| #1 yfjfjgfgfgjh[80549] |
| c255141-a.frmt1.sfba.home.com |
| scary |
| #2 UDontKnOwME[80550] |
| spider-tj052.proxy.aol.com |
| Ok, that was my second installation of my fanfic. Hopefully it was much better than the last one. No more kissing up, no more stupid side comments. And only one, long chapter this time. Thanks for reading it. Bye! |
| #3 BUU[80554] |
| AC8CD597.ipt.aol.com |
| rofl, "OH no, the zeals gonna get it! what a cliffhanger" |
| #4 stacrafty[80557] |
| cf3k-4.paradise.net.nz |
i thought it was good. easy to read when its 6 am after u been playing all night... again (damn) .. no complicated stuff
good
|
| #5 Monty Pylon[80558] |
| gateway.Culinary.EDU |
Much, much better. A good measure of suspense involved here. Good work using feedback and making your work much better. I can't wait for the next chapter keep going.
Damn the man, save the Empire!
Monty Pylon |
| #6 UDontKnOwME[80559] |
| spider-wm033.proxy.aol.com |
| Thanks Monty, and BUU, you have no idea whats gonna happen to that zeal later in the story. He could last 5 sec. or 100 years. It all depends on me |
| #7 CheeezGrater[80564] |
| proxy3-external.roalok1.mi.home.com |
| Hmmm....pretty good but I never pictured a zealot saying "Uh-oh, I'm screwed". Maybe it's just me. |
| #8 UDontKnOwME[80565] |
| spider-wm033.proxy.aol.com |
Cheeez, I developed that idea on the fact that the Protoss have had close encounters with the Terrans, who say stuff like that.
well... not really, but it helped with the plot of that chapter a lot. Plus it was the only thing i could think of him saying at the time |
| #9 ~ZC~K@O$[80571] |
| spider-wo063.proxy.aol.com |
ok, i read both of em, and first one, suked. But this one, is decent. It's not amazing but it's definetly entertaining, and that's what's important =). So keep it up, i'm curious now bout what will happen. Only thing i can think of is a little more description on what things look like. Example, when he's flying in on shuttle, and he looks across the land, tell us what the land looks like. And also, keep the protoss in protoss dialouge like u did in first part. that would be nice =)
Peace
-kaOs |
| #10 WarLeaderJustin[80577] |
| spider-tr031.proxy.aol.com |
| Write a whole bunch and submit, or at least make each one about 5-6 word pages long. |
| #11 Normandy-1944[80581] |
| spider-wn053.proxy.aol.com |
Wow...very nice. We've been seeing alot of text related things(battle reports, stories) lately. This story reeks with suspense. Lots of humor here"A being in a tin can with rockets on it's back". BTW, I don't remeber a zealot ever saying "Uh oh, I'm screwed". Nope. Like the suicidal fighters they are, they would charge right into that base and hack away at the drones! And the probe...is heroic. Of course. Ever notice how probes are always heroic? Okay, that's enough rambling from me.
I'd give this story an 8
|
| #12 UDontKnOwME[80587] |
| spider-wj041.proxy.aol.com |
| With the "tin-can" thing, I was just trying to put it like the probes point of view. because, as we all know, some probes are extremely stupid. |
| #13 UDontKnOwME[80591] |
| spider-wj041.proxy.aol.com |
| The next installation of this fanfic will be brought out to the public of br.com tomorrow. so dont line up for it today. I don't want anyone to get hurt, :). (Was that really stupid?) |
| #14 UDontKnOwME[80592] |
| spider-wj041.proxy.aol.com |
| I think it was, ignore the quote above. |
| #15 Forceguy[80615] |
| p3EE3C034.dip.t-dialin.net |
Yea, definetly better.
Ppl: if you think sending in a CC/hatch/Nexus with 4 workers is not very logical youre right, but fact is that StarCraft games work like this so I dont think its a problem. PLC started out with about the same setting.
Uh oh, I'm screwed...a Protoss Warrior would never say this, no matter if he had contact to the terran or not, its unnatural for someone who says "My life for Aiur" regularly. :P
Also, give your main and sub characters a bit more space to develop themselves,make them think about stuff, that would help to identify/understand them.
PS: Youre a comment whore UDKM :P |
| #16 UDontKnOwME[80626] |
| spider-wa053.proxy.aol.com |
| Forceguy, its my damn fanfic I ill write as many comments as I want on it! :P, :) |
| #17 UDontKnOwME[80627] |
| spider-wa053.proxy.aol.com |
| I guess that zeal was just one in a million in it's stupidity... |
| #18 UDontKnOwME[80628] |
| spider-wa053.proxy.aol.com |
| YES PEOPLE! THIS IS A BIT LIKE THE PHEONIX LEGION CHRONICLES!!!! But, as I have said, It goes fay beyond the battle on Auir. I can't say anything else or I might give away the rest of the plot, but I will tell you this, it gets into deep space and beyond. (I like that dramatic touch) |
| #19 Swiftbolt[80641] |
| spider-wm054.proxy.aol.com |
| Blah, i know im being over critical right now, maybe its is air, i doubt it but anyhow, the Protoss dont build their buildings, but warp. Stupid comment i know, sorry, i just had to point that out. |
| #20 UDontKnOwME[80647] |
| spider-wa053.proxy.aol.com |
| Yeah I know they warp in buildings. But they basically mean the same thing. I was in a groove in this report and kinda screwed that up. Thanks for pointing that out swift |
#21  [81176] |
| 208.196.35.239 |
Hmm, not too bad. Some parts actually made me laugh. But this is way too short to stand alone. There is no reason why this couldn't have been included in one single report. Therefore, I'll rate the last one.
Cheers,
Dref |
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