| #1 Patton1944[107461] |
| spider-mtc-td071.proxy.aol.com |
| Delete two before this, plz. Submit button owns me -.- |
| #2 retardedboy[107462] |
| px2cv.gv.shawcable.net |
| you should try get rid of the white bar |
| #3 [107465] |
| spider-tf033.proxy.aol.com |
wanna know what I hate in war stories
a bunch of technical spec shit that will confuse about 50% of the readers, and the other 50% has read about 320 fucking times, so there's no real point in putting it in
romanticizing the fighting with a build-up of "rage," so that a guy crashes his plane into one man. this changes the war story into a fairy tale.
influences from hollywood movies (SPR line, assaulting a beach and getting torn to shreds etc. etc.)
relying solely on technical specs to depict combat, rather than historical statistics, essays, notes over doctrine of combat, etc.
you have good technical details, but technical details do not tell a good story or make for good writing. neither does comic book action to make a battle seem "cool"
|
| #4 jjang.Lei[107466] |
| spider-tf033.proxy.aol.com |
| there is nothing "wrong" with your story. there is also nothing "right" with it. you're following the same mold that a bunch of 12 year olds do when they write war fiction stories - make it violent, a lot of technical specs to seem professional, really far-out shit like having an A-10 crash into 1 guy to add a "cool" element to the story. |
| #5 jjang.Lei[107467] |
| spider-tf033.proxy.aol.com |
| what will make your story better than any other war story. what makes it different from the others. detail is good, but details do not make the story. the idea and theme make the story. what are you trying to do with this story besides rip off SPR, Band of Brothers, etc. all that Hollywood bull shit. when you write about a war story there is nothing wrong with making a completely shitty story just depicting multiple gory battles with heroes and heroic acts and suicide bombers, but you've basically wasted your time in writing material that has no impact on the reader, besides a "hey nice detail." |
| #6 jjang.Lei[107469] |
| spider-tf033.proxy.aol.com |
shrugging this off with a "oh well my writing sucks anyway" or "hey stfu" is ok, but you're basically mocking the veterans of war in painting the world they lived in with a kid's water colors.
i'm not telling you how you should write, or what could make this story better. everytime i read a war story like this, i know that no thought was put into the idea of war - it was all about how violent it could get, how similar to SPR it could get in terms of "realism," stuff that does not matter. what matters is what you tell about war, not the "cool" factor bull shit about a battle where all units come away with 90% casualties. |
| #7 jjang.Lei[107470] |
| spider-tf033.proxy.aol.com |
| perhaps i'm over-reacting. truthfully i don't care what you do with this story next. just my 2 cents. |
| #8 stonecoldnewbie[107471] |
| 24.245.64.22 |
wow, haha funneh comments
i can already promise you im not going to read, especially with that gay white bar.. |
| #9 Shadow D'Arc[107477] |
| spider-mtc-tk063.proxy.aol.com |
jjang.Lei-If you are going to waste nearly 3000 characters on a long-winded flame, don't you DARE say "Just my 2 cents" at the end. At least think your OWN opinion means something to you, even if no one else cares. All I have to say.
Peace,
Shadow D'Arc |
| #10 Patton1944[107478] |
| spider-wi064.proxy.aol.com |
Argh. Ok, so it didn't turn out like the preview. Anyone know how to get rid of the stupid white bar? I sux at HTML.
Ok, so some things (A-10) were a little...how should I say this...GAY. But that's ok. I showed it to some people, they liked it, and so I put it up here. And jjang whatever, I meant to follow certain lines (Saving Private Ryan kicks ass) and the technical stuff didn't seem very technical to me. Then again, I do spend way too much time on military hardware -.-
Well, shit. I swear that the next part won't be some hollywood inspired BS. And the white bar will die.
Patton1944-Flamed since 1998 |
| #11 BOBBY357[107482] |
| spider-wk032.proxy.aol.com |
| it's not BAD, IMO, but i think you can make it better. i suggest more realism, less juvenille "plane crashed into guy, blows him up" kinda stuff, and maybe make the invasion a little more "futuristic". i dunno if we'll still be using normandy-style massed assaults in the near future, but, hey, what do i know? not bad, overall. |
| #12 CaughtNaked[107488] |
| cp606088-a.mtgmry1.md.home.com |
| white bar owned me to, hav to set table size |
| #13 katome[107489] |
| px2ar.ed.shawcable.net |
| way to submit three reports |
| #14 Patton1944[107501] |
| spider-to044.proxy.aol.com |
Thx for white bar help -.-
I don't like 'futuristic' stuff. No lasers or death beams or any of that stuff. I wanted it to be like a modern omaha beach landing.
And I'm workin on the second part. I've got some advice from a few NH people(Read:Flames), and I'll dive deeper into the story. I don't want any actual "Main Characters". I want to cover the battles as a larger part.
Ok, I'm done now. Keep the Phl4m3s comin. |
| #15 god[107503] |
| host-216-77-212-176.fll.bellsouth.net |
| kill the white bar, its so annoying |
| #16 LuckyNewbie:P[107507] |
| dialup-63.211.246.221.Dial1.Denver1.Level3.net |
"a modern omaha beach landing"
nice
oh ya, and that was one of the weakest background stories i've ever heard, dont talk about European politics if you have no clue in the subject. |
| #17 Eradicate~Me[107509] |
| pa-millscreek2a-174.buf.adelphia.net |
| god you're retarded |
| #18 CKane[107513] |
| 12-233-180-134.client.attbi.com |
| OMAHA IS BEING INVADED? HALP! |
| #19 CKane[107514] |
| 12-233-180-134.client.attbi.com |
Why on earth would you write a story without main charachters?
If you want to write about battles, go make a Starcraft BR. |
| #20 Patton1944[107522] |
| spider-tn051.proxy.aol.com |
Hm.Well, not exactly what I expected. LuckyNewbie, I know more about Omaha beach than you could ever imagine. But all the info in the world couldn't halp me, I guess =
Next part is about 40% done. I'm going to go into the back ground story alot more. And I'm sticking with the "No main character" thing. It'll all come out in the end.
I hope. |
#21  [107534] |
| 206.214.215.217 |
I got rid of the white bar because it made reading the report really annoying.
Then I realized it wasn't the white bar. |
| #22 Mjotnar[107535] |
| client-151-200-161-80.bellatlantic.net |
| fanfics are like horses, when they get lame you gotta put them outta their misery |
| #23 Anonymous[107541] |
| 216-224-150-197.thegrid.net |
You didn't explain how the world united. The fact is, it never will, so good luck on that one.
Maybe what might have helped was if you talked about an "anti-christ" character, so we could have a materialistic bad guy instead of...yeah, whatever. But it would have made it more interesting, because what was World War II without Hitler? |
| #24 Litz-C)8[107545] |
| spider-ntc-tc053.proxy.aol.com |
an "anti-christ" character, so we could have a materialistic bad guy. . .
This isn't as cliche and ignorant as any other devise used by 'trendy' writers, producers, etc. . .
Not to mention, Why do you consider Christ the epitome of all that is good and reightous? Did he not blow up in the temple and cast out the merchants with furiosity? Was he not megalomaniacal?
--Litz |
| #25 LuckyNewbie:P[107547] |
| dialup-64.156.32.45.Dial1.Denver1.Level3.net |
"dont talk about European politics if you have no clue in the subject."
"LuckyNewbie, I know more about Omaha beach than you could ever imagine"
hi dino |
#26  [107548] |
| ct91955-a.richmnd1.in.home.com |
hahahaha mark, why didn't you rate this? Oh wel, I guess I will.
By the way, I love how some random soldier questions the admiral's orders at the beginning... :P |
| #27 badtz maru[107551] |
| pcp108471pcs.echryh01.nj.comcast.net |
| lol@mark |
| #28 Amoeba_Boy[107552] |
| spider-wm042.proxy.aol.com |
Geez, dref gets praised for a ridiculous story about piss, and you get flamed for a half-way decent war story
dont let it get you down, keep on writing |
| #29 |]agomar[107556] |
| St-Catherines-ppp112384.sympatico.ca |
Litz, who says anger is bad. And is saying you're God when you are God megalomaniacal? If you're gonna read the Bible, do it right for heaven's sake.
This was overly simplistic and the writing style could really have been improved. Then again, it was a good effort and showed some promise. 5. |
| #30 CKane[107557] |
| 12-233-180-134.client.attbi.com |
| Speaking of Jesus, he didn't blow up anything, what the hell |
| #31 CKane[107558] |
| 12-233-180-134.client.attbi.com |
| Patton, OMAHA IS IN NEBRASKA. IT DOES NOT HAVE A BEACH. WTF. |
| #32 Anonymous[107565] |
| 216-224-143-90.thegrid.net |
Woah, since when did we begin talking about God on br.com? (br.com....God....hm, i don't see any resemblence). Good attempt Patton, but if you really want to write stories like these PLEASE give us an obvious end to your post, i don't like the "thats it, what do you think, more to come" kind of ending. There wasn't even a
~~~~~~~~ or -------------- or ______________
showing that the story ended right there. That might have made raters give you a 6 instead, but i'm sure they'll disagree with me. lalalala human pychology (!&@%) |
| #33 LuckyNewbie:P[107573] |
| dialup-63.211.243.133.Dial1.Denver1.Level3.net |
| No love dref, no love |
| #34 Go to school[107748] |
| 65.64.77.172 |
How many people don't go to school these days. Ive seen more people say dumb things like Omaha is in Nebraska. It doesnt have a beach than how many jews Hitler killed in WWII.
Omaha beach was a code name for one of the beach heads the allies landed on during D-Day, CKane. |
| #35 CKane[107763] |
| 12-233-180-134.client.attbi.com |
| I thought they taught grammar in school, it's certianly a lot more basic than "Omaha Beach is in Normandy" |
| #36 Squirrel-Foo[107908] |
| spider-wm021.proxy.aol.com |
| Wow CKane..you're more of an idiot than I am. Which is saying alot considering i'm only 13. What dumbass doesn't know Omaga beach was the code name for a beach head the allies landed on during D-Day..And I agree with Go To School..go to school. |
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