Monday night, I tried to organize a 4-way free for all. For many hours, I was unable to do so, since Testosterone was exodus.battle.net's bitch. Good things come to those who are persistent, though, and Testosterone was finally able to join a game that I created on (7)Continental Divide - Obs. Six others quickly joined the game, and an epic battle of titanic proportions occured. Well, no. A 7-way free for all occured, though, and it was worth reporting. (I think) =]

So... What do people talk about when the map is downloading?

:+:SlipKnoT:+:: haxored map
The..Scarab: wtf
The..Scarab: this map is rigged
xSmyleSx: this is gay map

Oxyrogen: TEST I SAW YOU SUCKING XLD DICK
Oxyrogen: YOU HOMO
Testosterone: WTF
Testosterone: I HAD BLINDS CLOSED
Testosterone: PEEPING TOM
Oxyrogen: I HAVE CAM
Oxyrogen: I AM LEET PEEPER
Testosterone: SEND ME PICS

The..Scarab: who are u oxrygren
The..Scarab: i was Corpper
Testosterone: lol
Testosterone: i was
Testosterone: gayrgon
Testosterone: what was i
The..Scarab: u gott budd?
Testosterone: SOME FAG NAME
Testosterone: ok proto
Oxyrogen: titrunium
Oxyrogen: or something
Testosterone: yes
Testosterone: tirtanium

The..Scarab: i see 2
The..Scarab: everyone else see 2?
Testosterone: where are the comps
Oxyrogen: yeah
Oxyrogen: onyl 2 here
DrAwesome: 2 scarab?? your fat ass takes up at least 3 slots!!@! ahahah i am leet

Fizban-: so, 7 ffa?1
Fizban-: god, some of us will drop, prolly me

Oxyrogen: CYBER?
Testosterone: OK
Testosterone: ./ME TAKES CLOSE OFF
Oxyrogen: CYBER ME TEST
Fizban-: go ahead
Oxyrogen: ./ME TAKES OF PANTYS

Before I begin, let's get to know a little more about the (cough)...competitors...(cough). =]

Testosterone is one sexy battlereporter. As he would say, "Photoshop is mah bitch." He also has gosu macromanagement skills. This is expressed through the 20 new gateways he builds instead of investing in carriers. =]

DrAwesome is also one sexy battlereporter. He uses gosu terms like "goon soup", "hacking monkey", and "psistormage." I am 3-3 versus him, so naturally I want him to lose. ^^

The..Scarab is yet, another sexy battlereporter. His reports are as hilarious as Jamellan's. He also is a fireball in the forums, driving away the weak-willed lamers.

Fizban- is incredibly old school. He is in a YourRoleModel battlereport which has a report number of only 3 digits. He's also named from a DragonLance D&D character, so he must be cool. 8*)

Oxyrogen is in Corbalt's ELITE ELEMENT + R CLAN. Since he is in the pristine ranks of this clan, I will not reveal his true identity.

:+:SlipKnoT:+: could be classified as old-school at br.com. Sorry, I don't know much about him. I do know that he does have a good taste in music, though. :D

xSmyleSx has x's surrounding his name. That makes him good, right?

Everyone randomed, and here's the results of the randomization.

ZERG USERS: Testosterone, Fizban-
PROTOSS USERS: Oxyrogen, xSmyleSx
TERRAN USERS: DrAwesome, The..Scarab, :+:SlipKnoT:+:

Early Game, or Trying to Get Build Orders While Laughing Hysterically

Initial builds: (up until first relevant attack)
Testosterone: Overlord, Hatchery, Spawning Pool, Overlord, Hatchery, Extractor, Evolution Chamber, (Overlords when needed), Hatchery at expansion east of him.

DrAwesome: Depot, Barracks, Refinery, Factory, Depot, Depot, Starport, Starport, Barracks, Control Tower addon for Starport, Academy, Science Facility, Covert Ops addon for Science Facility, Depot.

The..Scarab: Depot, Barracks, Refinery, Depot, Factory, Refinery in Testosterone's main, Depot, Machine Shop addon for Factory, Bunker, Barracks, Depot, Engineering Bay, Depot, 3 Missile Turrets in main.

Fizban-: Overlord, Hatchery, Spawning Pool, Extractor, Overlord, Hatchery at upper-right expansion, Morph Hatchery to Lair, (Overlords when needed), Hydralisk Den, Creep Colony at expansion, 2 Creep Colonies at main, second Hatchery at expansion, Evolution Chamber.

Oxyrogen: Pylon, 2 Gateways, Assimilator, Pylon, Cybernetics Core, Pylon, Gateway, Pylon, Citadel of Adun, Pylon.

:+:SlipKnoT:+:: Depot, Barracks, Barracks, Refinery, Depot, Depot, Factory, Machine Shop addon for Factory, Starport, Control Tower addon for Starport, Depot, Depot.

xSmyleSx: Pylon, Gateway, Gateway, Assimilator, Pylon, Nexus on other side of the absurd number of mineral patches, Cybernetics Core, Pylon, Robotics Facility, Forge, Citadel of Adun, Robotics Facility, Templar Archives, Photon Cannon.

DrAwesome: wow
:+:SlipKnoT:+:: wow
Testosterone: wow
DrAwesome: these mineral formations are utterly gay
:+:SlipKnoT:+:: lookit minerals
Testosterone: well all i can say, good thing that kosh is gay
The..Scarab: wtf is this map
Fizban-: this map is super fuxored
The..Scarab: man
The..Scarab: this map is for serious fags
The..Scarab: only guys
The..Scarab: who like bright colors
The..Scarab: like this map
Testosterone: OHH LOOK PINK
Testosterone: ITS PRETTY
Oxyrogen: i like aqu green
The..Scarab: fu

The..Scarab: ally me all of you
DrAwesome: scarab just use map hack its easier
Fizban-: All of you shall feel the pain of my wrath
The..Scarab: who says im not
The..Scarab: hacking
DrAwesome: chit
Testosterone: lol
xSmyleSx: lol
Fizban-: DIE!
Oxyrogen: test allie me
Oxyrogen: newb
The..Scarab: "overwheight special rights"
The..Scarab: losers
DrAwesome: rofl
Testosterone: i only ally sexy people

Oxyrogen: you said iw as sexy last night
Testosterone: asdf
Testosterone: shhhhh
Testosterone: dont tell
Testosterone: them that
Testosterone: they dont know we are gay and in love
Oxyrogen: I MUST TELL HTEM
Testosterone: boy that quieted everyone
Oxyrogen: WE ARE GETTGIN MARRIED
The..Scarab: what the shit
DrAwesome: i stopped paying attention to you guys long ago

The..Scarab: jeb for my build and shit
The..Scarab: just out
The..Scarab: put
The..Scarab: "scarab sucks cock, don't worry what he made"
Testosterone: scarab will u suck my cock
The..Scarab: for coke?
Testosterone: all i have is diet :(

Early game scouting:
Testosterone is content to move his overlords out to spot incoming attacks while he powered like a whore. He eventually scouts Fizban- with a spare zergling.

The..Scarab scouts in a counterclockwise direction and discovers Fizban- and Testosterone. Confident that Testosterone wouldn't retaliate, he built an offensive refinery and left. On its way back, the SCV finds DrAwesome as well. Excellent scouting.

Fizban- sends his initial overlord south and discovers xSmyleSx's plateau main.

Oxyrogen chases away :+:SlipKnoT:+:'s SCV with a dragoon and follows it to his main. Hehe, I guess that counts as scouting.

:+:SlipKnoT:+: manages to scout almost the whole eastern side of the map before finally finding The..Scarab and Oxyrogen.

DrAwesome "scouted" north with his first wraith, and, thus, the early game ended.

First Blood

DrAwesome's wraith flew over Testosterone's main and found a lot of drones, zerglings, and overlords. Two more wraiths arrive to hunt overlords. Hastily erected spore colonies drive the wraiths away, but not before two overlords explode. Testosterone starts to morph a Lair since he was so far behind in tech.

After some bitching by everyone about the lack of expansions on the map, Oxyrogen sends a force of ten dragoons and six zealots to :+:SlipKnoT:+:. They plow through :+:SlipKnoT:+:'s expansion attempt to the right of :+:SlipKnoT:+:'s main, and they continue on.

xSmyleSx flew a shuttle around DrAwesome's main before it was shot down. It must have been loaded, since xSmyleSx whined like a little bitch. =]

Sixteen marines, four medics, and two siege tanks clash with Oxyrogen's zealot/dragoon force outside of his main. When the dust settled, seven dragoons lived through the attack and pressed on to :+:SlipKnoT:+:'s main.

Meanwhile, DrAwesome used his wraith fleet to force Testosterone to move his overlords in the protective confines of his spore colony network. A ghost moved to the northeastern corner of Testosterone's main, and...

Testosterone: is this
Testosterone: ffgay
Testosterone: or normal

Nuclear launch detected.

The..Scarab: ok
The..Scarab: someones a FAGGOT
DrAwesome: memememem :D:D:D:D:
Testosterone: omfg

Testosterone found out where the ghost was and threw his forces at it. Here is the result of that.

While Testosterone was severely gimped, :+:SlipKnoT:+: was in deeper trouble. Most of the outer structures of his main were destroyed by Oxyrogen's dragoons, and :+:SlipKnoT:+: had to frantically siege and repair tanks deep in his main to fight off the attack.

xSmyleSx dropped two dark templar and a dragoon south of Oxyrogen's main. The one photon cannon there fell quickly, and Oxyrogen reacted by moving his detectionless forces to the dark templar. This tied up xSmyleSx's forces long enough for another photon cannon to warp in, and this attack fails.

Meanwhile, DrAwesome sent a control group of marines to Testosterone's main, missing his newly built expansion south of it. He underestimated Testosterone's ability to bounce back after tragedy, though, and 18 zerglings and 6 mutalisks put down the force. The 18 zerglings went in first, though, and that created a bloody mess.

Oxyrogen hadn't let up his attack on :+:SlipKnoT:+:. Dragoon reinforcements were attacking the outer perimeter of his main. They were put down by marines and medics..... from DrAwesome. This force proceeds to force :+:SlipKnoT:+: to lift off his buildings and float them above the southern river.

Fizban- had been quietly teching to Hive level and was building queens. The..Scarab erratically flew a dropship into Fizban-'s expansion and drops an SCV on the northern ridge overlooking the mineral node. The dropship proceeds to fly back over the expansion and is killed by hydralisks stationed there. The..Scarab constructs turrets on the ridge, perhaps securing the way for a fortified drop in the future. He also expands to the resources directly south of his main.

Fizban- wanted to get some action as well, so he loaded five overlords of zerglings, hydralisks, and lurkers on the eastern expansion part of xSmyleSx's plateau main. He hit the sweet spot: clear landing area, freshly warped in nexus. Lurkers burrow, zerglings claw at the nexus, and hydralisks shoot at the definding dragoons.

xSmyleSx had been teching toward carriers, but he became complacent since he was on the plateau main. Well, he spent the next several minutes fighting for his life. Photon cannons and an observatory were hastily warped in. Hydralisks and zerglings fought zealots and dragoons for positioning while the lurkers crept ever so slowly forward. Finally, xSmyleSx was able to get an observer. The lurkers were driven out of his main. The attack on him ended.

DrAwesome sent approximately 18 assorted terran infantry to Fizban-. The army was fragmented, though, and the marines and medics were slaughtered when they ascended the ramps. During this, :+:SlipKnoT:+: attempted to quietly build another command center at the expansion directly east of his old main. Oxyrogen kept up his vigilant scouting, though.

Oxyrogen: purple no ex
Oxyrogen: lamer
Oxyrogen: doc a
Oxyrogen: slip is trying to ex
Oxyrogen: kill him
:+:SlipKnoT:+:: shut up
DrAwesome: :O
Oxyrogen: it right out side his old main

Stuff that Happened After Pause #1

There must've been some heated discussion during the pause when I moved screenshots. On a side note, The..Scarab was making it easier for me to follow his nuking attempts. =]

Testosterone: jeb make a not of what time he nuked me
The..Scarab: jbe
The..Scarab: im nuking white
The..Scarab: pay attentuin

I definitely saw The..Scarab send a dropship south to Oxyrogen's main, but the orange blob over DrAwesome's main interested me more. Testosterone sent six mutalisks there to harass the SCVs and harass they did... finding no air or stationary defenses to easily counter. He pulled them back, though, after the following message:

Nuclear launch detected.

The..Scarab's ghost was on the northern end of Oxyrogen's base. When Oxyrogen found the dot, he ran most of his probes outside of his base, and the nuke just served to damage most of the structures there and destroy the photon cannons.

Nuclear launch detected.

DrAwesome snuck a ghost to the northwestern corner of Oxyrogen's main and tried to hit him with a nuke as well. An observer happened to be in the area, though, and zealots end the ghost's life before he could drop his payload.

Oxyrogen had a mission, though. He nearly eliminated :+:SlipKnoT:+: in the beginning, but he couldn't finish him. Oxyrogen sent six dragoons to :+:SlipKnoT:+:'s only operational base. That proved to be enough to force :+:SlipKnoT:+: to lift everything off again and float it above the southern river.

DrAwesome decided that he needed to strike his northern neighbor, Testosterone. He hadn't checked up on him since the nuke, and he wanted to weaken him again before he could get revenge for the early nuke. One problem: Testosterone regained power incredibly quickly from his two expansions.

Sixteen marines and a few wraiths were sent to Testosterone's main. They were interdicted halfway there. Marines opened fire on an oncoming stream of zerglings. Zergling corpses piled up, and blood flowed through the field. The zerg force was endless, though, and the swarm eventually surrounded and quashed the marines.

Testosterone continued to DrAwesome's main, and totally annihilated it. Since DrAwesome had no expansions, he was effectively out of the game. The..Scarab allowed DrAwesome to float his buildings in his main, though, to stave off elimination.

Oxyrogen decided that he had to do more than kill :+:SlipKnoT:+: this game. He scouted the expansion north of him to find about a control group of The..Scarab's marines waiting there. Zealots and dragoons swarm them and tear them apart. They continue north and get shot at by The..Scarab's siege tanks on high ground. Oxyrogen's forces ascend the ramp and die to a formidable force of marines and medics.

Mid-game status:
Testosterone expands on DrAwesome's old main. This brings his expansion count to three and yes, he's still macroing like a dirty whore. He's teched up to a Greater Spire and he's been massing mutalisks and zerglings in anticipation of fighting Fizban-. He also gets some defilers because they're, well, useful.

Fizban- has been massing hydralisks and zerglings using resources from his main and expansion. He also has a healthy number of queens and defilers. Goody.

xSmyleSx had been very quietly building carriers, since his island has a fux0ring load of resources. He hasn't been doing anything to anybody and was just biding his time.... waiting to strike when the time is right. Boring, but smart. =/

The..Scarab was building up a well-balanced, albeit nonmobile terran force of marines, medics, and tanks.

Oxyrogen still didn't have an expansion but, damn, he wasn't going to let :+:SlipKnoT:+: land his floating command center at his old main. On a side note, I wonder if :+:SlipKnoT:+: knows that the expansion island to the southwest was unoccupied. =]

"parasites are for fags" - The..Scarab

The action picks up again when Oxyrogen sweeps across the southern edge of the map with seven dragoons and kills DrAwesome's last remaining marines and medics. Meanwhile, Fizban- amuses himself by parasiting most of The..Scarab's SCVs at his main.

The..Scarab: pfasn
The..Scarab: parasites are for fags
xSmyleSx: lol
xSmyleSx: haha
Testosterone: ./me gets parasite now
Fizban-: fags like you~
The..Scarab: =[
DrAwesome: white sux
DrAwesome: and should die
Fizban-: i suxor
DrAwesome: and get parasited
DrAwesome: :O
Oxyrogen: fu dr.ass

Oxyrogen runs his seven dragoons north where they are prompty dispatched by Testosterone's huge pack of mutalisks.

Testosterone continues to whore resources by expanding at :+:SlipKnoT:+:'s old main. Fizban- gathers his forces on his side of the bridge joining his territory with Testosterone's territory. Everyone is distracted for the next few seconds, though.

Nuclear launch detected.

The..Scarab targeted the southwestern corner of Oxyrogen's main. Oxyrogen patrolled around with observers, but they didn't have the speed upgrade, and the nuke dropped.

Oxyrogen: WOW NOW OBS SPEED IS IN
Oxyrogen: I AM LEET

Finally, finally someone expanded to the southwestern island. xSmyleSx shuttled a probe there and started to warp in a nexus. He picked the perfect time to silently expand...

Testosterone and Fizban- had been massing on both sides of the bridge connecting their turfs. Fizban- decides to make the first move, and loads a fearsome amount of zerglings, hydralisks, and lurkers into overlords. Everyone felt that something big was going to happen..... or maybe that was just lag.

xSmyleSx: JEEZUS LAG

Right when Fizban- loaded up ten overlords, Testosterone made his move. Oh... about... let me count.... about 60-70 zerglings and 18 mutalists charge into the full overlords. Fizban- hastily unloads and attempts to stop the assault.

Meanwhile, The..Scarab charges Oxyrogen's main with about 2 control groups of marines and medics.

Storm ended the lives of many marines, and the attack was, as The..Scarab would say, "cock blocked". The battle up north still raged on.

Through liberal use of ensnare, plague, dark swarm, and the late arrival of Testosterone's overlords to deal with the lurkers, Fizban- manages to halt the attack with heavy losses. xSmyleSx decides that this is the time to strike Testosterone. Eight carriers move west from xSmyleSx's plateau and decimate Testosterone's expansion on DrAwesome's old main. They continue and destroy another one of Testosterone's expansions, this one south of Testosterone's main.

xSmyleSx just stabbed Testosterone in the gut. He's going for the kill now.

Nuclear launch detected.

The..Scarab was attempting to nuke the eastern side of xSmyleSx's plateau. Hoh boy, there were a lot of probes there.

When it rains, it pours for xSmyleSx. Testosterone crushed his carrier fleet with about 24 mutalisks and 6 devourers at the exact same time Fizban- did a game-ending zergling/hydralisk/defiler drop on him. He bows out and goes into observer mode with DrAwesome. Yes, :+:SlipKnoT:+: still hasn't requested observer status. =]

The..Scarab didn't think that xSmyleSx was dead enough, though, and he launched another nuke on the western side of his plateau, destroying two photon cannons and a pylon, and damaging a Stargate. =]

Stuff that Happened After Pause #2

After almost exiting the game again instead of resuming (hehe), the action resumed.

Oxyrogen had been begging for someone other than The..Scarab to kill him for the last 5 minutes, since he was unable to expand and was out of resources. Because of the pitched battles, no one was able to grant his request. So what does he do? Use his zealots and dragoons to destroy his own buildings of course! He left himself a pylon and was granted observer status.

DrAwesome noticed that xSmyleSx was trying to mine again in the southwestern island despite having observer status. He proceeds to own xSmyleSx with his floating Starport.

On a side note, want to see Testosterone's air force now?

Action picks up again when The..Scarab walked a ghost to the northeastern corner of the map, where Fizban-'s first expansion was.

Nuclear launch detected.

The ghost was on the high ground above the expansion, and Fizban- had no overlords in his immediate area.

The remaining players looked for more sources of income. Testosterone spent this time to take the whole western part of the map. Fizban- grabbed xSmyleSx's old plateau expansion. The..Scarab fortifies another expansion directly north of Oxyrogen's old main.

The..Scarab once again nuked Fizban-. Due to patrolling overlords, though, The..Scarab could only nuke 12 zerglings and an overlord. For you dial-up users, I'm not going to make an animated gif out of that. =]

Testosterone failed in eliminating Fizban- before, and he did not want to make that same mistake twice. He moved his huge air force outside of Fizban-'s main and joined it with about 2 control groups of zerglings and an ultralisk. He began his ascent up the ramp.

Fizban- ensnared just about every mutalisk and his hydralisks and zerglings met Testosterone's troops at the top of the ramp. A bitter fight ensued. Fizban- was slowly pushing Testosterone's forces down the ramp, but fresh reinforcements from Testosterone turned the tide of the battle.

To make matters worse, The..Scarab began a tank push from the low ground to Fizban-'s new plateau expansion while Fizban-'s was being attacked by Testosterone. Fizban- had to use every one of his hydralisks and zerglings to save his main, so he was defenseless against this. Soon, a dropship is used to move the tanks on the plateau, and all of the hatcheries there fall.

After losing his whole army, Fizban- conceded and requested observer status.

Testosterone vs. The..Scarab

The..Scarab once again nuked a player with obs status. He aimed at Fizban-'s old expansion, only to get killed by a sunken colony after it was launched. For what it's worth, it's been the only nuke that has failed this game.

The game was practically over, though, because Testosterone was in the position where he could perpetually be at 200/200 supply. 7 expansions > 2 expansions.

Testosterone threw about eight control groups of zerglings into The..Scarab's main, followed by six ultralisks, which were followed by mutalisks, guardians, devourers, and more zerglings. The..Scarab tried to nuke himself, but that didn't prove to be a strong enough defense for the swarm.

After The..Scarab conceded, it was just a matter of Testosterone killing :+:SlipKnoT:+:'s random floating buildings to be the victor in this 7-way free for all.

Winner: Testosterone in 1 hour, 17 minutes, 18 seconds.

Overview
Units
Structures
Resources

Random thoughts:

The scores seem lopsided, but it was not as bad as it may appear. Testosterone was aggressive and took DrAwesome's main and his close expansion quickly. He was also fortunate to have :+:SlipKnoT:+: die so quickly. The whole left side of the map was his, and there wasn't much that The..Scarab, xSmyleSx, or Fizban- could do about it without exposing themselves. Fizban- had better control of his units in comparison to Testosterone, but this difference was not enough to overcome the resource difference.

Thanks guys for providing me with a very entertaining game! Also, thanks for not bitching about the map selection too much! (wait a minute...)

This is a CrackHeadJeb production.