One day, little endersshadow walked to school in the rain. His feet were dragging on the sidewalk, and he was crying because he was afraid he would have to report on another warcraft 3 game the following week. When he got to school, he opened his locker and noticed a strange note fall out. Not in the mood for secret admirers, he sighed and opened it.

"New game for a battlereport. Turn around."

Again he sighed, and turned around to face his friend Jon. Smiling, he walked up to endersshadow.

"I'm not in the mood Jon."
"That turn around part, that was pretty clever, eh?"
"Yes Jon."
"Oh sorry, the game."

Endersshadow would have liked to tell you, the reader, that he pulled out Brood War, or some equally good game. Hell, Frogger was looking good at the moment. But no. As Jon reached down into his bag, he could see him fumbling through some clear CD cases. Maybe not Brood War. But hopefully Frogger.

As Jon stood up, face alight with excitement, he held out his hand to present one of the greatest games ever made.

Click for the song. And hold onto your butt.

Jazz Jackrabbit 2 is a side scrolling game that was made in 1998. It is a small enough game to work on Windows 3.1. Endersshadow quickly learned of the game's plot, something about a mad turtle scientist who is going to go back in time and kill Jazz Jackrabbit by killing his parents using a time machine powered by the ring Jazz gave to his fiance whom the turle also kidnapped.

That was a little too much for young endersshadow to handle, so he just focused on the gameplay.

In the beginning of the game it asked him which character he wanted to play as, the pretty-boy Jazz or his brother Spaz. Endersshadow laughed at the writer's wit at naming characters, and chose Spaz, or the orange one, because of his abiliy to perform a double jump at will. (Jazz instead has a hover ability, but like warcraft 2 there's very little difference between the two). Now, Endersshadow also noticed the heavy ordanance hanging at the side of each Rabbit. Make no doubt, this feud was personal. Endersshadow frowned at the small size of each character's kill-o-ray though, but remembering Will Smith's experience in Men In Black (anyone remember the Cricket? :P) cast away that doubt.

Because he was such a ridiculously popular kid, word spread fast that he had been given the great game. Endersshadow had just finished installing the game (maybe 3.87 seconds, tops) when FlavorOfYellow and Jon came over to visit*. We shared a few stiff drinks, laughed at those lifeless saps who still played Blizzard games** (soooo last week), and sat down at my desk. After watching the funny intro video, we fired up the game and got to work.
*=Use my bathroom and kitchen.
**=Us.

We gamed. Oh how we gamed.

We gamed far into the night, and still farther into the day, all the while growing little stubble around our still developing chins. The thing we quickly learned about JJ2 is that it's much harder than it looks, especially using a keyboard. Spaz can move faster than Speedy Gonzalez across the screen, and landing on a ledge that is about a quarter cm wide (rounding up) after jumping requires more concentration than a staring contest with a wall. However, this was the only real problem we experienced. The enemies of JJ2, which consist mainly of slow moving turtles, faster moving turtles, turtles on jetpacks, and bomb-toting turtles, were all put on the endangered species list with a volley of Spaz's kill-o-ray.

---

It was when FlavorOfYellow's sleep deprived head finally collapsed on my hardwood desk that I called it a day. We would reconvene the following day to beat the turtle queen, the boss of the first of 60+ levels. This plan quickly desolved though as Jon slipped unnoticed into my bathroom, and FlavorOfYellow rested his head in my fridge. I sighed, and let them run gleefully back to my room. We were going back.

I specifically remember the third level, a jungle scape map approximately 196 x 196.

"Dan, what the hell are you doing."
"God, you havn't moved in over a minute, let someone else on you idiot."
"FlavorOfYellow, Jon, shhhh."
"?"
"?"
"I'm looking for the minimap so I can take a screenshot."
"..."
"..."

What resulted was a metrosexual pillow toss, in which Jon was of course was the victor seeing as he's the most metrosexual and all. (On an interesting side note, both Jon and Flavor have mastered the sound of a question mark). Back to the game!

This level was cool because if you freed the Fruitloops mascot from his cage he would follow you and shoot down your enemies. His shallow allegiance was quickly discovered though as a bomb from some damn turtle hit me. Not fit to be with a master who can hit by bombs and somehow still survive, the bird promptly left me. Bitch.

More levels and bosses were played, and more bosses and levels were beaten. We quickly mastered the unassuming game, our lives one with it. But it was coming to a close. Endersshadow's bathroom by that time was unhealthy for human use, and his cupboard was bare. Guess you know who's never coming over again. It is safe to assume that over 7.5 liters of coke...a cola... were consumed playing the damned game. Pupils dialated, stomachs keeling over and dying, we finally succumbed and stopped playing. Muffled "bye"'s were exchanged by all parties in attendance, and full grown beards were stroked and twisted around fingers. The door closed behind FlavorOfYellow and Jon, and endersshadow slowly sank to the ground under the realization that it was over. At the 30th level, they had agreed to go ahead anyway and write the battlereport. Too bad none of them realized how short it would be.

Yay for funny chat!