#1  [154853] |
| ip68-230-2-63.ph.ph.cox.net |
| alrighty, 6th one is out. i will be posting chapters now on a bi-weekly basis, so expect the next one two sundays from now! |
| #2 SpuniasauR[154854] |
| CPE-203-45-70-168.nsw.bigpond.net.au |
thats way too long :)
i've been carving notches in my forearm waiting the next installment!
hehe, great as always dude, thx. |
| #3 wakiki[154856] |
| cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com |
Time to read.
Due to comments on the last report, and the fact that I somewhat agree with them, I'm going to be keeping my critique shorter this time. I don't think it's appropriate to proofread in comments :) |
| #4 Hidden[154857] |
| proxy.skynet.be |
| Ive got nothing better to do then say ... 4th >< |
| #5 Asmodues[154860] |
| fltg-dslttc1-30.fltg.net |
When I saw the title, the first thing I thought was "Romance novel"
Think about it. The burly indian chief captures a beautiful white woman in a raid on the town of ^&$#$. She slowly begins to love her raw, animalesque captore, and then they have hawt secks.
It makes strange sense as a romance novel plot.
Prehaps an alternate story with the same name? |
| #6 Desert Demon[154866] |
| user-0ce2kiq.cable.mindspring.com |
| Why would they have hawt secks if she fell in love with herself? Why not just like...have her masturbate? |
| #7 Asmodues[154870] |
| fltg-dslttc1-30.fltg.net |
DD, english is beyond you :/
"She slowly begins to love her raw, animalesque captore, and then they have hawt secks. "
Her raw, animalesque captore is THE INDIAN CHIEF. Dipwad -.-
|
| #8 Desert Demon[154900] |
| user-0ce2kij.cable.mindspring.com |
I not speak english.
Whore :P |
| #9 wakiki[154958] |
| cable-68-113-94-134.mtv.al.charter.com |
Well, as I mentioned to you earlier, a few of the sentences seemed a little awkward. Here's an example:
" Jarius still felt slightly dizzy, and his body tingled empty and malnourished."
The word "tingled" is just wierd, especially when used with "empty." I mean, you usually don't "tingle" into a state of being.
Also, one thing that's been bothering me:
"Jarius calmly yet quietly approached the front door"
Since "calmly" does not contradict or contrast "quietly," the word "yet" should be replaced with "and" or something else of that sort.
Anyways, so far so good, although a little short. :) |
#10  [154960] |
| d141-165-127.home.cgocable.net |
| agree with Wak :] |
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