| #1 Keanu_Reaver[122649] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-6.sea.eschelon.com |
| as usual, mucho mucho thanks to heidi for proof reading for me :) everyone enjoy its a rather large installment...for me atleast :P |
| #2 :+:SlipKnoT:+:[122651] |
| atiy44hsy452e.ab.hsia.telus.net |
| 1st Non author |
| #3 Zeals~o~Valor[122652] |
| h24-86-186-55.ed.shawcable.net |
| 2nd non author |
| #4 User14[122654] |
| spider-ntc-tc043.proxy.aol.com |
| 3rd non author my highest ever |
| #5 Ghar[122670] |
| modem139.tc-1pool.directinter.net |
WTF is with the idiots going.. 1st.. 2nd.. 3rd.. You look fucking retarded.
One major thing wrong. They shoot a lady trying to stop them from bullying the homeless man, but they just push around the homeless man? Something just doesn't quite fit there.
However, other than that, pretty schnazzy :D |
| #6 Keanu_Reaver[122671] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-6.sea.eschelon.com |
| all will be explained in due time, keep in mind heidi really doesnt know why they are chasing her either |
| #7 Black_Abyss[122676] |
| 02-200.057.popsite.net |
| Mmm lovely, make next one gogo |
| #8 Black_Abyss[122677] |
| 02-200.057.popsite.net |
| btw 7th and 8th :o |
| #9 mattzarella[122687] |
| cache-mtc-ab09.proxy.aol.com |
| that's the hardest i've laughed in a long time. |
| #10 Oddity[122688] |
| h24-66-246-99.ss.shawcable.net |
i think the first part of heidi's speech is a little too coherent, it looks more like a written out, practiced speech than someone bawling out their emotions
otherwise very good tho, im actually reading all of these and i NEVER read fanfics |
#11  [122690] |
| St-Catherines-ppp112504.sympatico.ca |
I agree with Oddity, also some of the grammar could really have been improved upon . . . ie:
"Heidi and me leaped out of the bed of the truck "
*Heidi and I, plus it's leapt, plus you used 'of' twice in very short proximity, something you must try to avoid ;).
I think the plot was exciting though, so I'd give it an 8 if it wasn't for the new fanfic policy ;)
lolz @ Deon, oh and how's Heidi anyway? |
| #12 SiG.[122691] |
| ACA3EC83.ipt.aol.com |
Yay Keanu ;D
Hrm. again, being that i have a limited vocab.. i cant really put this into words.. but using a story to compliment/show your love for heidi is brilliant ;D |
| #13 :+:SlipKnoT:+:[122695] |
| atiy44hsy452e.ab.hsia.telus.net |
| #5 your a fucking moron, its always been done here i think of it like a tradition of BR.com. |
| #14 Reaken Fretard[122696] |
| 75-pool9.ras11.vahen.tii-dial.net |
| very nice, but is kenny a guy from sc or br.com or just some guys name? |
| #15 Epoch[122701] |
| ool-182f0edb.dyn.optonline.net |
11:
Fanfic policy? That sounds ominous O.O
That Deon thing was pretty funny ^^
You had a few glaring grammatical errors, but the story made up for it.
And Heidi's speech was too unnatural. She's talking like she's planned and recited it hundreds of times before; it's nothing like she usually speaks.
Definite 7-8.
|
| #16 User14[122707] |
| spider-ntc-tc012.proxy.aol.com |
"WTF is with the idiots going.. 1st.. 2nd.. 3rd.. You look fucking retarded"
5: ur retarded go away thx bye gg no re gl hf gosu chobo -_-^^;;;;;;;;;; |
| #17 Sexy^Orangutang[122708] |
| 12-234-99-99.client.attbi.com |
| although some of the dialogue is pretty cheesey, and the grammar could be better, the plot is interesting enough. But how the hell does she know kenney?? and if she knew him, why didnt she just go to him in the first place? and also the reason for heidi being chased after is just sort of...bland, i guess. Those are my only beefs :/ |
| #18 Keanu_Reaver[122711] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-176.sea.eschelon.com |
| #14, kenny is....an inside joke ;) |
| #19 Keanu_Reaver[122713] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-178.sea.eschelon.com |
oh, and that will be explained later orangutang, probably in the next 3 parts or around there
as for heidis "speech", i put alot of breaks in it and pauses, trying to make it sound as human as possible...guess i didnt do that good of a job, sorry :( |
| #20 stardust8297[122719] |
| adsl-67-117-144-26.dsl.snfc21.pacbell.net |
ok one of these days i promise i'll manage not to be at the bottom of the list =/ until then... i guess that's just my place =P
hehe nice addition to the story as usual =D and extremely intriguing i might add =P lol you always hafta throw in little tidbits that'll be "explained later on"--psh--gotta be so sneaky about everything, hmm? =P hehe very nice plot though, you make it quite the challenge to wait for the next part of the story =)
hey #12, i happen to wholeheartedly agree, and it makes reading his stories that much more enjoyable for me =)
and about my speech, have any of *YOU* ever seen me ramble when i'm upset..? NO! i didnt think so =P
gj on this part of the story, keep it comin, cant wait for the next part =) |
| #21 ThePalisade[122729] |
| s41.dial1.pro.nac.net |
sex
too bad i'm not a rater |
| #22 Ghar[122740] |
| modem64.tc-1pool.directinter.net |
Drrr.. hey guess what forumers? I just dug out a new tradition.. on each New Years day you get to commit ritual suicide so an automated clone will take your place.
HEY! STFU NEWBIE IT'S TRADITION! DIE! |
| #23 UltimateFire[122745] |
| spider-ntc-tc051.proxy.aol.com |
Haha... bashing on Kenny, its so low, and yet so entertaining
Wait, this is the only Kenny I know of, right? (me being ebon and all)
That being said, you should probably direct Itch to this story, I'd love to see what she has to say. Actually, I haven't seen Itch in forever, where does she hang out on b.net these days?
Anyway, I'll message you next time im on, it's been too long. |
| #24 Keanu_Reaver[122746] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-208.sea.eschelon.com |
| :D nice to see you again ebon, was on west a little bit ago, maybe see you later :P |
| #25 NFT[122768] |
| agent.lisco.com |
Nice take on me :) Nowhere near the truth, of course, but still amusing nonetheless. Did you get the spikey hair from dag or did you think of me with it too?
Very amusing. |
| #26 badme[122782] |
| pcp01773918pcs.norstn01.pa.comcast.net |
Very kick-ass Keanu.
|
| #27 Keanu_Reaver[122795] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-26.sea.eschelon.com |
| well korn is like your favorite band, so i figured spikey hair would be pretty accurate :P |
| #28 corpus[122812] |
| 12-216-217-0.client.mchsi.com |
| -woot- #28 |
| #29 stardust8297[122816] |
| adsl-67-117-144-26.dsl.snfc21.pacbell.net |
dont go stealin my woot
i think i owe you a kick in the head |
| #30 alphaq[122859] |
| ACAA7372.ipt.aol.com |
| gj keanu, keep em coming =D |
| #31 CaughtNaked[122933] |
| proxy.ia2.marketscore.com |
| i wont read till im in one! |
| #32 mattzarella[122953] |
| cache-da02.proxy.aol.com |
| the description of deon in the story is ENTIRELY WHAT HE IS. dont listen to his lies! |
| #33 vincible[123251] |
| 1Cust106.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
| Yuck, doesn't taking the bag of money from someone who just got beat up make Heidi a thief? And a pretty low kind of thief, too. Doesn't anyone else see things this way? She had the opportunity to give the bag to the police. Hell, why didn't she go to the police for protection? The story has so many holes in it. I'm surprised Mehdi and Dag and all the rest don't question her more closely. |
| #34 asdf[123301] |
| dial-78-9.ots.utexas.edu |
| boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!why the hell didn't y ou finish your first fan fic? |
| #35 Keanu_Reaver[123304] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-16.sea.eschelon.com |
#1. mehdi and dag have no affiliation with the police, hence "private investigator/bounty hunter"
#2. yeah...i guess going to the police after half the neighborhood witnessed you kicking the tar out of a bum would be the smartest thing to do
#3. she said she thought that the money belonged to the bullies...would you have any moral qualms with taking money that belonged to the people who shot your sister? |
| #36 vincible[123329] |
| 1Cust160.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
#1. Yes I know Dag and Mehdi have no affiliation with the police, what is your point?
#2. Yeah, if your dead sister is right next to you I think most people will give you a break. Besides, the police will know it's her anyway, since her fingerprints are everywhere at the scene. Private investigators ought to know these things.
#3 you wrote "I knew it was what the bullies were after." Therefore, it does not belong to the bullies: they were trying to steal it. |
| #37 vincible[123330] |
| 1Cust160.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
Then
a) If the bullies were after the bag, why didn't they take it? They had over an hour to do it, and the man was unconscious. And the bag was "in his pocket," which is the first place you should look.
b) Why did Heidi take it? It doesn't belong to the bullies, it belongs to the guy who was being bullied, as far as she knew.
c) Why doesn't she go to the police for protection, instead of some not-too-qualified private investigator? Maybe there's a deeper motive, but Mehdi and the others should be screaming for an answer.
And I just noticed d: |
| #38 vincible[123331] |
| 1Cust160.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
d) "I must have sat there for well over an hour." Then she gets up and beats up the unconscious guy for a while, finds the money, etc. And only THEN does an ambulance arrive? And I guess the police take even longer. When you proof-read you need to check for this sort of thing as well as the grammar mistakes.
|
| #39 Keanu_Reaver[123336] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-103.sea.eschelon.com |
a) the bullies obviously left, if you see someone really close to you get shot in the head i think the last thing you would be paying attention to is people around you...i kinda had hoped for a bit of common sense from my reader that they would realize "well...if someone gets shot, the murderers would probably want to get away from the scene!"
b) once again, i hoped my readers would show some common sense and maybe think "hey...a bum couldnt actually own 100 thousand dollars!" and would realize that the bum couldnt possibly own that money legitly...or maybe he did? common sense would tell a person that the money couldnt belong to the bum, but i havent said either way yet so you dont know |
| #40 Keanu_Reaver[123338] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-103.sea.eschelon.com |
c) "yeah...i guess going to the police after half the neighborhood witnessed you kicking the tar out of a bum would be the smartest thing to do" yawn, she already said before that she went to the "not-too-qualified" pi's because she thought it would be the last place the bullies would look
d) once again use some common sense and please keep in mind that this is all being said from heidis point of view...if your sister got shot your time frame could be messed up as well...1 hour could seem like 10 minutes, or perhaps since the bullies were beating a man out in the open, not too many people were around and thus took them longer to phone an ambulance...or perhaps since the bullies were so brash as to beat a man in the open that whoever they're affiliated with is feared by the people...once again causing the people to delay in calling an ambulance...i think you get the point, i havent given a reason because it was heidis dialogue |
| #41 Keanu_Reaver[123341] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-103.sea.eschelon.com |
e) arguing with the author about the authors plot is just retarded, whats worse is you havent even gained the concept of "this is heidis dialogue" she isnt going to say every detail of the plot and all the reasoning in her dialogue
f) you obviously have no form of common sense or ability to think what-so-ever, with this now known, would you rather me read you a dr. seuss book instead? might be more up your alley
g) dont read my story if you dont want to have to think about it, i always write very detailed and complex plots and yes...sometimes i will hit a very small hole in the plot, but most the time i leave it open so people can come up with their own conclusions as to why something happened the way it did |
| #42 vincible[123348] |
| 1Cust200.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
a) Your a) does not answer my a) in any way.
If the people are willing to go through all this trouble to get what's in the bag, you'd think they'd AT LEAST check the bum's pockets before running off.
b) Your objection is again irrelevant. The point is the MONEY IS NOT HERS. Taking it makes her a thief. By definition.
c) Okay, you're right, that was my fault. It's consistent. Kind of lame, not in character for the sort of person Heidi is making herself out to be, but consistent.
d) I read Heidi's dialogue. Anyone should say, "It SEEMED like an hour." |
| #43 vincible[123354] |
| 1Cust200.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
e) Of course it's Heidi's story. I am not objecting that her story is inconsistent with facts. My objection is that Mehdi and Dag and all the others aren't questioning this at all, when they should be. This is the key point. I don't know everything, obviously. My objection is that Mehdi's reaction, along with Dag's and everyone else's, is inconsistent with what they know and who Mehdi, at least, has been made out to be.
f) Let's not get in a pissing contest over literary sophistication or intelligence. |
| #44 vincible[123355] |
| 1Cust200.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
| Okay, in e) above, it is not necessarily inconsistent with what Dag, Mattz, etc know. Pardon me for saying that. But Mehdi, yes. Why didn't anyone ask to see the bag? That would have been my first question, in that situation. Is the explanation that he's too moonstruck? |
| #45 vincible[123356] |
| 1Cust200.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
As for g), we'll see. This all depends on how it turns out.
Honest question. Do you actually have an ending planned, with all the answers laid out? Or are you just making this up as you go along? I'm not trying to be insulting here (or with anything else), I'm just curious. |
| #46 Keanu_Reaver[123380] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-167.sea.eschelon.com |
as for a), keep in mind this is from heidis point of view...in my mind i imagined it as the bullies asking the bum for the money, the bum saying no, and the bullies just thrashing him there on the spot...not bothering to check because they figured they had all the time to check in the world, but again its from heidis point of view so she has no clue why
as for b), if you want to make her out to be a thief then alright, dont really think it matters either way...isnt exactly an action of a hardened criminal or a lowly thief
d). if you wanna argue over a single word well i chose the words thinking it add more effect to the whole scene...but yeah, "seemed" might have been more sensible |
| #47 Keanu_Reaver[123382] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-167.sea.eschelon.com |
e). that was the effect im going for...too lovestruck to bother fully questioning her, it kinda ties in with how me and heidis relationship first started out anyway
f). i've been in a bad mood all day, stomach flu halp
and yes, i do have an ending laid out...when i write stories, generally ill figure out the plot and ending out before actually writing it |
| #48 vincible[123398] |
| 1Cust77.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
Ya, I've been studying all day for qualifying exams, and that makes me grumpy too...
Okay. Here I've fallen prey to the same sort of sin I once criticized Mattz for, that is, critiquing in a disorganized, unclear fashion, and mixing in sarcasm in places where it is unlikely to be recognized as such.
The point of view thing first. If you go back to my original comment, I said that, basically, the story has holes in it and Mehdi and Dag ought to question her more closely. I meant *Heidi's* story, not the story as a whole, but my comment was badly ambiguous. Clearly you interpreted it the second way, and this led to many misunderstandings. Reread 33-37 in that light and I think you'll be less offended. |
| #49 vincible[123401] |
| 1Cust77.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
As for the ambulance thing (the infamous "d"), I was sarcastically pointing out that you should have used different wording. I did realize what you meant to say, I was just pointing out that regardless of your intentions, you did not say it. Sarcasm does not come across in type, and besides, it's rude. I need to remember this.
I will stand by the "thief" thing though. The right thing to do is to return the money to the police. If the bag really is just money. |
| #50 vincible[123403] |
| 1Cust77.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
| And by the way, I'm sorry this escalated into such an ordeal. I hope you get better soon. The flu is pretty miserable. |
| #51 Gundam.X[123733] |
| 65-165-164-36.du.volcano.net |
| nice writing keanu.. i mostly posted this comment to tell mattz, keanu, dag, dist, and everyone i know on bw im still alive but my regular computer took a shit ^^ i will be back on bw pretty soon ....hopefully because laptops really blow :| |
Home
Forum
Starcraft Tournaments
