"First, my processor sucks more than Santa Claus and my modem blows more ass than Floppy the Fat sea otter. "
-Roy_Rules
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| Umm...Hmm...Bah, just read it... =Þ | | | Author: | | | IP: | sdn-ar-0XXXX | | Date: | 07/30/00 02:07 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 6, Min: 6
Lifetime Rating for }{i: 6.0000 |  | Welcome to my great battle report. Due to a low budget and lack of employees, this battle report will be text-only much to all you readers’ disgust, but I guarantee you will hate it all the more (and have much more material to flame) if you read the whole thing...so scroll down and start reading!
---PROLOGUE---
Ok, the game I’m about to battle report started after a 1 on 1. Me, being the nice guy I am, let a person, THORisFEARed, kick my ass ;-). I told him that it was because the observers were using their SCV’s to attack my stuff unrelentlessly and because my mom was yelling at me to get off. How gosu of me :O
Anyways, once my mom left, I reconnected to Battle.net and went right back to wizz. The observers and THORisFEARed were having a heated discussion about whether or not THORisFEARed hacked because he did a Zerg specific build order before he even scouted me (Yea, I was Zerg) and attacked me exactly before my Lurkers were done morphing. Anyways, we got another game going so we could prove once and for all (again) who was the best player... between me and him.
The game was NOT on LT (cheers), but on Hunters. Although I’m sure half the people in Clan ~Nohunters wouldn’t know how Hunters looks like =P, I won’t describe it or show you a minimap of it because I‘m: a. too lazy b. too stupid c. too lazy.
We both randomed and hoped that fate would give us a good matchup. Evidently, THORisFEARed must have forgotten to give his daily sacrifice to his elephant gods for I was blessed with Protoss at 12:00 while he obtained Terran at 4:30. Not to be racist or anything =P but Toss > Terran usually. The question was... could I use our matchup to my advantage or could he pull out another victory! Buh buh buh!!! Find out next time on Barney’s Show and Tell Show.
Actually, to be nice and out of fear that I will get a 1, I will actually tell you what happened... :O
---EARLY GAME---
I went for an 8 Pylon, 11 Gateway, 13 Gateway, 14 Pylon build order. My 9th Probe was used to scout starting from the top left, then clockwise. When I found him, he already had a wall-in at his choke with two Barracks as far as I could tell and was massing infantry. I presume he had a third one inside his base. I massed some Zealots in front of his base to keep him in while I began an Assimilator for gas. As my Cybercore finished, we had FIRST BLOOD!!!
Author’s Note: Actually, I think the first kill of the game was when I killed THORisFEARed’s scouting probe with Zealots, but... probes don’t really bleed, so I’m presuming that doesn’t count.
I had about 11 Zealots parked in front of his base. Suddenly, he engaged my zealots with about 10 Marines, 4 Bats, and 6 Medics. I immediately retreated to my base knowing that drugged men were dangerous men. His stimmed infantry had some free potshots on my stupid Zealots as they retreated like the trained warriors they were in a single-file line. However, I regrouped my Zealots with some new Dragoons in front of my main base, while THORisFEARed massed up his army a screen width outside. Mumbling my prayers, I braced for the oncoming storm.
After some of THORisFEARed’s reinforcements arrived, it was time to do battle. The infantry were stimmed again and collided with my force. I think I was taking some crack that night too because I forgot to upgrade either Dragoon Range or Zealot Leg Enhancement, so my units were beaten like slaves, although managing to take all but like 4 attacking infantry and those lesbian Medics (they like to heal each other an awful lot).
While THORisFEARed tormented my defenseless Pylon like Mutas would to peons, I used the money I couldn’t spent while microing my men and warped in 2 more Gateways and a Templar Archive near my Nexus. A hastily built Dark Templar and Dragoon caused THORisFEARed to retreat from my base, but he had another attack force waiting outside with a Turret already built.
I realized I might lose if I didn’t regain control of the game, so I researched Dragoon Range and Zealot Leg Enhancement and warped in a Forge to counter his offensive bunkering. I placed a Pylon by my choke and began warping in 2 Photon Cannons that could hit his Bunker but not vice-versa. Luckily, he forgot to upgrade range for Marines or else this trick would not have worked.
While my Photon Cannons wreaked havoc, the men I was gathering from 4 Gateways discouraged him from charging his entire army in. Some bad micromanagement on THORisFEARed’s part led to the unpleasant deaths of a few Marines who strayed into the Cannons‘ range. You may call it courage, but I call it downright suicide =P.
Once the Bunker was destroyed, I charged his containment force, which was surprisingly small. Some Marines, Medics, and Vultures. The force was pitifully crushed, and immediately afterwards, I brought a probe to my natural and began warping a Nexus.
---MIDDLE GAME---
Once my Protoss warriors were done partying, I took them to the middle of the map. A zealot was sent to scout for expansions. Apparently, THORisFEARed had tried to expand to the 6:00 main, but my Zealot and 2 Dragoons forced him to lift off his CC and fly up, up, and away... to his main.
As I now had map control, I researched Psionic Storm, expanded to 10:30 resource node, maynarded my probes there, and increased production with two more Gateways. He found out I was camping outside his base with a lone Marine which suffered a similar fate as Lincoln - shot and killed. Immediately, I received a welcoming party of about 25 infantry and 5 Tanks.
I only had one High Templar at the time, so no Storm wast used, but my standing forces of Dragoons and several Zealots pushed his army back quickly with few casualties to either of us. When I backed off my troops to their normal position, again he attacked.
This time he set his Tanks in Siege Mode. I managed to Storm twice, but the bad positioning of my men allowed him to flank them with Marines and Medics and gain the upper hand although the majority of his forces were decimated.
After the last of my Dragoons pissed its pants (actually, it blew up into blue crapola), I ignored the gay demands of the Environmentalist Society to clean up the mess of Dragoon blood. Instead, I brought another 16 or so Protoss units to the middle of the map. I sent an unlucky Zealot to check out the enemy’s standing forces. That taught him never to hit on my girlfriend again, mwuhahahahahaha!
Anyways, I estimated that my forces were stronger than THORisFEARed’s before my Zealot died. He had only a few reinforcements from our last battle. This time I had 3 or 4 Templar, so after a few good Storms on his sieged Tanks and infantry, it was an easy job cleaning out the rest. Half out of greed and half out of humiliating my opponent, I began warping in a Nexus on the central resource node on Hunters. Then I confided with my most brilliant advisor as to my next move... My little 8-ball told me that it was time for THORisFEARed to die!
---LATE GAME---
I knew THORisFEARed was dried of resources by now (about 20 minutes into the game), and my Zealot scouts reported no new expansions. I mustered my men at the choke between THORisFEARed’s natural and the center, waiting for the chance to strike. I had 3 bases mining in comparison to his 0 so I was quite confident ;).
Two Gateways were added in my middle expansion. My units were like 2/2/1, I think and I wasn‘t sure about his upgrades. Then... it came.
THORisFEARed attempted a last ditch attempt at beating me. He sieged some Tanks out of my range with Marines and Medics backing them up. Our units engaged. Heh, I think THORisFEARed will always be scared of the weather from now on because I Stormed all his shit like a cheap mofo, and his men were butchered like squealing pigs and they squealed like squealing pigs too. I acquired minimal losses.
Finally, the moment of truth had come. Stepping onto the podium, I knew what I had to do. I looked across the eager eyes of all my Protoss men and delivered the most powerful speech in history. It was long and ended sort of like this: “Aiur, this is NOT our darkest moment, but our finest hour!!!” Every Psionic Blade was at the ready, every Dragoon poised to fire, every High Templar - ahh, screw that crap.
I attacked his defenseless wall-in and he conceded with a “gg.”
Thank you for reading this battle report made by a fat, friendless, homosexual with no life. NO it has not ended yet (it ALMOST seems an insult that you‘re so anxious to finish reading this =P)... We still have to review the lessons learned.
Lessons Learned
1. Crack is illegal.
2. Never- (Oomph, lemme go. I’m innocent! What are you talking about, Mr. Police Officer?! I don’t use crack... what’s crack? Ow, stop hitting me. Auuugggh...)
This has been a production by a poor, foreign company under the name }{i. |
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