossed my bags in the river so they could float their way down to the 'hood and then started trying to find me a ride. There was a sweet-looking red bicycle parked along the curb so I jacked it to appear less conspicuous. There ain't nothing more conspicuous than a man on foot."
"It rode as sweet as it looked! I pulled all kinds of sick and radical moves such as hitting a lamppost and falling off. But I soon got my bearings and cruised along looking like your average citizen. For some reason everyone was shouting 'drop the bike, (ethnic slur)!!!' yet I couldn't see no (ethnic slur)s on a bike anywhere. But since everyone was doing it, I yelled it too so I could blend in. Some people gave me weird looks as I rode along shouting this new catchphrase I had learned, so I ran them over. Ain't nobody gonna give me weird looks around here. CJ will run this town in a couple weeks, so y'all better learn some respect."
 "I came across some dawgs that looked like my homies back home, except they were wearing purple. I started a conversation about the weather and other such interesting topics. Two minutes into the conversation they started pulling out guns and knives. I told them they were cool and all but I didn't wanna be caught by the po-lice in this situation so I got out of there after many fond farewells. They shot at me and my bike, cause that's what homies do. As I rode along, pretty soon things started looking familiar, and in a couple more minutes I was back home in the 'hood. There was a big red thing at my front door but I was so tired, and high, and happy to be home I didn't think much of it at all. The next day it was gone."
"On Friday me and my homies spent the day walking around the block trying to look gangsta. I wore my wife beater to accentuate my buff arms and because it was the only thing I had. The package I had sent to myself via river had not arrived yet, but I figured the mail was just slow."
"In the evening we got crunk. What a way to culminate a hard day's work."
"Saturday we went bike riding. I jacked me a new bike cause the old one had been stolen. We went downtown and cruised along looking for chicks. Suddenly we were attacked!"
 "A purple car pulled alongside and started peppering us with bullets. My homies went down like wheat before the scythe! I couldn't see who it was inside, but I decided to get the hell out of there. In the process I rammed into a cop, killing him instantly, split my bike in half and went flying over a distance of a kilometer. I got back and grabbed the cop's piece and started shooting up the purple car which was still there for some odd reason or another. I ran out of bullets pretty quick so I used the cop's walkie talkie to radio for backup."
"The police were on the scene in no time flat. They pulled the dudes out of the car and I saw that it was the purple homies I had talked to on... um, I forget which day that was. So I tried to interfere and save my brothers, but the cops shot me."
"When I woke up I was lying on the sidewalk in front of the police station. My head hurt like a sumbitch! I asked some passers-by which part of town I was in, but they didn't see me. Then I saw a nice-looking white lady in a maroon car drive by, and decided to ask her. She would know."
 "I overtook her vehicle, stopped in front of it and signaled for her to get out. She began talking and I saw her mouth forming obscene words and ethnic slurs. This was too much! I ran up to her door, pried it open, pulled her out, GOT IN, AND LEFT. WITHOUT SAYING A WORD TO NOBODY. I'd seen it done in a game called GTA: San Andreas that I used to play on my console before it got stolen."
"I had never driven a car before, so I naturally messed up my bumper and killed some people. Along the way I also stopped and tried to hold up a McDonald's, before finding out I had no gun and fleeing the scene. All I was trying to do is get to the highway. Finally I found it and merged succesfully."
"I made sure to drive on the right side of the road so as to blend in with the general population."
"I made it to my 'hood safe and sound. It was already dark out and I was tired as hell, so I decided all I needed now was to get me some sleep. Tomorrow would be a big day of walking around trying to look gangsta."
 "As I parked my vehicle on the grass and got out, I was ambushed! But wait, it was my purple homies! They prolly wanted to chill or something, so I said it was cool and that I didn't want to sleep anyway. I said, y'all wanna go to the movies or somethin'. They were shouting about revenge and retribution and I said no, I hadn't seen that one yet, let's go see that shit. Then they began to punch the daylights out of me. I realized something was askew and ran for the cover of my house. But before I got there, I got shot dead."
"I was delivered to the hospital and brought back from the dead. Now I wanted my own revenge. As soon as they let me out, I ran into the street and up to the first copper I saw. I told him I'd been shot and that I knew whodunit, but he just walked by me like I was invisible. That sumbitch!"
"No matter. CJ can exact his own revenge. Soon they will feel my wrath. I was so angry and infuriated I punched the wall and broke every single bone in my right hand. I ran back to the hospital to get fixed up. Those doctors worked their magic one me and soon I was back on the streets."
"I brooded in the dark, plotting my revenge. Pretty soon I saw my target driving by: a trademark shitty car with a purple dude inside. I jumped out of the trash bin and assaulted him like there was no tomorrow. Sadly I couldn't get to him because there was his car to be accounted for, which prevented me from beating the shit out of that no good sumbitch. He slammed on the gas and I got slammed onto the asphalt, but recovered quickly and ran after him. My running skills were to no avail and soon he had vanished in the smog. I stopped in the middle of a road for a breather and a smoke."
"As luck would have it, at that moment a hitman for hire walked by. I recognized him by his bling and lack of shirt. I told him I wanted some people dead and was willing to sell my house to pay for the expenses. He listened attentively, then pulled a gun on me. From all directions, purple people converged. I had been duped! I felt ten nine-mils being put to my head and waited for the shots."
 "As I lay in the hospital recovering from my injuries, I knew I would never forget that moment when ten bullets entered my brain simultaneously. I knew I would never be the same again. From now on, I would live for revenge. I will come and go like a specter in the night, taking their lives one by one. They will cower in fear, they will hide in dark corners and pray to Jesus and Mary and all the saints for forgiveness. But still I will come, a relentless spirit of vengeance. Just you wait, you sumbitches."
CJ's diary entry ends here.
No one knows what happened to him.
Word has it that he became a relentless spirit of vengeance.
And there you have it, another report by KingWombat. I left in all the vulgarities to try and enrich the experience, and bring it closer to real life. Most of you probably have no idea who I am and have never read my other reports, but for me this was a nice break from my usual drab and dry writing style. Happy Thanksgiving.
The next Los Santos Tales report
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