So, if and vhen you are having a day vhere tings are not going your vay or you just feel like poop, come and find ze Doc and ve vill play.  You vill either beat me in vhich case you vill feel much better or I vill beat you in vhich case you vill feel more like poop.  If zis happens it means you totally suck and are destined to be a big poop-feeling enitity for ze rest of your Starcraft days.

There is also ze other option of just having me along for the ride so I may vatch and provide therapeutic comments as necessary.  This is ze option that was chosen as I begin my first installment of publicizing my patients sessions.  Shall ve begin? 

Intro:                                                                                                         

First, I will make it known that anyone involved in one of my sessions is by no way shape or means protected by any privacy act associated with other doctors.  The withholding of any information is solely up to my discretion and it is my presumption to exploit words, actions and general goings on as much as possible.  Plus, I hold the authority to add anything I like!  Um, call it creative license.

One of my frequent contacts on Battle.Net happens to be quite an enigmatic persona.  Regehr, as he calls himself, is basically a really screwed-up-in the head, genuine Canadian Hoser.  I encountered him today in one of his general tirades and found he was in need of a "picker-upper".  His nemesis Sicamous soon joined us.

Sicamous is another Canadian Hoser, though not near as in need of mental help as Regehr.  The two of them have an ongoing series, and if I am not mistaken here Sicamous holds the upper hand.  However, Regehr is in an especially fiesty and provoking mood and decides to seek some vengeance upon Sicamous.  Seeing the opportunity to clinically probe these two Hosers, I make a game and have them join.

Heartwood:                                                                                         

Ah, should be a typical grudge match.  Both have selected random.  I note Regehr's remark in reference to the male testicular area and the game begins.

Zerg vs Terran on Heartwood.  Hoser extraordinaire, Regehr, has been blessed by the SC gods and receives a teal Command Center at bottom left.  Sicamous spawns a foul brown Hatchery at top left.  Yes, I can't stand the Zerg.  It is a totally biased opinion on my part, but I can't help it.  No offense to Sicamous, but I have a blatant dislike of those indecipherable creatures that hold a very borg-like agenda.  Anyway, lets see what these two are up to.

Regehr has begun his build order in a circle around his CC.  Depot, depot, barracks, bunker, barracks.  An SCV was also dispatched on scouting duties.  Sicamous got an early Spawning pool (on 7 or 8 control) then morphed a sunken, extractor, Hydra Den, and a second Hatchery right next to his main one.  While the initial builds begin, Regehr wastes no time in his attempt at verbal warfare and starts a little chatter to set the game's mood.

The scouts each have employed have informed each combatant of his opponents race, however there is quite a difference as to what happens to the scouts.   Regehr's SCV made it to the zerg base first.  The SCV was able to dance a big circle right through the center of the base and kicked the burners on as a zergling begins to chase after it.  The Overlord that made a bee-line south, finds the terran, but cannot get out of gauss range fast enough and explodes in a gory "bleauuuch".  Another zergling has made its way into the terran base to get a better look than the dead overlord and dies to ---- an SCV.

Regehr is starting a 3rd barracks and Sicamous begins a Lair.  Looks like lurkers.  What is this?  That SCV Regehr had scouted with has been successful in traversing the entire map while being chased by a zergling!  Yes, that is right, the ENTIRE map.  Regehr sends a lone marine towards the center and has his SCV rendezvous there.  With a little help from the marine the SCV kills the zergling.

Someting is vrong here.  So far ve havf had tree units get killed, 2 melee units and one supply/detector.  Yet, there are two peons vith a kill each?!  If ze rest of ze game goes like this, then ze zerg is not looking too good.  All together now..."can you say Foreshadow?"

Sicamous is undeterred with his zergling losses to SCV's and sends another 4 of them out.  They split up and sit at each remaining start node and outside the terran base.  Regehr has an academy now and also begins construction of a new CC at his ramped natural expansion.  The Lair is finished and I can only assume lurker is being researched as four hydras are just milling about.

I attempt to pry a little further into the psyches of the two Hoser's, but they seem just a little focused on each other right now.  It is apparent they do not intend to draw this game out.  The lack of chatter shows that each is going for a fast kill.

Regehr is first to move.  That crazy SCV that got chases around the entire map before exacting vengeance upon that zergling has decided to move in for a closer look of the zerg base.  This SCV is brave indeed.  With 1 kill and only 5 hp's the SCV we will now call Doug Mackenzie, approaches the zerg base from the south.

A lttle fine scouting by Doug informs Regehr there are a few hydras and a few zerglings.  He is also able to report the other Hatchery.  Regehr instructs Doug to check up the ramp to the right of the zerg base for another Hatchery.  Seeing nothing there but an OL sitting where a Hatch should go, Doug scrambles down the ramp out of sight range and begins construction of..............a bunker!  Regehr sends a troop of 8 marines and 2 medics enroute to arrive about the time the bunker finishes.

Note about the map.  Each start is in a corner and basically has two potential choke points.  Regehr has set up his encampment on the RIGHT side of Sicamous.  The natural path of attack is from below Sicamous.  Sic does have an OL to the right, but it is not postioned in the best local and is totally idle.  I tink Sic is sick - in ze head today!

Regehr has built a third offensive bunker now and appears to be ready to strike at the zerg main.  If you noticed on the mini-map, you saw about 4 brown dots seemingly en-route to the terran base.  These dots are lurkers and they are headed to the thus far turret-less and tank-less terrans.

I hear the sounds of drugs being injected into the hardy marines and look up just in time to see them ripping through a dozen or so freshly hatched zerglings.  The drug-enhanced marines are then able to fire upon the second hatchery while staying out of the sunken's range (of which there are now two).  After popping the Hatchery the troop forgoes taking on the sunkens and moves to a spot behind the mineral line to kill helpless and mindless drones and prevent them from mining.  The marines not only succeed in preventing mining, but have also killed 2 OL's that were hiding in the corner.  Sicamous is content to leave those marines be as his lurkers are almost upon the terran base.  

The zerg brood is not mining right now, but lurkers in a terran base without threat of tanks are quite a serious matter.  The lurkers begin to destroy first, SCV's, then every other structure they can get close to.  Did I mention that Regehr had failed to build a ComStat?  Well, he forgot.  Lurker spikes are running rampant in the terran main.  SCV's are lost, and eventually all stationaery structures are razed.  But, remember that expansion Regehr had?  Most of his SCV's were able to read the book of Maynard, 'see the light' and turbo their happy asses to the other CC.

The terran are definitely on the ropes here.  Actually, both of them are.  Sicamous made a mistake and got almost all of his remaining drones killed trying to mine again.  He also got all but one of his lurkers killed by burrowing too close to the bunker in the terran main.  Regehr had built a ComStat at his new CC.  He was also able to pump out several more marines before having to lift his barracks.  And if things can't totally crumble even worse for the zerg, there is a Factory with a Machine Shop at the expansion of the terran.

Sicamous does clear the marines out if his mins and is able to mine again, but it is a done deal.  Regehr has a fully operational expansion supporting tanks and marines, another expansion beginning on high-ground due to landing his main's CC, and he has a mobile force of 12 marines, a few medics and a tank. Sicamous cannot catch back up and is overrun by the small terran force.  I am somewhat stunned that the lurkers failed miserably in destroying the terran and even more so that Regehr handled his terran so well.  Comments abound and Regehr finishes in his general Hoserish way.

Ah, so Regehr is feeling very cocky with his vin over Sicamous.  Ve had a Zerg versus Terran match-up in vhich ze astute terran vas able to outmaneuver ze lurker rush.  Regehr feels much better but now Sicamous is beginning to feel like poop.   It is agreed upon to play another game.  Not much is said going into zhis new game.  I am sensing frustration and hostilty from Sicamous and mounting cockiness from Regehr.  Should Regehr vin zhis game I am not sure if I can put up vith an elated ego from such  Hoser.  Vith zhat said, GO Sicamous!!!

  Medusa:                                                                                                   

Both players again chose random and both players again wound up with the same races they had the first time.  Sicamous spawns white zerg in the bottom left and Regehr lands teal terran in the bottom right.  Very quickly into the game, Regehr opts for his usual method of tactical questioning.  His build order depends upon the answers to these questions.

It gets fairly quiet again as the builds commence.  Scouts go forth.  An OL begins a trip north and Regehr's first SCV scout starts clockwise running into the zerg base on the first spot he scouts.  Seeing the zerg so close, Regehr goes again with a 3 barracks build followed by a Refinery and an Academy.  Seems to want to pump some M&M.

Sicamous has gone a little more conservative.  Spawningpool, Hatchery, then Extractor.  And then about 3 Sunkens!  Bah, he has been rattled.  At least he has started an expansion.  The left middle start position now has a budding Hatchery morphing in.  Sicamous also upgrades his main Hatchery to a Lair.

About the time the Lair is morphing in, Regehr's first attack force of M&M makes its way to the ramp leading to the zerg base.  Stimpacks are passed around and the marines engage.  Zerglings and sunkens fight off the first group with only the loss of plenty of zerglings and one sunken.  Sicamous is very excited for not falling to doom like he did the first game and Regehr makes some crazy remark about a cookie.

Well, Sicamous has about 8 zerglings left over and decides not to wait at all.  The lings scamper as they might and voraciously attack a supply depot that was placed at the bottom of Regehr's ramp.  An SCV building a bunker at the back of the mineral line is next to go down, but the other bunker is more than a match and Sicamous's foray into the terran base is ill fated.

Sicamous seems to be ready to strike again.  He quickly has a group of 24 zerglings ready to go.  And go they do. Unfortunately, Regehr had enough time to roll a tank off the line and has it accompanying a group of M&M.  The zerglings and terran strike force left both of their respective bases at the same time.  They meet right at the ledge ramp outside the terran base.  The zerglings were on attack move, but were in a crazy single file formation as they came up the ramp.  All 24 zerglings are eradicated without single loss of terran blood.

Sicamous was able to get a Queen's Nest at his expansion, but upon seeing his entire zergling army massacred while enroute to the terran, more ground forces are spawned.  Regehr, on the other hand, marches his successful group of M&M with tank, and parks them outside the zerg main while waiting on his firebats to catch up.  Regehr is banking on the fact that sheer zerglings are the fastest thing Sicamous can make and has countered with mass firebats out of his 4 barracks now.

Sicamous has kind of split his sturctures between his main and his expansion.  With no Nydus canal it makes it a little difficult to to rally a defensive force to fend off the firebats, M&M -and tank.  Needless to say, I have to turn my speaker volume down to bring the massive flame thrower sounds emanating from the shambled zerg main.  It actually takes a little while for firebats to barbeque a base.

In one last desparate attempt to salvage the game, Sicamous hatches mutalisks.  He has a Spire, 2 Hatcheries, and another Spawningpool at his new main.  If Regehr were to have maintained firebats and maybe slacked off a little bit, it may have worked.  However, there is a fully functional terran expansion up north and plenty of marines back at the main, so when 9 mutalisks come storming in, a short stim and a bloody yell and they are toast.  Short of the mutalisks, Sicamous is totally successful in a 9 on 1 ravaging of an SCV by some of his fleeing drones.

I offer some words to Sicamous, for he is having a horrible day.  I have seen him play much better and say so.  Of course, this just fouls his mood even more.  Sicamous does offer some explanation and before I can speak up, Regehr speaks his peace.

Sicamous is determined to make Regehr hunt down every last Hatchery he can morph.  This provides to be frustrating for Regehr, so in some small way this IS good therapy for the both of them!  I attempt to give Sicamous a little solace and take my two SCV's and begin attacking various ones of Regehr's.  This does nothing but ensure that I get hunted down and eliminated!  Regehr remains as Hoser Extraordinaire.

Final Vurd:                                                                                        

Sicamous is finished vith messing vith Regehr for ze day.  I imagine he feels a little more like poop, and at ze request of Regehr, Sicamous and myself vind up in a 1v1 on Triumvurate.  I vas toss, Sicamous vas terran.  I vnet fast goons to reavers and vas able to drop him successfully.  Apparently, Sicamous had ulterior motives from the start and vent for fast wraiths to kill Regehr's observing Command Center.  But, I stole zhat zhunder too!  It vas my 2 dragoons that popped Regehr's CC!

So, vhat a day.  Regehr feels a little better about himself (even zhough I killed his CC).  And Sicamous feels like total poop for losing two games in a row, zhen dumping ze one vs me!  But, Sicamous is a tough player.  He had a rough day, and ve made it rougher.  Zhis is so good for character!  Maybe if he is lucky he vill not be a poop feeling entity for ze rest of his Starcraft days!

Come find me, maybe I make you feel like poop too!

-Dr.Zchivago