| #1 Lithium[150952] |
| 141.153.23.134 |
| 1st! Oh yea. Rate bitches. |
#2  [150953] |
| 128.171.66.98 |
It was an ok report, but I felt a sort of disconnection with what was happening. The interaction between the 2 main characters was rather stiff and formulaic feeling (picture perfect commander meets rough and tumble recruit, hilarity ensues). Fictionalizing part of the report can work for or against you, this instance I felt went against.
There were a few spelling errors and the battle part of the report should've been written in the past tense. The pictures could've been cropped a little more and taken without the SS notification text visible.
The report was just too rushed and jumped forward too much for me to enjoy it a lot. If this had been the first chapter of several mini-stories it wouldn't have been a big problem. As a stand alone report its just too short.
I'll say 5 and not bad for a first report, don't be discouraged. |
| #3 FeroxTheUnclean[150954] |
| Toronto-HSE-ppp3969145.sympatico.ca |
| Thanks for the advice, I put it together on a whim innabout 3 hours... I made some changes to the report since I wrote it, and it is intended to be part of a series, hence the 'part 1' part 2 will have him seeking redemption in the form of reporting a game of more quality... |
| #4 Shuriken[150955] |
| ool-182e1a3b.dyn.optonline.net |
yea not bad for a first try man
pics i thought were pretty nice
but next time, no bgh plz
its cool though
6 |
#5  [150956] |
| wc01.wlfdle.rnc.net.cable.rogers.com |
Not bad for a first report . . . definitely looking forward to more from you.
I found it clear enough as well . . . good approach too.
6. |
| #6 [150957] |
| 128.171.66.110 |
Yeah, I noticed the "Part 1" which is why I mentioned a compilation.
Another thing, in the first sentence its Master Sergeant and then Fleet Commander for the rest of the report. Technically they could be the same, but why would you have an NCO leading the fleet (or a fleet)? |
| #7 FeroxTheUnclean[150959] |
| Toronto-HSE-ppp3969145.sympatico.ca |
well... um ya see his name is actually 'Fleet Commander Jeek', an unfortunate name for a master sergeant... I be kidding, it's a continuity error...
For part 2 I'll try to take a bit longer in the editorial process, and keep the fiction straight...
I may try a straight report or two as well, once I finish organizing the replays I have. I did find writing it kinda fun... |
| #8 PeaceableGhost[150960] |
| adsl-68-251-225-49.dsl.sfldmi.ameritech.net |
Interesting story... 8
-1 for all the spelling/grammatical errors.
-1 for writing a report with a name like Dudley_Baggins in it.
6
who'sgotlag - well, the Terran military seems kinda nutty that way, no? ;) |
| #9 FeroxTheUnclean[150961] |
| Toronto-HSE-ppp3969145.sympatico.ca |
| Fixed up the continuity, now he's a sargeant consistently, and dudley don't start out as a private first class then become a corporal (writing is harder than I thought...) as fer the name... well, I thought it was kinda amusing as a nick on bnet... it be the one I use fer now... |
| #10 [150964] |
| 12-216-178-164.client.mchsi.com |
-2 for it being on BGH
-2 for ficitionlizing (like WGL said..it worked more against u in this one)
-1 because there was no "Surprise" or cool part^^
Thus giving u a 5....but im not a rater so all this was a waste of time:D You sounded like a decent player but that is hard to tell from many reports...especially ones that arent very strategically detailed like this...i would like to see one of you on another map;P (non-money) That is...if u plan on doing another one of yourself....don't be discouraged and keep em comin^^ |
| #11 OverTheUnder[150965] |
| 12-216-178-164.client.mchsi.com |
| ...ahem....that was me o_O |
| #12 Smeagol[150966] |
| proxy1.tpgi.com.au |
Great the gold streak is ended :(
Bleh it was gonna happen... good while it lasted thou hey?? |
| #13 OverTheUnder[150968] |
| 12-216-178-164.client.mchsi.com |
| It already ended 2 reports ago...go flame maareek...he loves it^^ |
#14 
[150969] |
| 129.142.195.30.ip.tele2adsl.dk |
I found the story part of it to run along fairly well, albeit cliche at times - and the "or you will be slain" just felt plain weird and awkward.
But basically you found a way to make a crappy BGH game somewhat interesting, for that, a 6. |
#15  [150970] |
| nr11-216-196-186-129.fuse.net |
A couple of writing errors were pretty prevalent here, and since I am a kindly god-being I will point them out for you.
First off, when a character is thinking (not speaking) there's no need to put it in quotes. For example; I wonder why the sun glows, Major Major Major thought.
This sentence here: "The recruit, by stark comparison, was, when he arrived at two minutes past two, anything but particular." This reads poorly and has too many commas, which a reader will skip over, as well as a grammar error up top. Here's what it should look like: "The recruit was, by stark comparison (when he arrived at two minutes past two) anything but particular." This removes the difficulties at the beginning, and places the "two minutes past two" inside parentheses. Now it's much cleaner.
When ended a sentence with something like "huh" or "eh," it's very good to seperate it from the rest of the sentence with a comma. Just makes for easier reading. A good general rule is to read a sentence out loud exactly as it is written, not as it sounds in your head, to avoid odd-sounding sentences.
You missed a couple other punctuation marks here and there, but no biggie.
For a technical error, about 2/3rds of the way down it looks like you right-aligned an image that was nearly the size of the entire report, causing the text on the left to have about 3 words per line. Don't do that. =]
And just so you don't think I'm just nagging on you, the writing itself was good. But all in all, the 3rd person overview of a battle didn't do anything for me. Plus, the game was terrible. Always a -.
So I'm going to give you a five, and I eagerly await your next report. |
| #16 [150971] |
| wc01.wlfdle.rnc.net.cable.rogers.com |
| Oh, if a character is thinking, just put it in italics and ditch the quotes like EE said :) |
| #17 Decay[150972] |
| 66.44.173.16 |
I guess I kind of liked the whole reviewing-the-battle-from-the-commanders-seat deal, although it could have been much better. Proofreading is your friend. Also, it isn't really necessary in most pics to have the entire thing there. Just crop the action and ditch the rest. Some borders would be eye pleasing, too, but that can be rough if you don't have a decent photo editor. All in all, a good report that could have used some polishing up to make it that much better.
~Decay |
| #18 maareek[151008] |
| mblt-ac066.gtcom.net |
"go flame maareek...he loves it^^"
Sure do, I'll take comments any way I can get them.
About this, I dug what I've read but it wasn't particularly amazing. I'll give it a...6 keep working. I'll comment more once I finish it (I'm not just a comment whore for my own reports). |
| #19 TwistedNecro[151047] |
| lsanca1-ar54-4-3-202-139.lsanca1.dsl-verizon.net |
... Not that great of a report, you went into good detail with the build orders, but not much with the other stuff. We want the JUICY DETAILS, but make sure ya don't drown us, either.
Hmm... I'll say a 6.5. |
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