Well, another day, another dollar at where I work. The boredom continues to flow, so here's another report from the front lines!
Fuxor was cold, alone. His only Pokemon, Penix-S-, was no social help whatsoever. Fuxor needed to find himself some new toys to play with, and there was only one place to turn: the funky looking grassy area.
You see, the grassy area was known for having ravenous, crack-whore pokemon that knocked you unconscious, stole half of your money, and deposited you at the footstep of your mother's house before you even knew what hit you.
Even still, Fuxor had enough to buy a couple of Poke Balls, and managed to find himself some new buddies in the funky looking grassy area of doom. Look, they can be named, too:
But before I go and start earning myself some badges, it's time to go phreak some wild pokemon to buff up my newfound bitches. Level 3 pokemon are cute and all, but I need more than just cuteness to win. I need guts. I need testical fortitude. I need non-sissy pokemon that can go around and kill on command.
You sissies.
As much as I like watching Fuxor's Pokemon die horrible deaths to Level 2 Pidgeys, it's time to progress in the game. I need to pump some of the townsfolk for information. This game seems RPG-ish enough for me to be able to get some info from other people.
KID THAT KNOWS FAR TOO MUCH ABOUT CATERPILLAR POKEMON: "Do you want to know the two kinds of caterpillar pokemon?"
RAMPANT SHOPPER: "No! Potions are all sold out."
MEDIUM SIZED LOST KID: "It's great that you can carry and use pokemon anytime, anywhere!"
SMALL FEMALE CHILD: "My daddy loves Pokemon, too."
Did you ever see Batman? The really old one, where there's the old school riddler with the purple mask and better question-mark tights than Jim Carrey? Remember all the old riddles he did to try to confuse the Dynamic Duo? And how no matter how confusing they were, Batman always figured him out?
BATMAN: "Well, it looks like we'll never get this mystery solved."
ROBIN: "Well, I'm sure that whichever super villian stole all of the gold from the First Reserve of Gotham will leave us some sort of clue so we can bust his ass before the next commercial break."
BATMAN: "Look, Robin, a note!"
ROBIN: "Look, riddles!"
BATMAN: "I have a big mouth and I am also quite loud! I am NOT a gossip but I do get involved with everyone's dirty business."
ROBIN: "PoA. (yawn)"
BATMAN: "What regularly changes shape, yet remains a sphere, is always there, but often not seen?"
ROBIN: "Scarab. (yawn)"
BATMAN: "PoA and Scarab ... what could they have in common?"
ROBIN: "Hmmm ..."
(5 seconds later)
BATMAN: "I know! The Riddler must be staging a theft at the Gotham City Museum!"
ROBIN: "Why?"
BATMAN: "Because they are showcasing a collection of the worlds largest tool boxes!"
ROBIN: "Have you been smoking too much of the Bat Chiba?"
BATMAN: "Hurry Robin, there is no time to waste! To the Batmobile!"
I felt like Fuxor had a riddle of Batman-esque proportions here, and he had to figure it out without the help of Burt Ward. So Fuxor left the city, in search of clues. Little did he know of the horror he would have to face ... muahahahaaaa ...
CHAPTER TWO
GASP! More Than One Chapter!
After ditching the rather clueless citizens of Viridian City, Fuxor decided to go for a little more Pokehunting. After all, there were new areas to explore, and new, exciting Pokemon to capture, right?
These new pokemon ... to put it bluntly ... sucked. Sucked testicles. Sucked cow testicles. Sucked big, hairy cow testicles. Sucked big hairy cow testicles with warts and A-1 sauce. Topped with walnuts. The only attack they knew was "Harden". They were pokemon designed after the most fearsome of animals ... the COCOON!! I still caught one, and named it accordingly.
Even though these weren't great pokemon to have on your side, the fact that they were the Ghandis of the Pokemon community made them excellent experience for the members of Team Fuxor. While I was beating on the lolly baby pokemon, it happened. The moment I've been dreading, ever since I started playing this zany game. A moment that will change Fuxor's and my life ... forever.
 >
Oh, great, a Pikachu. The pokemon so popular that it spawned a television series, countless plush toys, a CCG, and seven pornos. And here it was, in my game. Do I try to capture it? Kill it? Rip off it's Pika and shove it down it's pika-pi?
Well, no. Those eyes scare me. Those eyes ... noooo!!
Well, I've had it with this forest paradise. The pokemon are too soft and I still don't know where an actual Gym is. Time to leave ... what the hell?
So, I'm being challenged? By a bug catcher? Swell. He's gonna own me ... he's not gonna just own me, he's gonna initiate me. Only way to know is to find out, I suppose ...
(milliseconds later)
Well, that was easy. Little wuss doesn't even want a rematch. He's got his buddies scattered around the place, but they all use the same type of pokemon; weak, limp, and girly. Weak like Blink 182's future career. Limp like Wang's opponent in a TvT. Girly like Harvey Fierstein in a tutu.
CHAPTER THREE
Wow! Another City!
Well, it seems that I've made it through the forest, and into the next city. Welcome to Pewter City, home of gray, gray, and still more gray. At least they matched the color with the name this time. There's actually *gasp* a GYM in this one! One that's *gasp* open for other people to enter! The townspeople (these ones actually have useful information) tell about Brock, a trainer that's "totally into it" and "always looking for good trainers." Hmm ... his name is bROCK, and the town is named after a ROCK, and if you go inside the gym there's all these ROCKs everywhere, so he obviously uses ... Fire pokemon.
What? No! Don't leave! There's porn down below!
Well, I decide to take Fuxor to the next level. Time for Penix, Justin, Kane, and Poipoi to start earning their salt. I set them up weakest to strongest and get ready to layeth the proverbial smacketh down.
ROUND 1
L12 GEODUDE vs. L5 Poipoi (KAKUNA)
Okay. Level 12 vs. Level 5. No imbalance there. Poipoi only knows how to use "Harden." Nope, no imbalance at all, here ... really ... no imbalance ...
Allright, fine, Poipoi got spanked in two rounds.
ROUND 2
L12 GEODUDE vs. L6 CKane (RATTATA)
Oooo ... one whole level higher. Kane at least managed to do some damage before getting the Royal Assraping of the Century.
ROUND 3
L12 GEODUDE vs. L10 Penix-S- (SQUIRTLE)
Now here's an even fight. Penix-s- is a water Pokemon, and has a water attack. Water attacks own Rock Pokemon harder than Pee-Wee owned that little moneygrubber Pterri. Geodude goes down in two attacks from Penix's "bubble" attack. Don't ask where the bubbles exactly come from. The fight was enough to raise Penix up to level 11.
ROUND 4
L14 ONIX vs. L11 Penix-S- (SQUIRTLE)
Brock's only other Pokemon is a snake made out of rocks. Granted, it's big and menacing looking, but with a Penix, it turns into so much mush and pebbles. Or whatever. It faints, and that's all that matters. I win! Brock sucks ass!
As proof that I totally owned some punk ass, I am awarded the BOULDERBADGE. W00t! Now only seven more, and my legacy will be complete!
CHAPTER FOUR
The End of this Part
Before I end this report, I would like to make a public announcement. There is a new TV show out called TV Funhouse. In it, there is a cowboy and an assortment of puppet animals. It is one of those "parody" TV shows, only a parody of Mr. Rogers, Pee Wee's Playhouse, or any other of a vast assortment of "one guy surrounded by a bunch of puppets and cartoons" TV shows. There's a dog that permanently chases its tail in Wile E. Coyote fashion. There is a turtle that uses a toilet for transportation (he calls it "the pipes"). There is a dirty puppet hound-dog and a dirtier puppet chicken. In the pilot episode we see a snake throw up a gargantuan pile of mice, a superhero chatting up a foxy woman so his alter-ego can get her in bed, and the story of almost all the puppets driving down to TJ and engaging in cock-fighting and chiuahua-prostitute sexing. Why do I tell you this here?
BECAUSE DESPITE ALL OF THOSE POTENTIALLY FUNNY SKITS THE SHOW MANAGES TO STILL SUCK HARDER THAN A LEWINSKY POWERED SHOP-VAC!! I WASTED MY TIME AND WHAT FEW BRAIN CELLS I HAVE LEFT WITH THIS FETID PILE OF SMOKING GARBAGE SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!! TRUST DIVVYO ON THIS ONE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!
This has been a public service announcement by DivvyO and friends of DivvyO. Thank you.
FUN FACT: The guy that played the Riddler in the old Batman movie is also the voice for Marius and Lysander in everyone's favorite time sink, Diablo 2.
 
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