After mastering the art of paragraph’s (through countless hours of previewing my report before submitting (by the way, I don’t think the back button on the preview screen works properly…maybe spend a second to check it out)), and having my first report being deleted (censorship?) despite some helpful comments that I thankfully had a chance to read, I am bringing you phase II of Del Boca Vista (actually, phase II of my quest to figure out how this crazy thing works).

Premise:

The search continues for the mythical nohunters. Thanks to some helpful viewers of my previous report, the biggest error of my search was due to looking in CHANNEL nohunters, whereas I was supposed to be looking in CLAN nohunters with some weird-ass squigglies. So, with my new-found (land?) knowledge of what part of the world I was supposed to be looking in, with my heart a-flutterin’, I began what would be YET ANOTHER WASTE OF TIME.

The Beginning:

I log onto BattleNet, and begin my search for the ever-elusive halls of Valhalla (otherwise known as nohunters), hoping to simply catch a glimpse of the greatness that is spewn throughout countless battlereports. After logging in under one of my now infamous (unfamous is a more accurate description, but I do not believe that is a word) names (i.e. NobodyBeatsMe, ZiggyStardust, MaskedDebater, etc.), my heart sinks as I look at the screen. Seeing as I am new to this scene, maybe it is just me, but MY screen does not have a “BUTTON” to take me to a clan. It has a CREATE button, even a CHANNEL button, but everywhere I look, I do not see a CLAN button. It appears that I have been waylaid yet again (by forces unknown). So, I again make MY NoHunters channel, anticipating someone as dense as me falling into my pit of despair.

The Game:

Many hours later, someone enters. Lets call him Computer. Now I know what you are thinking. There are people out there who have the name Computer. Well, this Computer is different. This Computer is someone I am very familiar with. In fact, I probably play this Computer about 10 games per week, invoking various strategies against him (or her, Computer is very tight-lipped about personal aspects of life). Despite all the games we play together though, I must say that this Computer is not that intelligent, as they will fall for the same “tricks” just about every time I play them. You would think that some of it would sink in by now, but they don’t. Anyhow, on to the game between:

NobodyBeatsMe

and

Computer

On one of the most under-rated maps out there:

WINTER CONQUEST

Early Game:

For those of you unfamiliar with Winter Conquest, it is a Brood War Ladder Map, kind of like a 6 person Lost Temple. I started as Zerg at the 7 o’clock position, Computer started at 10:30 as Terran. I scout with my first overlord in a counter-clockwise position (useless…becoming a habit), not finding my opponent until my second overlord. Second overlord was built at 9, with a second hatchery at my natural expansion below my base on 12, followed by a spawning pool beside my minerals at the top of my base (farthest away from my ramp…GOSU anyone?). Computer went barracks on 8, supply depot on ten, academy on 12 (all these building were placed haphazardly throughout Terran’s base, with no rhyme-or-reason to the layout…except maybe to slow down my Ultralisk herd of doom).

Mid Game:

There had yet to be any conflict between these Masters (of their Domain?), so I build yet another hatchery at the top of my ramp, with a couple of token sunkens for defence. Lair upgrade at my main, Hydralisk den forming in main, followed by queens nest. Computer, after massing about ten marines, three medics and two firebats, decides to visit my base (forgoing any scouting to locate it…map hack anyone). The token sunkens attract most of the fire, while my hydras (yes I built them…get with the program) take pot shots at the Terran defenders. Sensing an early victory, after stopping the Terran juggernaut, my remaining 6 hydras scoot to the Terran base, only to be taken down by mass tank fire, without even making it to the ramp. I did happen to see the beginnings of an expansion at the Terran natural though (maybe Computer did learn something after all those games after all (too many after’s in that sentence?)). 6 queens are quickly morphed from two of my hatcheries, with the other making more hydras. Hydra upgrades are soon complete, followed by Spawn Broodling (for those tanks, dumbass).

Late Mid-Game:

After a couple of scouting missions with a few queens to send in some parasites, the other four queens take care of some tanks post-haste (without delay…moron). Hydras have been constantly massing at my bases, so attack move they go, with some newly formed zerglings (just for shits and giggles). Despite the massive Conga line, the sporadic placement of bunkers, buildings, and some newly made tanks do not fare very well, and my guys make it all the way to the Terran ramp before finally falling.

Late Game:

As all you GOSU readers out there know, you always expand just before an attack, allowing that new base time to finish. Well, I didn’t know that, but I did know that if I was to expand to the 5 o’clock base (very far away from 10:30…look at a clock dammit), it should go undetected for along time. That base was up and running in record time (despite a lack of a Maynard transfer), and with some sporadic zergling scouts checking out Computer’s war machine, I realized the game was well in hand. So much so, that I did not hesitate to broodling 6 of Computer’s SCV’s at the newly formed expansion at the natural, hastily followed by yet another conga line of hydras. These hydras do amazingly well for having no attack or armour upgrades (sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t), and completely decimate the Terran base. I give a few quick “gg”’s, but Computer just ignores me. The game hasn’t ended yet, so some quick scouting with my queens finds a newly made Command Center at 12:34, which is quickly annihilated. Again, the shout of “gg”’s leaves my keyboard, but Computer (I assume) just sits at his desk, wondering how they were beat YET AGAIN.

Post Game:

Well, another bad report of a bad game, but what do you expect from a player of Computer’s calliper (spell check says this is correct…I think it should be one l, not two)?

And so, without further ado, I bid adieu to all you nohunters out there who refuse to let me be one of the elite.