"Ancient Chinese proverb: One neighbor builds a fence. Two neighbors enjoy it"
-Heartcutter
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| #1 Tyrael[57357] | | spider-wb034.proxy.aol.com | | First | | #2 Phoenix-S-[57362] | | lrar5pp91.alltel.net | | You bastard! | | #3 RhinoAssUgly[57363] | | bc-pgr-a53-02-09.look.ca | Bwa ha ha ha haaaa!
Really though, it had to happen. I mean ... have you ever seen a Turbo Newbie actually WORK? | | #4 Phoenix-S-[57364] | | lrar5pp91.alltel.net | More more more! Write another series :o
9!
BTW, 1st comment dealing with the report (other than the authors :o ) | | #5 SirFergus[57367] | | cisco1-ip157.acun.net | God man, you RULE!
I loved it, and I have read the whole thing twice. I would love to read anything else that you have written.
Please send any other literary works of yours to briferg@hotmail.com
Man, did I mention that you rule?
~SF~ | | #6 Napoleic[57376] | | 24.66.179.206.bc.wave.home.com | | Hah! What a fitting ending. Good work man. | | #7 DragonValgarv[57382] | | patty.nawcad.navy.mil | Heh, I knew after 3a that they were going to lose = Unhappy but realistic. ^^ Great writing, very intense and well-described action.
The one "critique" I would mention is that sometimes the action got hard to follow; I think you were switching perspectives from marine to marine. (Here comes some complicated shit) I think you were writing in "internal" 3rd person, like for each character, you were inside their head, instead of "omniscient" 3rd person, the narrator. Nothing wrong with that, you do it very nicely, it's just that when you jump from character to character rapidly, it gets confusing. Or maybe it's just me 8)
Anyways, gj, hope to see more fic from you! | | #8 JawaAvenger[57394] | | d6-22.hntnny.optonline.net | When's your next one?
8] | | #9 Sharandar[57425] | | 199.94.72.235 | Liked it, very good writing, pretty much knew they were screwed after the dark swarm hit.
And yes, I've seen a turbo newbie work, just not with one tank, one bunker and an SCV. Well, maybe once.
I had only a couple minor problems.
1) The detail in some areas tapered off at the end. The vast majority of this was extremely vivid, and it's good to remain consistant with these things. Although you generally switched from character to character for everything important, this vanished for a few of their deaths. Styles was good, but my big problems were with Bickerson and Williams. Unless I missed something, William's death consisted of "That's when Williams started screaming." Effective in its simplicity, but not consistant. And Bickerson, well, we get that the mutalisks mauled the tank, but I would've liked to have seen something of him scrambling to get the hell out of the thing once he realized he was screwed in there. I dunno, but SOMETHING would've been nice. That part just seemed a bit rushed.
2) Dark Swarm. I'm not sure what it's ACTUALLY supposed to be, but I do recall that it can be used aainst the zerg as well as for them (not against lings, of course). The marines are as invulnerable to missile fire as the lings are. But I guess that was the point...was a cool description, but it seemed as though it was debilitating to the marines, when really it's protective over what inside it. I guess that's the problem with fanfic =P. The description was cool, though.
9, easily. GW Rhino.
Sharandar | | #10 ((Ash))[57430] | | www.eosbiotech.com | Good stuff!! I liked the ending. Like you said, not happy, but realistic. At least they didn't die in vain.
Write another one! | | #11 BW-sux[57434] | | spider-we041.proxy.aol.com | Umm... Why end it now?
8
BW-sux | | #12 Bane[57447] | | fcs01asm.asm.bellsouth.net | Hehe, nice. Nice detailed writing; it made me feel like I was there =o
Seriously, though, write on a story line a little more interesting and in-depth. (just my opinion, though)
7
Bane | | #13 Fractal_Wave[57476] | | 24.64.214.37.bc.wave.home.com | Disagreeing with Bane here. That was really good, both for writing and subject matter. Speaking as a terran commander, turbo newbies never work. at least not ones with only one bunker and tank....
All the best,
Fractal_Wave | | #14 MourningWood[57481] | | fw8.intuit.com | This was by far the best of the four part series. You are the best fan-fic writer at this site. PLEASE WRITE MORE!!!
MourningWood | | #15 True~Class[57496] | | hlfx41-109.ns.sympatico.ca | Great, Great story! I loved every part!! Im looking to write my own, so this story really gives me encouragment. One note-Im absolutly sure I read something from an official source that said a Seige Tank has a crew of 5, not just one...anyone know if or if not? Thanks....
| #16  [57498] | | as530019.infocom.com | Holy shit. Now that its finished, I read the whole thing from beginning to end.
This was just good. That's all there is to it.
The writing really sucked me into your story and I thought the ending had a nice twist.
I didn't rate any of the others, I'm just going to rate this one to cover the whole effort.
9
Cheers,
Dref | | #17 RhinoAssUgly[57505] | | bc-pgr-a53-01-69.look.ca | Holy smoke. Let's see if I smack all the bases ...
Fristly, a thousand thanks to everybody. Seeing The TNT appreciated really makes me feel like I've accomplished something. It's a wicked feeling. I'm sure you other authors know exactly what I'm getting at.
Specific points :
Napoliec, Cynical, ((Ash)), Fractal_Wave, you all rule asses. Each seperate and equally autonomous.
Pheonix, Jawa Avenger - It's already in the planning stages. No worries!
BW-Sux, Bane, well, in the beginning (heh Bible allusion? No, shutup) I'd planned the Trilogy to be only a small, single post. A tiny story about men in a bunker, meant only to test the waters and see how receptive the crowd would be to my writing style. Somehow, though, it got a little out of hand. Anyshit, point is, this one's over, gonna start fresh, but on a much longer storyline that'll pack a lot more in.
DragonValgarv. Yeh, I looked at that for a long while and wondered if it was the way to go. Switching suddenly from marine to marine with no bridge, no break to alert the reader. In the end, I felt the use of such rapidity lent to the hectic, confusing feel of combat (especially the combat depicted in the story). I hope it didn't take away more than it added.
SirFergus, thx! The only other story I still have around (most of my earlier stuff was lost in an unfortunate registry crash many years ago) is one about five criminals that meet in a 7-Eleven. That goes waaaaay back. =)
Sharandar, are you an editor? heh You should be. Great observations. Thanks scads. Firstly, I purposely tapered the detail near the conclusion, although upon looking back, I'm sorry I did. Originally, it was an attempt to lend an air of uncertainty in the end. Did Bickerson die before the nuke? Did the zerglings get Williams, or the mutes? Really, it was a Blair Witch-ish kind of thing, letting the reader use their imaginations to fill in the blanks. Now, though, I wish I'd layed it out myself ... consistantly. Truth be told, yes , I just wanted to get the finished product out there. Had I left it a night, looked it over later, I probably would've changed my mind. Aw well. Live and learn.
And as for the dark swarm description ... well, I know I sort of left game dynamics behind with that one. In game, marines can see OUT of the cloud (shooting things outside the cloud with perfect accuracy), but can't hit the broad side of a Luciano within. However, melee units can smack around baddies in or out. I guess I just favored the second point and kinda glossed over the first. Bad me! Bad!
Really True~Class? I try to be as accurate as I can, but that one would be comin' out of left field. Instead of extra crew, I just made the siege tank automated (reload sequence). Just needed one redneck to press the go button. I plead poetic license! ... or something.
Mourning Wood. The best? Ummmmmmm .. .. okay! heheh Really though, thanks for the ego boost. You should strap my head to the ground and charge children admission to take off their shoes and jump on it.
And finally, Drefsab, many kudos. Your opinion and rating means a lot around here, to me anyhow. It's nice to be recognized.
Again, thanks everybody. A single tear rolls down my cheek, and shit. hehe
RAU | | #18 RhinoAssUgly[57507] | | bc-pgr-a53-01-69.look.ca | | Oh yeah, and Bane, congrats on your appointment as official rater. Good on ya! | | #19 SqueakyMonkey[57633] | | osh1-7d4.twcny.rr.com | Wow. That has got to be one of the best pieces of fiction that I have ever read. I just...just...wow.
9 or 10 | #20  [57654] | | | I liked the way you finished it the way it needed to be. Good work. | | #21 RhinoAssUgly[57786] | | bc-pgr-a53-02-17.look.ca | Thanx, Squeaky, Mark.
The outcome was pretty much pre-ordained.
Just the way it had to be. | | #22 Jabba_TDA[57820] | | b26.dkm.cz | Moooore of such stories!
| | #23 Mogalin[57842] | | d226-98-102.home.cgocable.net | I didn't even read it but I know how own it is to receive comments.
The title pic was cool but how come there were no more? |
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