| #1 Convider[157965] |
| HSE-Toronto-ppp304966.sympatico.ca |
| first non author |
| #2 Convider[157967] |
| HSE-Toronto-ppp304966.sympatico.ca |
| do you have the link to the html file or something? |
| #3 BeRzErKeR[157969] |
| 216.49.74.174 |
| no. |
#4  [157972] |
| usrns10.dialup.hawaii.edu |
| Unleashed. |
| #5 RabidMurloc[157973] |
| ool-4354698b.dyn.optonline.net |
My god, you are one of the best writers I've ever seen, and this is from someone who has read Harry Potter and Eragon. I was actually acting out the scene where the Terrans are retreating back to the dropships with my hands! My hands god dammit! If my mom had come in at that moment shed've thought I was crazy! What are you doing to me? YEEEAAARRRGGHHH!!!!
I have got to stop doing that.... *looks in yellow pages for therapist phone number*
Anyway, it was excellent. I am wondering how the hell the terrans are going to get out of this. It's going to have to do with ATS laser batteries and a whole lotta cruiser ownage, isn't it?
or maybe you're just afraid to tell us. Muahah. |
| #6 dustbiter[157976] |
| bbcache-114.singnet.com.sg |
A little short. I would have chosen to go into more details of the marines getting killed instead of machines getting ripped, or both. It's easier to emphasise with the humans on foot. Then fear, impending doom, gore/fatal wounds, death can be described in more detail. Oh yeah some desperate fighting too.
Lack of good characters hurts this series IMO. I'd put more action to cover that up. |
| #7 BeRzErKeR[157978] |
| 216.49.74.174 |
Stop telling me it's short! That highlighs my laziness! But I take your point, and thank you.
Murloc, the next chapter may or may not contain multiple cusiers with Yamato Gun. You won't know until I post it. |
| #8 BeRzErKeR[157979] |
| 216.49.74.174 |
"cruisers,"
|
| #9 NewbEye[157986] |
| dp-216-106-106-34.storm.ca |
Personally, I'm hoping for SCVs overthrowing their commanders and offering up their CC to zerg queens....
But I'm sure whatever you come up will be fine. |
| #10 [157987] |
| adsl-215-64-171.mia.bellsouth.net |
Your time phrasing is a little vague. At one point you say that it took a week for the terran factories to be rebuilt (in the previous chapter). In this one, you said the cerebrate could afford to wait a few more minutes while the rest of the ultralisks hatched. Then, after a "few minutes", the terrans already have a new CC built at a newly taken expo.
See the problem? |
| #11 dustbiter[157988] |
| bbcache-116.singnet.com.sg |
I think this will happen next!
"The ultralisks rushed at the terran structures in the distance. To their surprise the buildings were firing off propulsion systems and lifting off the ground. By the time the ultralisks had closed, the Terran base was way above them. The monstrous beasts could do naught but stomp around aimlessly making angry howls of frustration." |
| #12 Red6[157989] |
| 65-78-30-165.c3-0.lex-ubr3.sbo-lex.ma.cable.rcn.com |
| actually that's one of the many problems. no offense, but i don't quite see how you can be "one of the best writers" that anyone has seen. your perspectives are all off, the timing as mentioned by number 10 is off, your story is short and overdramatic, pretty much the same mistakes as your previous entry. changing persons from the cerebrate to "I" (who the hell is I) and then to Radcliffe is bad because it foreshadows the whole story making it instantly predictable. i don't think one reader didn't know that the terrans were going to get their asses whooped. not to mention in all practicality, in the last story you mention that derrel's army is like 18 tanks (that can somehow fire one big fire ball that destroys everything) and then they were complimented with 30 marines. you mention 16 ultralisks, now i may not be the starcraft master having not played that game in years, but 16 ultralisks vs 30 marines, 18 tanks, a science vessel, and a load of dropships, and an unspecified number of goliaths- exactly how do the terrans get slaughtered? |
| #13 Red6[157990] |
| 65-78-30-165.c3-0.lex-ubr3.sbo-lex.ma.cable.rcn.com |
| i'm not saying it was terrible, i've seen fanfictions here much worse. but i think your writing may need some work. watch out for overuse of stale adjectives or adjectives that don't make sense. fanatical is a word to describe a mindset. for example "bob is a fanatic" or "jane was acting fanatical (don't even know you can use it in that sentence)". what exactly is a fanatical light? |
#14  [157991] |
| d150-128-17.home.cgocable.net |
| The writing was good, but I agree with everything Red6 says. That said, his comments don't attack your capacity for writing good prose at all - merely the way you used it at times here. It's too easy to bash aspects of story or form and then conclude the author is a bad writer par se, thats not the case here. I will read fully later and rate at that time. |
| #15 BeRzErKeR[157992] |
| 216.49.74.174 |
Red, I just do this for fun. I don't give a crap if Rabid thinks I'm one of the all-time greats. Actually, I personally disagree, and find that a slur on Harry Potter and Eragon, both of which I have read and love.
Now, your points;
Timing; Well . . . the ultras had to finished in time to fight, right? Plus, they'd already been mutating pretty much the whole time the factories had been under construction, so they had plenty of time.
Short, Overdramatic; Not even gonna answer these anymore. No point. Refer back to the 12345 comments before you pointing this out.
Changing Persons; I think we just have to agree to disagree on this one. I peersonally like foreshadowing, and I like to see things from more then one point of view.
Ultras vs. Terrans; Simple. The Terrans were divided. The marines were crushed first,(note no medics) then the mechs. Plus, I'm overplaying the ultralisks power for dramatic effect. Artistic license, ya know. Also, the tanks can't shoot a big fireball that kills everything. But eighteen tank shells falling in a small space on a bunch of hydras/lings cause some pretty serious damage. I did say that a few lings escaped the blast.
A fanatical light is like when you look at someone and you think, "Crap, I'm stuck in a room with a fanatic." It's the expression that makes people look like fanatics. No, the sentence doesn't quite sound right, but cmon, a lot of English doesn't sound right. Lighten up!
|
| #16 asdgasdg[157993] |
| S01060050bf91f8a8.cg.shawcable.net |
| asdgasdg |
| #17 LameJoker[157994] |
| pool-129-44-7-58.alb.east.verizon.net |
| I enjoyed it. |
#18  [158093] |
| 12-210-242-201.client.insightBB.com |
| This was kind of clever. However I personally found the shift from first to third person at the beginning to be annoying and you lose one point for using the word "Undeploy." |
| #19 [158113] |
| adsl-8-99-166.mia.bellsouth.net |
I'm person #10. The ultralisks and the factories can be explained, but what about the Command Center? Let me summarize that passage: The terran force kills the zerg base, and a command center is finished. Then the ultralisks arrive and kill off the terrans. This states that a command center finished in the "few minutes" that the cerebrate waited before sending in the ultras.
What I'm calling vague is that while a factory and ultralisks take ~a week to finish, a command center can be built in minutes. |
| #20 Dice[158134] |
| nj-65-164-22-169.dyn.sprint-hsd.net |
| I agree with BeRzErKeR's last post |
| #21 Dice[158135] |
| nj-65-164-22-169.dyn.sprint-hsd.net |
| about the slur I mean |
| #22 BeRzErKeR[158138] |
| 216.49.74.174 |
Uhhh, #19, either you read wrong, or I wrote wrong. I thought I said the command center was half-finished- and not meaning that literally, just meaning partly finished.
And jeez people, it's just a friggin' story. And my first writing attempt, at that. Lighten up! |
| #23 Dice[158142] |
| nj-65-164-22-169.dyn.sprint-hsd.net |
| yeah cut him some slack its good for a first atempet |
| #24 Dice[158147] |
| nj-65-164-22-169.dyn.sprint-hsd.net |
| er 4th atempet |
| #25 Mr.19[158234] |
| adsl-9-110-23.mia.bellsouth.net |
| My bad. It does seem I read it wrong. |
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