| #1 Monty Pylon[99481] |
| 1Cust63.tnt16.norwalk.ct.da.uu.net |
| I original released Coalition with only two chapters posted. It got a good rating, but recieved very little public response. Most BR go'ers hated it and decided not to release more. What I have posted now is merely the draft of the real novel that has expanded and grown from the post here. Since the raters arfe holding testing, this is the best time to get some feedback on my little work. I would like to apologize early for the straight up black and whiteness and the length. I know its a bit long but oh well. Dag, please be gentile. Just kidding, give me hell. |
| #2 |]agomar[99482] |
| StCatherines-ppp109180.sympatico.ca |
| FIRST!! Now . . . I have to read . . . . |
| #3 |]agomar[99483] |
| StCatherines-ppp109180.sympatico.ca |
| DANGIT Monty, way to steal first from em }( |
| #4 |]agomar[99485] |
| StCatherines-ppp109180.sympatico.ca |
First of all, the first couple pages sound like a long history report. Aargh. SHOW, NOT TELL, once of the basics of good writing.
Secondly, this isn't finished. The report was too long and got cut off.
Third, this is not a very engaging story . . . somehow, it just didn't do it for me, I was most definately not into the plot, and got borred at numerous occassions. Work on the plot, and the way the plot flows.
Fourth, you have to work on your writing skills. They aren't by any stretch of the imagination bad, but you gotta know where to place your commas, how to use adjectives a bit better - that sort of thing.
Don't take offense to this, you have lots of potential as a good writer - you just have to develop that a little more. So it is that I'd give this a 6 - super effort, of course, and some interesting things, but definately not gold. That'd be 3 silvers for me so far, and a single gold. |
| #5 Monty Pylon[99487] |
| 1Cust63.tnt16.norwalk.ct.da.uu.net |
| Shit, the preiview had the whole story intact. I'll post the other half. Basically, what you've said I heard before and these flaws have been changed. There were dips in the story and I expanded a few sections. What I really want to know is if the basic premise is entertaining enough. |
| #6 |]agomar[99491] |
| StCatherines-ppp109180.sympatico.ca |
| Monty. The flaws have not been changed. |
| #7 Monty Pylon[99492] |
| 1Cust63.tnt16.norwalk.ct.da.uu.net |
| As for the history book plot, I would either have to write another book to explain what's going on or cut it down so much that people will be a bit confused that the world has gone through so many changes. I thought about starting the book with the college student in class and this was a history lesson. That seem too Starship Troopers for me to stomach. |
| #8 Monty Pylon[99494] |
| 1Cust63.tnt16.norwalk.ct.da.uu.net |
| Dag, the changes I was talking about are not in this post. Think of this as merly the beginning to the creative process. Two years ago I sat down and wrote this. I showed it to my friends, older brother and a few teachers. They said my grammer was bad and they saw potential in it, but not anything past that. I have since worked on it and it is about 75% complete. I don't want to post the novel here because I would like to explore options to get it published. I posted this to try and get a feel what people think. This is the most basic premise, minus the main body of the story which is the war. |
| #9 Phobos_ColZ[99495] |
| spider-tn034.proxy.aol.com |
| I stopped reading as soon as it got to the part about Siberia declaring independance and defeating Russia. What were you smoking? There's not enough people in Siberia to declare anything. Imagine the Northwest Territories waging war on Canada. Next time try something at least somewhat plausable. |
| #10 |]agomar[99496] |
| StCatherines-ppp109180.sympatico.ca |
| Okie dokie Monty, sounds cool. But I big time second what Phobos said =O. Remember that Siberia has a million nukes tho. |
| #11 BOBBY357[99497] |
| spider-tk024.proxy.aol.com |
| monty, any idiot knows that the world doesnt get fucked up unitil AT LEAST 2012 ;P. the siberia part sounded screwed, though. |
| #12 LuckyNewbie:P[99500] |
| user-33qtoqj.dialup.mindspring.com |
Yes! this does suck!
If there were any way to get a negative score, im sure you'd have got it by now. |
| #13 Monty Pylon[99504] |
| 1Cust43.tnt18.norwalk.ct.da.uu.net |
Phobos-Siberia is the site of most of Russia nuke silos and is the home of Russia Pacific Fleet. True, the northern tundra is a bit uninhabitable, but the southern half is a bit warmer, like Canada weather or Minnesota. As for plausibilty, did/would you stop reading Jurrassic Park as soon as you got to the whole cloning dinosaur thing. It's a work of fiction and I should be able to bend reality to suit my needs, much like the Blizzard did with Starcraft...or are the zerg real aliens lead by Kerrigan?
As for you Lucky, I doubt you read it or have the attention span to read this through. You read what dag wrote and agreed, good job. Save yourself the time and effort and just stop clicking on my name. That way you won't ruin your day reading my stuff. |
| #14 Mattkid[99505] |
| 00-60-97-d5-1d-d0.bconnected.net |
| didn't mention canada once |= |
| #15 |]agomar[99512] |
| St-Catherines-ppp112396.sympatico.ca |
Monty, there's a difference between military forces deployed in a region, and the ability of that region to support/take that military in an actual war. If the Russian Pacific Fleet is in Siberia, do you think they'd immediately join the million or so Siberians? Or do you think they'd side with their motherland, with over 120 million people?
Just because the US Pacific Fleet is located in Hawaii, doesn't mean that if Hawaii declared independance the fleet would join them right away. To the contrary: it means they'd get their ass whooped 242x quicker than otherwise.
|
| #16 |]agomar[99513] |
| St-Catherines-ppp112396.sympatico.ca |
And Monty, when you're talking about real historical events happening in a NON-FANTASTIC world of the very near future, then no you can't have utterly unplausable events occuring left and right, especially when those events are not influenced by any outside cause or event of a fantastic nature ( ie aliens landing, etc ). Starcraft, which talks about the far, far off future is very different, but in the manual you'll notice that it does talk about the near future with a great deal of plausibility. Also, Jurrassic Park is about a fantastical scientific discovery which has veyr little to do with politics and nothing to do with war, so that's an entirely different matter as well.
Hope that cleared things up a little =)
I hate the 1000 character limite =O |
| #17 Syndrome_Zed[99515] |
| P124-Dell.Stanford.EDU |
Now THAT's what I call "speculative" fiction. The Siberia thing, Burma swallowing Vietnam (much likelier to be the other way around), and c'mon - Australia and New Zealand are NEVER going to be that aggressive to attack someone for no reason besides wanting land.
Suspension of disbelief is one thing, but this pushed it to its limit. Now, you mentioned Jurassic Park. It's not hard to suspend disbelief that a scientific technique already in use could be extended to ancient DNA. And remember, they didn't get DNA intact, they combined it with current animals' intact DNA. So it's infinitely more believable than suggesting that the Chinese leaders just "stepped down", when all evidence points to them nuking Beijing before they'd step down voluntarily.
Oh, and neutron bombs still do a significant amount of structural damage, for future reference. |
| #18 Syndrome_Zed Continued[99516] |
| P124-Dell.Stanford.EDU |
Other than the S.o.D. issue, it wasn't bad. A bit too expository in the beginning, and the "Coalition" part of the story could be livened up a little, but not too bad.
One suggestion - leave people wondering for a bit. Don't tell them all the changes outright, let them learn them a bit at a time. Add them to conversations that characters have, that kind of thing. It keeps people intrigued. Try reading some Harry Turtledove short stories and you'll understand what I mean. He writes historical "alternate universe" stories - what-ifs - and makes them very convincing, but he doesn't give away the big changes right away.
PS It's "Tiannamen Square" I believe. |
| #19 the()vermind[99522] |
| 64.253.39.94 |
| i still read everything you write monty... if it's still on the frontpage. I come back, read what i want to see, and go back to the world of world war 2 online. Good job, but i'm not really in the mood for a detailed anaylisis that will result in the fatal words "exceed 1000 charachter limit" I hate it when that happens.... |
| #20 ..O_o[99531] |
| dhcp065-024-187-060.columbus.rr.com |
i read to the part where israel becomes the 6th largest country. most of this wasnt very believeable = not entertaining cause i cant picture this in 2010's every small country in the world isnt going to ally with every other country every asia country allied?? US imperialism?? russia "allying with the baltic states" when u say allying it seems that they are uniting ie when isreal becomes the 6th largest country by "allying" with afrian and middle eastern nations, if this is the case when they "ally" why would the baltic states declare independance just to reunite years later with the same nation willingly and the israelis and palestinians stopping their fight? a fight that has lasted for 1000's of years just seems to end when every countries leaders become major pot heads and deside to give away most of their power by "allying" with any country they can
to sum that up, very unbelieveable |
| #21 ..O_o[99532] |
| dhcp065-024-187-060.columbus.rr.com |
read the posts and also agree with the siberia thing, ppl born in a place are 99% of the time going to fight for that place not some place they're visting ie the russian pacifis fleet allying with the siberians thats like me (amiercan) visisting china for a couple months and then china goes to war with america and i join the "peoples" (laughs :O) army b/c im living thier temporarily
also i read into the coalition, the leaders of each country would never create a world government, 1stly: almost every political leader losses their power and if u had any knowledge of politics what-so-ever ud no about 99% of the politicians of the world would never give away power no matter what the situation 2ndly: that would mean every country that hated another country would have to treat that other country as an equall one example: many nations around the world hate america for being in everybodies business |
| #22 |]agomar[99533] |
| St-Catherines-ppp112487.sympatico.ca |
No, sadly I don't think we'll ever have a true world government.
Unless the Americans have their way :( |
| #23 Phobos_ColZ[99541] |
| spider-tr054.proxy.aol.com |
Part 1:
Monty, I was in the Russian military for 2 years, trust me. The Pacific Fleet is stationed in Vladivostok, which has as much in common with Siberia as Greenland has with Denmark. The nuclear silos are manned by people who would never really rebel against Russia, because they are actually paid on time (angry unpaid people with nuclear weapons = bad). My advice would be to either skip or glaze over the "near-future" events or make them more plausable. But in either case, that's not the problem. |
| #24 Phobos_ColZ[99542] |
| spider-tr054.proxy.aol.com |
Part 2:
The problem is that I, and probably most other people, just don't feel for your characters. True, you don't have a 400-page novel in which to develop your characters, but it's possible to make the people realistic enough that readers care about what happens to them. Drefsab did this very well in just 27 pages. Another suggestion would be to have at least some rudimentary HTML to make reading easier on the eyes. You seem to have alot of potential, and certainly the dedication to write this much, but it all seems a bit unpolished. Good luck in the future. |
| #25 |]agomar[99543] |
| St-Catherines-ppp112487.sympatico.ca |
Yeah, read the Pheonix Legion Chronicles and compare them to this.
TT. |
| #26 Syndrome_Zed[99577] |
| P124-Dell.Stanford.EDU |
YEAH!!! WE RULE!!! WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE OUR WAY! AMERICA RULES THE WORLD, BITCHES!
/me sees reality set in. Reality=Dubya, random acts of violence, apathetic isolationist populace.
*Sigh*
No, there won't be a true world government. But my unless is...unless something bigger and badder comes along a la "Independence Day".
Of course, I can think of worse things than a US or NATO-led world gov't. Better things, too, but definitely much worse ones. |
| #27 |]agomar[99578] |
| Ottawa-ppp3517267.sympatico.ca |
| The Americans have been a good influence on the world for a hundred years. That doesn't mean everybody has to like em though =D |
| #28 the()vermind[99581] |
| 64.253.39.94 |
| we americans are the international policeman. We take our role to be much more permanent and serious than it really is. We americans will look down on the world for a long time. Then, say in 2 centuries, when the US is just another worldpower which fell, we'll cling to our past, just like Italy, Spain, Britian, and all the other countries. |
| #29 Monty Pylon[99584] |
| 1Cust78.tnt4.norwalk.ct.da.uu.net |
| Well, I wouldn't really want to compare the Pheonix chronicles to this because one is SC based and the other is not. Also, I do not intend to release a whole novel on BR.com. And yes I realize that Siberia seems unlikly but Phobos_ColZ said the nuke guys would not turn. Yeah in reality, but what if a military coup took control over a weakened government. And yeah a united Earth is very unlikley, but the Coalition is just a few steps ahead of the UN. People don't trash Star Trek for having a united Earth. Maybe for other reasons but not for that. Remeber, this is after WW3 and people could change after a devestating war. As for austrailia being a nothing country, the same was thought of Japan in 1900 and thirty years later they are the pacific power. Isreal could take the mid-east in a war and God forbid I actually try to spread a little love around the world with this story. |
| #30 Phobos_ColZ[99605] |
| AC8235B7.ipt.aol.com |
| Don't spread love, make characters people care about. Then people will read and like your work. |
#31  [99612] |
| ct91955-a.richmnd1.in.home.com |
bleh :(
Sorry Monty, but this needs to just... uhhh... go away. |
| #32 -^Puppy^-[99673] |
| spider-ntc-ta033.proxy.aol.com |
| I agree with drefsab, go away and a get a life....now where did i put my M&M's... |
| #33 Jin Kazebari[99695] |
| 61.165.89.136 |
Hey, I resent everything you say about China.
I practically live in China, and communism ain't bad, yo. It's just...underdeveloped. All the media about "EVIL COMMUNIST LEADERS" is not true. It's not the ideal of communism that makes Russia continue to try to rule the world and kill James Bond.
Oh, and it's TIANMEN Square, thank you very much. Tianmen means "Gate of Heaven," if you would believe it.
Heheh. |
| #34 Aujenae Smith[102591] |
| spider-mtc-tj034.proxy.aol.com |
| why did the chinese american battle hvsaaffafjdfhfhhahfuhfcnnga rh ahhrj ue heeuc f4uh bur dhyer b4yruea c44bt ery rrdrghudged rgagahrioapahfq hf h dehfhjhda hdhahfara eehee ehd eh hgghqqrqe ureuhqh ee rh dsdd hhfhruaf q urioqqqur eah e hah r yu eruhrw yru ryturuth rrrrrrurr urru qghaqaqqqqqg erq ue |
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