Introduction

Ladies and gentlemen my name is Drintr, and I am the proud host of battlereports.com’s first reality battlereport. Last week I searched the world for five suitable candidates to participate in my new reality series. Considering the results, I will admit that I should have spent more time searching. However, since two of the five contestants are raters, I won’t complain any longer.

For the uninformed, my reality battlereport will work like this: Every week I’ll give the report’s contestants one task that they will have to complete online in a warcraft or starcraft game. Once each contestant has submitted a replay of their game, I will write a report that features a summary of each game played. Then you, the reader, will vote off the player you think did not complete the task as successfully as his competition. The winner of the series will then be unofficially named, "The Rook."
 

The Contestants

Dagomar: Hailing from the proud nation of (chuckle) Canada, Dagomar is competing for pride. “[This] is a fun little competition,” Dagomar said. “I might as well get something after not getting in the HOF yet.” But despite his obvious bitterness over his recent loss in the polls, Dagomar says he is prepared to do whatever it takes to win this competition and be named “The Rook.”

“I'm willing to tip every cow, topple every granny, and pluck every chicken,” Dagomar said. “I'll curse, I'll rob, hell, I'll even murder to attain the most cherished and respected title in professional sports.”

Raider: Some people have participated in this battlereport because of the money, some are in it for the woman, and some are just after power. Raider only wants fame. When asked why he wanted to be named “The Rook,” Raider’s answer was brief and specific: “I want to be famous.”

Zerg~ling: Out of every contestant, Zerg~ling gave the worst answer after being asked why he wanted to win this reality battlereport.

Drintr: Why do you want to be named "The Rook?"
Zerg~ling: I do?

Luckily, Zerg~ling recovered after this initial blunder.

Zerg~ling: Oh it’s the prize?
Drintr: Yes.
Zerg~ling: I see. Well obviously because of the opportunities it gives me. I'm interested in hosting Survivor 2008.

It’s an uphill battle from here Zerg~ling.

Mattzarella: This guy is an interesting character, and from day one I knew he was going to be a handful. Look at what he wrote in the e-mail he sent me at the very beginning of the series (he was volunteering to be a contestant in this e-mail):

sounds like a neat idea - i'm in, provided that our city isn't swept away by a hurricane

First day in, and Mattzarella was already preparing his excuses. Sickening, really. But despite his faults, Mattzarella commands respect from his peers. “Mattz will go far, Dagomar said. “…just because, well, he's quite gay.”

When I first read Dagomar’s comment I thought that he was using the word “gay” in a looser context. Now I am starting to rethink my initial assumption.

Drintr: How far are you willing to go to be named "The Rook?"
Mattzarella: I will make out with Endersshadow, but I don’t think I would go to third base.
Drintr: Don't know him well enough?
Matzarella: He told me he was saving himself for Jaood.

Endersshadow: Contestant number five is Endersshadow. If you don’t know who this guy is, I think this picture, posted by Zerg~ling about five months ago, explains everything.

“He's absolutely abysmal at Starcraft,” Dagomar said. Later, when I interviewed Zerg~ling about Endersshadow gaming abilities, I got a similar response. “Ender doesn't know how to play either [starcraft or warcraft],” Zerg~ling said. “[However,] I’m sure he’s a good person at heart.”

But all this criticism has only made Endersshadow tougher. “I just hope I win so I can rub in a few people's faces,” he said.

The Task

Now that I have introduced you to this report’s five contestants, I can tell you this week’s task. Every contestant had to play an online game that featured a weird strategy. It did not matter if the game was a 1v1 or a 2v1 comp stomp; as long as the game was over six minutes and featured an interesting strategy, it was legitimate. As the reader, your job will be to read the game summaries I have provided in this report and then “vote off” the player you felt utilized with the worst strategy.

The Games

Mattzarella’s Game
Map: Fastest Map Ever
Game Type: 2v1 (Comp Stomp)

The fun begins with Mattz (terran) located at the bottom right corner of the map, and his ally, Stealthy-Killa (zerg), located at the bottom left corner. Immediately, Mattz walls off his choke with supply depots and floats a barracks north of his base to scout for the computer. The floating barracks soon finds the protoss computer located directly north.

Engineering Bay Rush
 

With his choke walled off, Mattz starts producing a hell of an amount of tanks to guard it. Meanwhile, he starts building engineering bays. A lot of engineering bays. I mean, just a ridiculous amount of these things. Eighteen minutes into the game, Mattz flies his engineering bays west to his opponent’s base. The bays effectively cover everything.

But Mattz would never do something like this without reason. And being the nice guy that he is, he explains to Stealth-Killa that he is trying an invincibility trick that he learned on a starcraft website.

How I learned to stop worrying…

But of course, Mattz’s did not spend the last eighteen minutes of the game just building engineering bays. Mattz also found it prudent to construct eight nuclear silos.

Mattz arms the silos and loads up 16 ghosts into two drop ships. He then flies the special ops team to his ally’s base. Stealthy-killa, unfortunately, remains ignorant of what is to occur. South of Stealthy-killa’s base is a clump of overlords, and Mattz uses the clump to conceal his drop ships and sixteen ghosts. Once the ghosts all land, Mattz targets two nuclear missiles at the nearest buildings. The nuclear blast destroys the hatchery, most of Stealthy killa’s overlords, and the nearby miners. Mattz moves the rest of his ghosts north, and launches more nukes to destroy over half of Stealthy-killa’s hatcheries.

Stealthy-killa is unfortunately unable to counter with any sort of effective resistance because of a lack of offensive troops. In fact, the only thing that Stealthy-killa really had at this point was a lot of hives located at an expansion north of his base. Why Stealthy-killa decided to expand on a fastest-map-ever map, I do not know. Why he decided to upgrade all of his hatcheries into hives, again, I’m not sure. The strategy is an odd one, and I suppose an explanation for it might be a secret battlereports.com-like site somewhere on the internet that Stealthy-killa is a hot reporter for. The mass hives bit might have been a crazy strategy that Stealthy-killa was planning to report on in a battlereport series reminiscent of Drefsab’s “To Kill a Newbie” series. But I digress. What I know for sure is only that Stealthy-killa’s hives north of his base did not last long. Mattz moved his ghosts to the expansion and nuked the hives located there.

…And love the bomb

Finally Stealthy-killa took some initiative and built hydralisks at his few remaining hatcheries in his main base. The attempt came too late, however, and only a few seconds after the hydralisks hatched, they too were nuked. With the destruction of almost all his hatcheries, Sealthy-killa surrendered. Mattz then proceeded to mop up the computer with his siege tanks.


Zerg~ling’s Game
Map: Lost Temple
Game Type: 1v1

Zerg~ling starts the game with a command center at the 3:00 position. He builds a single scv, and then mines until he has 216 minerals. Zerg~ling then lifts his command center and floats it to the northern island. The five scvs left in Zerg~ling’s base scout the map and eventually find their enemy, EstentOr, at the 6:00 position.

By this time, EstentOr has one zealot, and another just about to finish building. Without hesitation, Zerg~ling orders his five scvs in EstentOr’s base to attack one of the enemy pylons. The two zealots meanwhile just watch, disbelieving that five scvs could possibly destroy anything. The pylon gets to 300 health, and the zealots still watch. The pylon gets to 200 health, and the zealots still watch. Finally, at 164 health, the zealots realize that the scvs might actually succeed in their mission. The zealots attack and destroy three of the scvs, but are too late to save the pylon. The two remaining scvs circle around the enemy base while being chased by the zealots. In his northern island base, Zerg~ling constructs scvs and gears up his economy.

After several minutes of chasing the scvs around his base – really a dizzying experience – EstentOr’s zealots finally destroy them. All this excitement gives Zerg~ling time to build a barracks, a factory, and two starports on his island. After Zerg~ling’s scvs finish building the starports, Zerg~ling orders the construction of wraths and drop ships. Zerg~ling’s factory builds siege tanks to further assist the attack force.

A wrath eventually pops out of one of the starports, and Zerg~ling sends it to EstentOr’s mineral line. The wrath, upon arriving, starts firing at the probes and succeeds in killing one of them. EstentOr responds by building a cannon near his nexus, and moving his probes down to his natural where they can be protected by the cannons already located there. After EstentOr’s cannon morphs in, it destroys the lone wrath. During this time, Zerg~ling continues pressuring his opponent by flying a drop ship with two tanks down to the cliff overlooking EstenOr’s natural. The tanks siege on the cliff and then fire on the nearby cannons and nexus. The tanks destroy the nexus, but are chased of the cliff by zealots recently dropped there by a shuttle.

Zerg~ling loads the tanks up and flies them west where they can join an attack force of tanks and wraths located below EsentOr’s base. With the wraths acting as a means for the tanks to see the gateways on the cliff above them, the tanks fire and destroy one of the gateways. At this point, Zerg~ling has three wraths and six tanks decimating the enemy base. EstentOr tries attacking Zerg~ling’s force with a small group of zealots and dragoons, but the force is obliterated by Zerg~ling’s more powerful army. The army destroys the remaining buildings and claims victory. But the game does not end.

Zerg~ling scouts with wrath and notices that EstentOr has another base at the 3:00 position. He sends seven tanks and eight wraths to the base, and is met by another weak defending force consisting of zealots. The zealots attack but are pulverized by the tanks and wraths. After defeating the defenders, Zerg~ling orders his tanks to destroy the base. EstentOr leaves; Zerg~ling celebrates.

 

Dagomar’s Game
Map: Big Game Hunters Fastest Map Ever
Game type: 2v1 (comp stomp)

Out of every contestant, Dagomar will have to overcome the most obstacles if he wants to win. As Mattz so bluntly put it in a recent interview:

Drintr: Who do you think will get voted off first?
Mattzarella: Hmmmmm. Well Dag lives in Canada and he lives around a lot of French people. And the French lose everything. So I’d say Dag.
Drintr: That’s an interesting line of reasoning.
Matzarella: I’ve put a lot of thought into this.

Dagomar decided that his best bet would be to play a game on the highly acclaimed fastest map ever with the chat handle “thisrepwillbebred.” His ally was the esteemed the_dragoneer. We know he is an esteemed figure because not many people have definite articles preceding their name. The opponent? The computer controlled Fenis Brood.

The game starts with Dagomar’s nexus located in the middle-bottom position. The_dragoneer was located relatively nearby in the left-middle position. Dagomar immediately starts working, and begins building pylons in the center of the map. Meanwhile, the_dragoneer, commanding the zerg, sends an overlord around the map to scout for the lone computer opponent.

The Hidden Message
 

Four minutes into the game, Dagomar has still not built a single combat unit. However, he has built quite a few pylons. Now I’m not one to look too deeply into things, but I don’t think anyone would be silly to suggest that Dagomar’s pylons are starting to form letters.

During this time, The_Dragoneer succeeds in finding the Fenis Brood with a scouting overlord. An “M” meanwhile is created out of pylons by Dagomar’s probe.

The_Dragoneer ignores the letters and builds hydras which are promptly marched to the choke point outside the enemy base. Back at home, Dagomar creates a few robotics facilities, and begins to research reaver upgrades. And in the middle of the map, a “B” and an “S” are created. What could this mean?

The_Dragoneer must not have understood the message and orders his hydralisks to attack the enemy base. The hydralisks tear through the enemy base and decimate all resistance from the Fenis Brood. Dagomar, however, is nowhere to be seen near the battle scene. Instead he loads up seven shuttles with reavers and sends them in the completely opposite direction of the computer-controlled base.

First the mysterious message and now this? One can only imagine what the_Dragoneer was thinking. Eventually he wises up and cancels his alliance with Dagomar, who, by then, had his seven shuttles flying over the_Dragoneer’s base.

The three hydras guarding the_Dragoneer’s base start firing at the shuttles. Unfortunately they are too late, and the shuttles drop their payload. Reaver fire kills the hydras within seconds and begins destroying the hatcheries. The_Dragoneer responds by morphing all of his larvae into hydras. Meanwhile, the hydralisks in the now-destroyed computer base are ordered to return back to the_Dragoneer’s base.

After all but two of the_Dragoneer’s hatcheries are destroyed, the hydralisk eggs hatch and start attacking the invading reaver. The reavers counter with scarab fire and obliterate the hydras before much damage can be done.

The_Dragoneer’s army of hydras, still far from the_Dragoneer’s base, continues slithering to their homeland. Unfortunately, the_Dragoneer must have ordered the hydras to attack move, and instead of heading straight to their home base, the hydras start firing on the letter-forming pylons between the computer base and the_Dragoneer's base. The_Dragoneer realizes his mistake, but by now his only remaining building is a hydralisk den. He orders his hydras to ignore the pylons and head straight home. Will the hydras make it back to their base before their den is destroyed? No, not even close.

Raider’s Game
Map: Lost Temple
Game Type: 1v1

Raider begins the game with…
What the hell is this!?
Pardon? Who said that?
This is Rook.
Rook? As in the battlereports.com mascot?
Yes, sheesh Drintr, I can’t believe you would hold a competition that rewards the winner with ‘The Rook’ title, and not invite me to it.
Umm, I did invite you.
The hell you did!
Well, umm, would you like to help provide some commentary on the last two games?
I will provide commentary, whether you like it or not. So what game is next?
Raider’s game.
Ohh, Raider! I love that guy. You know, I voted for him in the last HOF election.
He wasn’t even a candidate!
He was a write-in. I hope he wins this competition!
Rook, you’re going to have to be a bit more impartial if you want to provide commentary.
Yaya, let’s get to the game.

Raider’s Game (for real this time)
Map: Lost Temple
Game Type: 1v1

Drintr: Raider starts out as terran at the 6:00 position. He immediately produces scvs and sends one to build a supply depot at his choke. Once the scv finishes building the depot, Raider sends it to scout out his opponent, QualityCrayons. Raider meanwhile walls off his choke with another supply depot and a barracks
Rook: His opponent’s name is QualityCrayons?
Drintr: Yes, Rook, it is.
Rook: Well that’s kind of stupid.
Drintr: Well I don’t think Rook is that great of a name, either.
Rook: Rook separates two fingers an inch apart from each other. I’m this close to banning you.
Drintr: Err, hey look! Raider’s scouting scv has located QualityCrayons’ protoss base at the 12:00 position.
Rook: Psh, there’s nothing too amazing about that.
Drintr: And this is interesting. Now Raider’s scouting scv has moved out of QualityCrayons’ base and is building a barracks below it. If completed, the barracks would serve an excellent tactical advantage. Good. The barracks is completed, and now Raider is producing marines from it. Raider’s barracks back at home is also making marines, and in fact –
Rook: Sheesh, look at all the scvs he has mining minerals! It’s only four minutes into the game, and Raider has about twenty scvs mining. Oddly enough, Raider doesn’t have a refinery yet.
Drintr: That does seem a bit strange, but it looks like an explanation is coming soon. Look! All of Raider’s scvs have stopped mining and are now heading toward the protoss base. Raider’s marines are accompanying them.  The marines from the barracks near QualityCrayons’ base have joined the attack force. Now the entire army is heading up QualityCrayons’ ramp.
Rook: Tsk, tsk. This might be the end for QualityCrayons, he only has three dragoons guarding his ramp.
Drintr: And worse still, QualityCrayons is retreating the dragoons! He’s giving up the height advantage. Rook, your thoughts?
Rook: Without the height advantage those dragoons stand no change against the marines and scvs.
Drintr: You’re right, they are being torn up now by the army. Quality Crayons is  having to use his probes for defense. I think Raider has won the game.

Rook: Those marines and scvs are dominating. All QualityCrayons has  now is a single reaver.
Drintr: QualityCrayons is trying some fancy microing with the reaver by letting it fire and then picking it up with a shuttle before it can be attacked. I don’t think this tactic will work for too long against Raider.
Rook: That’s probably true, Drintr. Raider is now chasing the shuttle and targeting the reaver whenever it lands. Bam! He’s destroyed it.
Drintr: Well that’s the game. Without his reaver, QualityCrayons has no units to defend his base with.
Rook: Great scv and marine rush. GG.

Endersshadow’s Game
Map: Plunder Island
Game Type: 1v1

Drintr: Well it looks like Endersshadow’s replay is next.
Rook: Endersshadow? Hah. 5:1 odds say that he dies to peon rush.
Drintr: You don’t think Endersshadow will win in his own replay?
Rook: I don’t think Endersshadow can win any replay. The only exception is if his opponent disconnects, and even then, it might get tricky.
Drintr: The replay is starting now, and it looks like – well isn’t that adorable? Endersshadow is using the chat handle “iHeartdrintr.”
Rook: What the hell?
Drintr: Plus 10 bonus points!!! Good luck Endersshadow! It looks like Endersshadow, I mean iHeartdrintr =D, is playing as undead on the plunder island map. His opponent is the aptly named Human.Solo. Nothing too interesting is happening now. Endersshadow has just finished building the standard crypt, ziggurat, tomb of relics and altar of darkness, and now he is summoning a death knight. Rook, your thoughts?
Rook: He is such a suck-up.
Drintr: Enderrshadow is now sending the death knight up north for some early game harassment.
Rook: Hah! His hero is headed straight into the path of Human.Solo’s footman army.
Drintr: Endersshadow! Watch out!
Rook: Human.Solo’s paladin is laying the smack-down on him. GG!
Drintr: But wait a second, the death knight is dodging the army and is heading straight for Human.Solo’s peons. Oh no, Human.Solo has chased the death knight away before it was able to do much damage.
Rook: What a loser.
Drintr: Hey! Don’t talk about iHeartdrintr that way. Look! The death knight has turned around and is heading back to the peon supply line. He has killed two peasants. Go Endersshadow!
Rook: Well that’s strange. Where did Human.Solo’s army go?
Drintr: Yay, that is a little bit… oh dear. Human.Solo army has launched an all-out attack on Endersshadow’s town hall.
Rook: Since the hall is currently upgrading, it cannot fire at the invading footmen. It looks like Endersshadow will have to teleport his death knight to his base if he wants to fend off the attack.
Drintr: Uh oh, this doesn’t look good for Endersshadow. His hall of the dead is already at half life. Okay good, the death knight has arrived and is now attacking the footmen with some ghouls. Acolytes from the gold mine are heading to the hall of the dead to repair the damage that Human.Solo is doing to it. Human.Solo is retreating! Yay, Endersshadow!
Rook: Bah, beginners luck.
Drintr: I’m not so sure about that. Endersshadow has regrouped his forces and is attacking Human.Solo.
Rook: You know, this strategy doesn’t seem very creative to me.
Drintr: Bah, it’ll creative soon. You’ll see. In the mean time, Endersshadow is kicking ass. He has just surrounded and killed a footman with ghouls. And now Endersshadow is doing the same thing to Human.Solo’s paladin. He has killed the paladin!
Rook: Whoop-dee-do, it was only level one. And look, Human.Solo’s riflemen are forcing Endersshadow’s army into retreat.
Drintr: Hmm, well that’s interesting. Back at home, Enderrshadow has built two temples of the damned. He has researched master banshee training, and now he is building an army of banshees. Oh, very clever, Endersshadow is now moving around the map and possessing the creeps. That is a creative strategy!
Rook: Only if Enderrshadow pulls it off. And Drintr, that is a big “if.”
Drintr: Wait a second, a message is coming in from Endersshadow.

Rook: Hmm, I don’t even think Enderrshadow would fall for that one.
Drintr: Wait, more is coming.

Drintr: Well it looks like Enderrshadow is not going to put up with this nonsense, and he is moving in for the final kill. So far, Enderrshadow has six possessed gnolls and five possessed ogres. Solo.Human has an army of spell breakers, riflemen, and mortar teams.
Rook: And here comes the battle. Oh my God, Enderrshadow is actually winning!
Drintr: Of course he is winning. His ogres and gnolls are tearing through the opposition. The remaining banshees are possessing the riflemen. Endersshadow has also wisely activated a book of the dead to give him extra reinforcements. Human.Solo has teleported into his base. Endersshadow is pursuing, but it looks like he does not have the manpower to breach the base’s defense.
 

Rook: And Endersshadow has retreated. I knew his strategy would fail.

Drintr: Now what just a minute, Rook. Both players are out of gold. Endersshadow has an expansion on the northern plateu, but Human.Solo doesn’t have anything. If Endersshadow can keep Human.solo from getting an expansion, Endersshadow will win the game. It looks like that is what Endersshadow is doing too. Endersshadow has moved his troops to the left north expansion and has spotted Human.Solo’s currently under-construction town hall.
Rook: It looks like this will be the game’s final battle. Watch Endersshadow lose it.
Drintr: Here comes the enemy army. Endersshadow is focus firing on Solo.Human’s level five paladin. The paladin has fallen! Now Endersshadow is finishing off the rest of the army. Victory! With the enemy army defeated, Endersshadow has easily destroyed the expansion. Now he is heading over to Endersshadow’s main base.
Rook: Wait a second, a message is coming in from Human.Solo.

Rook: Hahahahaha.
Drintr: You heard it first from us folks. Beat Human.Solo, win a dollar.
Drintr: Oddly enough, Endersshadow still has not won yet. Human.Solo must have another expansion. Endersshadow is scouting the map and has located it at the bottom right. Human.Solo is pleading for his life, but it’s not working.
 

Drintr: And that’s the game.
Rook: I cannot believe Endersshadow won.

The Vote

Alright, now that you've read the battlereport you can finally vote off the player you felt used the worst strategy. After a few of days I'll officially announce in the forum which player got voted off.