| #1 john[108666] |
| adsl-63-206-88-13.dsl.snfc21.pacbell.net |
| 1st |
| #2 Keanu_Reaver[108667] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-105.sea.eschelon.com |
alright this is my first br...i dont expect to get a very good rating since there isnt much action (and me being html illiterate doesnt help either) but i do plan on continuing the story unless ppl start begging me to stop =[
anyway i welcome all advice, criticism, critiquing, whatever...just no baseless flames plz, if it sucks let me know why it sucks so i can improve, thx and thx |
| #3 Thunder.[108670] |
| host-216-77-217-184.fll.bellsouth.net |
OMg Keanu, gj man, I really enjoyed this one! Plz continue the story man, I'm dying from suspense.
You had like.. 4-5 gramatical errors, but nothing annoying enough to really catch my attention.
The story plot was interesting, and I would really like to see the sequel(s)
-- GJ 6-7 |
| #4 TIME is not on YOUR SIDE[108671] |
| h000a277d260a.ne.mediaone.net |
| be like me and continue to continue your long and downright horribly written story THROUGHOUT THE AGES! |
| #5 [108674] |
| dsl092-169-187.wdc1.dsl.speakeasy.net |
| except timeisnotonurside yours was probably like 2 times worse than this guy's. actually, yours was ok. never mind :) |
| #6 TIME is not on YOUR SIDE[108675] |
| h000a277d260a.ne.mediaone.net |
| ^^ |
| #7 lol[108678] |
| inet-netcache1-o.oracle.com |
write da sequel , have them meet the zerg , have the reaver SLAUGHTER lings , or make that girl kill an ultralisk cooly and deserve a high ranking like killing an ultralisk dark swarmed ie
"suddelny the sky became putrid brown .....ect we saw devourers in their midst , we new it was only the dark swarm !!!!!"
do it youll get 10s |
| #8 kidonfire[108680] |
| 202.188.200.116 |
| hmm... anyway i liked the beginning, though the dialogue was a tad shabby |
| #9 Keanu_Reaver[108681] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-105.sea.eschelon.com |
| thx for the vote of confidence guys, i have some big plans for the story and ill think about having her kill an ultralisk, who knows it might work out ;) |
| #10 hmm[108684] |
| px2cv.gv.shawcable.net |
Well done
No real problems except as somebody already said, the dialogue could use a bit of work |
| #11 stonecoldnewbie[108686] |
| 24.245.64.22 |
| hey man that movie speed was cool make some more but w/more buses ok thx |
| #12 CaughtNaked[108687] |
| pcp831326pcs.nrockv01.md.comcast.net |
| i gave it a chance because ur PRs friend but i didnt like much. good effort though and dunt let my opinion get ya down |
| #13 Keanu_Reaver[108691] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-105.sea.eschelon.com |
| completly understandable CaughtNaked, i know this story had excessive amounts of dialogue and was pretty damned boring so i expected more negative reactions then anything else, my next segment in the story wont have near as much dialogue though, and probably quite a bit more action, might even make a gold report too :) |
| #14 [SM]Strega~F[108695] |
| 1Cust239.tnt9.adl1.da.uu.net |
"...dessert planet."
Interesting - a planet comprised entirely of jellies, cakes and ice cream.
Naked chick is thx.
Strega |
| #15 Keanu_Reaver[108696] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-227.sea.eschelon.com |
| rofl...oops :P |
| #16 Furious[108697] |
| bal-ts1-2500.tpgi.com.au |
| Good. Dont be tempted into putting too much action in, your story will fall to peices if their is too much fighting! |
| #17 Chobo~Penguine[108707] |
| FLPP-p-144-134-131-40.prem.tmns.net.au |
| god dam there r lotsa fan fics at the moment. not a bad thing i spose. good job - write more |
| #18 TIME is not on YOUR SIDE[108713] |
| h000a277d260a.ne.mediaone.net |
| now wait a minute, if I wasnt around and you were glad to read something BUT mine this wouldnt get a good grade! You are all just happy to read something othr than my masterpieces...but you dont know it. |
| #19 Mjotnar[108714] |
| 151.188.18.156 |
| It's a psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop of an experience. |
| #20 tanks[108716] |
| 144.13.231.243 |
| haha keanu reaver, name alone gets an eight+ |
| #21 Twip[108717] |
| 156.63.129.15 |
Short, as you know, but I like what's there. From the dialogue I can kinda tell what kind of person she is. Don't contradict her proud, individual character.
One thing irked me - how a wise, 800-year-old, advanced Protoss is basically blushing at a naked girl. I'd think the Protoss would be more mature than to consider that indecent. lol |
| #22 tercal[108725] |
| spider-mtc-tl073.proxy.aol.com |
| This makes up for those four timesnot reports...keep it up, it looks pretty good so far. |
| #23 Keanu_Reaver[108733] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-227.sea.eschelon.com |
hmm...yeah maybe twip, but the way i consider it, is that Xaniir considers Kelvena an equal and his best friend, so he would react in the same manner if an 800 year old battle scarred high templar woman was to stand naked in front of him, and that woman was his best friend
and time, my report hasnt been rated yet so relax :P |
| #24 Dragonsven[108742] |
| 170.158.87.162 |
Either Forever_Knight and Drefsab inspired this sudden increase in fan fiction or it is just a complete coincidence. Coincidence? I think not!
-Sven |
| #25 |||l||||ll|||||[108795] |
| cdm-66-5-109-tylr.cox-internet.com |
| CRAP BLAH VOMIT VBLARG *thump* |
| #26 |]agomar[108802] |
| Ottawa-ppp3517257.sympatico.ca |
A good writer. Imagine that.
I really enjoyed this, your imagery was good. I agree with Thunder's comment . . . I'd say 6-7 . . . but I think I'll rate it a little up to 7 for the naked girl ;). |
| #27 Go-Ahead-and-Flame-me[108883] |
| 1Cust137.tnt3.minneapolis3.mn.da.uu.net |
The story was well written for the most part, but one thing i saw, bugged me and wouldn't let go.
Before i say anything else i know i will be getting flamed for this, but i feel it needs to be said.
"Xaniir! Christ you scared me!"
Why? Why would a half protoss/half terran creature know anything about a person that lived on earth 2000 years ago. I am not ashamed that i am a Christian and that is the main cause for my problem with such a statement.. but i mean. Did the word "Christ" add that much? Was it really neccessary.
I mean try something new.. as we have our own words and phrases i am sure another culture years in the future and countless miles away would too.
You can forget this post and add that and countless other terms in youre next report. It is just for an avid lurker on this site, i dont see the neccessity for it all.
Flame away! or just give a reasonable explanation for its fantasaical neccessity. |
| #28 Keanu_Reaver[108887] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-227.sea.eschelon.com |
hmm...well taking away all forms of theology, christ means "the annointed one" and protoss culture certainly does have many annointed people or people with similar stature
but you are right, that was more of a lapse in concentration then anything, i put that in there without thinking and didnt notice when i proof read, thanks for noticing |
| #29 Star134[108919] |
| spider-mtc-ta043.proxy.aol.com |
| Nice, we need some more like this now that the forum has gone to hell. :) |
| #30 HomunculusBob[109272] |
| spider-mtc-tk032.proxy.aol.com |
how da fuck do you get a protoss/terran hybrid.....how do you kno protoss sexually reproduce? ...
and if they do tahts like...madd nasty bro...they don't even vocally communicate anyway...its all telepathy and shiet
.....anyhow despite taht unnerving fact it was pretty cool...altho i got an upbeat, young sorta feeling from ur story ....i dunno i prefer a more sophisticated and darker feeling but its ur call...it works pretty well....
|
| #31 Keanu_Reaver[109287] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-227.sea.eschelon.com |
it'll get much more sohpisticated and more suspensful, promise ;]
the next part should be out this wednesday since i have school off |
| #32 me[120754] |
| adsl-66-127-53-211.dsl.snfc21.pacbell.net |
"where's my hair??"
(this was said in search of my brush, which happened to be in my hand...) |
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