Escape Velocity: N00ba

    an Escape Velocity: Nova report

Those of you who mistakenly thought this was an Eldritch Evil BR, be advised: I am neither eldritch nor evil.  Evil is not the trademark of a man whose BW ladder rating is consistently stuck under 1100, and 'eldritch' cannot fittingly characterize one who plays Terran like a drunken benglaas.  Further, you may find this report to be a bit more about gameplay than the benchmark for EV: N reports.  And yes, you may find yourself in bed with a beautiful woman tomorrow morning.

Now that that's been cleared up, it is fitting to begin with the history leading up to this report.  Months ago, we were all awed and dazzled by the innovation of EE's first EV:N report.  In the days since that fateful event, EV:N has finally been ported to PC, thus opening the way for your intrepid narrator to take it for a spin and once again demonstrate his n00bishness.  Despite the fact that this is a 'newbie' report, the author recommends that any readers not familiar with EV:N first read one of EE's fine reports.  This step is essential to avoid taking up too much of your life with explanations, because we all know you have other pictures to look at in your leftover time.  (^____________________^)

My starship, the Cardinal Virtue, started out like any other pathetic dinghy in the vast cosmos of space, at a little port not far from Sol.  Just as events befell Lord Zod before me, a clone (Number 11458) of the ubiquitous, senile man known as 'Gary' accosted me before takeoff.  Curious as to what advice he might had to offer, and wanting to contrast with the stark, monomaniacal approach Zod had taken, I agreed to take him to Journey's End.

After we continued through a few stops, it became clear that this man had nothing of value to offer, except sagely noting that prices were low when the trading display read 'LOW,' and that we should sell when the display showed prices as 'HIGH.'  In the light of such brilliance and remarkable savvy, an executive decision had to be made.  Gary No. 11458 was quarantined to the Brig for displaying signs of infectious stupidity, pending delivery of his corpse to Journey's End.

During this time, the intrepid Cardinal Virtue had not been idle, managing to wander into several firefights.

However, contrary to all instinct, such reckless joyriding around live firefights proved ultimately economically beneficial, as it enabled me to pick up my first real work:

My joy knew no bounds.  I decided to express this penultimate moment of glee by slamming my fist on the keyboard.  Oops.  Sorry, esteemed passengers.  I hope you weren't planning to come back for that ship of yours.

We made landfall in Syracuse, and it was only then that I began to understand the sort of desperate, fallen world humanity now occupied.  With only 13,000 credits to my name, the poor would still take any excuse to kill me for my money.

I became determined to climb higher in the world.  Picking up a load of pelts from the source, which should yield a hefty profit once I found some place to sell them, I made my way to Sol.  There, I checked up on the used vehicles.  A very long climb it was, indeed.  Poking around for more firefights, I discovered a disturbing phenomenon: everything gets destroyed before you can loot anything.

In many respects, this sort of encounter epitomizes EV:N.  You can't help but feel a sense of loss and waste as so many grand ships are casually blown away before your eyes.  (This is, of course, not because of the noble and heroic soldiers within who are reduced to ash, but rather, because of the loss of potential profit.)  With its quirky method of saving, EV:N resembles an RTS in that any missed opportunities are missed for good; there is no going back to a saved state and replaying an encounter.

At any rate, I jumped from port to port, berating my crewmen for whoring like sailors (which they were), and generally amassing profit and callously ignoring the deaths of other humans in nearly every star system I visited.  Lo and behold, soon the time came to move up in the world.

And then I rescued a fair maiden, recaptured her kingdom from evil bandits, and shagged happily ever after.

Game over.

What, no, really.

Don't you believe me?  Where's the trust nowadays?

Oh, fine, fine.  You got me.  You see, the purchase of the Heavy Shuttle, whose features included two light cannons (insert evil grin), was not an end at all.  No; it was a beginning.  The beginning of the end.

With a newer and more refined crew, I found I had to spend less on antibiotics for the men after each time we left port.  Yes, I continued my old habits.  It seemed wherever I went, I found trouble, or if I wasn't looking for it, trouble found me.  Eventually, I started to become accustomed to dodging and weaving through lanes of fire, and I learned to watch fights closely to pick off the stragglers.  This resulted in my first capture attempt:

My only thought as I beheld the screen was, "lame."

You have to freaking REGISTER to try out capturing ships?  As if ships that fly by and message you to "Register Escape Velocity Nova now!" aren't enough, all the interesting features are disabled, too?  Give me a break . . . after I grumbled about this for several moments, and boggled over the fact that an Auroran fighter pirate had NO ammo or cash on him, I decided to take the energy.

  Weak. 

A ship with no cargo, no credits, and no ammo remaining still has a hair-trigger intruder alarm that turns it into an instant fireball.  Apparently, as funnymarx once put it, logic was told to sit in the back with common sense and morality.

Some time after this fiasco, I was performing the usual runs through systems near Sol when a thought occurred to me: why not swing by the Auroran systems?  Of course, my men, staunch loyal Federation crewmembers, soundly protested.  However, their protests were cut short when I withheld their normal doses of medicine.  While they were occupied with the unnatural burning sensation in their loins, I made headway for the Auroran Empire.

My trip took me first to Gefjon to settle unfinished business, and to investigate a source of Opals.  I had previously encountered a high demand for the items in the Lotus system.  While I made an uneventful Opal run, I did see the startling sight of multiple EMP tornados being used in combat between a Pirate Manticore and a Fed Destroyer and its accompanying fighters.  The fighters were decimated in the time I reached across my keyboard to hit the screenshot button, which should tell you about the relative firepower these craft carry.

Finally, I arrived at Tichel where I hoped to penetrate Auroran space (denoted Red in the map above).  That's when I noted a funny thing about travel across borders.  While the EV:N manual tells you that the Feds and Aurorans naturally hate one another, they also note that traders are welcome in either place.  What they fail to tell you is that Feds will get very unhappy about someone crossing the boarder. Lo and behold, no sooner had I entered hyperspace coordinates in my system for Unin, than the nearby Fed destroyers and gunboats began targeting me!  I was too panicked to take screenshots.  Fortunately, a nearby asteroid field bore the brunt of the fire, and I escaped into hyperspace with no shielding and approximately 40% armor.

I was welcomed into the open arms of Mother Aurora. 

Tune in next time, as el_sux0r tangles with the dreaded Drop Bear!

This entire report was produced in one sitting, including the time spent playing.  No knup-knups, stuffed or otherwise, were harmed in the production of this report.

This has been an el_sux0r presentation.