"I hate everyone"
-Assassin-X
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| PLOTHOLES! | | | Author: | | | IP: | slip-32-XXXX | | Date: | 05/13/02 07:05 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 8, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for Psychochild: 6.4000 |  | |
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Yeah, I know my last fanfic ain't even off the top ten recent reports, but I might as well...
Ha! You've been had! This has nothing whatsoever to do with SW! so get over it.
It was a long night last night, I'll tell you. I was up all night playing Donkey Kong
Country 2 on my new SNES, and nibbling on as much various crap as I could smuggle
from downstairs. I had just reached the end of the Lost World when a small stray beam of
light crossed the yard....
"Wake up wake up wake up!!"
It couldn't be! It was still dim outside! She wasn't supposed to be awake yet!!!
"WAKE UP!!!"
The empty sprite cans rattled and rolled as the footsteps rumbled up the stairs of my two
story home. Papers flew off my desk, icy winds dashed through the bedroom, lights
flickering. It was a lot like in Twister, right before the tornado hit that house...
Suddenly, a huge force smashed right into the door, sending off its hinges, and flying
across the room. The door whizzed right in front of my face, barely grazing my face.
Unfortunately for me, the doorknob didn't miss....
"AH GOD! IT STINGS! JUST SHOOT ME GOD!"
The pain was unbearable. I could feel my nerves screaming like the bitches they were
through my body. I was momentarily blind, but I didn't need to see who it (or what) it
was. However, I had a very strong feeling I knew.....
Meet my mother.
She's a feisty woman who, God forbid, is an eccentric gardener. She doesn't consider it a
day till she has filled 4 garbage bags full of dirt and weeds. Despite her age however, she
still seems to be able to strike fear (and doorknobs) into all of us.
"James, wake up. We have company coming, you aren't dressed, I need to get everyone
up, and you still have to mow the yard and weed!"
Strike me dead god! A lightning bolt or a giant flaming support beam from nowhere
would be REEEEALLY convenient. Unfortunately God doesn't do anything without a
good amount of haggling and a good old goat sacrifice, but I didn't really have the time.
"But its Saturday," I moaned, holding my forehead. "Couldn't you give me another hour?
At least to partially recover? I don't think my arm should really be, you know, dangling
like that."
I popped my forearm and allowed it to swing about a second to give a more visual effect.
I also do this when I do my Kermit the Frog impressions. "Lets bring out our guest
tonight, Mark Hamil! WOOO!"
"I don't care! Now get dressed and get out there!" she yelled, turning around and leaving
the room as quickly as she entered. You could actually see the satanic spirits leave along
with her. She's that terrifying. I heard the same speech down the hall from where I was,
upon my sister who was as well suffering her wrath. She has to wash the floor and
vacuum though, lucky girl.
5 minutes and about an eternity of yelling later, I stumbled outside wearing my sketchers
and jeans. I forgot my shirt somewhere along the way, but I was too scared to return. As I
stood there for a minute to let my retinas burn and adjust to the sunlight I realized I
wasn't the first out there , for among the flowers and bushes, I saw my father doing his
favorite chore, ant control.
In case you're wondering, "Mr.Mensa's" way of doing things go like this. First he gets a
thin party balloon, covers it with white sugar and chocolate syrup, then he'll fill the inside
of the balloon with ant poison. He'll place the sticky sweet mess on a suspected enemy
stronghold, run into the bushes, and laugh insanely as he waits for the unfortunate ant to
puncture the incredibly thin balloon. The anticipation made it all the sweeter...
I went into the garage, unfazed by this so called "unusual" ritual of his, and dug through
all the very poisonous chemicals located on the ground in search of the mower. I had just
found it, hidden underneath some tangled garden hose, when I heard a loud pop,
hysterical laughter, and the tell tell chocolate stains of victory splatter upon the driveway.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DIE YOU VICIOUS BASTARDS!"
I watched partially with embarrassment and amusement as my father did his damned
touchdown dance on the driveway, then bent down to pick up another Ant grenade and
wander off to find the next colony, which the morning recon scout (My brother) spotted
on the eastern perimeter. I shrugged it off, pulled out the lawn mower, and started on
clipping the grass of this grand 1/2 acre estate of ours.
This is when I finally realized the entire purpose of having any kids in the first place right
about now.
Free Labor
I could see why they put up with all the junk we pull on them. For about 9 months, 4
hours of unbearable pain, and those first 8 years of worthlessness, that means they get
about 14 years of free mowing, washing, cleaning and cooking all for room and board.
Not really a bad system, for the men anyway. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Then, all of a sudden, I fell in a hole.
Don't ask me where the hell the hole came from. I have been through my yard many a
time and whenever I came through, there wasn't anything that could qualify as a decent
Sarlaac Pit. Maybe it was a sinkhole? I dunno, but it was a pretty deep one. I fell for
about two minutes, when I suddenly relised that the hole I was falling was similar to that
of that stupid time portal graphic from Chrono Trigger...
Another hour later, I was still falling, I was quickly getting bored when I remembered a
friend of mine named Omen posted a story. His story (Cowabunga) recounted the events
of which he apparated into the middle of the galaxy after falling out of his chair, and
ending up jumping off a gigantic suspended platform into a never ending abyss, where he
starts getting methodical about the fate of video game characters that would fall into
those giant holes.. He eventually started a government, becoming Emperor of "The Giant
Black Pit". He fell for an entire day before he woke up. I'll post the link in comments
section, if he still has it somewhere.
Now this got me thinking. Was I supposed to fall forever? Would I ever see light again?
Do I even HAVE alter egos to vote me Prime Minister of "The Cheesy Chrono Trigger
Time Portal Graphic™?"
After several hours of singing showtunes, (O K L A H O M A OKLAHOOOOOOMA!!!
YEAH!) I was really starting to get bored, and the alter egos I had made so I could have
a democracy..(NOW VOTE FOR ME OR DIE DAMMIT!) were no picnic either. Walter
was pissed at Mary because Mary took his Barbie Doll, Mary's mad at Walter because he
took her latest issue of Architect's Design. AND they are both mad at me for not taking
anyone's side, so they claimed they never wanted to talk to me again, which is kind of a
drag, because I wanted to have a tea party that afternoon, NOT to mention they are the
voices in my head which makes it really even MORE sad than it already is......
Despite Omen's tale which he just re-awakened with Taco soup all over him, I actually
landed. I wasn't even paying attention at the time. I was making sorry cookies. It wasn't
anymore of a landing than being thrown out of a bar on my ass, just because I have a fake
I.D. and I was harassing the help. I got up off my butt and tried to figure out where I was.
Then I could hopefully work a way out of here.
There wasn't really to anything worth seeing at all. I had managed to set down onto a
square Cobblestone patch of land luminated only by a single dusty street light in the
center of the room. The rest of the place was all locked up, and fog stretched out for
miles all around. Of course, the only exit was a set of stairs that lead to another dark
chasm. Must be a very popular place for suicidal idiots who didn't kill themselves from
the first fall...
"Welcome young one." An elderly voice said, echoing through the mist...
I turned around surprised to learn anything could actually live here. There weren't even
any mosquitoes around the street light, a usual sight here in Florida. I stared into the
darkness, waiting for anything to move. Maybe I was hearing things?
"No, you weren't hearing things, James."
The voice came from right over my shoulder. I slowly turned around, and saw him. He
was about my height, dressed entirely in black robes, which is why I could have never
saw him, topped off with a bowler hat. I could see even in the bad lighting that his robes
were old and crudely mended with brownish leather, and his hat was in even worse
condition. That's when I noticed huge holes in his hat that were crudely torn. That'd
explain where he got the material to patch his robe.
"Who are you?" I asked, shoving my lawn mower in front of me. "Don't come too close! I
can run over your foot with this thing! It even says on the warning 'Keep hand and feet
away from the motor while in operation!' It has to be there for something or they'd never
go out of the way to put it there!" I revved the motor hoping for the devastating roar to
echo through the pit, and send the senile man running for his 4 remaining years of life,
but nothing happened. I bent over to check the wiring on the stupid thing. Just my luck. It
broke in the fall...
The man took a step forward, glancing at the lawn mower, and back at me, clearing his
throat. I noticed he got quite a bit closer too.
"Who are you!?" I asked again, taking a step back. "And where am I?"
I heard the old man cough loudly, as if he had some massive fluid in his lungs.
"Well, James, you are in "The End Of Time," and my name is..."
"OO! OO! OO! I saw this in Chrono Trigger! You are... Errr.... Cain?" I asked.
"That's Diablo." The old man replied.
"......Clark Kent?"
"Superman."
"......Michael?"
"NO!"
"Well, I'm all out of guesses..." I said, turning away.
"ARGH!!" The old man yelled, smashing his cane onto my skull.
"Ow.., so why am I here?" I asked, holding my head with my free hand. My other hand
was busy trying to re-wire the stupid mower. Is it red and yellow, you're a dead fellow?
Or yellow and black, you're OK Jack? I pondered as I tried to remember the old rules of
hot-wiring expensive foreign vehicles from my childhood days. Ah, that was one great
summer with that Prison Pen-pal program..
"....You are in the End Of Time, because either A. you're supposed to save the world, or
B., you made one hell of a plothole and fell into it, you idiotic writer. Happens everytime.
You'd be surprised how many times I've seen Omen and Keanu Reaver around here..."
I shifted my weight from foot to foot nervously. "So... Do I get a kick ass sword? I want
to kill more monsters than those N'Sync bastards have raving screaming groupies! That
how you get girls in the first place, by killing things. Unless they're those
environmentalist chicks, or worse vegetarians. I mean, have you, have you seen those
people at the..."
"NO! You're B.! You made an incredible plothole that requires you to be furiously
slapped in the rear until the stupid demon that's inside that made you do whatever you did
leaves your body!" The old man hollered. "Now drop your pants and grab your ankles...."
"But we just met..." I joked, "Aren't we supposed to wait till the 3rd date?"
The old man turned on his heels and headed on over to a glass case in the darkest corner
of the End Of Time. I heard him grunt as he opened the case, and he pulled out what
looked like a .... Canoe Oar? I watched as he swung the horrible thing with utmost
dexterity, Despite its monstrous size and the old man's frail physique. Being the rational
personal I am, I did what anyone else would do.
I panicked.
"Wait a second," I mumbled, in an attempt to literally save my ass, "Is this all that is the
end of time?"
"Why yes it is... Why do you ask?" He responded.
"Well, how do you live here? I mean there's no water, it's impossible for any food to
grow here, and while we're at it, why is The End Of Time on a London street corner?"
I heard a terrifying roar and once again I felt my body drop through the floor. I screamed
like a little girl until I was smashed overhead with a cane.
"STINGSABIATCH!" I yelled, and looked up. My lawn mower was gone, replaced by the
same senile old man that wanted ta slap my booty.
"You idiot! You opened a plothole within a plothole!"
"I.... Wha?" I asked. Today hasn't been too good for me. I keep getting smacked around.
"You opened a plothole while you were in a plothole! This never happened before! You
might have destroyed all of time! You doomed us all!"
"I.... Wha?"
We fell for awhile. Not as long as before. However, it seemed drag on even more, since I
had to listen to the old guy next to me pull a "Doc. Brown" on me. He told me how I
altered the Time Space Continuum, changed the future, and ultimately landed on his cat.
It was a LOOOOOOONG fall. Suddenly the portal had r-re-opened, tossing me and the
old man right onto some really nice plush carpeting.
Again I felt my feet give out from under me as a rolled to a stop on the ground. I didn't
even have a chance to get up before I was kicked in the ribs and shoved face first into the
carpet. "WHAT THE HELL!?" I yelled, my voice muffled by the shag carpeting. I rolled
over quickly on the ground and kicked the attacker in the chest, knocking the wind out of
him. My assailant was in reality a...large mall security guard?
Where did I get the sword? I have no idea..
I poked the pudgy security guard, and I had a little bit of good old fun sticking pencils
into his blubber and watching as they stayed there, suspended between a layer of fat and
fossilized jelly..
"JAMES!" The old man whispered, kicking me in the back. "Leave the guy alone."
"(sigh) Fine.." I walked away, but not before taking the fat guy's way too small shirt. It
actually fitted quite well.
I followed the old man, wondering where exactly we actually were. The hall I was
standing in was amazing. Pillars of marble loomed to both sides of us, towering at least
20 feet into the air. The walls were that of some pretty damn cold stone. And don't get me
started on the waxed floor. I got a chance to fix my hair though in my reflection. The Old
man dashed ahead to a pair of exquisite glass doors and with all of his strength, pushed
the door open.
"........." I should had said something, but that old guy hurt my head, and I wasn't in the
best mood.. I walked up in front of the doors, and with no effort of all stepped into the
motion sensor and watched the door slide open. I strolled right on in, my hands in my
pockets, and shot a smug look at the Old Man, who was trying to regain his stamina in a
nice chair, before he smacked me good in the gonads with his cane.
I was lying on the floor for a few minutes, moaning like a virgin on her wedding night (I
know it doesn't make sense, or isn't exactly "Appropriate." Screw that. This is my damn
story, its going on my damn website and I'll say as much perverted F&@$ing things I
want. Plus, have you SEEN B.Net or even ANYTHING on Battlereporters.com that was
clean? Deal with it, smart ass...
Anyways, when I could actually stand without pain, I gave the old man such a look.. He
stood up from his comfy chair and gave a cruel smile. "Follow me." He commanded.
"Why not..." I sighed,, and let him lead as much as he dang wanted. He had the ball
smacking cane anyways, and what am I to do? He turned a corner, and walked right on
in, and stopped. "Damn.. wrong room."
"As I told you, Windows XP 2002 will allow us to offer much more stability to systems
and create a very nice cash revenue. With current Research and Development, I expect a
workable Demo to be delivered to you by...2005. Does anyone have any questions?"
I stopped in my tracks. I know that voice! The stupidity! The Greed! Windows
XPWhogivesadamn! Indeed, I turned the corner, and let out a long gasp. I couldn't
believe my eyes. It was Bill Gates himself, surrounded by what looked like several
potential investors. I almost wetted myself. Not that I worship him, in case you're
wondering about my odd slightly disturbing reaction. In fact, I loathe him, but it has
always been my dream to go to Microsoft one day and begin one hell of a hostile
corporate take-over. That and to give Gates the Super Atomic Space Wedgie™, with
matching noogie. I felt like a kid at Disney World who just saw Mickey Mouse. Now to
destroy him...
"Excuse me, Mr. Gates?" I said, fiddling with the pockets on my jeans. "You just released
Windows XP not too long ago. Why do you feel you must already begin a new operating
system?"
"How'd you get in here?!" Gates asked, turning to me. "You're not authori..." he trailed off
as he saw the old homeless man standing next to me. "H-hello Belthasar... Y-you didn't
bring the paddle did you?" The Old man,...err... "Belthasar" shook his head, and stepped
back. "Be quiet James..."
"Answer my question Mr. Gates."
"Don't James!" The old man whispered. "Leave it be!"
"Also, you claimed that Windows 2000 would allow a lot more stability for things like
gaming and multi-tasking, yet upon release people had to scramble over themselves like
lemmings to obtain even new patches to support their recently Windows compatible
hardware. Not to mention gaming developers had to rush as well to create upgrades to
their software even though you promised improved capability. And last, why the hell
Windows XP 2002 when it won't be released for another 6-7 years?"
Behind me, I heard the Old Man slap his forehead and mumble something in a tongue I
couldn't understand. Several investors in front however, were murmuring in agreement.
"This is almost as bad as that Windows 98 and Windows 98 S.E. crap. The only
difference was that 98 S.E. wouldn't crash so much..." I muttered, glancing around the
very posh meeting room. I'm sorry, but that was Luxury..
I stood there staring down Gates, watching him squirm and walk over to his desk very
slowly, as if I was had dynamite strapped to my chest.
Note to self; buy some hot-dogs.
"Well, the thing is.. The... Errr...." Gates mumbled, "We had... We had..." I watched a
bead of sweat run down his face, thinking of a logical answer that would actually make
some sense, when I suddenly had a shiver. You know the kind, when you're watching a
movie and this totally awesome action scene comes right out of nowhere. I call it the
"Testosterone Sense." Yeah, I know its a rip off Spiderman's spider sense. Leave me
alone.
"James, we must go!" The old man said, yanking on my arm, as hard as he could. "We
must get out of here!"
"Why?" I asked. "I had Gates in a headlock here and you say its time to go!? This is my
life dream, to take over Microsoft! I already took out his security guard. I embarrassed
him in front of what looked like investors, and here I am, watching Gates himself
STUMPED! At least let me give him a wedgie or even a super noogie!"
"......Fine." The old man sighed. I quickly ran up to Gates, reached down the back of his
pants, and pulled his diamond underwear up and over his head. So THIS is where Disney
got the idea for the villain from Hunchback Of Notre Dam II....
"LETS GO NOW!" The Belthasar yelled, grabbing my arm and tearing out of that office
like the building was on fire.
"WHAT'S WRONG!?" I yelled, trying to make as much commotion as possible. The old
man pulled me aside and slammed me into a wall. I instantly did what thousands of years
of evolution had taught me....
"TAKE MY LUNCH MONEY!"
The old man punched me in the gut and whispered fiercely in my ear. "Back there in that
room, you caught Mr. Gates in his own plothole! YOU stumped HIM! Now, due to your
damn pride, a portal has begun to grow underneath the Microsoft building! Actually, its
been there ever since Microsoft released Windows 98 S.E., which is EXACTLY like
Windows 98! Its been brewing and now you've gone and done it! The portal has finally
grown larger than the building, and soon the entire place will be enveloped into space
and time! We have to reach the roof NOW!"
I nodded, absorbing this all in. "So....... do you still want my lunch money?" I asked,
reaching into my pockets. "I still have about 1.50 from Thursday.."
That's when I felt it. It started as a tiny vibration, like when that huge guy living in the
apartment above you just put in his Richard Simmons tape and tries to follow along, then
grew from there. The nice floor which reflected my beautiful face cracked and shattered
everywhere. The walls themselves showed wear and tear, although they looked a lot more
sturdy. "The emergency stairs are over here," I pointed behind me. "We can try that."
Belthasar ran past me towards the stairs, and threw his body at the door. He threw
himself at the door a few times, cursing, when he finally noticed the doorknob. With
lightning speed he reached for it and twisted it.
It didn't open.
He tried the other way.
It stayed closed.
Belthasar threw his fist on the door, and yelled. "WHY DO THEY LOCK THE
EMERGENCY STAIRS?!"
I did a polite cough, and pointed towards a little sign on the door.
PUSH.
"Boy, you just don't have too many doors in the End Of Time do ya?" I joked, as he
ripped the door open and stumbled through.
"By any chance have you ever seen that Far-Side cartoon? They got a boy at a gifted
school pushing on a door that says Pull?" (THWACK)
We stumbled up their stairs to the best of our abilities, which wasn't much compared to
the fact that everyone on the floors above us were trying to get DOWN. Hundreds of
people shoved against us, and several times I had almost gotten thrown off the railing due
to my "Moaning like a virgin" crack from a very pissed off censor. I just shoved him
down the stairs and continued up. Belthasar was stories above me, and it looked like he'd
have no trouble this way now, because the upper floors had already cleared out.
"AHHH!" I yelled. Literally out of nowhere ,a flaming support beam came down right in
front of me, which was odd since the entire area here was solid stone. I could had used
beam though this morning.
Obviously god wants me dead, or he's slow to process requests.
Whatever way you look at it, I couldn't go up any farther. I would probably burn myself if
I tried to jump over it. I headed back down to the nearest floor and dashed through,
looking for another stairway, or even a working elevator. By now, however, the small
rumbling of the fat guy had suddenly took a turn for the worse, and the entire building
started sinking into the ground. Looking out of a large glass window, I could see the
edges of the Plothole emerging from under the building.
I ran on through the empty cubicle-esque office, but there was nowhere else to go that I
could see possible. It was too late. Belthasar was probably safe now, returning to his little
corner of time, but I was still here. What would happen to me? What is going to happen?
I sat down in one of those cheap plastic seats, and stared out the window as the sky sank
into nothing and the building was plunged into a green glow. I felt the momentary sense
of weightlessness associated with falling, and almost vomited that time. This was a lot
more serious to me now. I felt so alone, now that Belthasar was gone. I'll miss that guy...
Then, something hit me in the back of the head, hard. I tumbled out of my seat, and hit
the ground hard before blacking out.
The odd thing is, I remember... being dragged out of the window? I can't honestly tell you
what happened next, not for now. This is basically where I'm gonna let you go. I know,
you're all thinking that the events that took place just now, from this morning with
mowing to now was pretty abrupt, my apologies, but this is just the beginning of the
story. Its gonna get worse before the end. Trust me.
Pics were done from DL'ing a rom from the net and taking SS from there, so excuse the crappiness please.
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