| #1 WarLeaderJustin[134072] |
| adsl-64-171-78-155.dsl.lsan03.pacbell.net |
| The first battle report of 2003. And it's not even a battle report. :) |
| #2 Dialtone[134073] |
| vdp194.ath09.cas.hol.gr |
| hi wlj |
| #3 WarLeaderJustin[134074] |
| adsl-64-171-78-155.dsl.lsan03.pacbell.net |
| Hi dialtone. |
| #4 Jaood[134075] |
| ip68-100-60-144.nv.nv.cox.net |
| war leader pjustin |
| #5 scn[134076] |
| c-24-118-250-248.mn.client2.attbi.com |
| me and wlj both have 3 letter nicknames lol |
| #6 livingexception[134077] |
| AC95C83C.ipt.aol.com |
Jeezus. Between you and Praetor and FLS I smell some kind of reunion coming on.
le |
| #7 badme[134083] |
| pcp01773918pcs.norstn01.pa.comcast.net |
| 7th. Now to read. |
| #8 Mark4[134087] |
|
| Nice. First FF I bothered to read in a long time. |
| #9 LameJoker[134091] |
| ip-209-23-2-185.modem.logical.net |
hmmmmmm
What is the point? You have a nice style, but such a typical story, AverageGuy wants so bad to go out with PerfectGirl, but she is already taken by MegaStud. I've seen it almost as many times as warnings against smoking pot. |
| #10 LameJoker[134092] |
| ip-209-23-2-185.modem.logical.net |
| Oh ya, what was the point with the Watch? I didn't get that part. |
| #11 Alacrity[134094] |
| cache-dg07.proxy.aol.com |
| Hey justin , that was pretty good ;) I could write a decent Hs FF i think but too busy lately:o maybe this summer. Anyways that was good. Hope that wasnt true? If so sux. |
| #12 LameJoker[134097] |
| ip-209-23-2-185.modem.logical.net |
| Explain what the Watch was supposed to mean and I might like it more. |
| #13 WarLeaderJustin[134098] |
| adsl-64-171-77-106.dsl.lsan03.pacbell.net |
The watch just means that if Justin had remembered to bring the watch, he would have known that it was way past eight, and he could've gone home. Instead, since he had no idea what time it was, and he was so hopeful that this was to be *the* night, he waited until the dance was over, and finally saw Christy return late at night.
I thought I made it clear, but oh well :-P |
| #14 LameJoker[134101] |
| ip-209-23-0-232.modem.logical.net |
O
I
C |
| #15 ZerG~LinG[134112] |
| p451-76.ppp.get2net.dk |
Kek
Nothing special but nice nonetheless :D |
| #16 endersshadow[134116] |
| AC92A436.ipt.aol.com |
| not exactly original but a good read. |
| #17 WarLeaderJustin[134124] |
| adsl-64-171-85-126.dsl.lsan03.pacbell.net |
Hello all.
I've noticed a lot of comments about how familiar this type of storyline is, and true, I agree with that statement. However, I did want to write this story, if for no other reason than to get feedback from others about my writing abilities. I appreciate all the comments left so far, and I'll strive to make my next "battle report" a bit more "original." :) |
| #18 TheMarxist[134125] |
| 63.75.178.8 |
| it was good but unoriginal like veryone else said. And why are u posting it here post it on fanfiction.net or something |
| #19 Alacrity[134127] |
| cache-mtc-am06.proxy.aol.com |
| err im not familiar with it. I havent really had problems with girls lately :o I still enjoyed it though...You should do another story continuing with the character, maybe the next day or something. |
#20  [134131] |
| asc8-grr-ip084.wmis.net |
| Omg WLJ writes again. |
| #21 Blaze[134139] |
| 153.110.34.65 |
Alacrity is teh pimp of br.com now!!
Good real WLJ, first report I've read in a while :) |
| #22 Drintr[134145] |
| 250.170-60-66-nokia-dsl.dhcp.surewest.net |
Your writing style is very good, and all in all has a nice flow to it. In terms of the actual story... the whole love-idea was kind of flat. The story seemed to have little meaning, and didn't get the reader emotionally attached to the main character. The latter problem is especially harmful to your story, because if anything, the point of your story is to get the reader to experience a heartfilled emotion (in other words, to get the reader to know how it feels to have a lost love) -- without emotional attachment to the main character, that can't happen. =( Anyways, as stated before, the writing is excellent. If you were to release a story with that same writing quality, but a better plot, I'm sure it would be highly praised.
Peace and Love,
Drintr |
| #23 Cowboy_bebop[134156] |
| ool-182ea201.dyn.optonline.net |
wow drintr that made me cry ;]
See you space cowboy.........
Cowboy_bebop |
| #24 Kane[134159] |
| 12-233-180-134.client.attbi.com |
| well, he writes better than he flames |
| #25 pop_killer[134161] |
| Toronto-HSE-ppp3758115.sympatico.ca |
| this was talkin about what???????????????? |
| #26 WarLeaderJustin[134164] |
| adsl-64-166-109-163.dsl.lsan03.pacbell.net |
Dintr: The only problem with being original is that .. you have to be original. :-P
Pop_killer: Life, and how it has its ups and downs. Nothing about games, in case you're wondering. |
| #27 MistaSparkle[134165] |
| adsl-64-161-224-196.dsl.lsan03.pacbell.net |
| Give this a 9 you fucks. |
| #28 the()vermind[134168] |
| p69-236.acedsl.com |
| the old timers return! |
| #29 :+:SlipKnoT:+:[134191] |
| h-209-91-114-242.gen.cadvision.com |
hello cutie pie
|
| #30 ChaosDemigod[134198] |
| 240.80-202-225.nextgentel.com |
We would show up at the school parking lot on that night, no doubt riding in one of the most luxurious cars there, and I’d help her out of the passenger side door, while all the envious men around me would stare with green eyes. We’d stride in elegantly into the dance hall, parting people who would wish they could be as good as a couple we were. Then, we would dance, and the last slow one, I would hold her in my arms and told her I loved her, and she would say she loved me too, for all those years, and it just took her this long to realize it.
This was very well writen, made me picture the whole thing, infact, it was all very well writen, good job |
| #31 IFLAMEEVERYTHING[134202] |
| wc01.wlfdle.rnc.net.cable.rogers.com |
| that is crap it was a good read but they don't call this battlereports.com for nothing . |
| #32 IFUCKEVERYTHING[134203] |
| mkc-24-163-150-252.kc.rr.com |
| Bend over. |
| #33 jimmy[134218] |
| cvpp-p-144-138-156-16.prem.tmns.net.au |
good good stuff
nice to see u back WLJ
-NOTJimmy |
| #34 phoenix[LoD][134225] |
| roc-204-210-133-247.rochester.rr.com |
This website has changed a great deal over the years, hasn't it?
An impossible-romance story? The surprises never end. I am in no way qualified to judge anything about this work of fiction, except perhaps its grammar (which was fine, if you're interested), so I suppose that little nostalgic glimpse of the passage of time here comprises the bulk of my comment.
I'm just glad that this place is still kickin', even if it's a little different.
-phoenix[LoD] |
| #35 Snufalufaguis[134283] |
| 24-205-57-196.gln-eres.charterpipeline.net |
yeha i seconded Sparkle motha fuckas! btw me wlj and sparkle all go to the same school....ill c ya 2moro just. Good story. I guess ya gotta know the girls. yeha christy's a combo of a lot of em.
gl hf
-Dan |
| #36 WarCraft 6[134307] |
| cache-dg07.proxy.aol.com |
| Let's see it Justin gogo. |
| #37 WarLeaderJustin[134323] |
| adsl-67-113-212-106.dsl.lsan03.pacbell.net |
| WarCraft 6? Fraid not. I have something else in the works, though. |
| #38 jimmy[134395] |
| cvpp-p-144-138-156-42.prem.tmns.net.au |
hehe
-NJ |
| #39 Phobos_ColZ[134566] |
| pcp01273073pcs.mobilh01.al.comcast.net |
Hahaha gotta love the teenage years. Not bad, although the writing style seems highly derivative (what isn't these days). Two issues and I hope someone hasn't mentioned them before because I didn't read the comments:
#1. "“Pick her up at eight, but our father can’t know about it. He doesn’t like her going out with boys, ya see. Just wait under her window; it’s the first one on the side of the house. I’ll make sure she calls down to you when she’s ready.”"
The word "our" implies that the father is shared by the speaker and the person being spoken to. However, this isn't the case. Maybe acceptable because of the informality of speech but just be aware of it.
#2. "young Christy" I don't know if I would refer to someone your own age as young.
Other than that, not bad. |
| #40 hello[141155] |
| 24-205-56-238.gln-eres.charterpipeline.net |
| hi |
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