| #1 maareek[151142] |
| mblt-ac069.gtcom.net |
| Hope you enjoy, <3! |
#2  [151145] |
| nr11-216-196-189-212.fuse.net |
What one earth is this?
As well written as it is, I have no idea WHAT it is. I mean, who are they? What's the situation? Being tossed into the middle of it is so confusing.
I'm going to refrain from rating it, for now, because I have no idea what to rate it as! |
| #3 maareek[151146] |
| mblt-ac069.gtcom.net |
It's part of a book I've been working on, truthfully. I've taken quite a bit of it out of this because it would be much less interesting, but I may have taken too much out. The location and situation I've left amibiguous as, right now, even I don't know just when and where it's occuring. It's intended to be a fictional setting of a commander in the real world in the middle of a war.
I thought it seemed understandable that it was America at war with some foreign power, though my bias as author may overcast my judgement there. I may indeed have ommitted the part explicitly stating that without noticing.
Though I do appreciate you refraining from rating it for that reason. |
| #4 [151147] |
| nr11-216-196-189-212.fuse.net |
Well, it started out as... This colonel. And his idiot general.
And his untrained group of people. Suddenly, large force! There are strongholds around, but not near him. Strange ruins. Guriella fighting.
The end.
??? |
| #5 [151148] |
| nr11-216-196-189-212.fuse.net |
| Oh, and on what basis do you want me to rate it? |
| #6 Some_God[151150] |
| ool-18b8c5a0.dyn.optonline.net |
Rate it so I could read it and point and laugh @ maareek. :)
Its all good, though. |
| #7 maareek[151151] |
| mblt-ac069.gtcom.net |
Feel free not to rate it, or to rate it poorly. If you think it is so confusing but the writing is well-done, that would mean that it would only be worthy of silver, yes? It is fiction, rate it as an installment of a fiction based battle report.
|
| #8 [151152] |
| nr11-216-196-189-212.fuse.net |
Okay. As good as the writing was, it didn't intrigue me all that much because I didn't understand what was going on.
So, don't hold this five against me. I hope to see the rest, and I hope it's more detailed. |
| #9 maareek[151153] |
| mblt-ac069.gtcom.net |
| You call em as you see em. If you didn't understand it then you can't rate it high. By the way, I'll just take that 5 out against you next time I play you on bw :p. |
#10  [151154] |
| wc01.wlfdle.rnc.net.cable.rogers.com |
Yeah I'm going to have to agree with EE on this one.
It starts with the first sentence, really:
"I peer out my window, both guards taking up their posts on opposite sides of the camp."
I mean, it just doesn't make any sense. Introduce the setting first, then you can offhandedly mention guards - and in a way that uses proper grammar. IE:
"It was almost midnight at basecamp. I looked out the window and saw the guards switch position..."
or something similar, I can't think of anything good right now. In any case the story lacked any form of discernable depth or real feeling. Remember, stories are about people first, even drawn out war articles. One company destroying another is only interesting as long as people can feel empathy towards the soldiers, otherwise it's about as interesting as watching a missile blow up another.
To conclude, I was confused, disoriented by the grammar and apathetic towards the whole thing. However, don't take this as a knock on your potential or anything, or your future literary abilities.
I'm leaning between a four and a five . . . but I'll give a 5 for effort.
|
| #11 maareek[151156] |
| mblt-ac069.gtcom.net |
And I gave battlereports.com members too little credit for appreciating story-line. I took about 3 pages of pure character development out of this for here. Seemed like a good idea at the time, won't do it next time. And, the first line here is actually more like paragraph 5 in the un-abridged version.
The most important aspect of rating is to help people get better, thanks for your input EE and Dag. Much <3. |
| #12 OverTheUnder[151162] |
| 12-216-178-164.client.mchsi.com |
| Maar..i have ever read it but i know it promises to be gay and Cheesy^^ <3 |
| #13 OverTheUnder[151163] |
| 12-216-178-164.client.mchsi.com |
"hopefully including image thingies and other staples of my other reports."
Ah...so thats your secret to make your reports fresh and unique:P lol
|
| #14 maareek[151164] |
| mblt-ac069.gtcom.net |
In all truthfullness, and this is a secret, I'm putting out reports that are sub-par and lacking so that when I release my current project that I'm working full-tilt on it will be seen as a revelation. Ok, so we all know that's a lie (at least about purposely doing poor reports).
And, I believe that the secret to being fresh and unique is to do the expected and what you have done before :).
Hmm, so OTU, do you have a game ready for that collaborative report yet? *Hint* *Hint* |
| #15 OverTheUnder[151166] |
| 12-216-178-164.client.mchsi.com |
| ........Of Course....O_O Yea...erm........give me a few days....just to make sure its the right one..........i mean theese things are very delicate and take time....;P |
| #16 maareek[151167] |
| mblt-ac069.gtcom.net |
K, just be sure to have it by monday and we can put it out then :). You can take your pick of either doing all the text, or doing the pics :) personally I'd prefer you did the pics. Don't make me have to find a game for your lazy ass :p.
And as far as this story, assuming the story flows mentally as it has been, I should be able to have another section polished and more felt-through by the end of next week. Less if I don't work on my huge SC report. |
#17  [151168] |
| 67.176.104.160 |
"What the hell just happened?"
We all write embarrassing things like this. You're on your way to becoming a good reporter.
No rating because there was no ending :-| |
| #18 [151169] |
| 67.176.104.160 |
| Oh, and is it just me, or does the Colonel sound like an angsty fifteen year old and the General his indifferent father? |
| #19 maareek[151170] |
| mblt-ac069.gtcom.net |
A part 1 with an ending? Very confusing concept, but then I'm sleepy. And the plot thinkens...:p
Doesn't everybody love a little angst? However cliche it may be. |
| #20 PeaceableGhost[151172] |
| adsl-68-250-43-118.dsl.sfldmi.ameritech.net |
Um. Nice writing. As in, 8-9 level quality.
-1 for it being a story after you said it wasn't one, and generally confusing me with your introduction.
-1 for it sounding like a teenage bunch of guerillas instead of an army.
So 6-7. |
| #21 [151179] |
| wc01.wlfdle.rnc.net.cable.rogers.com |
| you can rate parts of a story - it was done with the Pheonix Legion Chronicles, several of Dref's pieces and a few of my own :O |
| #22 [151184] |
| 67.176.104.160 |
and look at all your rookmarks ;)
Seriously though, look at the last sentence of the report:
"Once Kelly's troops pulled out, Barry's started in from the opposite side."
I guess I'm just looking for a "to be continued" moment! :P |
| #23 [151192] |
| wc01.wlfdle.rnc.net.cable.rogers.com |
It would have been better had it been:
"Once kelly's troops pulled . . . TOO BE CONTINUED" |
| #24 .Praetor[151215] |
| dhcp201.des.ucdavis.edu |
| *engages Jedi mind powers* No one needs to look at inflated rookmarks or padded lifetime averages. They're all JUST FINE. |
| #25 .Praetor[151216] |
| dhcp201.des.ucdavis.edu |
One of the things I noticed was that the colonel's name was never revealed. That's kind of odd given that he provides the point of view. Unless you're doing that on purpose, I'd suggest having Inez or the General use his name to introduce it to the reader. Or maybe that was just in the cut part.
One of the reasons the story 'seems like a bunch of teenage guerillas, not an army' (I think that's a bit harsh) is that the general doesn't respond to the main character's concerns the way one would imagine occuring in our army. That alone is perfectly excusable if the general's character includes being a bad (or overworked) officer. But two other things also don't fit the character of the current-day US Army (at least to my untrained non-military eye). First, the colonel doesn't call on artillery or air power to attack the encroaching enemy or the bunker. The constant availability of reliable artillery is one of the key reasons our Army is so potent in a stand-up fight. Second, if the enemy brass were really considered highly important, a few civilian casualties are not given much weight (at least that's been true for the last 3 years - probably pretty much all the time).
But maybe the air force has already suffered lots of losses in your story, or it's not modern day. Meh.
P.S. No rating, because I don't rate stories :). |
| #26 .Praetor[151218] |
| dhcp201.des.ucdavis.edu |
And now your comment on Shuriken's BR comes back to bite you in the ass. I thought the writing was pretty good; but you used too many commas, frequently to tack on usless bits to your sentences. I don't claim to be perfect at that. For instance, was the semi-colon above proper? Maybe. But some cases are obvious:
'He's given me the control I need to work, which is what should be given to a commanding officer, anyway, I should think.'
The 'I should think' should be cut completely. It's kind of implied, given that this is a running narrative provided by the colonel. That kind of qualifier is basically used just to admit there are viable counterarguments - so don't pillory too much for my belief. Or as indignant irony, but both cases would only be uses if the colonel was talking to someone. The anyway can go as well, and if it was my story I might reword the sentence a bit. But I can't think of a good way now.
Next passage:
'Damnit! I might as well be back home cleaning the gutters for all the good I'm able to do here. Although, I assume HQ gets quite a kick out of driving me crazy, they do it often enough. But, as long as I'm here, I'll try to keep tabs on things.'
First 'damn it' should be two words. The comma after 'But' should go, as should the comma after Although. Those are the only grammar errors that I noticed right away. If I was editing, I might change the passage to look like this:
'Damn it! I might as well be cleaning the gutters back home for all the good I'm able to do here. I assume HQ gets quite a kick out of driving me crazy, or they'd find something useful for me to do. But as long as I'm here, I'll try to keep tabs on things.' |
| #27 maareek[151220] |
| mblt-ac069.gtcom.net |
Thanks .Praetor. Commas and such divisions are my weak point. I know that and try to catch what I can but I tend to read over it. And trust me, this isn't the first or last time that comments of mine come back to bite me in the ass.
As far as the colonel's name, I don't even know it yet. I'm still unsure where I want to put it in.
The General you nailed right on the head. The lack of artillery and air power can be traced to the fact that the majority of the fighting is taking place elsewhere meaning that only units in 'combat heavy' areas have artillery or air power. And, again, you hit the nail on the head about suffering lots of losses though it's no contained to just the air force.
I vastly underplayed the colonel's indignancy at the general's refusal to let him attack the bunker earlier on. This probably left a lot out of the story because it is so out of character for the military that we know.
I figured you wouldn't rate it. But your comment was the one I was looking forward to most :). |
| #28 .Praetor[151231] |
| c-67-172-163-127.client.comcast.net |
| Excellent, my dark Jedi mind powers have succeeded. Muahahaha |
| #29 Dibbler[151421] |
| 194.151.4.99 |
Periods are important. Miss one....wham you have a baby
(not mine). Maareek get your sister on the internet and play bw! Now I might read it. |
| #30 maareek[154154] |
| 150.176.83.30 |
| Is that what happened, dibb? ;) |
| #31 Shadow D'Arc[154668] |
| cpe-69-75-115-58.hawaii.rr.com |
| 500 troops isn't much smaller than a batallion.Figuring 10 people a squad, 4(40) squads to a platoon, 4(160) platoons per company, 4 companies for the battalion, bring the total to 640 people. That's about 2.5 times the size of the batallion I'm in. |
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