It has been awhile since my first BR (in case you didn't know or read it, it was a text-only BR called "Numbers and Acronyms"), and since then I have looked back over HTML, learned it up good (yes, I'm from the South), and played some more Brood War and other generally uninteresting things; one of the more interesting things I've done will be plugged at the end of this BR.  I hope this report is more entertaining than the text-only piece a crap I did.  So, it's off to the pregame!

PREGAME

     For a long time, I had ranted to redeem myself for that awful text-only I did a few weeks back, so Monday night, off I went into Channel nohunters...and found myself alone with four bots, two of which I believed wanted to sexually assault me.  After getting the hell out of there, I checked the BR.com website, and found that the venue was moved.  I felt like a complete moron, then popped into Clan ~noHunters.  I waited around some, then found a promising looking one on one...that is until I got into the game; the map chosen was Ice Hunters, and I know better than that.  Then after a little more waiting, I ran into a kid named BuyMeBreadMom.  He must have been Korean since he only spoke words that I cannot repeat on this site (not trying to diss Koreans, who usually own me pretty bad, it's just any half-intelligent American knows more words than he seemed to).  Then along came a cat named hypnotiZe and asked for a two on two.  The teams turned up to be him and a guy named realize, and Bread with Testosterone (that's his tag.  Don't you love all the weird B.net tags?).  After some waiting after realize got dropped, we were off into PGL Lost Temple.

The Main Event

realize
Umojan Protectorate (Blue Terran)

hypnotiZe
Auriga Tribe (Orange Protoss)

versus

Testosterone
Grendel Brood (Teal Zerg)

BuyMeBreadMom
Infested Furinax Tribe (Purple Protoss)

The Story

     The Umojan Protectorate has finally decided to side with the Protoss in the growing war over the Koprulu Sector.  After much debate, they have sent one of their greatest commanders, realize, to represent themselves in front of the Conclave.  As an official escort to Auir, the Conclave has sent the Praetor of the Great Fleet, hypnotiZe  The Conclave gave hypnotiZe strict orders that realize make it to the meeting site alive.
     However, the Overmind has caught wind of this agreement, and it knows that should the Terrans and Protoss join forces, it would bring the efforts of the Zerg to a halt.  IT sends the Grendel Brood, led by cerebrate Testosterone, to handle the situation.  It managed to exercise mind control over a legion of the Furinax tribe, and their Head Templar BuyMeBreadMom, hoping the Auriga will not raise arms against their brethren.
     As the Great Fleet and realize enter orbit over Auir, an observer finds unknown forces at the designated meeting zone, a temple area known only by the Conclave Judicators, or so it was thought.  hypnotiZe contacts realize:

          hypnotiZe:  There is a grave situation.  Hostile forces have been detected by the temple.  I believe we should send for assistance.

          realize:  The Protectorate said I should take advantage of any opportunity to prove myself to the Conclave, and that's exactly what I'm going to do here.

          hypnotiZe:  You Terrans are more valiant than I believed.  Send down a small detachment.  We shall deal with the intruders ourselves.

The Lost Temple

                Testosterone appeared in the 7 o'clock zone, realize at 12, hypnotiZe at 2 o'clock, and BuyMeBreadMom at 6.  All parties do some peon scanning, and in a few minutes everyone knows where everyone else is.  Testosterone goes for an early expand at his cozy little natural after he gets spawning pool.  HypnotiZe saw Bread go for an early forge before gateway, and figures he would cannon in. He would, but not quite where expected...

         realize, if you haven't guessed went for the old Terran standard:  Wall in at choke point, with 2 rax and a depot.  It may be passe, but if it works, who's complaining except the person trying to bust through?

          There was however, one little problem with realize's wall in plan:  He doesn't shut up the entrance, instead, leaving a direct path in front of his rax. This would hurt him later...

          hypnotiZe's scouting probe had just left Bread's main, and was now pretty sure of where to find the Zerg.  It didn't take long for him to come upon Testosterone's morphing hatchery.  Since it was quite undefended, the little probe decided to act out it's childhood (assuming that probes have childhoods) dream and tries to take down the hatchery.

          This, however, doesn't go over well with the locals, and since Testosterone doesn't like having rude guests to his main, he sends a drone to shoo away the probe.  So the mean old drone comes along and yells at the probe to leave the hatchery alone.  The probe however is running on a synthetic adrenaline high and is far cockier than he should be.  So the drone it forced to attack the probe and make it leave. The probe however knows something that the drone doesn't know...

          That little probe has some big friends: two marines and a zealot.  And they are coming down right as the drone send the probe off.  However the hatchery completes just as the reinforcement arrive, and the drone implants itself into the ground to become asunken colony.  Of course, sunken colonies take awhile to morph.  and since there were no other zerg around at the time, the group of attackers are free to rape the wanna-be sunken colony.  However, their fun wouldn't last long...

        That egg was hatching some zerglings.  And the zealot doesn't particularly like overgrown bugs, so it runs back to base.  Without the zealot or medic support, the marines are easily defeated.

      Now, right about this time, you may be wondering to yourself "Ok, so where is Bread?"  Good question.  If you're rooting for hypnotiZe, though, you might not want to know the answer.   Let's take a look at the minimap:

As you can see, the only expansion is Testosterone at his natural.  You can see the protoss and terran forces retreat from the zerglings.  But note that little purple blip not far from the perimeter of hyp's base.  Remember how earlier hypnotiZe thought that Bread was going to cannon in?  Well, yes, Bread does cannon in...right next to hypnotiZe.  While he was fighting the zerg across the map, he failed to pay attention to his base.  And it was this mistake that probably cost him the game, as you shall later see.

         Sadly, by the time realize informs hypnotiZe that his main is being invaded, the first cannon is already up, and 3 more are on the way. Unless he acts fast, his main will be overcome by a cheese cannon creep that should never have happened.

          So, while hypnotiZe's base is being cheesed up by some cannons, how is realize faring?  Well, better than his teammate, at least for the moment.  He now has built a retinue of about a control group of marines which are now milling about boredly waiting for action.  Well, this time the action comes to them.  About 6 zergling romp right up the ramp into realize's main.  Needless to say, the zerglings were easily handled.

          So while the Terrans were having their fill of sickly twisted fun and excitement, hypnotiZe wasn't nearly as joyful.  The cannons are now up to his nexus, and one has started pounding his assimilator.  There is now pretty much no chance for him.  He will not give in without a fight: He has built robotics equipment to give him reaver capability.  If it comes out soon enough, he may still be able to save his main.

         So what, friends, does hypnotiZe have to say about his base being cheesed over by cannons?  We turn it over to hypnotiZe:

Thank you for those brilliant words of wisdom hypnotiZe!

        Meanwhile, realize tries for another shot at the zergish expansion.  He gets together a group of marines and sends them off to the expansion.  But he only has one medic for support.  Test has enough hydras to hold them off, so the marines retreat to just outside the expansion, waiting for any forces to come through.

          hypnotiZe's main has now become a moot point.  The cannons have owned over his base, and that reaver is stuck behind the mineral line.  As a last ditch effort, hypnotiZe tries to cannon back.  But there are too many, and his efforts are stuffed.  With that, he takes all his remaining forces-4 zealots and a handful of probes-to the temple to pray to Adun for help.  The prayers of the protoss are answered by the Terrans, who say they have enough men to work over Bread's main.  Though hypnotiZe is wary after being raped by cannons, he knows that it's either do or die, so off they go to Bread's certainly heavily guarded main....

OR IS IT?????

          Bread has spent all his money on that cannon push.  I believe he forgot cannons can't run home to defend your main, because the picture at left is his entire main.  Only the one cannon defending everything else.  Bread sees the force massing for his base, and panics.  He frantically begins to build cannons and two gateways, hoping he has time enough to at least combat the incoming attack.

          The Terrans and Protoss arrive at Bread's main...and are astonished that he is just now warping in gateways!  They waste no time in razing everything in sight, with no losses at all!  Bread tries to fight back, but knows he's finished, and let's his main be raped while he evacuates what little he can.

         After Bread's main is no more, hypnotiZe orders realize to pump tanks.  I mean he should have a factory by now...right?  Wrong again!  He has three raxs, but nothing higher than an academy.  This will mean big problems in just a few minutes, because when you get behind in tech, you get into a heap of trouble...

           Bread has managed to evacuate 2 probes into the Zerg hive cluster.  When they inform the Overlords that Bread's base was overrun, Testosterone immediately dispatches a control group of hydras to handle the situation.  This is a minimap taken during the assault on Bread's main.  That teal looking line is a group of Hydras moving in to try to liberate Bread's main.  However, in the middle of the assault, the stop just short.  I can only guess Bread told him not to waste those hydras in what would be a vain attempt to rescue an already dead main.  Instead, they hold short right about Bread's natural.  What do you think the zerg do next?

         That's right.  Those are  lurker eggs  just outside the entrance to the old Bread main.  One can guess the plan will be to lock them in while Testosterone's brood handles the Terrans.  Bread takes this opportunity to try to restart a nexus just beyond the Zerg expansion.

          But this does not elude the Terrans, who send down a squad of stalwart marines backed with medics to handle the warping nexus.  realize is fearful of the Zerg running him back to his base, so he asks that hypnotiZe help him.  The zealots and probes are mobilized, hoping to lock the Zerg in and containing them all the way to victory!!!

          Or at least that was the plan.  As soon as the zealots move out, the Lurkers hatch.  This meant major trouble.  Neither team had mobile detection, so the lurkers were free to kill anything in their path.  This included the Protoss troop who came upon them just after the burrowed.  The Terrans however, come along  AFTER the Protoss retreat back, and think they can handle the situation themselves.  However, since you can't fight what you can't see (unless you are a High Templar), the marines are owned, and all but three are skewered by those insidious, subterraenen spines.  Both squads are trapped until the lurkers move, which probably won't happen in the near future.

          realize has a little more luck back at the enemy nexus.  The Zerg don't bother to try and help Bread ward off his attackers, so his new nexus it shut down before it's even finished warping.  The marines are feeling pretty good about themselves,and decide to flirt with the medics.  All but one, that is.  He tries to stay faithful to his wife and lays back.  He is raped severely as a lurker comes up to deliver some very nasty late hits.  And since he is detectionless, a few more infantry are impaled through the ass before he finally retreats his troops.  But it wasn't far enough, since he is still outside the detection field of his turrets.  A few more infantry become blood pudding before he hauls ass back safely inside his main.  And what does realize have to say about it?

Your vast wisdom has amazed us all realize.

(BTW: Realize wanted to let everyone know that he is on crack at the time in case I BRed this, so to let everyone know....)

REALIZE IS ON CRACK!!!!!!!

Back to the BR....

          Testosterone decides it's time to finish off what is left to hypnotiZe's main, and pulls his lurkers from guard duty at Bread's old main.  The sad part is, hypnotiZe watches his main be fried from the cameras mounted on the buildings, and he doesn't even know he's free.   So now as he watches his main slowly hacked into pieces by Hydralisks, realize gives it one last go and tires to run past the Lurkers.  However, he sees not a single spine.  They are free at last!  However, for hypnotiZe, it's too late.  He charges his forces as fast as their cybernetic legs and repulser systems can carry them.  He knows this effort is in vain, but he figures it's best to go out like a true Protoss: Selflessly and foolishly charge into the shadow of death while screaming psionic obscenities at enemies who can't even hear them.  And what's probably worse is that before the rest of it is that before his main at cheese from a massive cannon creep earlier, he managed to get a reaver out of the bay.  The problem is he wouldn't fit through the little hole in the mineral fields, so he was left behind.  If hypnotiZe saw that he had one reaver left, maybe he could have stored up scarabs and bought enough time for the rest of his forces to finish the job.  But no, it was not to be.  The hydralisks made short work of all that you see in the picture.  After it all turned into that blue vaporic psionic mist characteristic of everything Protoss, the 4 zealots sent to save his base were raped by lurkers that were standing by.  With no forces or money left, he knew that there is nothing left to do but load up and ship back to the Conclave to explain his severe failure to secure the Lost Temple.  Word has it the Conclave stuck him in one of those things they stuck Tassadar into.  Such a nice group of people, the Conclave.

So let's have a gander at the minimap at the time of hyp's departure to temporal statis:

         As you can very plainly see, the teal far outnumbers the blue dots on the minimap.  And that can mean only one thing: realize is in deep shit.  He has no tanks, no science vessels, and pretty much no hope because of the 6 lurkers Testosterone commands.  realize will not go down without a fight.  So what if about 20 infantry get slaughtered in the process?  The Umojan Protectorate encourages the same ideals about battle and glory in honorable death that the Protoss do, so it matters not to realize, as long as his head remains attached to his neck.

          Hoping to combat the lurkers with the help of  a missile turret, realize sends down all the infantry he has to try and defend his base against the oncoming Zerg onslaught.  His medic to marine ratio is about 1:1, and if he has enough time to finish the turret, he might be bale to pull off this crazy defense of his main.  Maybe realize should take a side trip to that temple and start praying too.

Testosterone has had enough waiting.  He has about 20 hydras and lurkers and is ready

It's all academic from there, so I'll leave you with a collage of realize's main getting pummel, before he runs back to Umoja explaining why all his troops were massacred, and he never even saw one Judicator.

YOUR WINNERS:

Testosterone & BuyMeBreadMom

FINAL SCORES

PLAYER OF THE GAME

         This section is to honor the unit of group of units that made the big difference in the game.  This section will be included in all my future BR.  And today's Player of the Game is....

Bill, BuyMeBreadMom's scouting probe!

This little guy made all the difference.  While Bill got little in the way of kills, the secret way he set up the cannon creep turned a 2 on 2 into a 2 on 1.  And it also made it impossible for realize or hypnotiZe to save the base.  And without his Protoss ally in the game, realize is easily owned by the Zerg.  Way to go Bill!

         For those of you who don't know, which is probably everyone reading this, I am hosting a tournament August 4th-6th. You don't have to be an expert to play, though it increases your chances of winning. If you aren't doing anything that weekend, and you are interested, I invite you to come and check it out.  We are also looking for people to report the tournament rounds. Visit the homepage here

Thanks to everyone for reading! I hope this was far more entertaining than my last BR.

Until next time, Starcraft fans!