Part 1: You're General Newbler

Newbie: Someone NEW to the game.

Now was that so difficult to understand folks?  I gave you that definition to know that I am not going to be using the following people I have come across as "newbies."  Because while we may call them newbies, what im saying is that they are not "new to the game."   Instead they are arrogant, fagot, half sklled, trash talking assholes. 

These people are all over Bnet.  Most of them get away with being a newb by discing, changing name, ect...never to be heard of again.  I don't like that.  If there is a newb annoying homo out there, I want to know about it.  And if I do find them, I will make sure that person gets what they deserve, a good dicking!...or maybe just a BR or two humiliating the fag point blank.

Chapter 1

2v2 @ BGH! (experts only)

Yes, I know, we're all "NHers"  from NOHunters, but lets face it.  90% percent of the pubbie games on the join list are going to be on BGH.  Most of the time it will be a newb.   Sometimes, but not often it will be the "ChanmanX" crowd.  And then a few times you will run into that one special homo.  Who talks shit the whole game.   Who pisses you off to the point where you wish you could do something like write a BR about him and expose it for the whole world to see.

Lets first take a look at how I regulate all of channel sex:

Booya.

Anyway, my first goal was to go see just how newb some people were.  It didn't necesarily have to be a trash talking fagot.  But I wanted to see what limits my newbie bashing strats could go to.   Finding a game would be easy, almost all the games on the list are 2v2 BGH.   But what strat to use?... hmm, mass DAs?  No, been done.  Mass Wraiths?   Nope, done that too.  Mass Scv+Medics...HEYYY...

Scarab{OK}D, of course, is me.  I selected Terran, and planned my build for SCV ownage. 

The countdown finished, and I landed right middle, with my partner bottom right, as Protoss.  I decided turtling would be the best way to go here.  So I started with a Depot, then Rax, then another depot just to make sure nothing got through early.  As tempting as it was, I made NO Marines from my barracks.  Instead, I threw down an Academy.  Of course, I was making nonstop SCV.  By now, I checked over to my partner, who had make a forge, gate, and gas.  Unlike the traditional BGH newb, he wasn't cannoning the HELL out of his choke.  Instead me made a long ass line of Pylons......      ......... super.  My scan thingy had just finished, so I scanned the top middle, and BOOYA.  I found me the teal protoss that was Rappin'Rabbi.  I then looked back at my partner, cant_lose., and saw that he was still at the Pylon work..  man that line goes on, and on, and on.

Rappin'Rabbi was lookin pretty decent, he had 2 gates, a forge, and a core.  I guess we had to look out for him or something.  My partner had scouted almost everywhere, and came across Escaflowne83.   He was Zerg, and had a pool, a couple sunkens, and a Spire.  .... damn, I dont like this.  My SCV would be useless against mutas.. So he was the target.  He was going to go down to my SCV horde before he could get flyers.  Oh yea.

Alright, well it looks like cant_lose is doing something with all those Pylons.  He lined gate after gate next to them for mss production of Protoss things.  Come on, bud;  like that has ANY chance vs my SCV.  Does it?  Hell no it dosent.  Well hes my partner so its not like it mattered.  Well this was BGH, so its not like there was anything to fear anytime soon...why?  Oh yeah, the 10 min no rush ruleI forgot to tell you about, gee, silly fucking me.  By the time this rule was up, it was announced that we could all attack, so now there are good and bad things.  Good thing is my partner had a bunch of everything, DTs, Zeals, Goons...it was good for him, but was it good for me?  OHHHh yeah, I had my force ready.  About 4 groups of SCV with 2 medic to each group.   It was go time.

We all moved out at the same time, me and my partner meeting in the middle.  However, Escaflowne had also come out.   Him and his god damned Mutas.  Luckily for me , my partner brought his goons to take care of them.  My fearless SCV squad however, walked on...

I can just picture the look on my opponents face...he was ph34ring the hell out of my SCV, so he wisely moved back to his base to help defend.  It was no use for him.  There were a couple goons left.   And they did what they could about the mutas, but the SCV marched on... ignoring muta fire left and right, taking out sunkens front and behind...they did what they had to do.....to survive..

The SCV tore through his base like a fuck.  LIKE A FUCK!  And yes, if it wasn't for the medics, this thing wouldnt have lasted long.  It actually ..KIND OF works...anyway, Escaflowne must have been in shock, cause he didn't say a word.  The only time we saw his name was when the message "Escaflowne has been eliminated" showed up.

Although my SCV had a great victory, there was a downside to this one.  Seeing as I used all my SCV, I'm probly not doing that much producing at my base.  This was my army for the game.  My asshole of a partner noticed this, and then I see that he turned off vision.  This got me threating him with my SCV.  I know they struck ph34r into his newbie heart, cause he then proceeded to ally me again.  See, you cant fuck with the SCV.  You just can't.

Well now we gathered up our forces, and were moving into Rabbi's base.  My partner must have been sweating it, thinking it over, over and over;  cause as soon as we attacked, the idiot unallied me.   Good work, jackson, now you gota deal with my SCV and his cannons/goons at the same time.  Way to draw yourself into a double team idiot.  But...he just had too many goons.  His Pylon line/21323 gateway strat had pulled it off.  Since I wasn't fast enough to unally him, and beat some goon ass with my SCV, they were popped one by one, sitting there, being idiots wondering why in the hell they were getting shot at, and GEE SHOULD WE HIT THEM BACK?  I DUNO!@ ...so they went down. and afterwards Rabbi's base did as well.  At this time, a DT was in my base beating on all my buildings.  So I cleverly lifted them, and he reacted by sending..zealots.  OH OK, since the   ZEALOTS didnt work...he finally waited till his goons got there job done, and went on to kill my flying buildings. GAY GAY GAY GAY.

If the damn SCV weren't into all that drug dealing, we might have had more of a victory.  I was going to fire all of them, but they're all dead.  oops.  Rowdy sons of bitches.

Chapter 2

I'm reporting you to Blizzard, I swear.

Yeah, whats up with that title?   We'll just have to wait and see won't we.

Ugh, I went into this game after long day, it was late night-early morning.  I was just all around drownsy, and droopy.   But I felt like playing or something.  So, with the idea of this BR in mind, I joined a 1v1 newb bgh YELLOW hunters.  I found my opponent to be Infest501.  After some of my tired jibberish nonsense typing, I kind of got the idea that he wasn't exaclty the widest ass in the jail cell.  Seemed a tad retarded.

Good, im glad we're on the same page now.  And with that, he hits the start button and we're underway.  This map is the super-cool DESERT version of BGH.  We both randomed, and I ended up with blue Zerg at top right.  He got white Zerg top left, and we got started.

K!, So...what to do this time...argh..im Zerg, and at this point I dunno what race he is.  So I just started normally teching.  Pool, Ovie, Hatch, Gas..blah blah.  It ended up where I put down a Queens Nest, and had a sexual flashback about Bob so I copied his ass, and was going mass Queens.  Then I got started with a little pregame tired drowsy chatting.

God, I was like realy fucked up that night or something...

Anyways, I ended up getting to my Queens with no problem.  But I would need some defense, so I put a hell of a lot of Sunkens all the way through my choke, arranged gosuly.  With my new defense, I was able to tech to Queens safely.  I felt even more safe because he hadn't even scouted me yet (HMMMMMMMMMM).

Then just as my sunkens were alsmot done, a big ass horde of about 40 lings comes tearing into them, killing them before they could get done. (HMMMM).

But the few that I had around my hatch did the job and took care of them, cause they ran around like idiots for a minute.   Now from this point on, this didn't really seem like it was going to be good, so I stopped taking screens.   But it did get good, so ill just type what happened out for you.  Yeah, I was pretty fucked up and all.  So I started spitting out things about hacking, and it went something like this:

The..Scarab: OMG PLS YOU HACK SO BAD COME ON

Infest501: no

The..Scarab: SURE THEN HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE MY BASE IS WITHOUT SCOUTING IT MORON.

Infest501: I made this map, I know where you start.

The..Scarab: HAHAHAHHAH YOU IDIOT, IT DOSENT WORK THAT WAY HAHHA, WAY TO BE OWNED HACKER

Im really sorry I didn't get screens of all this, it was fucking hilarious.  Anyway, I held off his lings okay, and my ovie was chilling in his base checking it out, and he had no flying protection.  So I quickly started whipping up Mutas.  About 5 minutes later, I had about 6 Mutas, and he hadn't attacked me or anything since his previous attack.  Next thing I know, 20 Scourge fly into my main and take out all the Mutas, and some of the Ovies. O M G

Again, im sorry I didnt get screens, but this is how it went.

The..Scarab: O M G, HOW ARE YOU GONA TELL ME YOU DON'T HACK?

Infest501: ?

The..Scarab: LOOK IDIOT, YOU SENT SCOURGE INTO MY BASE, STRAIGHT INTO MY MUTAS, AND HOW WOULD U KNOW I HAD THEM.

Infest501: huh

The..Scarab: OMFG YOUR A GIANT FUCKING MORON AND A HACKER

After harassing him about it repeated times, he finally started stuttering and shit, making lame exuses for shit, and not even typing right.  I then asked him one last time, and he responded with "do I have to spell it out for you?".  I said YES!, "DO YOU HACK YES OR NO"    his answer: yes. (again sorry for no screen of it, but you'll see)

SO HE HACKS OMG A SUPRISE OH JOY!

In all the time we spent arguing about weather or not he hacked, he was making a big assload of Mutas, then guards.  As he was tearing shit up, I was told him " OMG I HAVE A SCREEN OF YOU ADMITTING IT, AND IM GONA SEND IT TO BLIZZARD, AND THEY WILL DELETE YOU FROM BNET"

The dumbass said something about how he was kicked off Napster and he hax0red his way back on, and thats what he would do to bnet.  When I asked him how he would plan on getting back on bnet..he said "So, I'll just change my name and make a new one"...god damnit, he was really really really fucking stupid.

So it looked like he wasn't budging.   He was gona kill me, and he wouldn't fall for my bluff.  But even still, I yelled at him repeatedly about how he would never be on bnet again.  With only my hatch left, I shouted "LOOK YOU DAMN IDIOT, DO YOU NOT REALIZE YOU WILL NEVER PLAY ON BENT AGAIN?"

Right then, the Guards stopped firing, and he backed off.

OHHHHHH Whats this?  He decided to beleive me, like the retard he is.  He backed off and said "okay, now what" or something.  Now what, huh?  I'll tell you fucking now what.   People, what happened now is that I had myself a little newbie hacking SLAVE to do whatever I said so he wouldnt be kicked off bnet.  Now a normal person would be like, "oh okay, leave the game and give me a win"..ohhh no no no no.  I was going to take it a little farther.  First I made him ally me, and give me vision.   Then we got a little nutty.  So now I present to you:

My Little Newbie Slave

Part 1:  Make those units kill each other

Part 2:  Recipe

Part 3:  Fun With Zerg Units

This time he was really gonna have to work hard to make me not send this "pic".  So here was his next challenge.

:D

Part 4:  Hardcore

He didn't seem to understand, so...

Hey, fagots, both hands on the keyboard, thx.  I know that was getting hot, so heres the second round of Zerg hardcore.

You guys are all fuckin sick, you know that.

So after the Zerg hardcore, I felt I had done enough, and had satisfied my tastes for the night.  So I decided to be nice, and not make him leave the game, but just make him ally.  Tonight, I found a new "vs newbs" strats, and owned one more newb hacker.  But remember, theres tons of other hackers and shit out there, and I'kk be sure to find them.