The Little Probe That Could!

Before we get to the extremely "hot" action that's about to happen, I thought I'd a little story about what happened to me in the doctors office yesterday. I think that will really set the mood for the BR that follows.
   I walk into the Doctors office in a hurry yesterday because I have been having this problem with "certain" aspects of my anatomy.
    Doctor, doctor I yelp. You've got to help me out!
    What's the problem son?
    My dick has turned BRIGHT ORANGE!
    Well let's have a look at it then.
   So sure enough I take off my pants and there is my penis as orange as ever.
    Jumping Jesus it is Orange!
    I told ya' doc.
    Well son have there been any changes in your lifestyle recently?
    Hmm, I got fired last week.
    So what have you been doing all day?
    I don't know. Mostly sitting around watching the Playboy channell and eating Cheetoes.
I know what you're thinking. What does this have to do with Starcraft? Plenty. Read on to find out. Oh and BTW, the actual BR's are quite unvulgar, and much easier to "swallow" than last itme. So read on and enjoy.

Part One: How to lose a 2n1. Badly.

This BR is actually two parts. The first one, is on how not to choose your partner. The second part is a fairly lengthy 1n1 battle that goes deep. Real deep. Like "probing" deep. You will understande what I'm talking about later!
As usual I was wasting my shortlived holiday from the dredges of school by scouting out NOHUNTERS for some prespective loosers. I'm not talking the regular kind, I mean the kind that absolutely blow at Starcraft. Because then by beating them I can make myself feel better. Just like steeling from kids on Halloween! So in typical nohunters fashion someone calls out.
2v2 Rivalry?
to which I immediately reply
Sure. Hope you 2 suck....
Now some of you may not remeber my first dismal attempt at a battle report entiteled "Sexual Healing B.net Style". But I got partnered with some guy named Master-Bates. I'm assuming it was a guy because I don't think many women would humiliate themselves with a name like that. So much to my chagrin, I notice my new teamates name.
D-Hard and CYBERPORN! Is this fate speaking out to me? Or do I just attract the weirdo's?
CYBERPORN. Great. I try telling a standard joke
D-Hard: Hey Pornhound. Just make sure you mouse ins't too sticky =)
CYBERPORN: LOL, real funny.
Hmm things have not started out well. The map is Rivalry, and just incase you've been living under a rock, here's a map shot.

D-Hard (That's me) is Orange in the BL with Random Terran. Scarecrow.BALLZ is purple in the BR With Protoss, MANTLE is red in the TR With Protoss, and of course that leaves my woefully named conterpart CYBERPORN as white in the TL with Zerg.

             Things are not looking good early. The second Orange dot is the only expansion of this blessedly short slaughter. 

I'll sumarize how the game went. The beginning was horrendous, the middle sucked more ass than a plastic surgeon, and the less said about the end the better =) Things just did not start out well for ol' D-Hard. My "Teamate", and I use that term loosely, either didn't speak english, or didn't understand how to share vision. I tried for about the first five minutes to get him to turn on vision, and pretty soon everyone was in on it.
Wow I really know how to pick em'
I figure either CYBERPORN just got out of his frontal labotamy operation and this was a 2n1, or it was a 3n1. Either way I had to act fast, so I threw every insult I knew at PORN boy and prayed they we're all as incompetant as CYBERPORN appeared to be. I started with my regular anti TOSS build as terran, and did a depot on 8 1/2, a Barracks on 10, and a quick bunker at the choke, with the standard heavy metal build thereafter. After putting 2 marines in the bunker and scouting with my lucky SCV I find purple in the BR with 2 gateways and a forge. Lucky for me the bunker went up when it did, as my 2 marines with SCV support took out 4 zealots of reds. I plunked down another Rax, built an academy and a factory. While this was happening I grouped some marines right outside purple's choke.As my first tank came out I sent him down there with an SCV to build an engineering bay outside his ramp as a spotter. Check it out below.

This was looking pretty sweet to me as I scanned his ramp. His first 4 zealots come charging down and die to medic marine and firebat support. The engineering bay is soon completed, and with it I am able to destroy the ramp defenses in a barrage of arcalite fire. My second tank is ready and is already on it's way. Back home I put up a starport, and some turrets. I rush in with my medics and marines, while my SCV builds a turret ontop of Purple's choke. And no, CYBERPORN has still not visioned me, or I suspect does he even know how. His stupidity is multiplied exponentially as I type
D-Hard: PORN, WTF are you doing. Vision me NOW man!
His quick rebuttal? Were we about to witness the brillant, and surely poetic speach of  CYBERPORN for the first time? I mean, how can a man aquire a name with such eloquence as CYBERPORN without being as cunning as a fox? No, alas he simply quit. I was never sure he even had to means for speach let alone typing. He was most definitely illeterate, or at least severely retarded. Now why am I stalling? Because I'm about to recieve the beating of a lifetime and putting down poor PORN boy is a great outlet for my comming hummiliation.
    Back to the action. Where was I. Oh yes, the battle over Purple's main. Just as I was rolling into a sweet 1n1 battle, red fly's in with a shuttle, drops off 2 templar and a reaver, and one storm and 5 scarabs latter my forces are reduced to 1 marine and 2 medics, who seem intent on groping each other, instead of healing my marine. I quickly decide to expand to my natural while Purple is still reeling. I build up a sizeable force of about 3 tanks, 15 marines, 3 firebats, and 5 medics at my choke. Then things go from bad to worse. Purple wipes out my soon to be completed natural expansion with about 15 goons. They march towards my choke and are held off admirably by some quick micro work, and SCV support. Unfortuentely while I was distracted by Purple, red drops off 2 shuttle's of Reavers behind my SCV's and backs them up with 2 scouts. I couldn't hold out against the ensuing mayham, and my base is soon in ruins. Here are a few shots of my humiliation.
Would this be the end?Or would my lone SCV hold out?

Alas, it was not to be. My SCV managed to actually finish off one of the reavers, which was weak due to tank fire, but he couldn't hold out forever. Stupid SCV. I floated off my CC, and GG's were offered all around. This report is getting kind of long, and I'm contemplating wheter or not to include the second report. Some people might never read this far and might miss out on it, on the other hand I'm here right now so I might as well do it. I know these two reports aren't nearly as funny as the last one, but I had to tone done the twisted sex jokes or face forever lowering BR scores. My next one will be crazy though. I'll write it under the influence of alcohol, after school starts up again next week. That should be worth a couple of laughs.

Now onto the good stuff!

Part Two:

A One probe Town. A Very Special Probe. Infact when I asked this little probe his name he replied "Anal"

As I logged back into NOHUNTERS I was eager for revenge on some easier prey. I log into some game proclaiming "1v1 Great new map". I'm thinking "Great. Another homemade piece O absolute Crap". I assure you I was only mildly dissapointed. The map which was called MazeHunt is shown below.

Me (D-Hard) spawned as Yellow Protoss in the TL corner. My opponent IVigial Spawned as blue Terran in the BL corner. This map was weird, there was an adequte amount of resources at each of the four locations, with a large amount in the 3 middle non-starting spots. The trick was that to get anywhere you had to navigate a whole bunch of winding passages. The computer AI for pathfinding seemed to have problems with this, especially with Archons. I started with the usual trash talk to get myself into the competitive mood and immediately started with the standard 2 gate build.I scouted for IVigial, and after a painstakingly long time (and my probe getting stuck several times) I found him in the BL corner turtling in with supply depots and bunkers. I saw where this game was going. I told him I was going to kick his ass for turtling to which he replied
IVigial: You'll see. You are so dead.
   Apparently my trash talking had put him in a bad mood. I immediately went for 2 early expansions, expanding once at my natural and once in the TR corner. I knew he would take his time in attacking, so I teched like the little whore that I am. I made a comment on how he was "Spending more time on his back then his mom, when the navy gets shore leave". I quickly went for corsairs and carriers, as land units would be completely useless in the winding passages, where tank fire could pound them from afar. I had quite the economy going so I decided to scout out ol' IVigial with a couple of observers. To my complete suprise I found a complete line of Turrets all around his base! Tanks were in there too. When I saw this I laughed, and typed.
    D-Hard: You've got to be kidding me.
    IVigial: Just try and get through that!
    D-Hard: Never heard od Gay-Web, eh? Bitch.
I only had a couple of carriers, but I had about 6 corsairs with Gay-Web ready to rip. The initial attack looked like this:

And after like this

As I was ready to toast a new victory in the shameless carreer of D-Hard, I hear that dreadful noise. Base is under attack. Would could this be? Shit! A group of about 35 wraiths were wrecking havoc in my base. I send in my corsairs, but he is scanning for my observers, and wiping them all out. My cannons have been ripped apart, and he continues to rape my base completely. I load one probe into a shuttle and scuttle him away to where my carriers are waiting. I hastily throw up a Pylon just in time. The cocky bastard has wipped out my base in a matter of minutes and is mocking me with his incredible wit.
    IVigial: Told you you where dead. Idiot
    D-Hard: Yeah well come suck it bitch.
The bad news is he looked like he was right. But I was determined. There was no way I was going to loose to this punk. I hastily contructed some cannons, and some shield generators, with my megear remaining funds. I had managed to build about 15 corsiars, while he was attacking and scurry them away to the relative safety of my carriers and the last 2 observers I had left. Check out all I had left.

    I decided to use an especialluy cheap strategy. I would Gay-Web like crazy, run in with my 6 carriers, do some damage and run back to the shield generators. I micro'ed like an animal. I D-Web'd with all the cloning skills I could musterm while doing the patended carrier dance, to always let the hits fall on shields. Blue quick;y sent in his wraith force to deal with me, but with all my cannons, my carriers and shiled generators, I took him out while only loosing one carrier! I slowly eroded his defenses with lots of Gaywebs. I webed anything that even remotely looked like a threat. Check out the carnage.

As my carriers got lazy they started telling jokes:

Ahh Gay-Web, gotta love it
After I took down most of his buildings, we exchanged a quick GG, and victory was at last mine!

Lessons

1. Never give up. I barely survived but somehow managed a victrory. Granted he sucked, but hey take what you can get.

2. Never ever play with partners that have pornographic names. Like CYBERPORN, Master-Bates, or D-Hard. Oh shit. Okay well, there not all bad =)

3. Gay-Web rules. It completely destroyes any sign of terran land Defenses.

4. Avoid 2n1's. You'll get your ass kicked.

Ok this is a long one, but not nearly so profane. Tell me what you think.

The O
A.K.A D-Hard:  bonus points to whoever can tell me what the D in D-Hard stands for =)

Until next time....