I never really saw anything until that first day that I
couldn’t see anything. Umm, maybe that’s a little confusing to who ever might
be trying to read this so I better explain what it is you are reading and how
it came to be. First of all I got to wonder why it is you are reading my
personal diary and how you came to read it. There are only two possibilities
that come to mind. First would be because I am dead and they found this among
my personal effects and now you are reading it to determine if it has any
value. If this is the case I can tell you it’s worthless and you might as well
save yourself the time and throw it away right now. The second possibility is
you were rummaging through my shit looking for something worth stealing. In
this case, since you probably didn’t realize how I had it sealed to detect just
such an intrusion, I can only tell you that you must live life to it’s fullest
in the last few days of life you have. Because it will only take me that long
to hunt you down. You have at most two days. So now you might as well enjoy it
motherfucker since the price of admission was your life!

So in either case, either I am dead or you soon will be.
What does it matter? We are all just an insignificant speck of fly shit on the
head of a pin in the grand scheme of things, and neither your life nor mine
counts for much. You see what I am talking about now? I could have never
thought such a thought, let alone expressed it had it not been for that day
when my eyes were opened. You know, the one I told you about in the opening
sentence, the thing I am trying to explain to you now. Aww screw it, how could
you possibly understand if you were dumb enough to steal a diary? Well maybe
you’re some one else. OK, I will try and explain it so just plain folks will understand.

You see I started this diary a couple days after my
experience. It’s just that it was so big and significant for me, that I did not
want to forget any detail, any nuance of the experience. But I am getting ahead
of myself. First of all allow me to introduce myself. I am Detomaso Pantera. My
friends call me Deto for short. I am a jarhead or Marine for all you who have
not had the honor to serve in the mighty U.E.D. forces. In fact part of the
reason for me writing all this shit down is to explain stuff to non-combatants
when and if I ever get home.

I think that the best place to start is the first day of
self-awareness. From there I will explain the way things really are. They are
not what you have been told and what the U.E.D. wants you to believe. You
should just be glad that you didn’t have to go through what I did to figure it
all out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know it is customary to have a diary with dates. Believe
me when I tell you that I would love to be able to oblige. The reason that I
can’t put down dates is that they won’t tell us what date it is. The “official”
UED explanation is that earth time and dates are irrelevant because of all the
different systems we travel to and hyperspace and warp drive distort time so
much that it no longer has meaning. That is a pure crock of shit to hide the
real reason that they won’t let you know the real date. When I signed up for
this tour of duty I had a choice. The judge said that I could either serve six
years as a space marine or I could spend the rest of my life in prison. Which I
think was a little harsh, I mean after all I only hit the fucker once. How was
I to know he would die from that? I mean that bastard used to beat me every day
as far back as I can remember. I mean he tried to kill me type of beating. He
used to throw me down and kick me in the kidneys till I would pee blood for the
next couple of days. I’m just lucky he was a weak faggot guy and not like my
real father who was just about as big as I am now. At least that’s what my mom
told me some time before she hung herself with her panty hose. She was cold by
the time I found her and cut her down. So the little dick head starts yelling
at me and saying that her killing herself was my fault because of me being a
worthless piece of shit and all and he goes to grab me to throw me down to kick
on me only instead of me falling down like I was supposed to, I ah, kind of
pushed back a little bit. You know, not very hard or anything, just kind of a
little, hey get off of me kind of push. How was I to know that it would drive
the clothes hook on the back of the door through the back of his skull and into
his brain? I mean if he hadn't been drunk he could have caught himself before
he hit so really it’s his fault don’t you think? I mean yeah sure things probably
would have gone better for me in court if I had acted all broke up about it,
but that’s kind of hard to do when you are happy for the first time in your
life. I mean I was glad he was dead, not all sad and shit. I kind of missed my
mom though; she was fun when she got drunked up. Which was pretty often
actually. So here I was, sixteen years old, no living relatives that I knew of,
and faced with one of the biggest decisions of my life. Jail for life or
marines for six years? Well what would you have chosen?

So the reason that they won’t let you know the date is so
you don’t know when your time is up. I have yet to meet anyone who was sent
“home” in anything other than a body bag or DNA file. That’s right, since most
of us die in combat anyway; no one really suspects that we may actually never
be sent home for having served our time. All I know is it seems like I been
here a really long time. So anyway that is why there are no dates in my diary
so I will just say like first day after I could think and a few days later and
so on. And with that out of the way I will explain to you how I came to be so
super smart. Don’t worry, I will explain it to you in terms you can understand,
which is proof of my super brain, which is being able to explain things to
people who aren’t as smart as you. So on to day 1.

 

 

 

 

Day 1.

I call this day one because it was the day that I became
able to think. I mean I could think before to brush my teeth, tie my shoes, and
know when I am hungry, horny and stuff like that. It’s just I never thought
about much of anything else. I did ok in school cause if I didn’t I would get
another beating, so I learned to find out what the teacher wanted and pretend
like I actually understood what they were talking about. I paid close
attention.

That first day started like a lot of my days. We were
fighting some toss on Auir at this place called “Lost Temple”. What a bull shit
name. Most of the campaigns fought are fought right here. I mean every one in
the universe knows were this place is. It ain’t lost. It’s probably the
bloodiest little piece of ground in the all of existence. Like that expression?
I would have never been able to put words together like that before this day.
I’ve been here so much I know all the good places to hide and where good ambush
places are and well, I know this place better than I did that place I call
“home”.

So it was our watch and we were hunkered in a bunker. Each
one of us was scanning his gun port when Cletis says, “Hey man, check this
out!” We all go over to Cletis’s port and see a little toss ship of some kind
way out of range. It wasn’t what we call a scout because it was too little to
be that and I had seen plenty of those and would have recognized it right away.
It was bigger than the interceptor robot thingies that come from carriers
though. Then from a distance I saw a scout pulling up even with the little ship
and just then the little ship fired on our bunker. That was the last thing I
saw for awhile because of the super thick white smoke that was everywhere. Shit!
This is it. I knew if it was poison gas we would be ok cause our suits would
protect us but if it was some kind of acid, it wasn’t going to be pleasant. I
held my breath and closed my eyes waiting to feel the sting of death. After
awhile I could no longer hold my breath so I breathed in. Shit! Whatever it was
had seeped through my suit somehow and now I was breathing this shit. Oh No! It
burned my mouth, throat and lungs as it went down and gave them a kind of
tingley sensation. Kind of like that smelly shit they put on you when you pull
a muscle real bad. That’s how my lungs and throat felt. I started coughing
uncontrollably. But it didn’t hurt. In fact it felt pretty good. And even
though I continued to cough I felt great. My sight returned. Not my eyeball
sight, it still couldn’t see shit. It was my inner vision. I began to see my
place in the cosmos. I saw how frail and insignificant I was. I came to realize
that our gracious hosts, the mighty Protoss, were actually superior beings and
they were doing us a favor by exterminating us. In fact it was a crime that my
comrades and myself would waste the precious time of the Protoss scout pilot
who was outside hammering away on our bunker. In fact we should help him in his
task but the beautiful colors that the sounds made had me so distracted, the
thought of any kind of violence made me want to puke. Flowers began to pop out
of the cracks being formed on the bunker walls by our benefactor’s bullets. The
butterfly that perched itself on the end of my impaler rifle was so beautiful
that I started to weep with awe and admiration. The rifle was ugly instrument
of destruction and I began to let it fall to the floor when I heard from
thousand miles away a familiar voice. I listened with all my conscience effort
that I could muster. Where had I heard that voice before? It was so familiar. I
had heard it thousands of times. A warm feeling of love and respect came over
me. I felt like a puppy must feel like when feeding from it’s mothers teat. All
warm and content like. What was the voice saying? I focused really hard to make
it out. “ Get your goddamned asses out of that motherfucking bunker you bunch
of worthless cocksuckers!” It was the commander, and he loved us. Everybody
loves the commander. Even those vulture jockeys. They just act that way to be
tough. They just have this attitude and everyone hates even talking to them.
How they could be so disrespectful to the commander, I could never figure out.
We all love the commander.

So before you know it, even though we still could not see
with our normal eyes, we had booked it out of the bunker and into the clear.
Just then the commander hit us with stim. OMG. What a rush! Still high as a
kite and now a full hit of stim. I love stim. It makes you feel like you can
take on the whole world all by yourself. Everything seems like slow motion even
though you are moving faster than you ever have before in your whole life. You
can lift and carry stuff you could never even think about without it. So what
if you bleed a little internally and your heart feels like it’s going to
explode. (It sometimes does, but what a way to go) It feels like you got bugs
crawling underneath your skin and you just got to do something! The other three
guys opened up on the scout but I noticed that the other ship was in range now
so I gave him a dose of lead. Apparently he had been mixing it up with a Golie
that the scout had managed to take out because before he could get all turned
around to run away he fell from the sky under my impalers sights. I was slamming
home clips like a mad man as I turned to help finish the scout, which managed
to kill Cletus before it popped. Just then we looked over and there was this
Achron monster guy only he was so pissed off he had turned all red! Now I had
seen these guys before and knew what bad news they were, but I had never seen
one so pissed off that he actually turned red. I knew right then and there that
we were all dead men. Just then he acted like he was going to hammer us but
instead he did something to us. It’s like I was frozen only I wasn’t cold. I
couldn’t move at all. I had no control over my body at all. There was something
wrong with my brain I couldn’t move. I felt my bladder empty itself but I
couldn’t control it. I couldn’t do a thing. It seemed like it was hours this
way but I don’t know how long it was. When I could finally move the battle had
moved into the toss base already. I was the only one left from the bunker. No
one was there, I was totally alone. I began to move slowly to where the battle
was still feeling the effects of this last little stimulus. I noticed that the
little toss ship was only a little ahead of me so I went to check it out.
Usually stuff blows up so bad you don’t know for sure what it is you are
looking at but this time it was fairly intact. I got a real good look. It was
my first time to see a toss ship almost fully intact. Pretty high tech shit too
be sure. I noticed that there was a large compartment almost filled with what
appeared to be some kind of green sort of straw looking stuff. I picked one up.
It weighed about a kilo or so and was tightly packed organic matter. I put it
in a plastic ammo wrap along with another one and went over to my secret place
and buried them. This looked to me to be the stuff that the smoke was made of.
It may come in handy later because I knew I would be back here on this
miserable piece of ground fighting for my life and the glory of the UED.

Later that night when the Doc was checking me out at the
infirmary he said that he had some bad news for me. He said that because of
what happened all in a row like that, I am permanently brain damaged and they
can’t fix it. I asked if it was bad enough that I could be sent home. He
laughed and said you don’t have to be very smart to pull a trigger when you are
told. I laughed with him and said something like I guess not, ha ha. But I was
already plotting how I would make this asshole pay. He will get his, trust me.

 

 

 

A couple of days later.

I had just field stripped Vlad and was cleaning him when it
occurred to me that I was also using my newfound gift. I was thinking about
something while I was doing something else. I think that was the first time I
could do that. I think. I called him Vlad after my drill instructor. Master
Sergeant Vladimir Kovalenko. He is probably the nicest person that I have ever
met. He is probably the only one who has ever truly cared about me. I owe this
man my life many times over. I can not really describe the amount of awe and
respect I have for this man so I did the next best thing and that was to name
my most treasured possession after him. Vlad the Impaler! Has a nice ring to it
doesn’t it? Sort of like it was meant to be. Smart people like me have a word
to describe things that were just meant to be. We call it fetalism.

“If there is only one thing you swinging dicks take out of
this camp, it is your weapon is your life! You care and protect it and it will
do the same for you!” These are his own real words, word for word exactly. I
mean he said a lot of other words I remember. When I first meet him it was like
he had known me my whole life. He just took one look at me and said, “ YOU ARE
THE MOST WORTHLESS SHIT-EATING MAGGOT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE!” He
went on to say a whole bunch more but I think you can see, he did not even have
to talk to me or anything and he knew me exactly. He could read my mind too
which was real scary. Like when he was holding my head in the toilet because I
hadn’t gotten it clean enough with my toothbrush he said, “ YOU WANT TO KILL ME
DON”T YOU FAGGOT-MAGGOT?” I mean how could he have known that without having
read my mind? I think there was something wrong with his hearing though cause
he was always shouting as hard as he could and if you didn’t yell back at him
load enough he would say “ I CAN’T HEAR YOU LADIES!” Oh yeah he had some gender
confusion too cause he thought we were girls. Other than that the nicest guy
who had ever lived. He took good care of me. Got to stop talking about him now
or I’ll get all choked up.

So I took what Vlad said about things as gospel truth.
Except for this one time that I am about to tell you about now. He was right
about this too I just thought I knew better but boy was I wrong! I was sitting
there cleaning Vlad and three of my buddies were playing a computer game. One
of them looked at me and said “Hey Deto, you want to come with us latter and
butt fuck Mr. Burns the science vessel guy?” I looked at Rufus the Duffass and
said “No thanks! I don’t go that shit.” And so he says, “Are you sure? We could
really use you to help hold him down cause he don’t go that shit either!” Just
as the words left his mouth, Annie, the hottest looking medic in camp walked
right by us. Oh shit. Even though she pretended not to notice us, like she
always did except when we were spurting blood all over, I just know she heard
every word of this last conversation. And she’s just like all the medics, a
prick tease who has her head stuck so far up the commanders ass that he can’t
sit down comfortably. I’ll bet you anything she is going to report us the
minute she is out of our sight. I looked at Rufus and said “Way to go dumbass.
If I wind up doing KP over this I am going to make an exception for my no butt
fucking rule just for you!” He looked away and said nothing more. He knew what
I meant. I have no qualms about making people pay for fucking with me. It keeps
things honest that way.

I finished with Vlad and walked over behind Rufus and stuck
the barrel in the back of his neck and lowered the firing pin on the empty
chamber. I can’t be sure but I think he emptied his bladder at that moment. I
turned and walked off.

I just rounded the corner when much to my surprise Annie got
right in my face. “What do they call you soldier?”

“Uhhh Deto, Uhh yes mamn they call me Deto, Mam!”

“So do you think you’re some kind of stallion or something?”

“Uhh no Mam I think I am a Marine Mam.”

“Shut the fuck up you are a piece of shit do you here me? I
want you to report the furthest most supply depot on the Northeast corner of
camp at 2300 hours you got that shit for brains?”

“Aye, aye mam I will report to the Northeast extreme depot
at 2300 hours mam!”

With that she walked off like she was all pissed off. Yep.
I’m going to have to do Rufus.

 

2300 hours.

Well it was actually about 2250 and I was booking it to the
pre assigned depot. I had a rendezvous with Lieutenant Ann Porkley. I was
wearing my best smell-um and was groomed to the nines. I mean chances are she
is just going to have me do a bunch of push-ups while yelling at me for not
respecting her and all but you never know. She may be there to personally thank
me for standing beside her in combat a couple of weeks ago and killing a couple
of those dragon looking bugs that shoot stingers out their asses. Actually one
of the things I have learned is that you never want to get too far from a medic
on the battlefield. There are lots of little things like that that have made me
the old man of the battlefields. I mean there are lots of guys older than me
like the battle cruiser captains and senior officers, but I am pretty old for a
ground pounder. I bet I’m almost twenty or so. Most of the guys come on to the
battlefield sixteen or seventeen. They leave one day older in a DNA vial or
body bag.

You see sergeant Kovalenko had always said that while you
were in the Corps, one of the best ways to avoid pain was to keep your little
soldier where he belonged, which was in your uniform. I had always followed
every word he had said without exception, but on this I thought he might be a
little wrong cause of his gender confusion problem. I mean he was always
calling us dickless and saying how we didn’t have any balls and we were nothing
but a bunch of pussies and stuff. Why would he tell us to keep wee Willie in
our pants if he didn’t think we had one? He got confused about sex, I think.
Any way this was totally different. I loved Annie. I knew it was love because
everytime I saw her I would get a woody. I am not even talking about her being
naked or wearing tight clothes or anything. Although if that opportunity had
presented itself I would have not turned away. I am talking about just looking
at her face and listening to her voice. She had skin so white and creamy I bet
it would shine in the dark. And I bet her hair is real soft and smells good
too. I mean if that ain’t true love, what the hell is? So for some reason I am
just about as nervous as ten seconds before landing in a hot zone in a shuttle.
I hope I don’t start to sweat too much.

 I enter the depot
and see it is half empty/full of the basic gauss shells. That means the quarter
master corps will not disturb us since U238 had been available for quite some
time now. This stuff would not be needed till the next amphibious assault. For
some reason that’s what we called establishing an invasion point on a new
planet. I think it was one of those words invented a long time ago that don’t
mean anything particular any more. The reason we keep using this old stuff is
the same reason that makes the new stuff so good. Weight. When you are just
starting up on a planet, every once you have to transport carries a premium. A
can of U238 weighs double what a box of as Pb207.2 weighs. Yeah for some reason
the metals that they are made of differ that much even though they are the
exact same size. Don’t you just love how scientist keep coming up with this
cool shit?

Annie comes out from behind some crates and says “State the
nature of your medical emergency.”

I said “huh?”

She gave me a sexy look and said, “where does it hurt?”

OMG! I thought my gun was going to rip right through my
space suit. It did start to hurt, really I’m not joking, and it was starting to
ache for her. Oh God I loved her so hard, I mean much! So being the man of
eloquence that I am. I dropped my pants down around my ankles.

She said, “Oh, I see your boo-boo.”

I had never heard it called that before.

“Come here and let me take care of that for you.”

I waddled over just as fast as I could. Pants around the
ankles are not the most graceful way to cross a room. Besides my flagpole
limited the velocity at which I could safely travel. When I got close to her
she pulled her healing gun from behind her back and said “ this is so we will
not have to worry about nasty diseases and unwanted pregnancy. She pointed it
at my little soldier and it hummed. The gun, not the soldier. I looked down and
the little hole that you pee out of was no longer there. WTF? She quickly took
out a hypo-inoculator and gave me a shot. “That's just a little painkiller and
some medicine to keep him at attention for a long enough time so that I can
enjoy this. OK?” I nodded my head but already I couldn’t feel a thing down
there. She then got on me kind of like piggyback only facing me and then stuck
something in my neck. STIM! Ahhh that’s the stuff, she would heal the damage,
then stim again. I lost track of all the heart attacks, let alone the number of
times that I, well you know! It kept up this way for days, well I’m not real
sure how long but it could have been days. So this is what sex is like huh? I
couldn’t feel a thing. Actually with all the heart attacks and broken bones and
stuff that I got flopping around, I can’t say I really enjoyed it all that
much. But Annie seemed to be having a good time so at least there was that. In
fact it seemed that the more I got hurt, the more fun she had. Yep, maybe I was
a stud muffin after all.

Now the next part isn’t real clear in my memory. Either she
gave me something that knocked me out or I just plain passed out. I can’t
remember. I just remember waking up in the supply depot having to pee really
badly. Only I couldn’t cause there was nowhere for it to come out. I remember
crawling to the infirmary because I had such a high fever; I could not stand
up. When I got there the Doc took one look and said, “I see you have meet our
Annie.” I didn’t say anything because I was in a lot of pain and did not feel
like socializing at the moment. He took one of those little knife things and
reopened my talliewacker. Even though that hurt a little the relieving of
pressure was worth it. I was peeing blood again. I had not done that since my
stepdad had died. Oh well. So this is what being in love is like? Now I
understood why my stepdad beat my mom. Kind of pay back for her trying to kill
him through sex. It all made sense to me now. I think Annie must really love me
a lot because I almost died over the next few days. It took me about a week to
heal up enough to walk. This is strange because that time I got shot in the
right lung, I was up next day hauling my bottle around the ward. (They had to
stick a tube in my side so my lung could re-inflate.) So it surprised me that
sex was harder to recover from than a bullet wound.

So in a way the sarge was right. If you wanted to avoid
pain… Man he was one smart son of a bitch.

 

 

About a week later.

When it came to be check out time at the infirmary the doc
sat me down and looked at me real serious like. He said he had some bad news.
He said that I had been overdosed on stim, painkillers, nitrates and something
called endomorphs or endocrines or something like that. Any way he says I am severely
brain damaged. In fact he does not quit understand how it is I can still walk
and talk and chew gum and stuff. Hell, I don’t understand how I do that stuff
either; I just do it, no big deal. So he goes on to say that he wants me to lay
off the booze so I can save a few brain cells for important shit. Yeah, right,
what’s more important than slamming down the malt on a hot day? And how can I
continue to smoke my cigs if I don’t have booze to go with them? Besides if it
was bad for you would it be free for you when you are OD in a hot zone? I mean
UED wouldn’t be giving their valuable soldiers something that was bad for them
now would they?

Deep down I knew the doc was on to something. I found it
harder to think and the more time that had passed from day one, the worse it
got. The only way I could think now was to go off by myself and close my eyes
and try real hard. Sort of like when you are constipated and have to strain. I
knew I had to figure out a way to get some D-web only without experiencing its
repercussions first hand. I was just lucky to survive my first encounter. Most
guys are not that lucky. You do not find too many guys around who live to tell
about it. They are usually vaporized or have big bullet holes where their belly
buttons used to be. It was defiantly a dangerous drug.

So I am sitting there trying real hard to figure out how to
regain my superior mental capabilities. I knew that soon we would revisit the
lost temple, we always do. I remember where I had stashed my treasure and knew
I could access the stash if I did not die right away. Of coarse I could die at
any time so there was nothing special there. But how can I use my stuff to make
D-web? Shit it would take some kind of scientist to figure that out. You know;
a scientist. You mean like Mr. Burns the science vessel guy? Yeah like him.
Only why would he help me? Maybe in the interests of science and the
advancement of human knowledge? Nah, he probably feels he is contributing
enough to the war effort without having to rack his brain figuring out some
weird Protoss shit. I mean just how smart could this guy be? Here he is a
civilian and he winds up in a war zone? Why? He was probably tricked into it by
some huckster who appealed to his ego. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love the
shit out of the fact he is here. Patrols and assaults would be a living hell
without him there to show us where the invisible protoss guys are and those big
ticks that bury themselves in the ground and then rip you in half with their
dicks. I would hate to go up against an Achron that hadn’t been EMP’d. And it
knocks the wind out of the high templar and prevents that nasty storm shit. And
I love when he makes hydras glow in the dark. So even if he was tricked into
coming, I’m glad he is here.

So what is it I could do that would make him want to help
me? I could beat the shit out of him and threaten him. That’s the way I usually
do things only I had this funny feeling that while he may cooperate at first,
he may be inclined to betray me later. No I need this guy to help me long term
not just with one favor. What is it that I could give this guy, that he
couldn’t get on his own? Hmmm. I know! Duffass had let slip that Mr. Burns did
not enjoy his little encounters with them. That’s what I could do. I could make
these unpleasant interludes go away. But I had to make sure that Mr. Burns knew
that I was the reason that these unpleasant little experiences had stopped. And
that as long as we continued our association he would no longer have to fear
being buggered. How could I do that? Hmmm. (that’s the sound I make when I
think)

I know I will have to put on a little show for Mr. Burns!
All I have to do is back those guys down while he is standing there. Shouldn’t
be too hard cause all three of them are pussies who are afraid of dying. I mean
how smart can someone be who is afraid of dying? After all, we are all going to
die. It’s sort of like being afraid to take a shit. You have to do it sooner or
latter so what difference does it make when? Yep, that was the plan and once Burns
was helping me, we could figure the rest out latter. I love being a genus!

 

 

 

 

Two days later.

I overheard Whilke the wimp tell Rufass the duffass that Mr.
Burns was scheduled to be in his office tonight. Rufus hushed him, but I
pretended like I didn’t even know they were there. They walked off and
continued to whisper. Well it’s time to put my plan into action. This is what
makes it all worth while. I was going to enjoy this.

I walked up to Mr. Burns’s office and knocked on the door.
He did not answer at first so I knocked again. A nervous, stressed,
high-pitched voice asked who was there?

I said “Mr. Burns? Can you tell me where to find Mr. Burns?”

“Why do you want to see Mr. Burns? What business do you have
with him? Who are you?”

“I’m private Detomaso Pantera. I have a sample of Protoss
technology that I was told he could examine. If you could just tell me were to
find him I will be on my way.”

The door slowly opened to reveal a short little guy who
trembled and stuttered when he said, “Are you alone?”

“I’m alone but I overheard some of the guys downstairs say
they were going to pay you a little visit latter and I don’t want to get in the
way of you and your friends so if I could show you this stuff real quick I will
be on my way before they arrive.”

“NO, I mean no hurry, come on in. Take your time. I am sure
you being here when they arrive will be of no bother. Your name again?”

“Oh, you can just call me Deto. Everyone else does.”

“My but you are a big one aren’t you? How big are you Deto?”

“I’m about 6’3”. I used to be 6’4” but staying low on the
battlefield has left me kind of bent over. I carry about 250 lbs. except when I
get all dehydrated after a long battle, and then I tilt the scales at about 245
or so.”

You might think this reaction is a little unusual but most
everyone I meet is a little scared of me right off. They attribute it to my
size but I know better. It’s the look in my eyes. For some reason people can
tell just by looking in my eyes what a crazy fucker I really am. It’s only
natural to be afraid of me. It’s the same as being close to the edge of a tall
cliff. One misstep and you are dead. I try hard but somehow I can’t hide the
fact that I will not only kill someone in the blink of an eye, but be highly
entertained in the process. It’s my job and I enjoy it. So much so that I will
do a freebee ever now and then just for the pleasure. So people are afraid of
me when they first meet me. After they get to know me better, they are
absolutely terrified. So I am not supprised in the least by Mr. Burns reaction.

I tried to calm him down by telling him the story about how
I came into possession of the small sample of Protoss d-web making stuff,
leaving out minor details that would bore him such as why it is I needed to
figure out how to make this stuff work. He seemed way more interested in the
ship than the stuff and was asking me a bunch of questions about what I saw
inside when I asked him a question. Basically what I asked was why the hell are
you here? That’s when he just opened up and just started talking about a mile a
minute. He had been a professor at a university but he was too young to get
tender or whatever. He saw this as an opportunity to do field research, broaden
his experience, and make him more valuable in the field of acherdemia. I don’t
know, must be someplace in eyeowa or something. I had heard of people out
standing in their fields so I just figured they liked farming so much that they
hated going into their houses. I can certainly understanding someone loving his
or her work. After all, I do.         

Everything was going just fine and then he gets to the part
where he misses his wife and kids and his eyes get all wet and he starts
blubbering. I had seen my mom do this same thing before. It is a phenomenon
known as crying. Some people do this when they are all bummed out about
something. I usually just get pissed off and kill something and that makes me
feel better but other people deal with it this way. It made me kind of
uncomfortable so I just looked down at the ground. He is saying how much he
hates it here and how he has been brutilzed mercilessly. I had to stop him here
and asked him what he meant by that. He said that there were these guys that
kept picking on him. They beat him and would not leave him alone.

“Well have you asked them to stop?”

“I have begged them to stop!”

“Mr. Burns, you seem like a nice guy to me, you don’t need
to beg. If it would be OK with you I will ask them nicely to stop bothering
you. If you don’t mind of course.”

“At this point Mr. Deto I would do anything just to be left
alone.”

“No, please, just Deto, Mr. Burns. I would be delighted to
intercede on your behalf. When would be an appropriate time?”

Like it was on queue a knock came at the door. I should say
it was more like an attempt to break the door down instead of a knock. I could
hear Rufus screaming, “Open up the Goddamn door you slut!” Oh boy, it was show
time! I play acted like I was absolutely shocked to hear this. I jumped to the
door and flung it open. Whoa, Rufus about shit his pants. “Deto, what the fu…”
and before he could finish whatever he was saying, I had grabbed him by the
throat with my left hand and pinned him against the wall, his feet dangling
about a foot in the air. I looked into his eyes and there it was. The look I
have come to cherish. Like an animal caught in a trap. You know, panicked fear.
He was squirming trying to get free and breath. I had his throat closed down
but was real careful not to collapse the windpipe. After all, for this to work
Rufus and his buddies had to stay alive to be a threat to Mr. Burns. I tensed
the first two fingers of my right hand and put them almost touching his
eyeballs. “OPEN YOUR EYES RUFUS! I WANT YOU TO SEE THIS COMING!” The other guys
were standing there yelling “DETO DON’T KILL HIM MAN, DON’T KILL HIM!” Rufus
had stopped wiggling. Damn, he passed out on me. So I let him fall to the
floor. His eyes were bulged out and he was all blue but I was pretty sure he
was still alive cause he had only peeded himself and hadn’t emptied his bowels
yet. I turned and looked at the other two. “You leave me no choice. You guys
are queer, and I can’t be sharing a foxhole with any Homo. You fudge-packers
might be trying to fuck me someday when I’m wounded or something. So you see I
have to make sure now, when I can do something about it, that it don’t happen
that way. You understand of course that it’s nothing personal. I don’t hate you
or anything, and I just have to kill you for my own self-protection.”

“ But Deto, Deto, we ain’t queer, swear to God we ain’t
queer Deto!”

“Sure looks like it to me. How could I tell any different?
You guys coming up here to bother my buddy and all?”

“No man, its not like that at all, were just horny and he is
easier than trying to fuck a Bengalis!”

“Oh? And that is going to prove you’re a man and not some
cocklicker? How do I know that a woman can make you hard? How do I know that
maybe this ain’t getting your cookies off right here and now?”

“Honest to God, Deto if we could find a woman we would. I am
scared shitless right now and would do anything to convince you I’m a real man,
I swear!”

“Well tell you what, the only way I am going to be convinced
is if Annie the medic comes up to me tomorrow and tells me she had the best
gang bang of her life from you worthless pieces of shit. I don’t believe
personally that is going to happen but if it does, you guys will be of the
hook. If not, it will give me a little more time to plan your deaths so that
they will be extra painful. How’s that for being open minded and fair?”

“You won’t regret this Deto, you’ll see. We will make you
proud of us, you just wait.”

 By this time Rufus
was coughing his fool head off trying to breathe again.

“Who do you think your fooling? You guys are going to leave
here and waste your time trying to kill me instead of figuring a way into
Annie’s pants. I don’t mind. If I kill you while you are trying to kill me, it
saves me an elaborate plan on how to get out of the court martial. Either way
you are all just as dead. Its just that one way is easier for me.” By now I
could not help myself. I had a big smile. I loved this shit. It’s what I do
best.

“No Deto, you have us all wrong man, you’ll see. I swear.”

“Well stop swearing and get this piece of shit off of Mr.
Burns’ floor. You are going to need every precious second that you have.”

With that they each grabbed on of Rufus’ arms and dragged
him out with them. I just hoped I hadn’t fucked him up too bad. If he died on
me this plan would fall apart in a hurry.

I looked at Mr. Burns and his eyes were as big as dinner
plates. I just gave him my most reassuring smile I could and said,” It’s going
to be OK Mr. Burns. You’re my buddy now. I like talking with you because I
learn a lot. You don’t need to have the aggravation of having to put up with
those assholes. You are too important to have to deal with that.”

“ Are you really going to kill them in cold blood like
that?” he was kind of shaking like he was cold or something.

“Them? Oh hell no. You know guys like that are clumsy and
usually have terrible accidents happen to them on the battlefield. I have seen
it happen a million times. They will be hanging on to a cliff with a zergling
jumping up to try and tear them apart and someone will accidentally step on
their fingers and well you know how it goes. You have probably seen a lot of
that from your SV to be sure.”

“Oh in deed I have. Some of the things I have seen. Would
you like to hear some of them?”

“Well I would love to Mr. Burns, I would love to hear your
stories.”

I sat there for hours with a big grin on my face listening
to Burnsie recount his tragic war experience. I had a new friend!

 

I was lying in my bunk. Well the one assigned to me aboard
this particular troop transport. The recruitment advertisements kind of lead
people to believe that we always ride from battle zone to battle zone in shinny
new ships with cryo-chambers.  I have
only been in one of those a couple of times. Most of the time we are on old
troop transports that are all patched together and leaky and just in general,
floating turds. The new stuff is faster but they reserve it for trips that
would take years. If it is only going to be a few months they stick us in these
smelly old boxes and away we go. Even though it would take one of the new ships
just a couple of days they figure it ain’t worth it most the time. If they had
an emergency they make an exception but they usually have enough folks close
enough by to handle things they did not plan on. They somehow knew where we had
to go and fight and we always seemed to arrive just in the knick of time. The
enemy always arrived at the exact same time at the exact same strength. Kind of
strange when you think about it. And that was something that I was finding
harder and harder to do. Think.

I had just started working with Mr. Burns last night but I
knew if we did not make fast progress that I was going to forget why I wanted
it in the first place. I thought about writing it down in here so I could go
back and read why I was doing what I was doing. Then I realized that if I got
that far-gone I wouldn’t read this anyway. It would be too hard and holomovies
were more entertaining than reading anyday. I was as close to sleeping as I
ever get. When on board ship you can usually let yourself sleep deeper than
when you’re in injun country. (injun country = battle zone) So I really was
surprised when I felt a little stingy sensation on the left side of my neck.
These ships are old and the air smells bad and all but they do not usually have
any parasitic bugs. This felt like one of those that fly around and drink your
blood when you were not looking bugs. Only he must be real big cause his nose
kind of hurt more than usual.

Then I heard the voice of an angel. It was the sweet voice
of my beloved whispering softly in my ear. “Wake up you shit eating low life cumsucking
monkey fucker.” Ah this must be those sweet nothings I had heard other guys
talk about. Women only whisper those things to the men they love. This meant
that Annie loved me! Which is good because I love her too. I knew that cause my
pecker was already hard and ready to go. Ah true love! “ I want you awake and
aware when I kill you.” I opened my eyes and there she was. I could tell that
she was real happy to see me because her face was all red, her teeth were
clenched tightly together and the pupils in her blood shot eyes were like sharp
little points looking right through me. I couldn’t help but smile. “Snap out of
it shit for brains, you are about to die! I am about to inject toilet cleanser
into your carotid artery and what little brains you have left will fry in an
agonizing death!”

Wow, she knew how to talk to make me hot! I thought I was
going to come just with her talking to me this way. I could barely breath; I
had never been this horny before. She really did care about me. She cared
enough that she wanted me to be happy. Death = happy. Not only that, I knew
Annie would not botch it and leave me all cripple and fucked up. She knew what
she was doing and it would be quick and despite what she said I wouldn't suffer
long. Wow what a woman!

“Wipe that stupid smile off your face! Are you so brain dead
that you don’t realize what is happening?” She pulled the needle out of my neck
and started stabbing me in the chest with it while yelling at me how I was
talking away all the fun of her moment. The needle didn’t hurt so much but the
blue stuff that was being pumped inside me stung a little bit. She had lost it
and was going ballistic on me. So this is that foreplay stuff the guys told me
about. They told me I wouldn’t like it and they were right. They said just sit
back and wait and soon the real stuff will start. So I waited patiently while
she continued to wail on me with her fists after the needle thing broke. I
think it broke off inside me but I could pick it out later, I was about to have
sex! Annie was actually starting to foam at the mouth. This must be that lust
stuff I had heard about. I could tell we were getting close to the real stuff
because now she was kicking me in the balls. Normally this would turn me off
right away and give me a stomachache, but I was so turned on it actually felt
kind, well kind of, good in a weird and naughty way. Things were going great
when something really weird happened. Annie suddenly stopped and started
talking! Shit! This ain’t supposed to happen until after! Had I missed
something?

“God damn it you piece of shit! You are such a miserable
pile of shit that it gives more pleasure to see you alive and suffering than to
kill you and watch you die. Before today I had never even considered taking a
human life. And do you know why shitbag?”

“Because of your hypocritical oath?” (They make doctors
swear that they don’t want to kill anybody. It’s the main reason I’m not a
doctor. I can’t lie that convincingly without laughing. Everybody knows doctors
love to kill people. They kill more people back home than whoever die on the
battlefields out here. I mean how cool would it be? Oops wrong medicine, take
him down to the morgue and bring in my next patient. And the best part of it is
you can watch them suffer for days or months before they die. Knowing the whole
time that you are denying them medicine that would make it easier for them. If
the family asks why you didn’t give them the medicine you just say that you
didn’t want him to get addicted. I mean were else do you not only get to kill
people but you get to insult the loved ones afterward? That’s why being a
doctor is the ultimate job and you get paid huge bucks. But you have to be the
most talented liar to get in.)

“What? What you talking … SHUT THE FUCK UP! I know it was
you. I know you were behind it, it was you that put them up to it.”

“Put who up to what? OHHH! You mean the little fag boys
worked up enough courage to ask you out?”

“ASK ME OUT? They raped me you motherfucker! They held me
down and raped the hell out of me.”

From the way she said it she made it sound like she didn’t
have a very good time. I would have thought three guys would have been enough
to satisfy here. Sure their dicks were littler than mine but I thought they
could make up for it by number of times. This is what they must mean by the
saying, never send a boy to do a man’s job.

“Gosh Annie, I’m sorry, I thought…”

“Thought? Thought? You are incapable of thought! You don’t
have any brain. You stupid… Why in the world would you think? Listen you stupid
prick, I pick and choose who I see, you mean nothing, you are insignificant,
you are…”

Annie was going on and on but I slowly began to understand
what she was driving at and it made sense from what I had heard about women
before. You see women are different from men in more ways than just them having
titties and pussies. No, women also think differently than men too. Women like
to find just one guy and latch on to him. They like to make that guy suffer and
put up with their unreasonable demands because by the men putting up with it,
it proves physically to the woman that the man loves them. All though you would
think women would figure out if they want to know if a man loves her, she only
has to look at his dick. So by me lineing her up with other guys, she was upset
because she thought I did not care enough about her to make her my exclusive
property. That is why she is somewhat peeved at me now. It all made sense now.
I had heard that if a woman wants you to pay attention to what she is saying
she knows she has to get you all turned on first. This worked out perfectly
because I had been thinking for weeks how I was going to tell Annie how I felt
about her. It had to be smooth and refined because she was a real class act. It
could not be too direct because she may not feel the same way about me, but I
must say that concern was behind me after this open display of her affection.
It had to be complementary. Women loved being told how hot they are. So I had
been working on a speech and I thought now was a good time. I stood up, got on
one knee so I could look her right in the eyes,  (Annie is about a foot shorter than me) and I said as softly as I
could, while disguising my lust, I mean love for her, and said, “ Annie I am so
hot for you that I would eat a mile of your shit just to smell were it came
from!”

I know, I know what you are thinking. What shear poetry. How
could this guy be so swab and deboner? Believe me I just didn’t think of it at
that moment. It took weeks of careful planning and thought to come up with a
line like that. It was from the heart! I am not usually so dashing with women
but Annie inspired me.

She just stood there with her jaw hung open like she could
not believe what she had heard. It must have not occurred to her that I would
feel the same way about her as she did about me. She just shook her head back
and forth like she was letting it sink in and slowly turned and walked away. I
let her go to be alone with her thoughts and so she could plan the wedding and
stuff. Besides I had to catch some shuteye before my watch. So I wacked of
quickly and hopped in the sack. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow,
dreaming happy dreams about my bride to be. I wonder if I smile when I sleep?

 

Next Day

Mr. Burns acted like he was real glad to see me. “Deto, come
in, come in, we have a lot to talk about!” He noticed the mark on my neck where
Annie had stuck the needle in it the night before. It was kind of bruised and
angry looking. “What’s that on your neck? Are you ok?”

“Oh, that. Not to be alarmed Mr. Burns. That’s just what
they call a hickey.” I was a little embarrassed that Annie’s passion was there
for the entire world to see. So I did what I always do when I get caught red
handed; I started talking about something else. “What are you all excited
about?”

“ I have examined the sample which you gave me. In fact I
have been up all night studying and contemplating its nature. I am very excited
about what I have discovered.”

“You mean you figured out how it works?”

“I believe so. You see it is as you deduced organic plant
matter. It is in fact one specific plant and not a mixture of any kind. I have
been unable to classify as to genus or sub species because it has
characteristics are here to for unknown to science.”

“Uh-huh.” I said and nodded my head like I was understanding
what he was talking about in the hopes he might continue and eventually say
some thing I did understand.

“ This plant displays fascinating characteristics when
oxidized at an elevated ambient, or shall we say combusted. When combined with
oxygen and heat it undergoes a molecular change that results in free radicals
that are deprived of two electrons in their respective orbits.”

“Uh-huh” my head continued to bob up and down.

“This produce a strong negative charge that must be satiated
by the surrounding environment thusly absorbing any static OR even dynamic
electron transfer within it’s sphere of influence.”

This time I said “Wow!” just because from the way he was
looking at me that I was supposed to be impressed.

“ The sum effect is that any electrical circuit within the
sphere of influence or smoke as you called it, becomes disrupted in an attempt
to balance the charge. That is why machinery shuts down and it is also why
humans and other cognizant creatures become dazed and disoriented.”

“Hmm.” Oh shit, I let this one slip. If you say hmm instead
of uh-huh it is like saying you did not understand could you explain it better.
Shit my neck was starting to get sore from lifting my head up and down. It must
have been a little sore from my night of passion. Why couldn’t I just do
push-ups instead of bobbing my head? In the Corp, if you are kind of a fuck up,
you get real used to doing push-ups. I am the undefeated push up champ for the
UED Fourth Marine Corps, Charlie division.

“ You see our thoughts are generated by Electro-chemical
impulses within our brains. So even though this “smoke” as you call it does not
enter your body it has the same effect on you as it does machinery in that it
disrupts your circuits or thought patterns if you will. However from your
graphic description of events I surmise that your experience was somewhat
unique in that your respirator had been damaged by a previous encounter with a
Protoss warrior before you had entered the bunker. You in fact maybe the only surviving
human to have actually ingested some of the Protoss D-web.”

“Uh-huh” I wasn’t going to let another hmm slip out.

“I do not really know until we study it further but from
your description I conjecture that since the D-web had an opportunity to actually
enter your blood stream that it intensified some of the affects that it has and
deaccentuated others. This is very hard to ascertain just from the empirical
data that I have so far and I need to conduct some controlled experiments to
either confirm or deny my hypothesis. Are you up to it?”

“Uh-huh.” Damn my neck was sore by now.

“Excellent! We can begin in a few days. By that time I will
have invented a way to oxidize or incinerate this organic matter but then I
will also have to figure out a way of introducing it into your lungs to
reproduce the conditions of the initial encounter you had. That may take some
doing because I really do not want to create an artificial trauma by surgically
invasive methodology.”

“Uh-huh.” By this time I was having a hard time staying
awake so I pulled out a Marlboro and zippy my zippo lighter. I find sometimes
when on guard duty that it helps me to stay awake. Mr. Burns’s eyes got all big
and I thought to myself, oh great here comes the lecture about how this is bad
for me and blah, bla, bla, bla, bla.

Only he didn’t, he said, “Deto! That’s brilliant! That’s
perfect! It is so refreshing to be working with a collogue of equal
intellectual capacity!” He took the cigarette out of my mouth and rolled the
tobacco out on the floor. Then he started to put the D-web stuff back into the
paper and handed it back to me. I think I figured out what he was up to. Hell,
why not?

“Wait just a moment, I want to monitor your brain function.
Here put this cap on.”

He handed me a cap that was attached by curly wires to a
machine he switched on. I put it on and he said “Wait something is wrong here.
I am not getting a reading. It must be out of calibration.” He started turning
knobs and flipping switches. “It is on its most sensitive setting and, no wait
there, there it is, I can just make out some activity. Must need some work but
it should do for the test. Go ahead Deto.”

I had to roll one of the ends of the ciggy shut to keep the
stuff inside the paper but then I went ahead and put it in my mouth and light
it up. SHIT! This stuff is way harsh. I started coughing uncontrollable again.
Damn. But within seconds the warm feeling came back to me like a long lost
friend. I smiled.

“ Deto, Deto!” Mr. Burns was screaming at me.

“What?”

“ Oh thank God, the machine had indicated that you had died.
There must be something wrong with it. Can you come back once I have fixed it?”

“Sure man, no problem. You be cool now! Ya hear? Peace.”

I took my butt with me. I was having good time!

 

 

Two days latter.

I was paying for my good time now. My mouth was sore, my
throat was sore, my lungs were sore. The D-web smoke was just too hard on the
old body. I had to figure out a way to soften the punch without reducing the
benefit. The cotton filter of the cigarette was just not going to cut it. I
thought about it and what I really needed was a cylinder that could contain
water and to pull the smoke through the water, and that way even if it did not
remove whatever it was that was irritating my tissue, it would at least cool down
the smoke to prevent thermal damage. My colleague, Mr. Burns, and I had reached
this conclusion after some discussion yesterday. I love how my new found
intellectualosity makes me sound when I write. I am learning all kinds of neat
shit now that I am hyper-intelligent. Mr. Burns had wanted to fashion our
little device out of the glass beakers in his lab. I responded that all though
it would be adequate for short-term experimentation, I felt the need for
something more durable and portable. Something I could have with me at all
times, if the need so arose. I can not imagine such a need at this time,
however it is best to try and think ahead to some future scenario. (cough,
cough!) I had just the thing in mind. An empty canister rifle casing would be
perfect. A few additions, a few modifications and I would be all set. Just one
small problem, where to find an empty? Dewarting a live canister round is not
something I enjoy. It can have severe consequences. I could just wait until we
arrived at the temple and look around for an empty but we are still 5 days away
and I don’t want to wait that long. I enjoy my new recreational activity and
wish to participate at every possible opportunity. I did know where I could go
right this instant and lay hands on an empty casing but the hazard presented
was almost worse than the disarming of the live round.

Hmm. The only place that I knew I could go at this minute
and get what I was after was to just go ask Innocent for one of his. This could
prove risky. You see Innocent is one of those names like when you call a huge
guy tiny, or a fat guy skinny. Innocent had more blood on his hands than all
the doctors who ever lived through out history combined. Innocent was an
efficient killing machine. He was my idol! Innocent is what we call a spook. He
is not in the armed services really but he works for one of those ABC
departments of the UED. You know, like CIA, KGB, FBI, NSA, ABC. I don’t know
which one because it’s a secret. In fact Innocent is pretty much a secret.
There are a lot of legends where he shot a guy from a kilometer away and the
bullet went right through the guys sight and blew up in his brain, and stuff
like that. Legend kind of stuff. Here is what I know for fact! He has huge
bounties on him put out by all of our enemies includeing the zerg. They would
rather see him dead than the Commander himself. He has killed way over a
million living beings, a lot of them by tactical nuke. He takes zero shit from
anybody. I was assigned to one of his details so I got to know him as well as
anybody, which means not at all. He has absolute ice water in his veins.
Nothing gets to him. The mission starts to go bad, and he cooly carries on.
Bullets or spines could be whizzing millimeters away from his head and he is
perfectly calm. He knows no anger, no fear, no joy, no nothing. Just duty! I am
not real sure if he is a human or a machine but I do know he will stop at
nothing to achieve his objective. You would think a guy this badass would be
big. You would be wrong. He is maybe five feet tall. Most people don’t know
this but if you are too big they will not let you into special forces. You make
too large of a target I guess.

Plus you can get in and out of places bigger guys will get
stuck in. At least that’s what they told me when I tried to sign up. I still
wish I could be in special ops because they get to use nukes! Nukes are the
most beautiful things God ever made. But they won’t let someone like me play
with them. You have to be someone like Innocent. I guess he even outranks Battle
Cruiser captains. Someone once told me that one tac-nuke costs more to make
than three Battle Cruisers with Yamamoto cannons. I don’t buy that though
because you can tell by looking there is a hell of a lot more shit that goes
into making a Battle Cruiser. I mean just look at them side by side if you
don’t believe me. Some people will try and get away with bullshit and you just
have to call them on it.

Well getting back to the Innocent problem I figured that it
was important enough to take the risk. I did not fear that he would kill me out
right. What worried me is he would whip his karate shit on me and purposely
leave me paralyzed for life with tubes running in and out of me and constant
pain. He would be just the type to do that with like one finger to some secret
spot on my body some where. Then I wouldn’t be able to do anything when the
male nurse would come in to bugger and beat me every day and the bugs would
crawl in my mouth and wouldn’t be able to stop them. Damn that Innocent is one
scary fucker! Well I would just have to take that risk.

I tapped softly on his door. I could tell by the swiftness
of his answer that he knew I was there before I even knocked on the door. I
stuck my head into the open door and said’ “Hi, remember me?”

He kind of nodded with just his eyeballs but said nothing.

I said, “You wouldn’t happen to have an extra empty canister
casing that I could have would you sir?”

His eyes moved over to a table where he had been loading up
some of his own special brand of lock-down rounds. I saw about five or so that
had not been loaded yet. I walked sideways to the table facing him the whole
time. If he was going to jump me there was probably nothing I could do to stop
him because of his being so fast and devious and all. But I thought maybe I
could see it coming I could think about it for the whole rest of my life as I
lay there paralyzed. I ran my hand down to the table and picked one up and
said, “Thank you so much Sir.” Just then he began to open his mouth. OH SHIT
HER COMES THE QESTIONS. I could just here it now…what do you want it for Deto?
What were you thinking Deto? How would you like a live one up your ass Deto?
But instead he just said,” We have not discussed the price yet have we?”

“ P-p-price? Price Sir?”

“Well yes, it seems like you want it for something. I don’t
really care what for, but I want something in return.”

“Well, Sir, I have quite a bit saved up and would be…”

“ No Deto, money doesn’t do me a lot of good out here, I was
thinking more in terms of a favor. “

God please don’t let this guy be queer. “What kind of
favor?”

“ I want you to volunteer for a little mission of mine when
we get to Auir.”

I thought back to the last mission of his I went on. It was
he, a medic, and six of us ground pounders to help escort him to his objective.
We shuttled as far as we safely could and followed the river to a bridge. When
we went to cross we were ambushed. I got pretty shot up and Innocent just kind
of vanished. I thought he left me for dead but he picked me up and carried me
all the ways back to base were a medic fixed me back up. That was twenty-six
clicks. He had thanked me because our cover fire allowed him to get away and
accomplish his objective. I was the only other survivor. I thought well hanging
around this guy is a good way to get myself killed, but he won’t leave you
behind. So I said, “It would be an honor sir.” And when I said it I wasn’t
being funny and saying just the opposite of what I meant. I meant it. I saluted
and left as soon as he dismissed me. With my prize in hand.

 

One more day until we land.

It took a little longer than I had thought to convert the
canister round to what I needed. Mr. Burns had found some seeds in my little
sample and he was going to grow some plants so he could study them in their
natural state. He also said he had to hook an amplifier to his brain wave
measuring machine. Must be because my brain is so big and all. Anyway our next
experiment went much better. My little invention kept me from coughing so hard.
In fact it was not a whole lot worse than smoking a Pall Mall. So this time I
was able to smoke more of the stuff. I sat in the chair with the thingie on my
head and noticed I could see right through the walls of the transport we were
in. The stars spoke to me about how there is a commonality of existence that
can be found in all things. Then a chicken came and sat beside me and we
watched for hours how it all began. The colors tasted better than anything I
had ever eaten before. And I was thinking the most profound thoughts ever
before experienced by mankind. Only now I forgot exactly what they where so I
couldn’t remember to write them down here. Only I am sure those thoughts could
have saved the human race if I had just written them down.

After about twelve years or so, the chicken looked me
straight in the eye and said, “ Do you like what I have done?”

I said, “ Yeah man, it is soooo beautiful. I love it man. I
love you too man.”

The chicken said, “ I love you too.”

After that I knew that it was all going to be ok. Bob and I
were going to be good friends.

Mr. Burns kind of ruined it though because he kept trying to
revive me. Finally I just said, “ Damn it Burns, would you cut that shit out? I
am not dead; your machine is just fucked up. I feel great, how could I be
dead?” But Burns kept looking at me like he didn’t believe what he was seeing
or something. He kept asking me what I was seeing and feeling and a whole bunch
of stupid stuff. Just think, he could have been asking me the secrets of the
universe instead.

 

Finding the lost temple. Again!

I was about the fourth marine to report out of the barracks.
Commander singled me out and set me on guard duty next to the mineral line.
Just in case they decided to pay us an early visit with zealots. I was an
insurance policy for if they broke down the wall in and made it past the guys
on duty by the ramp. It was a cushy job for early duty because if a zealot did
manage to make it this far, he would be so fucked up that just a few rounds
from Vlad would finish him off. Besides I knew I was on hot standby until
Innocent could get here. My main job between now and then was to try and not
get myself killed. I had no idea what he wanted me for. Probably to draw fire
away from him like last time. I wondered who else would be on our team. Maybe
Annie? I had not seen her since we got engaged. For some reason I always had
just missed her where she had last been. I had left several messages for her. I
don’t even know for sure if she got them. I figured it must be that not seeing
the bride before the wedding thing. But I did need to find out from her when
the wedding was going to be so I wouldn’t miss it. I mean I think I’m supposed
to be there aren’t I? Good thing that women get all excited by planning these
things because I could care less about that stuff. Except maybe the party they
have afterwards, those can be fun. I wonder who it is that will throw my
bachelor party? Does Annie hire the stripper for us? Hmm! I needed to find out
some stuff from her. She is just so lucky that I am so patient.

Well the time went really fast with all this stuff to think
about. So before I know it I hear someone come out of the barracks and say,
“Finally!” Oh great, he is in one of his gung ho, let’s go kill all the Protoss
moods. He will probably manage to get us all killed today and make Annie a
widow even before she is a wife. Just great. He paused for a second like he was
listening to something then he said, “ They’ll never know what hit ‘em.” I’m
not sure but I think he was talking to the commander. When the commander calls
me I usually say something like, “ Give me something to shoot!” to show him
that I am hearing his transmission and am eager to go kill something. After he
gives me an order I sometimes say something like, “Go, go, go…” to show him
that I understood the order and am already in the process of complying with his
wishes. Yes, it does not hurt to show your commander the respect he deserves.
After all he is the greatest military mind who has ever lived. That is why I
just don’t get the biker dudes. When the commander calls them they show nothing
but tude. What a bunch of losers. I know if I was the commander and they lipped
off to me, well let’s just say they would be pooped out of a Hydra butt before
the day was through. The commander must have a lot of patience.

Innocent was waving me over to a waiting drop ship. Hmm, the
rest of the team must already be on board. Time to go, go, go! When I got in I
saw no one else was there yet so I thought we would have to wait for everybody.
Then the drop ship pilot said, “ Hang on, we’re in for some chop!” I began to
go for the intercom to tell her that not everybody was aboard yet when Innocent
began talking to me. “ Deto, we are going hunting today.”

“ Great, are we going after Bengaleese or those rhino
thingies?” I asked being somewhat relieved that we would probably not be in a
hot zone. Fighting tends to spook the animals away, so if you want to bag
something you have to be away from where all the shooting is going on.

“ No, the kind of game we are going after is much bigger and
has a much nastier disposition.” Hmm. Godzilla, King Kong? “Satellite scans
show there is a Dark Achron operating in this theater. We find that to be
unacceptable. I am to terminate him with extreme prejudice.” Damn, I was hoping
we could kill something and not just call it nasty names. Oh well I signed on
for this so I started to try and think up some nasty things to say to the Dark
Achron. “Deto I needed a way to get the prey to be where it is to my advantage.
I needed a lure, seemingly helpless bait to dangle before him. How are you at
being bait Deto?”

“Oh I am a master baiter Innocent, that’s one thing I can do
really well.”

“Good Deto, so I wont have to go into a lot of detail. We
have scanned the LZ. It is in a corner of the Protoss base. The Dark Achron is
hiding there close to the mineral deposits. Scans reveal that there are no
cannons nearby.” Well that’s good. I hate cannons. A two cannon pop on a lone
marine is all she wrote. Even with six guys and two medics and stim, it takes
awhile to take one out. And sometimes even with overwhelming forces you still
lose a few guys to these nasties. “We are taking a very indirect route so as to
avoid detection. They had no observers in this location at the time of the last
scan but if that changes we may have to abort. Basically what I need you to do
is seek out and attack the Dark Achron. You must make it appear that you are a
lone marine who has somehow blundered into their base.”

“I’m a good blunderer too.” I hate to brag myself up too
much but I want him to know I can handle the job.

“Good, I knew I chose the right man for this job!”

My buttons were popping off now. Here I was on a top-secret
mission deep into enemy territory. I was going to do Innocent proud. Just let
me at this piece of shit Achron. I will show him what a Marine is made of. He
was going to get a taste of some of this.

We had a smooth landing. No fire. They must not know we had
arrived. Innocent pointed me in the direction I needed to go and then just
disappeared. By that I don’t mean he walked away, I mean he made it so I
couldn’t see him anymore. I walked where he had told me and before I had gone
very far, there he was. The pissed off looking Achron. “Motherfucker, you are
going down. Eat plutonium you piece of shit!” I yelled as I charged with my
finger holding down Vlad’s trigger the whole time. He turned around and looked
right at me. I say “looked” but I don’t remember any eyeballs. “It’s your day
to die, mother fucker, you are toast!” I was real charged up and pissed off. Just
then he raises up his arms and then, nothing. My arms hung limp by my sides and
I couldn’t move. Oh no, not again! He had thrown some kind of paralysis spell
on me or something. I couldn’t move a single muscle. Just great, now I’m
letting Innocent down by not being able to kill this goofy fucker. Shit! Worse
still he walks up to me and I could swear he was laughing at me. Deep inside me
a fire of hatred was burning red hot. I knew what would come next. Everyone
says that Protoss are gay. The truth of the matter is that Protoss are not only
gay, they are every type of sexual perversion. Their whole existence is about
perverted sex.

So I am looking at this thing laughing at me, as he is about
twenty feet taller than I am and he looks over at what used to be the mineral
line. There are about sixty-five and fifteen gazillion probes sitting there
with their thumbs up their asses. So one of them floats over and I find out why
they are called probes. Ugh! I try to tighten my sphincter but I still couldn’t
move. I hate these rectal exams. Damn what a humiliating way to die. This is
why the toss gets so upset when you destroy a bunch of their probes. They are
sex toys for the Protoss. I could feel my life ebb away when suddenly an EMP
shockwave blasted through the area. Good old Mr. Burns was trying to save my
bacon. I just hope he hadn’t seen what the probe had been doing to me. I
strained real hard and I was able to move Vlad just enough to point him in the
general direction of the invasive probe. I pulled the trigger and the pain
stopped. The Achron had stopped laughing. With all my strength I pulled Vlad up
and said, “ Die!” and opened up on the Achron. I could see he was getting hit
with canister rounds too. When he turned to run away, he went up in blue smoke.
I was still pissed and needed to do some more killing so I charged the big pile
of probes. Then I heard in my headset, “ Nuclear Launch detected!” followed by,
“ Deto get the fuck out of there! Get over by their assimilator! “ The last one
had been the voice of the commander. “Go, go, go!!”

I ran as fast as I could and when I got there I turned
around and looked where I had just come from. Their pyramid had a red glowy
light on it that wasn’t there before. Mr. Burns was a ways off but then I
looked up and there was a kind of translucent ding bell balloon thing. A big
mechanical spider was shooting at something but I couldn’t see what. I looked
through Vlad’s sights but couldn’t lock on the little balloon thing so I
focused on the bead that I had welded on the tip of the barrel and opened up.
It didn’t take very long to blow up the balloon dinger.

The spider stopped shooting at whatever he was shooting at
and opened up on Mr. Burns. He was out of range but I started shooting at the
spider using my open sight since I couldn’t get a lock-on because of the range.
The spider stopped chasing Mr. Burns and started to come after me. I must have
hit something real explosive on the spider because when he blew up he took the
pyramid and all the probes with him. There were only three probes left going
into and out of the assimilator building. So I killed them one by one just to
teach them a lesson. After I had killed all the probes I started on the
assimilator. I was still pissed off. Then the funniest thing happened. The Protoss
had surrendered. They had contacted the Commander with the always-cryptic
message of “gg”. I don’t know what that means for sure but it must be some kind
of Commander code for “ I surrender to the superior force.” Or something I’m
not quit sure because the Commander always says it back to the person
surrendering. Must be whoever says it first is the loser. Apparently the
Protoss Commander had forgot about needing minerals to fuel his war machine.
Whatever. Now we had to process prisoners. Innocent had gotten wounded some
how, I don’t know because I couldn’t see him. He and I went to the infirmary
together. We get our medals in a week. Innocent is proud of me!

 

A Couple of days after I got out of sick bay.

I had found a nice secluded spot in the engine room area of
this transport. We are off to some other battlefield somewhere. Don’t know
where and right now, don’t care. I am sitting here recording my thoughts as I
enjoy my canister of D-web. I figured out a name for my little invention. Since
I get all my good Ideas right after using it, and since when you are reading a
book and they have the drawing pictures of people when the get an idea all of
the sudden, they have a little light bulb and the word boing right beside it, I
am going to call this thing a Boing. It is so much easier than a 40mm canister
rifle cartridge with a 120mm cannon shell primer attached to a hole drilled on
a side towards the bottom with wire mesh filter and filled with water D-web
smoking device. Takes too long to say that so from now on it is a boing. So I
was taking deep drags off my boing and contemplating the nature of the Protoss.

So now for the first time in history here is a compressive
study of these alien folk and not just what the UED wants you to believe. What
got me to thinking about this was my recent experience with those nasty little
probe things. We have prisoner exchange all the time. When commanders surrender
before every last one of their men is dead, yeah I know it’s hard to believe
but there are commanders out there who let every last one of their guys die
just because they are assholes, we take prisoners and trade them for any of our
guys that the enemy may be holding from previous battles. Now I have never been
a POW but I have talked to guys that were and who came back. They are the ones
who have been saying that the Protoss are gay. That’s because they were
sexually tortured the whole time they were being held captive. But I think I
have figured out that it ain’t just homo sex but every kind of deviant sex known
to man and some that aren’t known yet. Like I said those probes are actually
anal probes and that’s why the Protoss get so pissed off when you blow them
apart. They are like vibrator dildo thingies. They are Protoss sex toys. And
the warriors they call Zealots, they are actually pimps from their planet. That
is why they run around saying “My wife for hire.” They are trying to prostitute
their old ladies. No shit! That’s why we call a group of them a “pimp squad.”
And those spider machine things, you know the ones called Dragoons, but they
don’t look like dragons, the Zerg flying things look like dragons, and these
spider things are called that after some old timey earth warriors that rode
around on the backs of big animals, they actually have a Protoss guy inside
that is like tied up and being whipped by a dominixtrx or something. That’s why
they are all like, “Make use of me.” Like they want to be used like a toilet.
Yeah, it’s all pretty gross shit. And you don’t even want to know what they are
doing inside to trigger their shots from their cannons. It’s digusting. Then
they have these “High Templar” guys. Why do you think they are called high?
Yep, that’s right, stoned out of their minds the whole time. In fact they are
so out of their minds, that they get into yours. They can make you see things
that aren’t there. They can even make you think your dead so convinceingly that
you do die. They make you think your caught in some lightning storm and you are
so convinced that you are going to die that you actaully do. That’s why when
they “Storm” a building nothing happens to it. Because buildings can’t think.
But any being or machine that can; gets all convinced that it is going to die
and so it does. All because these Templar guys are stoned. The High temps sometimes
get so high that they run together and have sex and get so entangled they can’t
ever come apart again. They are in a state of permanent climax and they go
around and ejaculate on stuff, causing it to blow up. This stuff is real
because it will blow up buildings and shit. But being stoned myself, I don’t
think they are all that bad now.

They are not as bad as the “Dark Templar” These are real
perverts and that is why they are called dark. They sneak around so you can’t
see them and like jack off and stuff. They have a name for that, it’s called
“voyeger”. It means some one who likes to watch others do it. These guys are
real creeps. Every now and then they give themselves away by saying, “Hmmm?”
That’s when their commanders catch them in the act of pulling their puds and he
is wanting them to go kill somebody. The sneaky bastards. And all the Protoss
get their rocks off when they kill shit. All you have to do is listen to a
bunch of Zealots ripping into something or someone. It’s all “Uhn, uhn!” And when
they fuck each other they turn into one of those big red bastards that I killed
on my last mission. These guys can not only make you not be able to move, they
can cause science vessels to blow themselves up if they try and use any of
their weapons. They can make a ghost blow up. That’s why Innocent and Burns
took me along, so that the big red pervert would get tired from trying to whip
his shit on me and that would allow them to do what they needed to do to take
him out. These big red faggots can sometimes just take over your mind and turn
you into a pervert just like them. That’s why we have to kill them all before
they can spread their filth and perversion to the human race.

They even shape their ships to look like sex objects. The
little one that does the D-web looks like a flying pussy, the fighter looks
like a little dick, complete with balls, and the big one that has all the
little robot planes, looks like an enormous Johnson with it’s balls so swoll up
that it’s going to explode. The one that hides stuff behind it and puts things
in a different time zone looks like a giant cunt that’s already been porked by
the giant Johnson. They are all just perverts. I am convinced that they can
think of nothing but sex all the time. Nothing but, sex, sex, sex! They are
kind of like,…well kind of like,…well me actually. Hmm, they aren’t so bad
after all. So why are we fighting them again? Hmm, maybe those people who are
protesting the war back home have a point? Naw, all a bunch of faggot hippies.
Real men don’t think about such shit! Now what was I just thinking about? I
forgot. I’m getting hungry, I feel like eating a bunch of potato chips, sounds
good, I’m off to the mess hall. More later.

 

I got my medal today!

It came in an envelope addressed to me at mail call. I don’t
usually get any mail since I don’t have any living relatives. Every now and
then I get a letter from a kid I crippled when I was in school. He says he
thinks about me every day and hopes I burn in hell and he prays that I will get
some kind of disease and die a slow painful death. I usually write him back
saying what fun I am having, wish he was here; you know friendly small talk
stuff. But today I got my metal for meritorious service above and beyond the
call of duty. I put it with all my purple fart metals. They call them metals
because that’s what they are made of. This one had like a neck loop thing so
you could wear it around your neck like your tags, only lots fancier. My other
metals you have to pin on your uniform, but I keep them all in my footlocker so
I wont lose them somewhere. I think that if I get enough of them saved up they
may let me get out early.

I used to think that there would be some kind of show or
something where you would be given your metal in front of everybody else and brag
on you and stuff. Kind of like when you graduate from grade school. But
everyone is too busy to mess with that. Anyway whenever you get one of these
babies you get a letter written by the Commander himself telling you how good
you are and how proud he is of you. The letter is better than the metal itself.
It makes you feel all warm inside to read it. I know I have never seen the
Commander face to face, but neither has anybody else. I mean he gives us all
orders during a battle and we all know the sound of his voice but none of us
has ever seen him. Everyone thinks that the command center lady must be like
sitting in his lap in the command center but she has never seen him either.
Bull shit you say? Nope. God’s honest truth. None of the other guys will even
go up and talk to the bitch on account of her being so butt ugly and weird. But
I did. I found out a lot by talking to her. Like for instance that the reason
she has all that shit connected to her is because she isn’t a human at all. She
is what you call a “cyberborg”. All it means is she never has to eat or take a
shit or breath or anything. Also she can’t have sex either, but that’s ok
because she is so butt ugly no one wants to do her anyway. I mean all the guys
think that the commander is in the command center, having some kind of big
party while all the shit is going down. I found out, it’s not true. They
communicate with the Commander, but he is not in there. I mean if you just stop
and think about it, I have seen command centers be leveled by enemy troops but
you still hear the commander giving orders even after the command center is
gone. I don’t know where people get these crazy ideas from.

I guess I can see why the commander likes me so much. I
don’t give him a bunch of shit like all the others do. I mean I’m straight with
him. All the other guys must give him heartburn. The SCV guys are always
picking their noses, that’s got to gross him out. The fire bats think they are
hot shit. All they ever talk about is their flame-throwers. Everything is about
burning something. He probably worries that if he lets them sit around too long
they will start the base on fire. Bunch of firomaniacs. The Vulture guys are
openly disrespectful. They Tank guys are so gung ho that it’s obvious they are
kissing up. Medics flirt with him in front of everybody. Like they think he is
going to date them or something. Goliath guys think they are hot stuff and talk
all catch phrasey like “Tac Comm”. Big deal they know a few catchy phrases.
Wraith pilots are like Mr. Ego. They think they are just so cool. Ever seen a
Wraith Pilot in real life? They are all about 3’8” tall. My dick’s bigger than
they are. Drop shit pilots are bull dykes complete with chain wallets. Science
vessel guys are civilians in a war zone. Valerie pilots are eurotrash hoties
that are always overcautious. It’s always “Careful!” I mean what’s up with that
“careful” crap? This is a war zone, not some kiddy on the playground. And then
you have the biggest egos of all. The BattleCruiser Captains. Talk about having
a God complex. These guys don’t use TP because they don’t think their shit
stinks. I mean the Commander tells them to get their asses somewhere and they
say “Take it slow.” Can you imagine? When they Commander tells me to go
somewhere it’s “Go, go, go!” Ha! No wonder the Commander likes me best. I never
give him any crap. All I ever request from him is that he gives me something to
shoot. He knows I love combat and he always tries to oblige me. Me and the
Commander are buddies. Although I have never seen him.

And that is what is such a good thing about his letters that
go with the metals. The Commander is the smartest person who has ever lived.
Smarter than even me. There are other commanders but mine is the smartest. I
have seen other commanders just send wave after wave of troops into situations
where they did not stand a chance. It’s like they have no respect at all for
the lives of their troops. I have seen commanders who would never surrender and
make sure that every last troop and building in their command was destroyed and
then still not admit defeat. I mean all commanders are smart. Just some are
smarter than others. Commanders talk to each other in secret code. At the
beginning of hostilities they say, “gg/hf”. I’m not a commander but I think it’s
secret code that means, “ I have accepted the challenge to defeat you on the
field of battle, prepare to die.” Commanders will even hurl insults back and
forth during the battle, calling each other gay and stuff. When in the middle
of a battle, one of them says, “gg” now the meaning of the secret code has
changed to mean, “that was a good tactic that you used.” Or “You are a more
challenging opponent than I had first thought.” Or “ I am really enjoying
kicking your ass.” When towards the end of the game, if one of the Commanders
says, “gg” it means, and “I have lost the day I trust you will treat my troops
with honor.” This means they give up. This is just the tit of the iceberg.
Commanders have whole bunches of secret codes that they use all the time.

I’m real lucky that I have the best Commander ever. I would
do anything he asked. I wonder if he would let me work for him after the war? I
could go kill people that were giving him a hard time. I’m so lucky that the
UED is giving me such a valuable and marketable job skills. I’ll be all set for
civilian life. style='mso-char-type:symbol;mso-symbol-font-family:Wingdings'>J

 

 

We invaded this lava planet place this morning.

I was part of a second detachment headed in to the zerg
base. The first group had encountered some unexpected resistance and was headed
out towards us so as to regroup. The armor was following in behind us but would
take awhile to catch up. We were supposed to wait for them to siege up, then we
would patrol ahead and provide cover from air threat. At least until they could
get a Goliath over here or construct a missile turret.

I looked over at the guys that were retreating towards our
position and I saw that Annie was with them. This would be great. I had been
wanting to talk to her forever now. I had not been able to talk to her since
our little encounter in my bunk. I needed to talk to her bad. This would be
just the opportunity I needed. They suddenly halted their retreat. They were
still some ways off from us so I knew I was going to have to hoof it down there
to be able to talk with her. Hmm, I also noticed that Rufus the duffass was
down there with her standing too close. I made a mental note to address this
issue with him after I spoke with Annie.

Then, out of nowhere, big spiky things poked up through the
ground forming a straight line through the people down below. One of the guys
died right away and a few more were injured. Annie ran towards them to aid.
Rufas the Duffass ran the other way. Even though the comsat was showing right
where the tick was buried Rufus and the guys were running away instead of
shooting it. Annie walked right into the next row of spikes and that was all
she wrote for her. It had cut her right in half. Finally arclite took out the
tick but Annie was dead. Annie was dead and it was Rufus’s fault. That was the
last straw. Rufus would have to die now. But I had to be subtle about it.

It was time to charge the base now. I think Rufus had some
kind of sixth sense or something because instead of charging the ramp like the
rest of us he went down around the cliff base. Sort of like he knew I would
kill him first chance I got so he avoided me. We were inside the base now and
we could tell by the types of buildings here that it was not the main but an
expansion. I wondered over to the cliff edge and there was Rufus standing at
the bottom of the cliff with his rifle held at high port. I thought about
popping him from here but there were too many witnesses. Suddenly a pack of
those little zerg dogs attacked him. Rufus shot at them but they were on him
like stink on shit. He ran towards the cliff and began to scurry up towards me.
The little dog things were jumping up trying to drag him back down. He had
scampered almost all the way to the top where he could look over the edge and
see me. He said, “ Deto, help me man, save me!” I said, “ Why should I scum
bag, you let Annie die, so why should I save you?”

“Deto I’ll do anything man, I’ll give you anything just save
me!”

So I ran over and grabbed him by both wrists and held him
straight out in front of me dangling completely off the cliff face. I looked
him straight in the eye and said, ” Will you suck my dick?”

He said, “ Yeah, sure, anything man!”

“Well if you would suck my dick, that makes you a queer, and
you know what I think of homos.” With that I released his wrists and let him
fall down to the waiting zerg puppies. They had a nice meal of him. But I
blasted them when they were done so they could send Rufus’s remains home to his
family. I mean his family shouldn’t have to suffer just because he turned out
to be such a Duffass!

Later after the battle it sunk in on me that Annie was gone.
I wondered if I still loved her. I thought real hard and got her picture in my
mind. I could feel myself start to get a chubby. Yep, I still loved her. It is
going to be hard getting over her. What a terrific gal she was.

 

Here I sit, broken hearted. I thought I’d shit, but only
farted.

You know probably the most profound thoughts that have ever
been come up with are recorded here on bathroom stall walls. We are off to some
other planet somewhere to fight yet some other foe. I wish they would just
figure out who it is we are most pissed at and we would just duke it out once
and for all. Actually I don’t mind sitting here alone in the can. It gives me
time to think about shit. And also time to think about other stuff too. I
didn’t want to think too much about Annie because the evidence of my love for
her might be hard to explain if I suddenly had unexpected company in the head
like what sometimes happens on a troop ship. A guy squatting with a hard on can
be somewhat conspicuous.

So here I am trying to think about other stuff. Like what’s
up with those bug people? I mean why the hell won’t those bug things just
figure out we don’t like them and go away? Stupid bugs.

There are the little worker bugs with the pincher things on
their mouths. They don’t bite you but they spit acid on you. And they turn into
other shit too. They can turn into things that stab at you from under ground or
spit at aircraft. They can turn into all kinds of shit and none of it’s good. That’s
why I like popping these little fuckers before they go and turn into something
even more nasty.

There are the little bug dogs that hop around and stab you
with their front legs, like what ate Rufus. If these little dog things stay
around on the battle field too long the get like all drugged up on smack or
speed or something. Then they start running around faster than shit tearing the
crap out of everything. They get hard to hit cause they are all jittery and
hyper. I tried making one a pet once but he kept trying to eat me while I slept
so I had to put him down. Plus the fact I couldn’t teach him to shit and pee
anywhere except were he was at the time he got the urge. He was the stupidest
little shit-eating bug you ever did see.

There was the tall bug with the big head that spits poisoned
stingers and acid at you, talk about being gross. These are the ones that turn
into eggs and then those big ticks like what killed Annie. These things kind of
hop around on their dicks. Except they don’t have dicks. That’s the weirdest
thing of all none of these bugs have any dicks or pussies or anything at all as
far as I can tell. Where there is supposed to be something it is missing. I
mean what the hell reason do they have to live for? With out fucking why would someone
even want to live? Well except for maybe eating, I guess I could see that. And
of coarse taking a good healthy shit. That can be pretty worth while too. In
fact, now that I’m all relaxed I’m having a good one right now. Ahhhh!

Now where was I? Oh yeah the bug creatures. They got those
big mosquito looking ones that look like dragons but that call them that
because there is a Protoss thing that looks like a spider that had the name
first so you can’t use the same name twice so they are called somethinglisk. In
fact they are all called somethingorotherlisks. Anyway these things fly around
shooting turds out of their butts and these turds are hard and bounce around
knocking the shit out of everything. They must have gas real bad or something.
Then these things can turn into an egg kind of thing that just floats their in
the sky like some turds float in the toilet bowl. Then after awhile the turd
turns into either a big bug that spits purple shit at planes or a big bug that
spits yellow goobers at you only they hurt like hell. And they usually blow the
shit out of everything too.

Then there are the big gasbag ones that float around and
poop out doggies, spitters and ticks. I think that is must be what these things
are. Different kinds of gas bag turds. You know like when we sometimes crap out
a floater or a corny or sheep ball. Different kinds of turds make different
kinds of bug people.

Then there are the flying cross dresser bugs called
“Queers”. These are the ones that can turn you into a bug. About the most
humiliating way to die. I think I rather be killed with my own dick in my mouth
than to be turned into a bug first. This is one of the scariest things about
fighting bugs. Most the time these “Queers” just lob sticky boogers on you that
slow you way down but sometimes they plant little eyeballs on you and you don’t
notice till later when your taking a shower and your balls are looking back at
you. That’s kind of a spooky feeling. These “Queer” bugs will also make a nest
in a shelled out command center and make these really gross bug people things
that are so full of shit that they explode when they bump into something. No
shit, I’m not lying. I’ve seen them take out a tank when they would walk into
one and shit fell from the sky for one hell of a long time afterward. They are
nasty!

Then there are the scorpion bugs that squirt red piss
everywhere. The piss is poisonous acid. Makes you sick as a horse. You get
immediate runs and weak as a puppy. These fuckers make you want to puke. They
fart huge brown colored farts that make you gag so bad you can’t shoot. Of
Coarse all the other bugs love the smell of the shit so much they all run to
get in the fart smell. Bugs are gross. Then the scorpion bug eats one of his
own guys so he can fart some more. I don’t know it must be some kind of sick
bug joke or something. Maybe they do have a sense of humor?

Then there is this one you hardly ever see. Thank God for
that. This is the big as a house mother-fucker who runs around crazy ripping
the shit out of everything bug. It’s a liskthing too. It takes a gagillion
bullets and bombs to kill one of these things and despite them being bigger
than crackwhore on welfare, they run faster than shit! Man I hate seeing one of
these fuckers coming cause unless you got a whole bunch of firepower behind
you, you gonna die!

Fucking bugs! I hate them. Well wouldn’t you know it? The
stall is out of asswipe. Good thing I have my diary here with me. I wonder how
come taking a dump makes me think of Zergs? Must be some connection there. Oh well,
I’m done here. Time for some chow!

 

 

I don’t know what the fuck is up with Burns but he sure has
been squirrelly lately. I don’t know what his problem is. Ever since he
developed our own strain of d-web shit he has been getting more and more
whacked out all the time. I gotta admit his new stuff is pretty kick ass. I
mean I am seeing shit that I know ain’t there even weeks after my last smoke.
Well maybe I don’t know for sure because not a day goes by that I don’t toke
what I can. I love being high! Any way what was I saying? Hmm, can’t remember,
oh yeah, Burns never remembers shit. It’s like he can’t think anymore at all;
at least that’s what I think only it’s kind of blurry now. What was I just
thinking? I don’t remember.

I have been seeing a lot of Bob lately. I like talking to
Bob because I think he likes me. I like going to the observation deck and
starring at the stars and bull shitting with Bob the Chicken. Bob’s my bud.
Bob’s a chicken. Bob is God. So Bob is explaining to me how he made the whole universe
because he was getting bored being alone and the only thing that existed so I
says to Bob, I says, ”So did you make me Bob?” And he says “Indirectly.”
Whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean so I said, “Well then you fucked up
when you made me because you made me too big. They won’t let me become a Ghost
because I am too damn big, I can’t fit in a wraith or Goliath or even a siege
tank, I’m just too damn big. Why did you fuck up like that Bob?”

“Gee Deto, you seem like you do all right for the things you
do. You get quite a few medals don’t you? You’re as strong as a Bengaleese,
what seems to be the trouble?”

“ It’s just that if I could do those other jobs I think the
commander would like me more.”

“What makes you think the commander doesn’t like you? I
happen to know you are his favorite.”

“What the fuck? You know the commander?”

“Sure I do.”

“You have seen him face to face?”

“Of coarse.”

“How long have you known him?”

“His whole life, since the day he was born.”

“No shit? What’s he like? Who is he? How come we never see
him? How come you know him? Tell me everything!”

“Settle down Deto it’s no big deal, I will answer all your
questions. Of coarse I know your commander, you forget, I know everybody, I’m
God. Your commander’s name is Ralph Thorton; he is a seventeen-year-old boy who
lives in Terra Haute, Indiana in the United States of America on Earth. Ralph
is a student at Paramount high school and he doesn’t have a whole lot of
friends. His family moved there two years ago from Jackson Mississippi and he
is having a hard time adapting and fitting in with his new surroundings. His
grades are not very good and his parents put a lot of pressure on him to get
better grades. They tell him if he doesn’t do better he will have to quit his
part time job at Payless Shoe store. Ralph doesn’t want that to happen because
Jenny Gloppenhoefer works there and he has a crush on her. He agonises over how
he will ever work up enough courage to ask her out to a movie. She of coarse is
unaware of his existence because she is dating Joe Cammaron who is attending
college and has lied to her about being faithful to her while he is away. What
this is leading to is that Ralph is a lonely boy. He has a few friends but does
not see them very often. He has found solace in a computer game. He lives his
fantasies there.”

“How in the hell does he find time to do all that shit when
he has Armies to command? I’m not understanding this, not at all.”

“Deto haven’t you noticed that the transport time between
battles is taking longer and longer to happen?”

“ Well yeah, now that you mention it, it is a lot longer
between battles.”

“ It is because the commander is having to spend more time
on his homework and less time playing StarCraft.”

“So what the hell does that have to do with me?”

“ Well Deto, I wish there were some other way for me to tell
you this; but this is the only way you will understand, the difference to you
is that until Ralph plays Starcraft, and you do not really exist.”

“ What the fuck? Bob have you been sneaking in and smoking
my weed? You are fucking stoned out of your mind! What the fuck shit are you
talking Bob?”

“Just this, Deto, you are a GUI.”

“A what? What the fuck you call me? A gooie? What the hell
is that supposed to mean? Am I going to have to rip your head off and take a
shit down your throat? You better stop fucking with me because I’m starting to
get a little pissed.”

“I’m dealing you straight Deto, you are a GUI, a graphical
user interface. You are not a real person. You are a series of pixels used by
Ralph for him to access a sub-routine in his StarCraft game.”

“Oh what bull shit Bob. I’m not that stoned that I’m going
to believe this shit.”

“It doesn’t really matter if you believe, you don’t exist. I
mean don’t you think your existence is just a little strange?”

“What do you mean a little strange?”

“You don’t remember getting killed time and again?”

“I ain’t never been killed!”

“ But you have Deto, many times. In the game. In fact you
die more often than you live. It wasn’t until they added medics to the game
that you got any kind of survival rate worth mentioning.”

“Medics? You mean like Annie?”

“There was no Annie. Medics are just another kind of GUI. Annie never existed
either, never did and never will. You didn’t love somebody because you can’t.
You can’t experience any emotions, you don’t exist.”

“Now I’m getting pissed Bob!”

“No you are not, you would have to be real to have any
emotions, and you are not real. Nothing about you has ever been real.”

“But I had parents and a childhood!”

“Nope, never happened. They don’t exist.”

“Fuck you! I know what I am and I know that I am sitting
here on an intergalactic troop transport talking to a chicken named Bob.”

“Oh really? What galaxy is that Deto? What is the name of
this transport? Oh and what were your parents names again? What school was it
that you went to? It’s all starting to unravel isn’t it Deto?”

“NO!!! I’m not going to listen! You’re just fucking with my
head!”

“No I’m not Deto, you don’t have a head for me to bother
with. You are not real, you do not exist. Say it with me Deto, I do not exist.”

“NO, NO! I’M REAL! The commander loves me!”

“No love is too strong a term here Deto, he just likes to
build lots of marines in his little games he plays. He thinks it is fun.”

“NO, NO!! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!”

“You are right Deto, it is not happening. Now say it with
me, I do not exist.”

“YOU DO NOT EXIST!”

“ Clever but you know better, now say it.”

“ ALL Right then! I give up. I do not exist.”

 

 

 

Well that’s the end of the diary. There are some pages ripped
out of the back but I don’t think there was any more. Sorry it took so long to
type these hand written pages but it was real hard to read. I hope you enjoyed
them. Just goes to show what neat things you can find in used bookstores. Oh
well maybe I will see you there.