From whence do the paper-geniuses come from? Is there a breeding ground for such a race of trumped-up, self-inflated fools? What motivates this special strain of person to hone his knowledge of the English language to such a fine edge, for the sole purpose of deriding others for their lack of such knowledge?

These are the questions that I hope to answer in this 3-part essay, for the problem of the paper-genius is a rampant one. It seems as if a new paper-genius is born every few seconds, as the disease of on-line persona envy is as infectious as ebola. Fed by the forum-board flames they become bloated on a steady diet of their own high perceptions of themselves, while their mere presence corrupts every truly intelligent thought around them. It is an epidemic that strikes at the very people that they claim to be; the open-minded, learned individuals, with the knowledge to create, and the maturity to realize that wording means nothing if the content is meaningless. It is my hope that upon exposing the pasty-white underbelly of the paper-genius that he may be wiped out, and the internet can become what it was meant to be. That, of course, is a network for exchanging ideas and information.

The origin of the paper genius is hazy, however many people believe that the breed can claim Stan Merkocziwitz as its earliest ancestor. Stan, an English major with a cumulative gpa of 2.6, was attending UCLA at the time of the internet’s inception, and since his roommate was a computer engineer he was exposed to the world wide web much sooner than most people. After obtaining permission from his roommate to “surf the web” while he was away at class, Stan dove headfirst into the digital world.

From the moment his fingers touched the keys, Stan was enthralled. At that time there was only a few thousand web sites to be visited, and the content was lacking in most of them, but to make of for that deficiency, the internet provided its surfers with “Forums”, which allowed its users to express their ideas on a medium that could be read by anyone around the world. While many perceived the forums as great tools for exchanging ideas and information, Stan saw them as a way to fulfill all of his unrealized boyhood dreams.

Though he was of average height in the real world, in cyberspace he could claim to be 6’2” and no-one would be the wiser. From there, he became a member of the practice squad for the UCLA basketball team, from which he was soon promoted to “the indescribably talented young man whose career was brought to an end by a tragic knee injury.” The people that read his sad story all knew that if he had not been hampered by the weakened tendons and bones that resulted from that injury, Stan Merkocziwitz would have been the greatest basketball player this world has ever known. The sympathy that rained down upon his was a balm for his flaring acne, and left him craving more.

That’s how the paper-genius phenomena began, as once Stan realized that online he could be a nationally recognized sports superstar, the step up to world-renowned English genius was a natural one. He did have some learning, and more importantly, he had all of the text-books that were required to gain English knowledge.

His crusade to correct the English of every forum board poster on the internet began with a bang, as at that time the internet was just taking off, and along with that popularity came the mass’s interest with emoticons, abbreviations, and run-on sentences. It had been believed, until the coming of Stan, that the internet was a place where the idea was what mattered, and therefore people wrote freely on the forums, with no fear of retribution. Such people were fodder for Stan’s righteous indignation, and hundreds felt the burn of his harsh words as he used his English books to wreak havoc on their happy little discussions.

Claiming to be a professor of English Literature and Composition, Stan shattered the illusion that a person’s ideas could be accepted without the sugar-sweet coating of perfect form and diction. He raved at the ignorance of people who failed to space their paragraphs, and professed in capital letters his disdain for those simple-minded peasants who deigned to express their emotions by way of the emoticon. Such things were not in his English book, and therefore they were not acceptable.

However, though his wrath was felt by many, and his demeaning words stopped uncounted housewives, students, and grandparents from posting on his forums, it was not enough. Stan soon realized that if he were to truly achieve his ambition, which was to be recognized world-wide as an English genius, he would have to leave his small, comfortable realm, which consisted of mostly neighborhood and school bulletin boards, and move on to the forums of the Universities.

As the big fish in the little pond, Stan had come to realize that, although his knowledge was in reality only a façade, he was in fact the smartest person in the world. He had cowed many a housewife into an apology for misspelling a word, had shouted down a farmer who had suggested that the structure really didn’t matter as long as the person could be understood, and backed up his claim of knowing more about English than anyone on the Southtown Middle School’s fourth grade forum. He was an English god, and it was time for everyone to know it.

His first post on UCLA’s forums took him seven hours and eighteen minutes to write. It was a masterpiece, with nought a miss-spelled word, run-on sentence, or incorrectly placed punctuation to be seen. In it, he introduced himself as Professor Smith, and professed his interest in helping anyone who needed tutoring in English, as there was nothing about the language that he did not know. He was sure that, with the support of his English books, he would soon force the university’s forum goers to recognize him as the preeminent source for English knowledge, thus fulfilling his dreams of finally being respected.

However, unfortunately for Stan, he had chosen a forum which was frequented by many of the best minds in the business, and they did not take kindly to Stan’s claims of English omnipotence. Through a series of posts, they proceeded to dismantle Stan, some even going so far as to correct HIS English. It was an apocalypse for Stan, and to this day stands as the single greatest flaming of any paper-genius. He had lost everything. After being forced to realize that he was in fact a very average, inexperienced twenty-five year old, he fled UCLA, and went to live in the Appalachian mountain range in West Virginia. There, he could be reasonably sure of being the only person who had ever attended college. After a promising start, during which he formed a cult and wrote a cryptic statement of purpose, he died, as the only person to drink the poisoned kool-aid.

Stan’s legacy, though, is still with us. Leaving behind him a wake of annoyed, hateful people, he began a trend of one-upmanship, which still continues today. The internet would never again be a free exchange of ideas, as the paper-geniuses that are following in Stan’s footsteps will not rest until every post is flawlessly structured, and contains perfect diction.

In the next portion of this essay, titled “The Present”, we will explore the implications of Stan’s actions, and the effect that they have had on our present-day world. Until then, please remember to ignore the paper-geniuses, as their diet consists of recognition and falsely-placed respect. Without it they will surely shrivel up and die, leaving the rest of us free to misspell and run-on with impunity.

Only You Can Prevent Forum Fires.