The Great 1 v 1 of Pissed offedness

Now generally I am a pretty mellow person. Someone can bump into me while I'm walking, and I won't give it a second thought. A person might cut in front of me at Coffee Kingdom, and I'll just say to myself, hey an extra half a minute isn't a problem. Someone can even rudely snap at me and all I'll do is look at them sympathetically. But sometimes people can just go too far!

So I was on b.net kinda late last night. Went into my normal channel and found only a bot and an afk person. I was in the mood for a game of Starcraft though so I started up the join screen to find a pubby game. I don't see much, but I stick around for a while, and eventually a good game pops up with the wonderful title of 1v1 I checked the map and a smile spread across my face. It was Challenger, a map I've almost never lost on. I quickly joined and the chat screen pops open

Now with most pubby games the host at least says rdy or gl hf before they start. This guy said absolutely nothing for an at least annoying amount of time. No prob though cuz maybe he's afk, went to the bathroom and to get a drink. He started the game and we're off.

We both went random and I, Puma5000 showed up on top with a brown protoss nexus while my opponent, REMI_LE_FENIT appeared with the purple protoss. So I go about my build order with a pylon on 7 and then scout with it, followed up by a gateway on 10 and a second on 12. Remi on the other hand decided for a pylon on 8, also using the probe to scout, and a gateway then an assimilator on 9.

Right as he starts his assimilator our probes reach each other's bases and I discover Remi's teching plans, letting me know my 2 gate build was a good idea. Too bad I couldn't put an assimilator in Remi's base though :) So as my probe moves away discontentedly around his base I make the flying robot happy again. I tell him to loop around Remi's main and tell it to hide behind it for some future scouting.

Remi continued his tech build with a cyber core on 12 on the other side of his nexus, preventing me from gaining easy access to his supply line. At the same time I added another pylon at home for zealot production, with Remi adding the same.

I then got a plan in my cracked-out head. I was going to try to use a strategy that I hadn't tried for a long time. The dreaded cannon push! So at home I added a forge and a pylon behind his minerals, hoping not to be noticed.

Unbeknownst(yep, that is actually spelled right) to me, Remi had plans to use cannons too, adding a forge to the right of his nexus, making it even harder to get to his probes. That is if I went through the front door but with years on Fonzi characters, who would do that? So I sent my first zealot and then 2 more to his base, with the first waiting at the choke. I started on my first cannon behind his base but alas, it was just within view of his new forge. But 3 zealots were on Remi's door step with another 2 on the way.

So as my probe and cannon fell to a dragoon and probe, I moved my zealots to him supply line, just in time to see a dragoon pop out of his gateway. They were able to almost destroy the dragoon as it moved to the right of his peon line, where the other one began to attack my zealots too along with a handful of probes. But my zealots were too much and brought noth goons down to the red. I finally was able to kill both, but my zealots finally died to probe fire.

I added an extractor to not be left behind in tech, and kept pumping zealots as more were playing tag at his base with a dragoon and 2 probes. But my peon line play was to end for now because of a new cannon warping in right below his nexus.

I was bringing another probe down to make more cannons, since Remi had forgoten about my pylon. I hoped I could still use it and began warping in 2 cannons, while distracting with 2 zealots. They were killed, but 2 more were walking in so I brought them around Remi's base to support my cannons. They were seen and both cannons and zealots, along with the probe and pylon were destroyed. I did cancle one at the last minute and took a dragoon with the other cannon before it fell. He then went for the ultimate insult, and called me "You stupid newbie" to which I replied, "Nope, just wanted to try something new".

Just as this happened, my third gateway warped in and I started a cyber coreon the way to get speedy zealots with goon support. Remi finally added a second gateway. My plan had worked (almost) perfectly. Remi had no initiative now and a hampered economy. I put him on the defensive and to keep him that way, I sationed 4 zealots at his choke with more on the way.

Remi would have none of it though and brought his goons out to play. He attacked my 4 zealots and then retreated them to his cannons. Remi was able to do this once more before I pulled the 4, along with 2 more from home, back to my base. Remi dragoons followed until just outside and then pulled back. Once I saw that they were no longer following me I stopped them and patrolled them a little ways from his choke.

By this time I had started a Citadel of Adun and he a robotics facility. I was alos starting to pump dragoons now, and getting the range upgrade which Remi had added after my first assault. I also remembered about expansions so moved one of my probes over to my mineral only, To start a nexus once I had the cash.

He must have decided to expand then because he had stopped dragoon production and brought out his army of 4 with a probe in tow. Now I didn't see this probe so I assumed he was just attacking, with reinforcements on the way. I had only just started my speed upgrade so the goons got a few free shots in before the armies reached my base. I should also note that we had started our attack upgrades at about the same time and they were about to finish.

His army waltzed right on into my base and then quickly tangoed out. My 3 spankin' new dragoons had appeared and met up with my zealots with appropriate greetings being exchanged.

Of course once the plasm bolts started flying they got down to buisiness and started to lay the smack down, thus giving Remi the incentive to pull out.

I ordered my forces to follow and went back to base to que up some more zealots and dragoons. Unfortunately my troops decides to race one another and one dragoon got ahead of the pack. Remi's army turned and destroyed him, then ran some more. My army paused in their homicidal thoughts to offer their condolences to the family of the twice deceased goon, and to stop by Larry's Restraunt for the soup special of the day. But two of my zealots were out for revenge! They hunted those goons down, and then ran their protoss asses off. One got too many fireballs to the backside though, and burst into a ball of blue fire to heat up the soup.

Remi's army finally made it back to his base so mine waited outside for reinforcements and the speed/range upgrades to finish. But what I didn't know was that Remi's first shuttle had just been built by his robotics facility. He picked up a probe and dropped it off at the southern island where it stayed until it grew gray and got old with long wiskers from it's robotic little chin.

I then moved my small army of 5 goons/5 zealots in to ask compensation for Philbert and the unnamed zealot. Needless to say there were some squables and my army got thrown out for public drunkeness. I then decided that since I was about to expand, Remi must have expanded too, and since I couldn't check the islands, I might as well go for the other mineral only.

Remi then proceeded to call me "You godamn hacking bastard" and loaded his shuttle up with two goons, bringing it up the left side of the map. I then replied "Yup it's my logix hax". I think he then yelled at me some more about admiting too it, but I didn't really notice. My own robotics facility was just warping in and I had started my nexus at the mineral only. Too bad I didn't notice the shuttle as it flew by overhead though. It dropped two goons on top of my main's cliff, and killed about 3 probes before I told them to go to my new expansion.

Just before that, my army had begun heading toward his main, and I sent a zealot from my base to join them in the attack. But he never made it. He saw Remi's lead goon, and being the delusionally psychotic fanatic that all zealots are, thought he saw a bunch of spiders and tried to squash them. Of course spiders don't shoot balls of fire from their dicks, so he was quickly medicated.

Seing the brute squad on the way to my main, I started my own army in pursuit, hoping to catch them between reinforcements and my outbound army.It work quite nicely. Three zealots were in my base and attacked, catching them in my little net of troops. Remi's army was annihalated so I moved my 6 zealots and 5 dragoons toward his base.All through this my kind opponent was ranting about me being a newbie hacker so needless top say, I was getting a little pissed off and my replies started to have an angrier edge to them.

I guess he had decided that 2 gateways just weren't enough and started two more. But by the time they were done, I had started moving in. He had just finished 4 dragoons and he used them, the cannon under his nexus and his multitude of probes to fart on a zealots head and give one of my goons a nasty bruise (Did I mention that my armor upgrade had just finished?)

Just then I noticed how the connection was getting really choppy. It had started about a half-a-minute ago and now was really bad. I had figured "Hey, maybe my brother just hopped on the network and was downloading an mp3, but now I wasn't so sure. So I started laying into his 2 new gateways. But the waiting for players screen kept on popping up. All the while Remi as saying things like "Nice connection there pal" and "So you're gonna disc be now you hacker?"

I finished the two gateways and moved my army to his ramp to wait for reinforcements. I might have been able kill him then but he did still have a couple of blockaded ranged attackers and quite a few probes. Plus I fugured that maybe if the screen calmed down the connection would solidify.

But then this final message popped up and didn't go away.

A few seconds after the countdown reached zero I was messeged.

REMI LE FENIT : Nice disconnecting me newbie hacker

I then hit the drop player button and immediately began messeging him telling him why I knew he had disconnected me. He then told he he had 2 island expansions and like 4 carriers. So in my calm demeanor, I politely told him

Puma5000 : You fucking lying disconnector! I'm gonna check goddamn replay for that

But he kept on bitching at me, and was asking for a rematch as I entered the replay game. I told him that I don't play disconnecting bastard lyers, among other things. Once I had gotten through the whole this I busted out with a very wordy and intelligent reply

Puma5000 : You fucking bastard lying son of a bitch! I just checked the replay so fuck off!

But alas, he was no longer logged on. So I checked his stats and understood why. He was a record whore. 2000+/100+/150+ And that is why I decided that revenge was a dish best served cold and began writing this report. Actually I finished half of it while still quite angry, then I went to bed. Once I got back to this report it was about 8'oclock at night and when I actually thought about the situation again I decided against hounding REMI and bitching about him everywhere I go. heheh, when you're that tired stupid ideas get into your head

Lessons Learned

1: You probably won't find good mannered players on that late at night.

2: I'm a vindictive bastard when the following combinations are in effect; being disconnected, being lyed and bitched at by the person who disconnected you, and not going to sleep until 4 in the morning

3: Blue goon soup is like those tinny little red berryies. It's tasty and looks good to eat but is also deadly

4: Mass goons with 2 gateways doesn't work

5: Writing a battle report is very annoying when you havn't used html or a graphics program in 4 years

6: You get kinda pissed off when halfway through your report you find that FrontPage Express is on your computer

7: I could probably keep on making shit up, but you must be bored by now since this game only lasted 14 minutes and was on Challenger

Okay I'm done, you can go home now.