| #1 mattzarella[164139] |
| 96.5.33.65.cfl.res.rr.com |
| ;] |
| #2 NewbEye[164144] |
| dp-216-106-106-249.storm.ca |
(Your comment link is wrong.)
Holy plot twist... I'm almost speechless. Nice work tying the separate threads together.
My one minor complaint would be with the use of words that don't "belong" in a fantasy setting (gunfire, action-film). There must be a word for that, but I can't think of it at the moment...
I'm enjoying each contribution better than the last. Keep it up! |
#3  [164146] |
| ip68-225-202-104.ph.ph.cox.net |
all in all, i thought it was very good. not as good as your second installment but slightly better than your first.
while i didn't like the lecture from matt -- too much info all at once, making it more concise, maybe leaving out everything about the church (for now, mystery is a good thing, very good if you can weave everything together properly so as to not leave plot holes or open ends) and instead concentrating on their life after the church would have been best -- i did like how you broke up the lecture with bits of the scene and how ramza was reacting.
also, i would have liked to have seen more in depth detail of how the other cadets reacted to the story as well. the characters seemed to be slightly disjointed and inconsistant right now.
your strength certainly is the narration of the setting and how your characters react to it, and your dialogue is pretty strong outside of the lecture from matt. all in all its shaping up to be a very good story.
sort of split between a 7 and an 8, i'll make up my mind tonight though! |
| #4 PeaceableGhost[164147] |
| ppp-70-236-209-221.dsl.sfldmi.ameritech.net |
| That stupid comment link is wrong again. Hurrah for the story going somewhere though. 8. |
| #5 PeaceableGhost[164148] |
| ppp-70-236-209-221.dsl.sfldmi.ameritech.net |
| Oh, and NewbEye, I think the word is anachronism. |
| #6 mattzarella[164149] |
| 96.5.33.65.cfl.res.rr.com |
about the anachronism -
i took Dick and Matt's characters straight out of our own personalities. that being the case, they may say some things or use phrases which certainly don't belong in a fantasy world where dragons still roam around and burn shit to the ground. you probably noticed that the story of Repunzel is in this, just in a different location with a different princess, and there are a few other modern-day "easter eggs" which i've put in. generally, all of this will be in the characters' thoughts, and it will only happen to those who i take from this community.
sorry if it bothered you, but i doubt it will have any actual effect on the story. it's just something i decided to do which is completely irrelevant.:o |
| #7 [164161] |
| ip68-225-202-104.ph.ph.cox.net |
the anachronism didn't bother me too much (just one, really, since guns are part of the FFT universe), its a very small mistake imo. but if its left alone it could distract the reader, so you may want to watch it.
after rereading this, im going to give it a 7. i feel its really good, but the problems i had with it are just too much of the report itself. im definitely looking forward to the next installment though :] |
| #8 NewbEye[164169] |
| dp-216-106-106-222.storm.ca |
I should preface all my comments with "opinion of the commentator only" :P
The anachronism didn't bother me overmuch. It's just that you did such a great job of pulling me into the universe and then I see "action film", it's a bit of a shock. And it's only half-valid point if guns truly exist in FFT.
In the final analysis, it's your story. Write it the way you like; the people reacting are obviously enjoying it. |
| #9 micro[164179] |
| cache-mtc-ab06.proxy.aol.com |
| I *am* sharing the room with a spider. It's one of those neat little jumping spiders. I call him Jumpy. |
#10  [164183] |
| user-0ce2kp9.cable.mindspring.com |
Here's hoping you use the bartender guy again. I felt like he just dropped off after you developed him, and not after doing anything particularly important anyway. I didn't think it was necessary unless you were setting up a character
Saw a few errors in terms of spelling and shit. Didn't like some of your phrasing, especially the film thing. I know that's you bringing yourself into the report but that didn't fit with the tone at all. Disrupted the flow for me.
You hammered out a shitload of backstory in one scene. I'm not sure how I feel about that, especially since the game's focus is on Ramza more than you & Dickie. On one hand it was an interesting read. On the other hand...I don't think even in that moment of "god we can't do this" you'd spill everything. And I feel there are better ways to develop backstory than to have two characters sit at a table (or whatever) and tell the stories, or in Dick's case be like "oh yeah me too." The whole killin' for Jesus thing was interesting though.
Honestly your characters confuse me a lot. I'm not sure who they are, really. They seemed kind of goofy early on and now they're all hardcore murder machines.
That stuff, the seeming lack of the game, and...I dunno, something else, made me not enjoy this as much as the last two. I'm going to agree with Keanu on rating. |
| #11 Decay[164187] |
| 250-56.69-92-cpe.cableone.net |
| I finally kill someone, so 10. |
| #12 [164189] |
| user-0ce2kp9.cable.mindspring.com |
| well fuck |
| #13 micro[164242] |
| cache-mtc-ab06.proxy.aol.com |
i want to comment on maar's report, but since he leaves 6 comments for every rating i'll drop something into mattz's report just to spite him.
PUT THIS IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, MAAR
also, waiting for that next part in the untold story ;o |
| #14 micro[164294] |
| cache-rtc-ac08.proxy.aol.com |
| Spring tiiiime for Hitleeeeer and Geeermaneeeeey |
| #15 Psyonic_Reaver[164296] |
| mail.seventhmountain.com |
| Woohoo! I loved it Mattz. Keep it rollin! The church thing kind of got confusing and I had to re-read it a few times to compeletely understand but I got it. =p |
| #16 ZerG~LinG[164304] |
| 83.72.192.168.ip.tele2adsl.dk |
Yay, return home and there's another part ready. Lovely timing to be sure :)
Agree that matts story was perhaps too long, but overall I'm just really enjoying the series. |
| #17 micro[164440] |
| cache-mtc-ab06.proxy.aol.com |
| mattz, where are you? gogo part four! |
| #18 Whaleporn[164879] |
| 144.92.96.40 |
| Excellent job. Kinda makes me wanna do a FFXI battle report :P |
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