The next set of steps I find lead up to a guard tower. A dark figure leans over the side, wearing a blood-stained uniform and smoking a cigarrette. He looks eerily familiar, but I am fatigued, and could be imagining things. The figure catches wind of my prescence and leaps from the tower. I dash to the ledge and peer over, only to see nothing. But what's this? Near my boot is something shiny. Being instantly attracted to shiny things, I ignore the fact that a man just leapt from a tower and dissapeared, and bend over to investigate.

A key?

Aha, the painfully obvious secret passage. It is short and winding, let with creepy torches. Sure, the whole game has been winding with creepy torches, but this one was really creepy. There were no Nazis, but some really big gross icky spiders, I hate those things.

At the end of the tunnel is a large, open room. In the center is a large statue. The figure is hold something, obviously a child pornography magazine. Branching from the room are two more tunnels, and a large depression in the wall with a keyhole in it. Wonder what that could be? I try my key, but alas, it is gold colored, and the lock requires a silver one. I opt to try the closest tunnels to me. Ack, more spiders, but I continue. Near the end I see a blessing. Two first aid kits and a set of body armor:

I am greeted by two soldiers carrying MG-42 machine guns, three with Mauser rifles, and an officer who looks a lot like Fruity VonDussendorf when attempting to retrieve the kits. The ambushers are all killed, and the officer is bullet riddled beyond recognition. On the body is a large silver key

It opens the "secret" passage, leading to a more well lit passageway. After a few minutes I find a set of winding stairs/ scaffolding leading down several stories. The plot thickens.

As I begin my descent down the stairs, I am greeted by two more guards carrying MG-42s and three with mausers. They really must not want me down here, probably where they store their child pornography. Two hours of walking down stairs pass, and I finally arrive on the ground floor. I am greeted by yet another MG-42 and a fat Nazi weiling an MP-40 Shmeisser. I am not woried as worried about the gun as I am one of the buttons popping off of that guy's uniform. He was fat! Now he's dead. After dispatching the two, I continue on my journey. Another long set of twisting walkways lead me to what may very well end my quest and my life:

Dead end.

In a moment of blind rage, I open fire on the barrier, trying in vain to "kill" it. Then I realize the error of my ways, and climb over it. The tunnels floor has been torn apart here, but I don't realize it, and find my self submerged. The water is a murky greenish-color (you can't tell from the pic of course). I see no pluming pipes, or the telltale floating poop signaling that there were pipes. I come up for air, then dive under, to investgate the source of the water.

Success! There is a blasted open hole in towards the bottom of the hole. I come up, catch my breath, and go back under once again. The tunnel seems to be carved, sigaling that it was not an accident which created this. At the end of the tunnel, I make yet another startling discovery.

A german U-Boat, heavily guarded. I count two MG-42's, at least four soldiers armed with Mausers, and an officer bearing an uncanny resemblance to Fruity VonDusseldorf. But I am out of breath, and must come up for air.

But once again, in my time of need, the great gamer gods are smiling down on me. I am suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of overwhelming power. As I burst from the water, machine gun blazing, the Nazis fall one by one. I climb out onto the dock and stare up at the last surviving soldier.

"Fruity VonDusseldorf?"

"You shilly American. You realishe that you cannot defeat a shpammer! You can destroy me as many times as you feel fit. But I've found a vay around all dat." He replies, coldy, and in a very gay sounding voice. Try saying his lines aloud in a German accent, it will make sense.

"But-but I..." I managed to stammer.

"Go ahead, try your shilly veapons!"

I reach for my rocket launcher, hoist it onto my shoulder and aim it towards the U-Boat.

"Loosher!" He screams. And with that, he clambors down the ladder and pulls the hatch closed.

A click-click signals a loud speaker:
"Now I vill take mine collection of child pornography oont mine shubmarine, and bid you good day!" With that, warning lights flash, and the U-Boat submerges.

This is devastating. In my moment of weakness, I had trusted him, and he had gotten away from me. He has escaped, and proven that it will take more than mere weapons to end his evil ways. But I will find a way, I will track that bastard to the ends of this earth and beyond, and I will destroy him, in the hopes that someday, a site will go without idiots posting gibbereish and garbage on it. Rest assured that I will not rest until he...is...I'm pretty tired right now, I'll...get..back..to....you...on...tha...zzzzz....

Well that's it. because as of now, Mortyr has been removed from my system. I hope you (those of you still awake/alive) enjoyed this. Also, look for a Squeaky Productions Warhammer report, within the next few days.