"It just means he hasn't gotten around to killing me yet."
-D'Artagnan
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| This is THE paintball BR..so..BLAH | | | Author: | | | IP: | h000094cXXXX | | Date: | 09/02/01 09:09 | | Game Type: | Other | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 2, Max: 7, Min: 5
Lifetime Rating for [e2]Squad: 6.0000 |   | Let me give you a little warning before we get started with this “BR”. This isn’t a BR about a computer game. No, this is about a Paintball match. So if you don’t like paintball, or me (which you shouldn’t, because paintball owns), you had better go read a Dagomar BR, and congratulate him on becoming a rater. (There’s your plug dag, where’s my 10??? =)) Yes, I know that’s a little late. So now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, lets move on to this “BR”.
I have heard a lot about paintballing. Over the Internet, from friends, etc. So when I heard that a couple of friends were going out, I decided to ask them if I could join them (yes, it does sound rude, but I really don’t care). We decided to go out Saturday, since the forecasters PROMISSED a sunny day. When Saturday arrived, I hopped into the back of my friends Blazer (ooohh, it sounds cool) and leaned against the new leather upholstery (all the better to have sex in, my dear). As we sped toward our destination, my friend put a CD into the player…it was a Smash Mouth CD, playing the revised Beetle’s “Believer” (you know, that one… The “now I saw her face, now I’m a believer”…STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT). So after I slapped my friend around from the back seat, we eventually got to the paintball fields.
It took a couple of minutes before our other friends showed up. Apparently, one of my friends refused to go down to the car without finishing his masturbation session. We laugh at the guy, cuz he showed up in a white shirt, and gray pants. He’s fucked. When we go into the shop, we find that you can only get one type of paintball gun, and it’s a pump action P.O.S. O well, not like we’re gonna be up against pro’s right? We saw about ten 9 year olds waiting outside, no contest. Also inside the shop, we got a set of goggles each, and a free defogging…thing. We also find we can borrow camouflage outfits. Might as well try it. Blasting away 9 year olds feels best when you feel like a pro doing it. So I get one on, and it stinks. Manly, yo. Then when we get outside, I find some 5 pro’s waiting for us, with what looks like about 7 army guys (we live about 20 miles from a base, and the fields are right in between). Let me give you a definition of each:
Pro: really tight looking bastards with their camo, and new guns. One of them looks to be carrying a sawed off paintball shotgun. They look badass, but they can’t be that good…right?
Army dudes: standing together looking kind of grim. They look like they want to start a war or something (go uncle sam!). They are also in full camo, only they are using the shop’s rentals. Looks like they want to show us a thing or two about how to fight a fake war.
Us: we are the coolest people there. We can own them all, even if we have about seven 9 year olds on our team.
So we are set up into teams. To make it fair, they split up the pro’s and army dudes. We got two pro’s, five army guys, me and my friend, and four of the little buggers we know as 9 year olds. The other team had three pro’s, two army guys, my other two friends, and six 9 year olds. We head over to a strange looking field, which looks to be a mix of things. Let me see if I can get you to understand how it looks:
The length of the field is about one hundred meters, width is about 75 meters. At one end of the northern part of the field (length) there’s a small hut. This is one of the bases, at the other side, there is another hut. So let me give it to you in general. North has base, south has base. Both consist of the same looking hut. There are three little barriers after the huts (mirrored on each side). Now we get towards the middle. In the middle of the field, there is a ridge. On top of the ridge there is a bunker facing both ways, with the sides open and no top. In the east, there is a tower with two floors, with the bottom floor just a way to get up to the second. The tower can shoot down onto the bunker. In the west, there is a pond with a couple of pontoons to get across on, or you could just go around. There are several trees and rocks scattered around, with a small clump of trees next to the pond
The game we are going to be playing on this field is capture the flag. Now that we know what’s going on, let’s get onto the game!
We start on the south side of the field. While the pro’s and army guys start arguing over strategy, all of the 9 year olds run forward screaming at the top of their lungs to engage their friends on top of the hill. They shoot the fuck out of each other, and it comes down to a one on one duel between the two biggest 9-year-olds. They eye each other, and then the one from our team pulls up his gun and starts firing. The other kid is a regular Jackie Chan. He manages to dodge two rounds, while firing the whole time, with the other kid just stands there shooting and laughing his head off. Eventually, the laughing kid gets plastered. O well, the remaining 9-year-old is in range of one of our army dudes, and gets shot with about 8 rounds of paint. With that out of the way, we come down to an 8v8. After laughing at the stupidity of the nine-year-olds, the big army man comes up with a plan, take the bunker and the tower. BIG PLAN! GENIUS! My friend and I are assigned to go to the bunker and hold it, along with an army dude. While the pros are assigned the tower, 1 army dude is to hook around to the western-most bunker to protect the flank. The rest of the army dudes are to protect the flag.
The pro’s set out with little fire, because the ridge blocks a bit of the field. Then my team sets out. A straight dart to the bunker. We get there faster than the other team, who look like the are just as well to carefully slink forward. It looks like they are sending most of their people to the fort. Fuck. We start raining down paintballs upon them, but they are so well covered that they take no notice. When I see it’s of no use, I tell my friend to fall back, they are going to take the tower. We take off, but the army guy stays. I tell him to get to the tower, I’m going to the west side. The pro’s are almost there, but the other team is closer. But maybe my friend can get there…
My mission is to see if I can hook around the lake to get at their flag. But then something clicks; two of their army guys weren’t in that frontal assault. I immediately dive behind a tree to contemplate my situation. I come to the conclusion that I’m pretty fucked. If I continue, they’ll probably set an ambush. If I retreat, then they have a better chance of getting our flag. I can’t stick around, or else I’m dead. I decide to go on.
I stick next to the tree line as I skim across the field on the lakeside. Then I look at the pond; the water is rippling. I continue walking along, then the water splashes up in two places. The bastards swam in and hid in the lake! I dive into the trees pulling a John Woo and firing at them with one hand. I manage to catch one on the shoulder (a miracle!). The other one starts coming forward at me out of the water, but it’s harder running in water than on land, so I take off instead of risking a loss in our little duel. I run like a pansy through the woods with the guy chasing me. He loses me when I hide behind a rock in a little thicket.
When I’m sure the coast is clear, I start towards their fort. I also hear some strangled cries from the direction of the tower and ridge. I think our side is winning, or maybe it’s just hope talking. I start towards their hut, and I find no resistance. I walk into their hut, no resistance. I find the flag, no resistance. Apparently, they lost so many of the players, they sent their flag defenders up to the front. Bad choice. What I don’t realize is that we’ve done the same thing. We took the tower, but they are more forward in position. The only thing stopping them from going to the flag is the guy who used to be in the western bunker. He moved over to the middle bunker when our people took the bunker. The tower is keeping them down.
I start back towards our base up over the ridge and hop into the bunker. I look for an avenue to get to our flag without being noticed or shot at. Then I see him. A guy from the other team was able to take out our guy in the middle bunker, and has our flag. He’s avoiding fire from the tower and heading towards the lake. If he gets behind the ridge, the tower can’t shoot at him. He gets there and hops onto a pontoon. He starts hoping from pontoon to pontoon with the agility of a lemur on some sort of herb that makes you more agile.
That’s when I make my move. I leave the flag in the bunker, and tear down the side of the hill. I yell at the guy to stop, and surrender. Dumb idea. He reels in my direction gun blazing, only he swings off-balanced on the pontoon. SPLASH! In he goes. When he comes up, I pelt him with about 15 paintballs. I sit there laughing at the guy when I get hit in the small of the back by three paintballs.
OOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!
Turns out that one of my teammates thought I was an opponent when he came over to inspect what had caused the splash. I turn around, and start yelling at the guy, then told him to just bring the flag back to our hut so we could win. He brings the flag back to our little hut and celebrate our victory!
I found out later that the guy I downed was one of my friends. He got even later by pelting me with about 17 paintballs when I was heading back to my base to wipe off my camo.
And so ends one little part of my paintball adventure. If you haven’t been paintballing before, I severely recommend trying it. Depending on the reaction I get, I will try a laser tag BR.
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