hmmm, i'm going to have to masturbate now
-Punck
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| Anime Chick BR 2!! | | | Author: | | | IP: | dt0110ndXXXX | | Date: | 10/23/00 10:10 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 3, Max: 9, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for ::nobody::: 9.0000 |   | Ladies and gentlemen, you're resident Nobody is back in his groove and releasing yet another Battlereport. But I warn you people, this is no ordinary BR… If you are looking for serious writing and good strategy, go home and don't let the door smack you on the way out. I have nothing to offer here but quality anime and genuine silliness…as well as enough pics to choke a T3. Yes, folks, that's right, its time….
IM NOT A FLASH GURU, SO IT STARTS RIGHT AWAY :P IF YOU MISSED SOME, WATCH IT AGAIN :D TO STOP IT, RIGHT CLICK ON IT AND DE-SELECT "LOOP" THX GW. :D
THE ANIME BR 2 has arrived! Now where shall I start this tour de force? I think it would be most appropriate to first wrap up the #1 Suck saga…
just fyi,the names arent color coded because there is more than 1 game in this BR, the colors dont really matter, and you all are smart enough to figure it out :P
When we last left our heroes of the suck, the final two were Enthused and SlingsNArrows, both quite worthy of the #1 cup 'o' suck. They had battled through Sherwood Forest…and lost. They had fought valiantly on Blood Bath… and lost. And now, the blood of one of them was about to stain the ground of the most notorious map to ever his the SC scene….BGH. The game had emotions running high with OrcManiac, GRB, and T_mac all joining me in the observer's booth. The game looked to be one of epic proportions as both players set off on their builds, Slings as Terran at 12:00 and Enth as Zerg at 7:00. Enth started with a quick strike on Slings refinery by some zerglings, but besides that not much action occurred for the first half of the game.
Suddenly disaster struck. As I went to reorganize my pics, I realized they were not being saved to the SC folder! I paused the game and hurriedly looked around, finally finding them on my D drive. Unfortunately I was not fast enough and Slings and Enth had hatched a devious plan in my absence. They had allied up and we not attacking each other!! Slings took a ghost into Enth's base and tried to nuke, but the attempt was so pitiful that I refuse to even grace it with a picture. I will, however, include this pic which shows game 3 in a nutshell…everything that was even remotely interesting about it.
Realizing that my #1 suck epic had crumbled to pieces, I had to think quick… My first order of action was to disqualify both Enth and Slings from receiving the coveted #1 cup 'o' suck and I instead award it to BGH, the true #1 suck and cause of all this insanity. Yet I was under pressure to release another BR, so I turned to my two faithful motifs: S&S and anime. S&S as many of you may recall is the "Spunk and Shandy" series started by Wallabystein and myself. Unfortunately, a train full of bricks hit Wallaby or something and I haven't seen him for a while, so others have been forced to take his place. Fox was Skizzup in the last anime chick BR, and today the torch will be past to a new member of the S crew…Spanky. See if you can guess who he is!
As the rain fell in sheets around me and my trenchcoat struggled to stay dry, I stared at the pictures that Skizzup had sent me. It was apparent that Shandy had been taken down and somebody wanted the Shandy files closed for good.
It seemed that the key to the mysterious murderers might lie in File #69, the anime chick BR 2.
As I opened the file I was reminded of the absolute seriousness *cough* of this file. It was a bunch of seemingly harmless UMS games on seemingly harmless maps against seemingly harmless opponents. It was peppered with fine looking anime girls to distract from the fact that the file had practically no content whatsoever. Somehow, though, I kept reading to …um…examine…the um…. "evidence".
The first game was played on one of the SC communities most sophisticated maps: "Date Britney Spears!!"
Our opponents were Whars_Me_brain! (Who has absolutely no relation to Jamellan, no sir, Jamellan and he are not the same person…*cough*) and Billy~Bob~Joe (Who is in NO way related to WilliamWC3, in fact, they don't even know each other…at all…nope...*cough*) Two hicks from the "southside" who were trying to piss on Spanky and my UMS parade (as well as our date with Britney!)
The map opened up and my bunker began to spew out red hydras, while Spanky had teal goons, WMB had orange marines, and BBJ had brown ghosts. This game seemed to be the typical madness spin-off, but with much higher stakes. In most games, you fought for Taco Bell or something, but this game was for honor and for Britney.
The flurry of action started quick. BBJ brought his ghost contingent head to head with my hydras while WMB and Spanky battled it out between themselves. Now I originally had the notion that hydras owned ghosts outright, but this was apparently a foolish one because BBJ's ghosts were very successful in repelling my hydra attacks and he began to advance on my bunker. WMB and Spanky seemed to be about even.
Suddenly a hero appeared! YES! This game has heroes, suddenly all is not lost! With the help of the heroes, I may be able to beat back the ghosts and rush to help my Spanky! Unfortunately a shout from WMB confirmed that he, too, had received a coveted hero. But the real question was whether on not or opponents could use the heroes' power. "I see your schwartz is as big as mine…but can you use it?" (name that quote!)
As the heroes entered the battlefield, the war was escalated to a totally new level. Marines made Goon soup, Goons fried marines, Hydra's acid decayed ghosts, and ghosts fried the carapaces of the hydras. BBJ began a forward assault on my bunker, but as he got closer, my hydras were able to waste his ghosts with the bunker support. The lame as vulture an excellent job of doing jack shit and then dying, but some marine heroes were doing a good job. The pic below should do a decent job of conveying the action.
Then the game took a turn for the best as tank, queen, and ultralisk heroes entered the battle. Using supreme numbers and the power of the arclite cannon, I was able to beat back the ghost onslaught and set up a decent attack. Spanky was doing a great job himself and now had WMB pinned to his bunker. The ultralisks took some big damage, but were able to dish out quite a punch, taking many enemy lives.
Finally, Spanky and I assaulted WMB's bunker and were able to finally force WMB out of the game. One down and one to go! I could almost taste ….er….feel Britney in my arms. GOGOGO!
Just as we were about to take out BBJ, he pulled one last trick out of his…erm…. "bag of tricks." He had nukes!! Leave it to those tricky bastards to pull out a late game nuke. As "nuclear launch detected" flashed across the screen, the only thing I could think was, "If the fuxing thing is fuxing detected, why the fux can't I find it?!?!?" Noticing it just seconds before the fall, I was unable to avoid the slaughter of a whole lot of freaky bugassed alien dudes. The ghost was an anime ghost, so I didn't kill her and instead just finished of BBJ's bunker. Game over.
Britney was all mine and Spanky's when I realized she wasn't anime. "Aak! Get off me, I don't do shit with 'real' chicks," I yelled and left Spanky with Britney. Ick. Real? Puhleeeeze….
Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of our troubles with these particular troublemaking opponents. They had gotten another partner named GeorgeJollyJang (for the life of me, I cant remember who he was :P). Obviously they had gone down to Hickland and used the ever popular "Rent-a-Hick." They challenged us to a 2v3 on was his perhaps the second best UMS in existence. "Bathroom Wars" was its name. Now after a little bit of arguing over who would be the "Cleaning supplies" and who would be the "germs", Spanky and I chose germs, and the game started.
Now the goal of Bathroom wars was simple. You got infinite cash and minerals and everything builds faster. You can take your troops down to this really nasty slimy thing on the bottom of the map, and if you have enough troops, they all die and turn into a badass hero. Spanky and I were the germs and therefore Terran while the Hick group was cleaning supplies and therefore protoss. As usual in any map of this type, both bases were surrounded by an ungodly amount of cannons/bunkers/turrets/BGH newbie static defense of choice.
As we started the game I went for the mass wraith approach while Spanky decided to stay primarily tanks. We both also through in the odd marine. Also, being smart like any 2 SC obsessed unclean dirty whores of Blizzard, we rallied our troops to the slimy blob so that we'd get heroes. (Yay!)
As my first wraith hero finished, I noticed it was a "vampire bat." Ooh scary. Whatever bats have to do with germs, I'll never know, but whatever. As I flew it over to scout, it flew over 3 rows of cannons without even getting scratched. Nice! I then flew it over to some of the Nexi of the hated opponents (the map designer, being quite smart, had put 3 nexi…just in case I guess). The wraith began to take shots on one of the nexi, and in 3 shots, BOOM. No more nexi. Okay, this was one gosu wraith hero. I flew him over a group of enemy goons. Smack! All it took was one hit to level a goon and their shots did like no damage at all. Ok, maybe I'll just win with this one wraith…
Unfortunately, a goon hero came along and pooped on my wraith's party. Damn him.
Luckily, I had a few more "vampire bats" on stand by as well as a few marine heroes. As I walked them through the center, they began to lay waste to all the cannons on the enemy side. Suddenly, some hero zealots emerged on the scene. Nobly named "Tarter-control toothpaste, they put up a valiant effort, and took out many rines, but try as they might, they just couldn't hit my gosu wraiths. My wraiths took out the whole middle section on cannons, and line after line of goons. (insert Batman music here) POW! BIFF! BLAM! KAPOW! SMACK! SPANK! Er…yea.
Then something loomed on the horizon…mass carriers! The hicks weren't idle after all! The carriers took out my 2 wraiths before I could even react….we may be in trouble….
Before the carriers came though, the toss hicks tried to attack us with Dts and probes. They got waxed. (This is just another lame excuse for another pic. BTW, the chick is from 'Ghost in the Shell'…she'll kick your ass big time.)
Some carriers moved toward the middle and some moved to the lower half of the map, attacking our turrets and bunkers. Spanky was on alert however and moved his tanks, goliaths, and marines to the center to take on the carriers. Then we made a startling discovery! The carriers had 1 life!!!! Bam, a little focus fire here, a dash of goliath missiles there, and the carriers were all toast. Muhahaha! Time to take it to the mains!!!!
Spanky and I certainly laid the smack down (and that anime chick and I…well…there was smacking there too :P) Our massive onslaught of heroes was too much for them darn hicks.
Spunk and Spanky were triumphant in vanquishing the foes of evil and newbieness!!!!!
Ok, I sure hope you all enjoyed this report. It was obviously only for entertainment's sake, and if any of you took it too seriously go wash your hair in a dirty toilet, then lather, rinse, and repeat.
I just wanna say, all you BR.comers are great :D Keep on kickin' ass :D
Ciao!
Nobo
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