Raiders of the Lost Ankh

In the beginning, a burrow was built. Then an altar. For most players this wouldn’t have been enough; most players would have proceeded to build more burrows, a barracks, maybe a war mill just for show. But at that time, an altar and burrow was enough. For a blade master named Kajind, it was too much.

When Kajind was fully summoned he inspected the base surrounding him.

"Smood Puddles!" he thought. "Another newbie."

Kajind’s assumption, however, was not too accurate. Drintr was no newbie. In fact, he was just the opposite: Drintr was a newbie slayer. And like all good newbie slayers, Drintr knew that the best way to kill a newbie was to utilize the ridiculous strategies that only a newbie would use.

"How’s it going Kajind?" Drintr asked.

"Drintr? What the hell does that name mean?" Kajind responded.

"I don’t know, I just thought it sounded cool when I thought of it."

"So what’s going on commander?"

Drintr smiled. "Just some old-fashioned newbie slaying."

"Well that sounds really great. Oh! I have an idea! How about you build a barracks, that way we can make units to slay the newbie. Moron." Kajind looked impatient.

"No can do," said Drintr. "That’d be against the rules."

"What the hell."

"During this newbie-bashing game, I can only build peons, heroes, and raiders. That’s it."

Kajind looked more impatient. "With all due respect Drintr, even when compared to Jessica Simpson that plan would look dumb. Ba-ching!"

"Exactly."

"But..."

Drintr interrupted. "I thought heroes couldn’t make conversation with their masters."

Kajind thought for a moment, and then shut up. He would stay that way for the rest of the game.

Drintr hadn’t invested any gold into a barracks, and because of this he had plenty of money for a town hall upgrade. This was to be a golden age for the orcs. The peons inhabiting Drintr’s base were completely ignorant of anything that could possibly do them harm in the greater world. They only knew about building, repairing, and the joys of procreation. They built burrows and monuments praising Drintr’s name. A war mill was constructed, dedicated to their fearless hero Kajind. A peon named Peter, during his leisure time, even invented an instrument that made the joys of procreation even more joyful. All was well, until the blizzard in July.

Kajind had left the base to go creeping in the lost temple. Drintr’s human opponent, Luckymoney, had meanwhile scouted Drintr’s base with his level one archmage. Seeing that no hero defended Drintr’s base, the archmage freely cast a blizzard spell on the little trade route between the Drintr’s gold mine and town hall. The peons scattered; some jumped into burrows while others took refuge in the nearby wood cutters’ camp.

Kajind ran back to his home base. Meanwhile, the archmage moved further into Drintr’s homeland and cast a blizzard that targeted the peons working in the lumber camp. Peter – known then as Peter the Joyful – was the first to die. Finally, Kajind the Blademaster arrived at the base to defend against the archmage. Spears from the burrows assisted Kajind, but the firepower was not enough to stop the archmage from casting one last blizzard on the gold mine trade route. As a result, another peon fell dead. Before the archmage could be killed, he teleported from the base.

Drintr was furious. Resolved to never allow anything of that sort to happen again, he decided to establish the orc kingdom’s first department of homeland security. The archmage later raided the base twice more, killing more peons in the process. The department of homeland security obviously was not enough to ensure safety; Drintr finally decided to screw it and just build a tower.

With the raids finally at an end and the town center fully upgraded, two beastiaries could be made. Raiders poured out of the buildings and followed Kajind as he scouted for Luckymoney.

First, Kajind scouted the eastern position. There was no rationale behind this, really. I suppose Kajind could have chosen east because Mecca is located to the east; we certainly can’t rule that possibility out. But whatever his reasoning, Kajind went east and found nothing. He then went to the northern expansion spot and found two towers and a town hall under construction. The raiders following Kajind mercilessly destroyed the buildings before Luckymoney’s army could arrive at the scene. For the peons back home, Peter the Joyful’s death had been avenged.

Drintr still was not satisfied. Realizing that Luckymoney’s army was guarding the eastern part of Luckymoney’s base, Drintr came up with a plan. His raiders, then 12 in number, were split into two equal numbered groups. The first group went to the northern entrance of Luckymoney’s base while the second group – with Kajind – stayed at the eastern entrance. The first group began the attack. The raiders swept in, destroying a guard tower before it could be completed. The chaos caught the attention of Luckymoney’s army, and it moved west to counter the threat. This left the eastern flank unguarded.

Kajind and the second group of raiders swept into the base. They immediately targeted Luckymoney’s only barracks. Meanwhile, the first group of raiders moved to the back of the base in order to destroy the lumber camp. Luckymoney’s army – consisting of footmen, riflemen, and sorceresses determined to cast slow – fought back. The sorceresses slowed the raiders that had entered the northern entrance of the base while footmen and riflemen targeted the now sluggish orc units. A newly summoned mountain king delivered a final blow that killed one of the raiders. Another raider that had somehow gotten behind of the main group was brought down by dwarven rifle fire. With two of their six dead, the first raider group retreated. The second raider group faired better. Since Luckymoney’s army had been preoccupied with the first raider group for most of the battle, the other raiders were able to safely destroy Luckymoney’s barracks while losing only one of their number to a tower. These raiders then retreated as well.

For about five minutes, minor skirmishes took place all across the map. Drintr’s raiders would run into Luckymoney’s base to destroy a house or two, and then Luckymoney’s army would chase the raiders away. No side seemed to carry any major advantage, and Luckymoney sought to change this. With his level three archmage and equally experience mountain king, Luckymoney sent an army of footmen, sorceresses, and riflemen to Drintr’s base. The raiders guarding the base, weakened from raids prior, were quickly killed by the invading army. Luckymoney’s army would have encountered more resistance, but five of Drintr’s raiders had previously left to go on a quick raid.

At Drintr’s base, peons burrowed in order to avoid casualties. Meanwhile, a far seer popped out of Drintr’s altar to act as assistance during the attack. Kajind and the far seer defended against the invading army but could ultimately not fend it off. The far seer fell, and Kajind – then level two – was killed soon after. Nevertheless, the defense at Drintr’s base was adequate. The burrows and a tower were able to easily kill Luckymoney’s upgrade-lacking footmen and riflemen. After Luckymoney’s mountain giant fell to tower and burrow fire, Luckymoney retreated.

But Luckymoney lost more than his army during the attack. While his army attacked Drintr’s base, a small team of raiders destroyed Luckymoney’s arcane sanctum and blacksmith back at home. Because of the raid, Luckymoney’s newly-built barracks acted as the only building Luckymoney had that could produce military units. Both sides rebuilt. Both sides prayed for victory. Kajind wondered what the world would have been like had Peter the Joyful lived and continued to invent.

Drintr hated doing nothing for large amounts of time, and busied himself by conducting small raids aimed at destroying key buildings in Luckymoney’s base. In response, Luckymoney built towers just about everywhere he could. Both players built expansions. Drintr, however, was the first to scout his opponent’s new base.

Drintr gathered his raiders, recently fully upgraded, and headed for the new enemy expansion. Since Luckymoney had a small military at the time – a couple priests and sorceresses, footmen and a rifleman – Drintr instructed his raiders to attack only the expansion town hall. This was a mistake. Peasants mining gold nearby dropped their pick axes immediately when realizing their town hall was under attack, and since these peasants weren’t necessarily the bravest of types, they began repairing the hall instead of running out into the battle as militia. With the peasants making constant repairs, the raiders’ attempt to destroy the town hall failed. Worse still, the many towers located Luckymoney's expansion succeeded in decimating Drintr’s army. It seemed like Drintr would lose the game. But luckily, Luckymoney made a mistake.

For one reason or another, Luckymoney decided to send his level 5 archmage alone to Drintr’s base. Drintr had meanwhile begun building a replacement army of raiders, and when the archmage arrived, seven raiders had been built. Without hesitation, nets were thrown to capture the lone hero. The archmage was then encircled and killed.

Drintr ordered another attack on Luckymoney’s expansion. Kajind, assisted by a level two far seer who Drintr felt could remain unnamed, led the assault. This time Drintr’s raiders focused on the enemy army rather than the town hall. Since spell casters take extra damage from siege attacks, they were the first to be netted and trampled by the raiders. Without caster support, the enemy footmen and riflemen were killed easily. Unfortunately, the towers at Luckymoney’s base still succeeded in ultimately driving off the raiders. A new plan was needed; Drintr built two barracks.

***

"The hell do you think you’re doing!?!" Kajind looked angry. "You can’t build barracks."

"I thought you weren’t allowed to talk," Drintr responded.

"What are you going to build? Can’t you only build raiders during this game?" Kajind questioned.

"I’ll only make four catapults. I think they’re the only way I’m going to succeed in breaking into Luckymoney’s expansion."

Kajind thought for a moment. "This change of tactics is cheaper than Enron’s stock. Ba-ching!"

***

Four catapults were produced from the barracks. Drintr readied his army; however, Luckymoney attacked first. At his own expansion spot, Drintr could see Luckymoney’s army approaching. When the army did attack, Drintr ordered his catapults to fire at the spell casters first. The casters were killed quickly, and without their support, the invading footmen and riflemen died fast. When Luckymoney’s level five mountain king seemed near death, Luckymoney retreated the remains of his army. Drintr pursued.

Upon reaching Luckymoney’s expansion, Drintr ordered his catapults to kill the enemy archmage by using focus fire technique. Meanwhile, raiders netted and killed Luckymoney’s badly damaged mountain king. Luckymoney’s footmen, still without upgrades, were killed easily. With the army dead, Drintr’s catapults easily destroyed Luckymoney’s town hall. Luckymoney had been defeated, but the game was still not over.

***

Yes, that’s right, I decided that I would design and participate in what was probably battle.net’s first debate. The debate was on whether a unilateral invasion of another country was ever justifiable. Luckymoney chose to defend unilateralism.

And here’s what he had to say:

And then:

This is what I settled for. Brownies anyone?

Peace and Love,

                              Drintr