"I'm just a cute furry bug."
-SnowSquall
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| Duel of the Phates! (REAL) | | | Author: | | | IP: | s6.dial1XXXX | | Date: | 01/04/02 05:01 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 5, Min: 5
Lifetime Rating for Dragonsven: 5.6000 |  |
”Duel of the Phates!”
(Originally the “Duel of the Fates" but due to a current lawsuit by George Lucas I can’t use that name. Apparently it’s illegal to use a copyrighted song title. And I thought this was a free country. Pfff.)
Warning: Readers beware! This is a Diablo II report. My much cooler, MUCH longer Starcraft BR starring NTT and IntotheRain is coming soon. Let this sate your thirst for ultra gay (as in happy...right?!?) Dsven reports until next week.
As always, I must first prepare my report with a list of censored words as this is a BR intended for the whole family. At first I censored the word “the" but that didn’t quite work out the way it was supposed to. (Believe it or not, “#$% golem attacked #$% target" does not read well. Go figure.) If you’re 14 and under, read everything but this section. Wait: never mind. Don’t read any further! Save yourselves now! Thanks for staying =].
1) SHIT = doodoo
2) FUCK = sexual intercourse
3) WEEDWHACKER = weedwhacker
4) BLOODY HELL = blueberry muffin
5) ASS = cock-and-balls
5) ANAL SEX = +Mep+
(Actually, ANAL SEX never appears anywhere else in this report. I
just wanted you to know that if it had; I would have censored it.)
The first thing you have to know about this game is that during this entire game I was horribly drunk. So drunk in fact, that I mistook a jar of peanut butter for toothpaste. Needless to say: scratch one toothbrush. For convenience’s sake I’m going to color code our names. I’m BLACK because that’s the color of my little cutie wutie kitty cat, Sydney. WaxSeraphim is PINK because he’s a pansy cock-and-balls Brit. It’s OK, we love each other. Well then, on to the MAYHEM!
Dragonsven
vs.
WaxSeraphim
A day before I’d promised WaxSeraphim that I’d duel my level 14 necromancer against his level 13 necromancer. Now dueling drunk is not the best idea, as you’ll soon find out. Here’s some pregame talk:
WaxSeraphim: Are we going to duel?
TheAngelLucifer (ME): yez1/
WaxSeraphim: Okay. (goes to hostile)
TheAngelLucifer: wait let mee turn/ my hak on1
Now I don’t know about you but most people usually don’t tell their opponents their turning on a hack. The drunken me DOES. Doodoo! Luckily WaxSeraphim thought I was joking...or he just didn’t care. He’s like that while he’s drinking his tea. Sexual intercourseing Brits. With that: on to the MAYHEM...for real this time!
Somebody gets their cock-and-balls kicked! (P.S. I’m well aware my censoring system makes no freaking sense. And I say freak. Thank you.)
Anyway, I turned my hack on. Now my hack is really ingenious. Besides not making me invincible it also managed to take my 76 HP and turn it into 34. Not only that but it also allowed me to cast spells on myself. (Note to programmers: Never write your own hacks unless you really know what the sexual intercourse you’re doing. I just learned the hard way.) As I chased WaxSeraphim down in the Blood Moor I cast my level 2 Bone Armor. I found him rather quickly and ripped out some Iron Maiden. Unfortunately, I was drunk to the point where I couldn’t tell the difference between the middle of the screen (me) and the right hand corner of my screen (him). So when I started whacking him with my sword I was effectively kicking my own cock-and-balls.
You may be thinking this really sucked for me. You’re right. By the time I realized what had happened he and I together had managed to take off my bone armor and reduce my health to 14 HP. Luckily, I can run like a little biatch and I got away. I quickly drank down a Light Health Potion and recast Bone Armor. Also, I tossed my sword away and grabbed my wand. WaxSeraphim appeared in my screen at that moment. He had now cast his own set of Bone Armor and he had a Clay Golem following him. So I cast my own Clay Golem and they started to beat the crap out of each other. Not only was my Clay Golem level 2, I had one point in Golem Mastery. He just had a level 1 Clay Golem. Couple that with the Iron Maiden I cast on it, this should have been an easy fight. Well it wasn’t. I pulled out Teeth and started firing away rapidly at WaxSeraphim. I cast Clay Golem at least 8 times before I realized I hadn’t switched spells. By then I had no mana.
Now you’re thinking, well, besides the fact that I’m a moron, “ Dragonsven rips out his Mana Potion and opens a can of whoop down". Well you’re wrong. What happened was I realized I had no Mana Potions. I bet you can guess what I did now. That’s right! I ran like a pansy. I ran like I was a 15 year old gay guy who just saw N’SYNC go down his street. I ran like I was little biatch with Jackie Chan on my cock-and-balls. I ran like...you get the point.
Okay. Take five. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. Get yourself a Coke, some doritos, and put your seat in their upright and locked positions. Ready? And...go!
I made it back to town in record time and bought a few potions. I then made a kind request of WaxSeraphim:
TheAngelLucifer: senda tp u buttmunc
WaxSeraphim: Blueberry muffin.
So he sent me a Town Portal. It took me around 5 minutes to realize I couldn’t use the Portal and another 3 to figure out why. My thoughts on the subject: “Oh yeah. You can’t use a hostile player’s Town Portal. Hehehehehehehehehe. That’s so funny. I can’t use the Town Portal. Hahahahahaha. I wonder if there is any ham left in the fridge? Mmm...ham."
After eating a slice of ham I raced out to WaxSeraphim's position in the Cold Plains. (Not quite as fast as when I ran away.) Right before I got there I figured out I could have used the Waypoint. I then made a mental note to stop owning myself. So I once again recast my Bone Armor and my Clay Golem. He did the same. Once again our Clay Golems beat the doodoo out of each other only this time mine actually won. The future looked dim for our British tea-drinking biatch as my Clay Golem opened a new cock-and-ballshole for him. I backed my creature up with level 4 teeth. Due to an insane amount of Mana Potions, WaxSeraphim managed to cast Clay Golem twice to kill my Clay Golem. He also recast his Bone Armor at least 5 times. My mana was low to the point where I dared not cast another Golem so I took out my sword and charged him.
If you don’t play Diablo II let me explain something for you. Once you’re past level 10 you really shouldn’t be getting involved in melee combat with your necromancer. And if you do, you really shouldn’t be using your wand. That’s right, I forgot to put my sword in my hand. Go me. It’s like attacking a 10 feet thick steel alloy plate with a weedwhacker. It doesn’t work. At all. So I dealt my 2-4 damage to WaxSeraphim for a few seconds before deciding that this really wasn’t working out for me. So I pulled out my secret weapon. That’s correct. I ran again. Really fast. (I’ll lay off the similes for now. Just wait until the next paragraph. =p)
WaxSeraphim had had just about enough of my running so he chased after me. Note to self: put points in dexterity. I ran out of stamina before he did, far, far away from the town. A Clay Golem, three Teethes, and four sword whacks later my corpse was lying on the ground next to my ear and about 300 in gold. My response:
TheAngelLucifer: supid haker
This has been a DRAGONSVEN report. Know it, love it, and give me nice comments. I’ll leave you with the quote of the day:
“You know you’re doing something wrong when you have dreams about getting your ass kicked by Canadian mounties."
- Forever_Knight |
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