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To those of you who will read this report:
This is my second attempt at using HTML in a BattleReport. The first attempt seemed to work out alright; initially it even looked the way
I wanted it to on the site. Now it seems every time I read it something new is wrong. I don't know how it happens, but the pictures don't line
up the way they're supposed to, or disappear all together, or overlap the font, and it's freaking annoying. Now the damn frame is too large so you must scroll to see the whole report. Dammit!
Well, here we go again. I had problems from the beginning, but I've previewed this report repeatedly and it seems ok. Special thanks to Protest Boy, who
demonstrated to me how to get the background the way I want it. Well, without further ado...
Good StarCraft games seem to come in waves. Either you have a long session of gut-wrenching
nail-biting anxiety, or you find yourself playing an opponent that 4-pools you on Dire Straits. And then,
there's always the guy who insists that he make the game—when you get there, you see the map is
Blood Bath and the other player chooses Zerg at the last second. Sadly, it seems that the crappy games
outnumber the good ones by fifty to one, but then again that is what makes a good game so satisfying.
I was searching through the channels one afternoon, looking for one last good StarCraft game before I headed back to college, where the lack of a personal computer limits my StarCraft experience to reading battle reports like a slobbering dog being offered table scraps during Thanksgiving. Pathetic, I know…but it's my life.
My first game was played on, you guessed it, Blood Bath. My opponent's name escapes me, however I remember that the "/stats" command informed me that his record was something like 150/30. Great. He should kick my ass. I found myself randomed as Terran in the upper-left corner. After a brief period of harvesting minerals and desperately trying to get a barracks up to survive the imminent rush, I received a message from him stating "Darn…I messed up in the beginning."
"Good," I said. Maybe I would be able to hold on for a bit longer. Suddenly 6—no 8 Zerglings attacked me. Dammit. My SCV's were dead meat. However, I wasn't out yet. Earlier I had decided to experiment a bit and scooted an SCV to the upper right starting point. Here I built another Command Center to hopefully begin a new base. I know what you're thinking; with 400 minerals I should have been able to defend myself, but like I said, I was experimenting. Anyway, while my main was being razed, I began this secret expansion. To stay alive I floated my Command Center, out of the reach of his Zerglings. My opponent would have to get Hydras to threaten me, and this annoyed him. He called me pathetic, a loser, and said there was no point to continue—but I knew that if he wanted a victory, there was nothing he could do but get those Hydras.
Meanwhile my expansion was coming online slowly. I floated my original Command Center towards his base to see what was up, the whole time being insulted for my stubbornness. Just as I received a faint glimmer of hope (a healthy expansion with a Barracks started), he found my dirty little secret; the jig was up :( He laughed and took back calling me a pathetic loser. I knew there was really no point to fighting any more, so I conceded the game.
That had been yet another loss for me as Terran. I decided that I would forsake my damn loser species and apply for a Cerebrate position. I know what you are saying: "Spuzz, you idiot, you're a human! The Zerg will not employ you, they'll KILL you the second they see you!!" Well, I had a fake mustache to take care of that little problem. I enlisted in my neighborhood recruitment colony.
After a relatively easy application process, I was given the title Cerebrate Spuzz. I decided to test myself by responding to the requests of "WHO WANTS 1V1!!!!????" given in the StarCraft USA-2 channel by another person whose name I've forgotten. As usual, my opponent insisted on creating the game, and it was of course Blood Bath. I was given the upper left corner again, and started my normal building order of 8-Overlord, then pool and then hatchery. I was up to about seven drones when suddenly I was attacked by five SCV's! Careful micro killed the invaders with only four drone losses. I was told "Awww, shit," and my enemy left the game. Since the whole charade lasted only one minute and fifty-eight seconds, I was awarded a freaking draw.
What the hell does it take to get a decent StarCraft game going? I fumed for a bit and began the process over. After several quick wins as Zerg on various maps, I had started feeling rather confident and enjoyed my life as a Cerebrate. But then…the discrepancy began…
Let me tell you.
Being a Cerebrate is hell. The people I work with are cool, and I like my job. The problem is that Sara Kerrigan is a freaking bitch. She…dammit, she just sucks. I first met her after she had captured a large Protoss base on Auir. After accepting their reluctant surrender, she proceeded to personally execute every last Protoss being in the base, starting with the children. I approached her as she licked the blood off one of her blades:
That, my friends, is the icing on the cake. The woman is a freaking slob. The hair on her legs is so long she can rub them together and play them like a cricket. She complains about EVERYTHING nonstop. She made me paint her toenails dark green to match her skin.
All these things were difficult to deal with, but the straw that broke the camel's back was when she forgot Drone #6643829's birthday. He wore his good pants all day and watched the door during his party to see the second she came in…but she never did. Eventually the party wound down and everyone went home for the night; it dawned on Drone #6643829 that Kerrigan was not coming. I had to hold him all night long, comforting him between shaking sobs. It broke my heart to hear him say, "Spuzz…she (sob) doesn't even care (sob)…that it's my berfday..."
It was more than I could stand. I decided right then that I was taking Drone #6643829 and his family to start our own colony, away from that horrible Kerrigan.
We planned hastily and escaped during the darkness of night. After travelling for several days, we finally settled down at a quaint little place on Earth called Sherwood Forest. There were some previous human inhabitants, but their puny arrows and swords didn't hold up, even against unupgraded Drone carapace. After the rather short squabble which we called the "Merry Men Incident", we established a Hatchery and readied ourselves for a new life. But Kerrigan would not surrender us so easily…
LA RESISTANCE
Map: Sherwood Forest, 128 x 128 with starting locations and main bases located along the border
Game: Vanilla StarCraft
Players: Spuzz (me), who chose Zerg and spawned to the 2:00 position
Isaac_Draco, who chose Zerg and spawned to the 3:00 position
I started with my standard building orde of 8-Overlord, then spawning pool, then hatchery. As you can see on the map, our bases were pretty close. I was surprised to see my scouting Drone killed so quickly, and I was a bit slow to offer the same hilarious response I give every single time my scout gets killed:
Despite the sidesplitting comment I made, I was seized in a grip of terror. Kerrigan had already found us, and sent a Cerebrate by the name of Isaac_Draco to collect us. It was clear that she meant to make examples out of us.
Close starting positions often results in vicious early attacks from both players that usually end the game quickly. I groaned and prepared for warfare. However, the attack did not come. I fortified with Sunken Colonies anyway, and began my strategy of using Hydras and Zerglings early game. One Zergling that spawned, named Billy, turned out to be a mischievous little devil, full of lovable antics. At one point he attached a "Kick Me" sign to the back of a drone. The whole Hive had a good laugh over the incident, and I smiled, shaking my finger and saying, "Billy, you and those darn lovable antics!"
During the pre-battle silence, I started an expansion at 12:00.
The location of this expansion (and the natural boundary it contains) would later be important. Next, I sent Zerglings to each of the resource nodes along the border to act as scouts. There are also mineral-only expansions in the center of the map, but I neglected them. This carelessness would turn out to bite me in the ass later in the game. Suddenly, I received the "Our forces are under attack!" signal. An enemy Drone was attacking the Zergling scout at the lower right corner. Isaac_Draco muttered a "Curses", lost his Drone, and was denied an expansion. Billy, the Zergling who had killed the drone, said,
"Looks like that drone needed a break!" My entire Hive broke into uproarious laughter. I couldn't contain my chuckles as I shook my head and said,
"Billy, you and your darn lovable antics!!"
In spite of this minor victory and the lovable antic that ensued, my troops were in low spirits, fearful of Kerrigan's rage. They had not forgotten all the reasons why we deserted her, but the thought of Kerrigan's power coming down on us was disheartening. I knew I had to boost morale, so I assembled the troops to give a speech. Since it seemed appropriate, I sang the song of La Resistance, written by Trey Parker:
God has smiled upon you today;
The fate of a nation in your hands.
And blessed be the Zerglings,
who fight with all our bravery
till only the righteous stand.
You see the distant flames;
They bellow in the night.
You fight in all our names,
For what we know is right.
And when you all get shot,
and cannot carry on,
though you die,
La Resistance lives on!
Billy the Zergling took a cue and joined in with me:
You may get stabbed in the head,
With a dagger or sword.
You may be burned to death
Or skinned alive, or worse.
But when they torture you, you will not feel the need to run!
For though you die, La Resistance lives on!
This had a very positive effect on my troops; suddenly everyone felt they could take on Kerrigan by themselves. To test the waters, I decided to send a shitty little band of Zerglings (including Billy) to Isaac_Draco's front door and see what was up. Unfortunately, my guys were totally outnumbered and died quickly:
 
For some reason, Billy didn't seem to feel like attacking and just stood there, unnoticed. I burrowed him so he could provide some reconnaissance (Fortunately, my opponent had clustered all his Overlords to the rear of his main).  While underground, Billy stuck his foot out and tripped a passing enemy Zergling. After that, Billy muttered:
"I guess it's time to take a down-and-dirty approach to this problem!" The Hive, relieved that Billy was still alive, broke into laughter. I had tears in my eyes when I raised a fist and said,
"Billy, you and those darn lovable antics!"
At this point, I decided to check the lower right corner, where I had seen the enemy drone earlier. Bingo: a brand new enemy expansion. I decided to be sneaky, and built a Nydus Canal. Once it was finished, I began the exit tunnel on his expansion's creep, all while amassing a small army of Zerglings. He noticed the canal slightly before it was complete, and attacked with his drones while simultaneously starting some Zerglings. The canal finished and a few of my guys got through, but then his drones finished the job and the Nydus canal was destroyed. My guys did what they could, but once his fresh Zerglings hatched I lost mine. His expansion stood.
 At this point, my upgrades were 1/0. A little scouting revealed that he had started a second expansion at the 11:00 position. I sent a large cluster of Zerglings over there, but it was a bit of a hike so it took them a while to arrive.
 While they hustled towards battle, I parasited some Overlords and Zerglings in his main. There was a veritable assload of Zerglings that I would not be able to hold off, should they attack my base at that time. I quickly began increasing troop production.
Pressing onward, my attack squad of Zerglings finally reached their destination. At first it looked like I had the upper hand in terms of numbers, but like an idiot I did not target the Nydus canal quickly enough.
 
He sent some more Zerglings to the expansion via canal and my poor guys died. During this battle, I saw that his melee upgrades had reached 3. WTF!!?? I was still on 1! Shit!
"Our forces are under attack!" Crap. I suddenly saw what Isaac_Draco had made the assload of Zerglings for…he was attacking my 12:00 expansion full force! Thankfully, the arrangement of this expansion calls for intruders to travel along a rather lengthy, narrow path before finally getting to the entrance ramp. The Sunken Colonies I placed to block the ramp got a large number of free hits as the enemy Zerglings hustled to attack.
 Despite this advantage, though, he was able to eventually penetrate the Sunkens. I was stunned to see all the Zerglings Isaac_Draco devoted to destroy my expansion, especially when an Overlord drop or Mutas would have been much more effective. The utter hordes of Zerglings slowly pushed their way through and attacked my Drones. Fortunately I had a Nydus Canal to transport some Hydras over, who promptly defeated the wounded Zerglings. Thank God, too…I was already being out-resourced 3:2. If this expansion fell, I would have been done for.
Sensing that this was the time to attack (Isaac_Draco had just lost a huge number of troops), I checked his main: He had another large army of Zerglings ready!! Dammit, he was too fast! I was afraid to attack him because of the huge upgrade difference, so I instead reinforced my expansion with two Sunkens at the ramp and finally teched to Mutas, to counter the Zerglings.
While I was busy, Isaac_Draco sent a parasited Defiler up towards my base, which burrowed just outside my ramp. Even though it was parasited (and therefore provided some recon for me) I was uncomfortable with it there and Spawn Broodlinged it.
Suddenly, I was told "Our forces are under attack!!" again. Remember Billy, burrowed in Isaac_Draco's base? He was found and, to the horror of the Hive, ruthlessly murdered by a pack of Zerglings. It was a terrible and gristly death seen by my entire army. The poor Zergling died alone, but he was brave and while slowly passing away he uttered:
Now… the light…it fades;
And darkness…settles in.
But I will find strength
I will find pride within.
Because though I die
Our freedom will be won!
Though…I die…
La Resistance…lives…on…
Billy was no more. My base was stunned with sorrow.
Morale was at an all-time low. There was not a dry eye in my base as each unit shed a tear for poor Billy. We would never again witness one of his lovable antics.
Well, that's the end of Part One. Are you worried about what will happen? Will the rebel Zergs escape the cruel persecution of Kerrigan?
I made a link to the second part, you should find it here unless someone
posts a report between the two of mine. Go find out the answers to your questions!
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